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OK so the girl who is as nutty as a bucket of squirrel turds called me tonight..After discussing the text misunderstanding she reveals to me that she is in love with me and has been forever..now that I'm getting divorced she wants to be with me
Now here comes the good stuff..so grab a soda and popcorn and be ready to have your mind blown away
From here on forth the lady shall be known as Squirrel..I shall be Mr. Awesome..my ****ing story so I choose the names..
Mr. Awesome- That's nice and I appreciate you telling me all this and calling so we could figure this all out..I'm just not ready to go back into a serious relationship due to the fact I am just getting out of a marriage
Squirrel- Don't say that because I know it's not true..you love me too..you know you do because we have been having sex
Mr. Awesome- Hold on..just because we are having sex it doesn't mean I love you..it means you are attractive and you are willing to give me sex so I have sex with you
(Mr. Awesome isn't the most subtle of people)
Squirrel- How can you say that..we could have something amazing..you know it I know it..we aren't getting younger so we need to take advantage of it now
Mr. Awesome- Look I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear but I'm not getting into a relationship with you or anyone else..I was married for almost 10 years..I'm not going to jump from it into another long term relationship..I'm going to go live my life..run through sluts..wake up with hangovers..wake up and question who the creature is next to me..go out to bars..make other people uncomfortable at the bar..make fun of stupid as kids and their shitty clothes and hairstyles
Here is where Satan comes to play
Squirrel- if you do this to me I will make your life hell
,
Mr. Awesome- huh..wait what
Squirrel- I don't just go sleeping with people..If I give myself to someone it is for and out of love..you will not leave me and we will be together or I will make you life hell
Mr. Awesome- look I got to go..load my gun and lock my doors..but you have a awesome night
I hang up before anything else can be said..I put my phone in the car and go to the gym workout then go play basketball..I was busy for about 4 hours..never checking my phone..If I knew how to take screen shots I would of..59 missed calls from Squirrel..213 texts from her as well
I think I'm going to die in my sleep tonight and she will be wearing my skin by brunch
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