Finally got an application I can post:
Good afternoon.
I read your ad and was really drawn to it.
First, let me tell your right off I have no interest in candy wrappers and I hate the New England Patriots. And when I say I hate them, I mean it.
I lost my last job to a man who once worked for the New England Patriots, and I've hated them ever since.
I know you said no previous GM experience was required, but it just so turns out I have over a decade of experience as a GM for a major NFL franchise.
In fact, since you mentioned you were looking for a QB, CB and LG, I just have to point out that I know exactly what to look for at these positions.
For instance:
The last QB I acquired had a very, very strong arm. We all know the NFL is a passing league. I've seen your current quarterback. His arm is laughable. I would expect no less from a player acquired by that moron from New England.
Before that, I traded for a veteran QB who was rivaled only by Peyton Manning in terms of passing production. Need I say more?
I once plucked a left guard from the 7th round of the NFL draft who went on to start 171 games in 13 years. That was when I was just a young pup executive, though. I replaced the 171-game starter with a converted fullback, whom I signed
as a free agent for practically nothing. He went on to play in six Pro Bowls. Impressed? Also, his career ended in New England, where he was just terrible, again proving the Patriots have no idea what they're doing.
My ability to find cornerbacks is unparalleled. The last corner I drafted was a mere 5th round pick. He recently signed a very rich contract with the Dallas Cowboys, who in fact stated that they overpaid for his services. I also had the foresight to sign an aging cornerback a few years ago - a player no one else really wanted, due to some concerns over his foot - and it turned out really well. All the other GMs were pretty jealous when that cornerback led my team to the playoffs. Oh, and the team that dumped that superb corner? The Patriots. They're just...an awful, awful franchise.
You can see where I'm going with this. We're really a perfect fit for each other.
And I already know who I'll hire to be my head coach. He's actually got a lot of head-coaching experience. He's won playoff games. He's been away from the game for a few years, working at ESPN, so he's hungry. He's a perfect fit, quite frankly.
The $5 million a year is an outstanding offer. I have to inquire about your company dress code - is black leather permitted? It's a classy look that I enjoy sporting.
One more thing - I enjoy writing, especially about my occupation and the sport of pro football that I love so much. As part of any potential contract, if I could be permitted to pen a weekly column on your team's website (perhaps under a pen name, so as to remain anonymous), it would be much appreciated. As you know, it's important to have a voice reaching the fans. I could be that voice.
I love your organization. We can do this. I've attached a photo - hope to hear back!
