Jared Allen: Thank God For This White Skin! - Page 4

Hammock Parties · 10:21 PM

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/...hite-skin.html

Let me just start off by saying that I hate racism. Seriously. I don’t care for it at all. I grew up learning about Martin Luther King, Frederick Douglass, and lots of other pioneers for civil rights. I admire their work, and I do my best to live my life without judging people based on their race, religion or anything else like that. I’m not perfect, but I try my best, and I think making a constant effort is a small victory in and of itself.

But ever since I was suspended for two games for my double DUI convictions, I do have to say that, while racism really sucks, being white sure comes in handy when you need it. And to that I say, thank god for this white skin!

I can’t tell you how many times having white skin has saved my ass. Sure, I was convicted for DUI twice. But those were just the times I was arrested! I’ve been caught dozens of times. Often with a hooker! Mostly, the cop pulls me over, checks my license, then gives me a playful punch on the shoulder, saying, “You dog, you! Don’t you know we got a game tomorrow?! You go home and get yourself a good night’s sleep, and GO CHIEFS!” I always figured they let it slide because I play football. But then the same thing has happened, like, thirty times to my buddy Roscoe. And he can’t play football worth a shit. But he’s whiter than a stack of Hammermill copier paper. So it’s gotta be the skin. Whew!

And my white skin has uses outside of the legal system. Like the other day, I went to buy a soda, but was 50 cents short. So I went outside and asked a couple passersby for some spare change. None of them batted a ****ing eyelash! Some guy handed me a crisp twenty, smiled, and just said, “Pay it forward, buddy.” I mean, holy shit! Can you believe that? That Eddie Murphy skit wasn’t lying at all! That shit actually happens!

Wow!

Sometimes I feel bad that this white skin has proven so effective in helping he wriggle out of jams. But what am I supposed to do, ask to be thrown in jail? Look, I’m only human. I’m allowed a certain amount of self-preservation. Having white skin accords you certain privileges. I’d be an idiot not to take advantage of them. Just last week, some real estate guy offered me a job after I retire. I don’t know anything about real estate. Shit, I went to Idaho State. Sometimes I spell my name with two r’s by accident. But I can white out any spelling errors with my trusty white skin. It’s amazing.

I feel bad that Pacman Jones was suspended without actually having been convicted of anything. And I feel bad that Michael Vick has already been convicted in the court of public opinion. But what good does it do if I go up to the commish and say, “Hey Rog, how about suspending me for 8 games instead of 2?” Not only would it solve nothing, it’s just dumb. Punishing me more isn't gonna make black player stereotypes any better now, is it? So why suffer needlessly when other people will just keep suffering needlessly? Way better to keep a low profile and let that shitstorm pass right on over.

I guess the league has to act whenever the actions of a player threaten to tarnish the league’s image. And it’s way worse to the league’s image when a black dude is the perpetrator. Is that fair? Hell no. But you won’t see me complaining. I’m just glad those crazy PETA assholes haven’t camped out in front of my house. After all, I do enjoy hunting on occasion. I don’t want them spray painting any of my shit. That’s stuff is hard to get off, and I hate the smell of turpenoid.

And it’s not like the league has control over all the racism out there. They’re in the business of pleasing customers. And if customers want Pacman Jones ****ed sideways, what choice is there? That’s just smart business. Either way, I’m glad it’s not my problem to deal with! Some people have even pointed out the hypocrisy of the situation, yet still nothing has happened! That just shows you the power of my blinding whiteness!

I hate racism, but thank God for this white skin!

(kisses skin)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get ass shitfaced and drive down an embankment going 90.

Ultra Peanut · 08-19-2007, 04:21 AM

in 1985 I had 4 at-bats and struck out in 2 of them

my OPS was -100

Ultra Peanut · 08-19-2007, 01:33 PM

WHY DOES HE HATE JARED ALLEN HE IS JUST DEFENDING MICHAEL VICK WHAT A JERK THIS GUY IS

The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 9: Betrayed!

Vick: Whoa, man.

Holy.

****ing.

Shit.

I am stoned like Betty ****ing Crocker. I can’t believe how ****ing stoned I am. Check it out! Tree bark is growing on my legs! That is ****ing trippy, man.

(phone rings)

WHO’S THAT?

(phone rings)

Quit scaring me like that, Mr. Phone. I don’t sneak up behind you and start making weird ****ing noises. Show some goddamn respect.

(phone rings)

Shit.

(picks up phone)

Who dis?

Purnell: Ookie, it’s Peace.

Vick: Oh, Peace! How the **** you doin’, man? Dude, remember when we put that rabbit in a garbage can and rolled it down a highway exit ramp? That was ****ing hilarious.

Purnell: Michael, I’m not doing so hot. Listen man, Quanis and I have decided to negotiate plea deals.

Vick: You’re starting a flea circus? That’s ****ing crazy man. I saw a cartoon about that. They were on trapezes and stuff. Really high end, mind-blowing shit. Do fleas fight? That would be bitchin’.

Purnell: No, we pleaded guilty. You know, in the dogfighting case.

Vick: Oh, the dogfighting thing! That shit’s still going on? I smoked up, like, sixty times after that, so I figured that shit was just over and what not. I always think things will work out in the end. You might call me an optimist like that.

Purnell: No, it’s not over. We had to settle with the government.

Vick: Settle? How much did they pay you?

Purnell: No, not that kind of settlement. We got a chance at reduced charges in exchanges for testifying that you were the main financier and organizer of the fights.

Vick: So you get off easier by testifying against me?

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

MUTHA*****KA, I’VE BEEN BETRAYED! YOU SOLD ME OUT, MAN!

Purnell: We didn’t have a choice! We were going to go to jail for years!

Vick: But what about our friendship, man? What about all the good times we had together? Like the time we smoked up and ate that entire package of Hormel pepperoni? Or the time we smoked up and went down to the dock and unhooked all the boats and watched them drift away? Or what about the time we smoked up and I nailed your fiancee? We shared moments, man. Precious memories. And now you’ve gone and doodooed all over them! You and Qyntel!

Purnell: Quanis.

Vick: Whatever.

Purnell: We’re still friends. You know we’re boys, man. No one can take that away from us. But we had to do what we had to do.

Vick: You didn’t have to do anything! Look at me! I do nothing all day! I had to take a shit just now and I didn’t even bother to get up! Now there are fruit flies all over me!

Purnell: This is serious, man. These people mean business. They take this dogfighting shit hard, man.

Vick: But I don’t get it, man! I’m no animal hater! I love dogs. That’s why I like to fight them! I like to admire their inherent dogginess! This is horseshit!

Purnell: Either way man, you have to plea. It’s the only thing to do.

Vick: **** that. Nobody can send my ass to jail. No one has my escapability! I’mma beat the rap, then get back to doin’ what I do best: run with the football as a quarterback.

Purnell: But I thought you were suspended.

Vick: (takes bong hit) I was? Man, why am I always the last mother****er on Earth to know shit?!

Eleazar · 08-19-2007, 02:04 PM

Pretty weak attempt at humor

**Skip Towne** · 08-19-2007, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cochise

Pretty weak attempt at humor

I think a squirrel ate his brains.

old_geezer · 08-19-2007, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skip Towne

I think a squirrel ate his brains.

Then everybody be careful, because that squirrel is still hungry and pissed at the small serving he got.

HolmeZz · 08-19-2007, 02:17 PM

You used a squirrel joke in regards to Psi and couldn't even incorporate 'nuts' into the punchline? For shame.

old_geezer · 08-19-2007, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the Talking Can

humor should be funny...

Quoted for truth.

88TG88 · 08-19-2007, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HolmeZz

http://dugout.progressiveboink.com/archive/b71.html

You still won't get it, but it was worth the try.

I get it now.

jidar · 08-19-2007, 04:18 PM

this would be a ****ing reeruned thing to ban over.
It's obvious why some people are no longer moderators.

crazycoffey · 08-20-2007, 07:22 AM

I think it sounded a whole lot like a J Whit article,

but it's one he was finally too embarrassed to put his name on.

Oh, and it made me laugh a bit, because I knew it was a parody and was supposed to be funny.

08-18-2007, 09:15 PM
Hammock Parties I'll be back. Join Date: Nov 2002 Casino cash: $850478	**PARODY PARODY NOT REAL Jared Allen: Thank God For This White Skin! http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/...hite-skin.html Let me just start off by saying that I hate racism. Seriously. I don’t care for it at all. I grew up learning about Martin Luther King, Frederick Douglass, and lots of other pioneers for civil rights. I admire their work, and I do my best to live my life without judging people based on their race, religion or anything else like that. I’m not perfect, but I try my best, and I think making a constant effort is a small victory in and of itself. But ever since I was suspended for two games for my double DUI convictions, I do have to say that, while racism really sucks, being white sure comes in handy when you need it. And to that I say, thank god for this white skin! I can’t tell you how many times having white skin has saved my ass. Sure, I was convicted for DUI twice. But those were just the times I was arrested! I’ve been caught dozens of times. Often with a hooker! Mostly, the cop pulls me over, checks my license, then gives me a playful punch on the shoulder, saying, “You dog, you! Don’t you know we got a game tomorrow?! You go home and get yourself a good night’s sleep, and GO CHIEFS!” I always figured they let it slide because I play football. But then the same thing has happened, like, thirty times to my buddy Roscoe. And he can’t play football worth a shit. But he’s whiter than a stack of Hammermill copier paper. So it’s gotta be the skin. Whew! And my white skin has uses outside of the legal system. Like the other day, I went to buy a soda, but was 50 cents short. So I went outside and asked a couple passersby for some spare change. None of them batted a ing eyelash! Some guy handed me a crisp twenty, smiled, and just said, “Pay it forward, buddy.” I mean, holy shit! Can you believe that? That Eddie Murphy skit wasn’t lying at all! That shit actually happens! Wow! Sometimes I feel bad that this white skin has proven so effective in helping he wriggle out of jams. But what am I supposed to do, ask to be thrown in jail? Look, I’m only human. I’m allowed a certain amount of self-preservation. Having white skin accords you certain privileges. I’d be an idiot not to take advantage of them. Just last week, some real estate guy offered me a job after I retire. I don’t know anything about real estate. Shit, I went to Idaho State. Sometimes I spell my name with two r’s by accident. But I can white out any spelling errors with my trusty white skin. It’s amazing. I feel bad that Pacman Jones was suspended without actually having been convicted of anything. And I feel bad that Michael Vick has already been convicted in the court of public opinion. But what good does it do if I go up to the commish and say, “Hey Rog, how about suspending me for 8 games instead of 2?” Not only would it solve nothing, it’s just dumb. Punishing me more isn't gonna make black player stereotypes any better now, is it? So why suffer needlessly when other people will just keep suffering needlessly? Way better to keep a low profile and let that shitstorm pass right on over. I guess the league has to act whenever the actions of a player threaten to tarnish the league’s image. And it’s way worse to the league’s image when a black dude is the perpetrator. Is that fair? Hell no. But you won’t see me complaining. I’m just glad those crazy PETA assholes haven’t camped out in front of my house. After all, I do enjoy hunting on occasion. I don’t want them spray painting any of my shit. That’s stuff is hard to get off, and I hate the smell of turpenoid. And it’s not like the league has control over all the racism out there. They’re in the business of pleasing customers. And if customers want Pacman Jones *ed sideways, what choice is there? That’s just smart business. Either way, I’m glad it’s not my problem to deal with! Some people have even pointed out the hypocrisy of the situation, yet still nothing has happened! That just shows you the power of my blinding whiteness! I hate racism, but thank God for this white skin! (kisses skin) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get ass shitfaced and drive down an embankment going 90. Last edited by Hammock Parties; 08-18-2007 at 10:21 PM..*
Posts: 297,241

08-19-2007, 04:21 AM	#46
Ultra Peanut v^V^v^V^v^V^ Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Holland* Casino cash: $10005177	in 1985 I had 4 at-bats and struck out in 2 of them my OPS was -100 __________________
Posts: 39,518

08-19-2007, 01:33 PM	#47
Ultra Peanut v^V^v^V^v^V^ Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Holland* Casino cash: $10005177	WHY DOES HE HATE JARED ALLEN HE IS JUST DEFENDING MICHAEL VICK WHAT A JERK THIS GUY IS The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 9: Betrayed! Vick: Whoa, man. Holy. **ing. Shit. I am stoned like Betty ing Crocker. I can’t believe how ing stoned I am. Check it out! Tree bark is growing on my legs! That is ing trippy, man. (phone rings) WHO’S THAT? (phone rings) Quit scaring me like that, Mr. Phone. I don’t sneak up behind you and start making weird ing noises. Show some goddamn respect. (phone rings) Shit. (picks up phone) Who dis? Purnell: Ookie, it’s Peace. Vick: Oh, Peace! How the you doin’, man? Dude, remember when we put that rabbit in a garbage can and rolled it down a highway exit ramp? That was ing hilarious. Purnell: Michael, I’m not doing so hot. Listen man, Quanis and I have decided to negotiate plea deals. Vick: You’re starting a flea circus? That’s ing crazy man. I saw a cartoon about that. They were on trapezes and stuff. Really high end, mind-blowing shit. Do fleas fight? That would be bitchin’. Purnell: No, we pleaded guilty. You know, in the dogfighting case. Vick: Oh, the dogfighting thing! That shit’s still going on? I smoked up, like, sixty times after that, so I figured that shit was just over and what not. I always think things will work out in the end. You might call me an optimist like that. Purnell: No, it’s not over. We had to settle with the government. Vick: Settle? How much did they pay you? Purnell: No, not that kind of settlement. We got a chance at reduced charges in exchanges for testifying that you were the main financier and organizer of the fights. Vick: So you get off easier by testifying against me? (processes) (processes) (processes) (processes) MUTHA*KA, I’VE BEEN BETRAYED! YOU SOLD ME OUT, MAN! Purnell: We didn’t have a choice! We were going to go to jail for years! Vick: But what about our friendship, man? What about all the good times we had together? Like the time we smoked up and ate that entire package of Hormel pepperoni? Or the time we smoked up and went down to the dock and unhooked all the boats and watched them drift away? Or what about the time we smoked up and I nailed your fiancee? We shared moments, man. Precious memories. And now you’ve gone and doodooed all over them! You and Qyntel! Purnell: Quanis. Vick: Whatever. Purnell: We’re still friends. You know we’re boys, man. No one can take that away from us. But we had to do what we had to do. Vick: You didn’t have to do anything! Look at me! I do nothing all day! I had to take a shit just now and I didn’t even bother to get up! Now there are fruit flies all over me! Purnell: This is serious, man. These people mean business. They take this dogfighting shit hard, man. Vick: But I don’t get it, man! I’m no animal hater! I love dogs. That’s why I like to fight them! I like to admire their inherent dogginess! This is horseshit! Purnell: Either way man, you have to plea. It’s the only thing to do. Vick: that. Nobody can send my ass to jail. No one has my escapability! I’mma beat the rap, then get back to doin’ what I do best: run with the football as a quarterback. Purnell: But I thought you were suspended. Vick: (takes bong hit) I was? Man, why am I always the last mother**er on Earth to know shit?! __________________
Posts: 39,518

08-19-2007, 02:04 PM	#48
Eleazar Beyond the Rapids Join Date: May 2003 Location: Langley, VA Casino cash: $-370000	Pretty weak attempt at humor
Posts: 80,659

08-19-2007, 02:17 PM	#51
HolmeZz i guess its bittersweet poetry Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: NeW HaVeN, CT Casino cash: $10004900	You used a squirrel joke in regards to Psi and couldn't even incorporate 'nuts' into the punchline? For shame.
Posts: 16,520

08-19-2007, 04:18 PM	#54
jidar MVP Join Date: May 2005 Location: a Casino cash: $10004900	this would be a ****ing reeruned thing to ban over. It's obvious why some people are no longer moderators.
Posts: 5,502

08-20-2007, 07:22 AM	#55
crazycoffey .......... Join Date: Dec 2006 Casino cash: $4157901	I think it sounded a whole lot like a J Whit article, but it's one he was finally too embarrassed to put his name on. Oh, and it made me laugh a bit, because I knew it was a parody and was supposed to be funny.
Posts: 28,392