Personal advice sought, v. II.

[Direckshun]

I started a personal advice thread that you guys, god bless ya'll, were kind enough to sincerely offer some words of advice.

The thread featured a friend of mine, well a couple friends of mine who are married to one another. The dude, whom I met them through, is cheating on the girl. My friends had for a while slowly started learning about this, and I picked up the news through the grapevine as well.

I talked to a lot of people, ChiefsPlanet included, about what to do. Do I confront my friend the cheater, calling him out privately and telling him to get his act together, or allow the situation to work itself out as if I saw/heard nothing.

Your advice, overwhelmingly, was to "stay out of it."

Well let me approach the issue from the other side.

As I said, I am friends with both of these individuals, including the chick who for all I know is living under the impression that her husband is loyal.

Here's the question: if I do not have an obligation to step in and tell him to cut his shit out, do I NOT have an obligation to alert her to the situation?

I mean it. **** my male friend -- if my woman was cheating on me and my friends ****ing knew about it, wouldn't it be the all-time dick move not to tell me? For them to continue hanging out with me, allowing me to persist believing in something that isn't happening?

Wouldn't you want your friends to tell you if they knew? Or would you prefer them to stay out of it -- even if they knew.

Thanks in advance for the round of advice.

Matter of fact, if your advice is to "stay out of it," I want you to answer this question:

Would you prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your significant other was cheating on you?

[Coogs]

Originally Posted by Jilly

Why can't he ask just straight out? "dude, why the hell are you ****ing another chick?"

Or you could do this!

Personally I would stay out of it.

[eazyb81]

Originally Posted by Fat Elvis

Any friendship that doesn't have honesty as the foundation really isn't much of a friendship in my book. Some folks like having a large quantity of friends; myself, I prefer quality.

It really has nothing to do with honesty though. People are insecure about different things.

Also, where do you draw the line on giving your opinion or butting into things? Would you tell a friend his car is ugly, his job is crap, or he's a bad parent? Most of those topics are subjective and people will react in different ways.

One person may be extremely grateful for a friend to tell them that they think their spouse is cheating, while another may be pissed and tell them to mind their own business. Neither reaction is necessarily wrong or dishonest.

[FAX]

Originally Posted by Jilly

Why can't he ask just straight out? "dude, why the hell are you ****ing another chick?"

That would be my approach, Ms. Jilly. Although the question is somewhat rhetorical, at least the basic idea is consistent with how I would confront him.

As I said earlier, however, I wouldn't do it, though. I'd let the bastard hang himself because he'll be caught out sooner or later and the only thing that Mr. Direckshun would accomplish is walking headlong into a sh*tstorm and those are bad especially when it's cold because freezing sh*t falling hundreds of miles from the sky can sting like a mother if it catches you in the right spot.

One idea I had was to write an unsigned letter to the girl detailing the bastard's infidelities. That keeps Mr. Direckshun out of the hot seat and solves the problem. Kind of like an anonymous donation to a good cause.

FAX

[Jilly]

Yeah, but I kinda think....better to have the conversation with him. Maybe this is an unhealthy behavior pattern and he needs a friend to help him decide where his commitment is. Maybe he's stuck in his marriage and needs someone to get him to the place of....either committing to making it work or getting a divorce and a friend should be who does this. Or maybe he just screws around on whoever and always has....and a friend should be the one to hold him accountable to his actions. I think a good friend, while they disagree with what you are doing, will still be able to lead someone to be a better person by simply being a friend, rather then causing drama behind his supposed "friend" 's back.

[Iowanian]

You should probably just ignore it, until he drinks too much Zima at your next "Connect 4" couples tournament and tries to give your girlfriend the fonze.


Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.

[dirk digler]

As I said in your other thread if he is a close friend talk to him and let him know people know and his woman is going to find out eventually and it won't end well. Or stay out of it just don't go run to the girl that is just being a rat.

[Mile High Mania]

Someone earlier made a good point...

Is it confirmed that he's a cheating bastard or just a really good rumor that everyone believes to be true. Confirm that before you consider doing anything.

If this is a situation that involves 'casual friends', meaning they're not so close to you that you consider them family... stay out of it.

If this is a situation that involves a friend that is like a brother to you, tread lightly... as mentioned, you don't know what is going on behind closed doors. And, despite your good intentions... it could blow up in your face. Be prepared.

But, most importantly... make up your mind and either say something or just sit on it and deal with it.

[38yrsfan]

Just ask him how long he thinks it will be a "secret" since so many know already. Who knows the wheels might actually align so that the lightbulb is illumiated.

[Chiefless]

Originally Posted by Direckshun

Matter of fact, if your advice is to "stay out of it," I want you to answer this question:

Would you prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your significant other was cheating on you?

Stay out of it. and to answer your question, I would not want to find out ever. I especially would not want to find out from anyone other than my wife. Nothing good can come from blowing this thing up.

[KcFanInGA]

Talk to him. Trust me, something is going on with him internally if he is acting out with sexual and/or risky behavior. Maybe you can help. Maybe not. Just how I would approach it, so take it with a grain of salt, as they say. Good luck.

[Uncle_Ted]

Originally Posted by wild1

I don't understand the "stay out" arguments. Why? Just because it's the path of least resistance?

I would be so incredibly angry with any so-called friend who was covering for my cheating spouse. You're just as bad as they are, because you're complicit in the deception. You are participating in it and helping make the day of reckoning that much more painful down the road.

At the very least someone doing that would get 5 across the eyes the next time I saw him.

Sometimes the path of least resistance is the easiest thing to do because it's also the right thing to do

But I don't think that applies here. For me it boils down to this: you would be interjecting yourself into the most important aspects of these people's lives, when your interest is only tangential at best. Who the hell are you to do that? Just because you think the husband is wrong (and he is) doesn't give you the right to play God with their lives. Doing what you think is "right" isn't always necessarily the "right" thing to do.

As for being complicit in his cheating by not blabbing, that is ridiculous. There's a massive swath of gray area between not passing on an unsubstantiated rumor and actively lying to the wife to cover for him.

[Direckshun]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

You should probably just ignore it, until he drinks too much Zima at your next "Connect 4" couples tournament and tries to give your girlfriend the fonze.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.

[Just Passin' By]

My apologies if this has been mentioned already, but have you thought about sending an anonymous letter to the woman? You seem to want to tell the woman while avoiding unpleasant results for yourself and your fiancee. That might be the solution. It's not the heroic way to go about it, but it is an option.

[Fairplay]

Personal advice my butt.

You will do what you want to do anyway in the end.

[JOhn]

As someone who was cheated on..... I WISH my friends that knew had had the balls to tell me. The one person who did come forward and tell me, was an employee of mine who felt he owed it to me as he had that happen to him.

fwiw