Critique my article

[whoaskew]

Most of my clients are family, friends, and referrals. I plan to write a series of articles about my life experiences to help reach out to them and to help them understand the importance of why they need to speak to me (or someone like me). This is the first article and I will be putting this on myspace bulletin and eventually on my website.

Give me your feedback. Thanks Planet




Drowning


When I was 11 years old, I would go to a day camp during the summer named Minute Circle which had a large swimming pool. One day, I was so determined to be a great swimmer that I walked right past the 4-foot deep section where the other little kids were, and went straight to the 12-foot deep section of the pool. I jumped off the diving board and then sunk.

Within the first few seconds after entering the water, I realized how terrible of a mistake I had made. The blue chlorinated water kept me from being able to see how close I was to the top or bottom of the pool. Panic began to set in as I realized that all my efforts to move were in vain. I calmed myself and tried to think of a rational solution. I initially thought that if I could reach the bottom of the pool, I could push off of it with my legs to propel myself to the top. No matter what I tried I couldn’t get there. I then thought that if I could reach my hand to the top of the water, someone would see me and they would come help. I tried that, but I was too far from the surface for my hand to reach the top.

I stayed there motionless, for what seemed like an eternity. Despite my body’s desperate need for oxygen, I remained calm, at peace. I closed my eyes, and prepared for the inevitable end of my life.

I thought back to many of my experiences, and immediately became aware of the unfulfilled dreams, hopes and plans that I had for my life. I would not be able to help my parents attain a better lifestyle. I would not be there to provide guidance to my younger siblings. I would not be there to be a positive influence on my friends in a neighborhood full of bad influences. I would not have children. I would not be able to teach those children, nourish them, or help them to develop mentally, so that they could become positive influences on society. I would not marry, or ever know what it is like to love someone.

Even at that young age, I was conscious of the fact that I had the potential to have a positive impact on this world. I became full of regret when I realized that very few people would have known that I ever lived, and that I would leave no lasting impression on this world, and no legacy.

When I thought it was too late for me, someone reached out and grabbed my hand. This person pulled me out of the water. I was too busy coughing up water and trying to catch my breath to make out the person’s face. What I do know is that it was a teenage boy, not much older than me who saved my life. It was not too late for me.

Most of you know that I work in financial services helping my clients to build and protect their assets, protecting their income and their family, as well as funding and securing their retirement. In a sense, whether we realize it or not, we are all drowning from the past financial decisions that we have made. This is my attempt to reach out to you. If you don’t talk to me, find someone that you trust that you can talk to. It is not too late for you either.

[Hammock Parties]

LOL...that's pretty cheesy.

"I ALMOST DROWNED."

"ARE YOU DROWNING IN DEBT?"

"HELP ME SAAAAAAVE YOU!"

However it was well written, with a few minor issues that most won't notice.

I thought it was pretty cool. But then, I'm kinda passionate about drownings considering our work with 37 Forever.

I wish I had known you while the Foundation was still active. I'm sure you and people like you could have had a strong impact.

[BigRock]

Originally Posted by whoaskew

I thought back to many of my experiences, and immediately became aware of the unfulfilled dreams, hopes and plans that I had for my life. I would not be able to help my parents attain a better lifestyle. I would not be there to provide guidance to my younger siblings. I would not be there to be a positive influence on my friends in a neighborhood full of bad influences.

Jeez. I almost died when I was that age, but my thoughts were more like "Crap, I just got Super Mario Cart and I never even got to play it."

[wutamess]

Came off as too salesmanish.

I'm interested in your proposition but that's only because I know you. If you was someone off the streets you'd be treated like a Jehovah Witness.

Speaking of which... they came to my house last weekend. 2o f them at the door early in the am. I opened the door and the man (the talker just stared for a good 3-4 seconds before speaking). His first words after the awkward stare was, "We're here to talk to you about the bible..." - "I interupted. We're not interested, thank you"

shut my door.
end of story...
That's all I got.

Originally Posted by wutamess

Came off as too salesmanish.

I'm interested in your proposition but that's only because I know you. If you was someone off the streets you'd be treated like a Jehovah Witness.

Yeah. Probably.

[Joie]

Originally Posted by wutamess

Came off as too salesmanish.

I'm interested in your proposition but that's only because I know you. If you was someone off the streets you'd be treated like a Jehovah Witness.

Speaking of which... they came to my house last weekend. 2o f them at the door early in the am. I opened the door and the man (the talker just stared for a good 3-4 seconds before speaking). His first words after the awkward stare was, "We're here to talk to you about the bible..." - "I interupted. We're not interested, thank you"

shut my door.
end of story...
That's all I got.

My mom used to keep a picture of Jesus hanging by the front door for the Jehovah's Witnesses. As soon as they gave their speech she'd always answer "Sure, right after you hear about my friend, Jesus Christ." Mortified my dad, but worked like a charm.

[Bill S Preston]

Not really believable, and too corny IMO.

[whoaskew]

Originally Posted by Bill S Preston

Not really believable, and too corny IMO.

I appreciate the response, but not believable? You should hear some of my other life stories, they would probably make a good miniseries.

[Rain Man]

I think you've got a core of a good story, and I thought the first part was very strong. If I can offer two observations for improvement, they would be:

1. Did you really think about having and raising children at 11? Maybe I'm the one who is unusual, but that part struck me as a bit odd. I didn't think that a kid that age would be thinking about his own children. If that really happened, that's fine, but it made me furrow my brow a little.

2. You move to the financial part rather abruptly, and then only give it a paragraph. It feels like it's stuck onto the end of an otherwise good story. Perhaps you could build a little more volume into that part to balance it with the story.

Other than those two suggestions, it was very good. Maybe could use a chick with her bikini bottoms falling off, but then again, that's how all my favorite stories end.

[ChiefaRoo]

Completely unrealistic reaction for a child.

[RealSNR]

It sucks. So do you.

[ClevelandBronco]

Originally Posted by whoaskew

Most of my clients are family, friends, and referrals...

Check your PMs.

[cdcox]

Your article sucked because you didn't call out the 44 HOF voters for not inducting DT.

[whoaskew]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

I think you've got a core of a good story, and I thought the first part was very strong.

Thanks, I was kind of rushing at the end and I see that you could tell that. I'll have to address that.

Originally Posted by Rain Man

1. Did you really think about having and raising children at 11? Maybe I'm the one who is unusual, but that part struck me as a bit odd. I didn't think that a kid that age would be thinking about his own children. If that really happened, that's fine, but it made me furrow my brow a little.

I was not a typical child. I turned 11 in 6th grade. I was an only child until age 8 and spent a large amount of my time with elderly people and older family members, and in many ways I thought like them. Hell, at age 12, I was installing car radios, boosters and speakers on my 10-speed bicycle. It looked like shit, but it worked (at least until the 9.6 volt remote control car batteries ran out of juice). LOL

Originally Posted by Rain Man

2. You move to the financial part rather abruptly, and then only give it a paragraph. It feels like it's stuck onto the end of an otherwise good story. Perhaps you could build a little more volume into that part to balance it with the story.

Other than those two suggestions, it was very good. Maybe could use a chick with her bikini bottoms falling off, but then again, that's how all my favorite stories end.

My purpose when writing this was to help people understand the range of emotions that I felt when I went through that particular experience. Even at that young age, I beleive that I had a very adult reaction, that most people could relate to. Most people, especially while they are young, have an irrational belief that bad things simply cannot happen to them. Usually, the person has to either experience or witness a traumatic event (car wreck, burying a close friend or relative, etc.) before they start being honest with themselves. My hope was that by them reading about my experience, they could imagine how they would have felt in the situation, and become emotionally disturbed enough to do something about their situation while they still have the option. As my coworker always says, "There are no parachute stores when you're halfway to the ground."