The Embarrassingly Unofficial "The Onion: Sports" Thread

Direckshun · 02-07-2008, 02:23 AM

http://www.theonion.com/content/from...uicide_hotline

Dallas-Area Suicide Hotline Operators Get Their Popcorn Ready

Ran across a lot of funny shit involving the Pats that I thought each deserved a thread, so **** it, I'm consolidating it in here.

Direckshun · 02-07-2008, 02:24 AM

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...rfect_for_rest

February 07, 2008

Patriots' Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation

FOXBOROUGH, MA—As the once-invincible, still-insufferable Patriots attempt to come to grips with their 17-14 Super Bowl loss to the Giants, the death of their dream to go undefeated, and the possible end of their dynasty, almost every other person in America is reveling in what they consider the perfect ending to New England's season.

"I just couldn't imagine a better ending to the Patriots odyssey," said Simon Williams, a Kansas City-area football fan who usually watches the college game but found himself caught up in the Patriots' sheer loathsomeness during the season. "The utter lack of humility they displayed alongside an equal lack of any joy in the game, that toad of a coach, and that cologne-ad quarterback… If they have to act that badly while playing that well, you really want to see them fail in the biggest way possible. Thank God almighty, that's what we got."

There is general agreement that the Super Bowl, despite the low score, was one of the finest in recent memory, due in part to the fearsome performance by the Giants and a cool, courageous display of quarterbacking by Eli Manning.

However, when asked about their favorite parts of the game, most fans chose the Patriots' cocky decision to begin the game with a trick play, which the Giants stopped handily; Bill Belichick's smug third-quarter attempt at a fourth-and-13 conversion, which blew up in his face, instead of trying a field goal; and New England's offensive line, which featured three Pro Bowlers, allowing high-cheekboned, doe-eyed, supermodel-impregnating passer Tom Brady to be hit over 20 times during the course of the game.

"Did you see [Giants defensive tackle Lance] Alford smack Brady right in the face on that last drive?" said Bellvue, WA newsstand operator Christian Dansby. "Brady was almost offended. I think he forgot for a few months there that he was a football player. It was just perfect."

"God, seeing Randy Moss do his weird chicken-wing crowd taunt when they scored to go ahead in the fourth was awful," said Jeff Lafferty, who watched the Super Bowl with rabid New England fans despite having known them for years. "What's worse is that the Pats fans ate it up. Of course, when Burress made that catch to win… Perfection. That's the only word for the Pats now. Perfection."

However, most fans gave responses that had little to do with the game itself and more with the almost flawless joy of seeing the Patriots lose, as a team that has been insufferable and unappealing in victory instantly became inconsolable and self-pitying in defeat.

Frequently mentioned examples of instances which, upon reflection, sweetened the Patriots' utter failure included the team's propensity to complain about unfair officiating after their victories; their habit of gleefully running up the score, which also resulted in Brady and Moss earning NFL single-season scoring records in blowouts; and of course, the players' and coaches' hateful attitude.

"Come on, that cheating scandal to open the season and all they say is 'Everybody does it?' They could have at least acted a little bit sorry," said Milwaukee architect and sports fan David Engel. "They acted like a bunch of third-graders, just the way Belichick did when he ran off the field with time left on the clock. At least he shook the other coach's hand this time. That's a first for the big baby."

"The worst part for me is that none of them seem to enjoy playing football," said Lexington, KY-area mechanic Jack Colgrave. "Even when they were winning, all they did was taunt—Randy Moss taunting crowds, Wes Welker telling people they sucked, Brady sneering at the very idea they might get beat someday. What a bunch of absolutely perfect assholes."

"Did their team plane land safely back in Foxborough?" Colgrave asked. "It didn't happen to lose altitude over Boston, burst into a cartwheel of flames, throwing players like Roman candles across New England, and then slam into few dozen loudmouth Patriots' fans houses? It didn't? Well, I guess no football season is perfect."

Direckshun · 02-07-2008, 02:28 AM

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...k_we_didnt_win

February 07, 2008

Bill Belichick: 'We Didn't Win In That Last Second, Did We?'

PHOENIX—Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, the target of much criticism this week after his brusque exit from the playing field with one second left in the Super Bowl Sunday, questioned reporters gathered outside the team's locker room as to whether or not his players had somehow created a turnover during the Giants' final kneel-down and scored the winning touchdown. "Did we end up making a couple of more plays than the other team ended up making during the final second?" Belichick asked. "I'm assuming Randy Moss didn't happen to leap over the Giants offensive line, throw himself under Eli Manning's knee, causing a fumble which was then picked up by Mike Vrabel and run all the way back for a touchdown, right?" Upon finding out that his team did not in fact pull off an amazing miracle comeback in the controversial second, Belichick muttered something about disappointment and walked off.

pikesome · 02-07-2008, 08:31 AM

You have to love the Onion, these might be the best articles on the subject in print.

FD · 02-07-2008, 09:40 AM

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...satisfied_with

Quote:

Both Teams Satisfied With Three-And-A-Half Yard Carry

KANSAS CITY, MO—Players on both the anemic Kansas City Chiefs offense and the porous Cincinnati Bengals defense celebrated with high-fives, hugs, and minor victory dances when the Bengals managed to stop a rare positive gain by the Chiefs running game during the first quarter of Sunday's game at Arrowhead Stadium. "Getting almost two feet more than their league worst 3.1 yards-per-carry average could be a huge momentum builder for the Chiefs," said CBS announcer Rich Gannon, who had initially expected Chiefs running back Larry Johnson to slip and fall down behind the line of scrimmage, run straight into his blockers, or fumble while the Bengals linebackers either attempted weak arm tackles or overran the play completely. "Still, you really have to like what the Bengals did on that play by allowing only a few yards before tackling the runner. Both of these teams are really setting the tone right now." Gannon added that he didn't know how long these two teams could continue to play over their heads and execute at such an average level.

StcChief · 02-07-2008, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Oniion

"Did their team plane land safely back in Foxborough?" Colgrave asked. "It didn't happen to lose altitude over Boston, burst into a cartwheel of flames, throwing players like Roman candles across New England, and then slam into few dozen loudmouth Patriots' fans houses? It didn't? Well, I guess no football season is perfect."

perfect ending.

**chasedude** · 02-07-2008, 10:39 AM

I view the Onion almost daily. Even most of the site is a bunch of satirical bull hockey, this story had me rolling.

I loved this part about the KC area football fan.

Quote:

"I just couldn't imagine a better ending to the Patriots odyssey," said Simon Williams, a Kansas City-area football fan who usually watches the college game but found himself caught up in the Patriots' sheer loathsomeness during the season. "The utter lack of humility they displayed alongside an equal lack of any joy in the game, that toad of a coach, and that cologne-ad quarterback… If they have to act that badly while playing that well, you really want to see them fail in the biggest way possible. Thank God almighty, that's what we got."

Who usually watches the College game?

Simon why aren't you watching the Chiefs? Oh nevermind... answered my own question

**pr_capone** · 02-07-2008, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Direckshun

"Did their team plane land safely back in Foxborough?" Colgrave asked. "It didn't happen to lose altitude over Boston, burst into a cartwheel of flames, throwing players like Roman candles across New England, and then slam into few dozen loudmouth Patriots' fans houses? It didn't? Well, I guess no football season is perfect."

OMFG

That has to be the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time.

Direckshun · 02-07-2008, 01:17 PM

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...o_have_injured

January 09, 2008

Shaq Asks To Have Injured Hip Replaced With Lasers

LOS ANGELES—Following a medical appointment Monday in which he sought treatment for a hip injury that has sidelined him for the past five games, Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal told reporters he has asked doctors to use their science to replace his ailing hip with intense beams of highly focused coherent light. "'The Real Deal' can no longer afford to be slowed down by physical bones, which refuse to stop hurting," the four-time NBA champion, who has not played since Dec. 22, told reporters Wednesday. "So I told them to just open me up and bolt in some lasers, so I can get back out on the court and help my team. I'm thinking maybe they should replace my entire skeleton. Some of those bones have been weighing me down for too long." Although Heat coach Pat Riley felt the bursitis in O'Neal's hip would heal in a couple of weeks without the use of high-energy stimulated radiation implants, he expressed concern after learning "Doctor Shaq" would perform the laser hip transplant on himself if he could not find a surgeon for the procedure.

**chasedude** · 02-07-2008, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Direckshun

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...o_have_injured

January 09, 2008

Shaq Asks To Have Injured Hip Replaced With Lasers

LOS ANGELES—Following a medical appointment Monday in which he sought treatment for a hip injury that has sidelined him for the past five games, Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal told reporters he has asked doctors to use their science to replace his ailing hip with intense beams of highly focused coherent light. "'The Real Deal' can no longer afford to be slowed down by physical bones, which refuse to stop hurting," the four-time NBA champion, who has not played since Dec. 22, told reporters Wednesday. "So I told them to just open me up and bolt in some lasers, so I can get back out on the court and help my team. I'm thinking maybe they should replace my entire skeleton. Some of those bones have been weighing me down for too long." Although Heat coach Pat Riley felt the bursitis in O'Neal's hip would heal in a couple of weeks without the use of high-energy stimulated radiation implants, he expressed concern after learning "Doctor Shaq" would perform the laser hip transplant on himself if he could not find a surgeon for the procedure.

The return of Shaq Fu!!!

Mama Hip Rockets · 02-07-2008, 11:01 PM

this site has a lot of funny stuff too:

www.thebrushback.com

Direckshun · 03-30-2008, 08:33 PM

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...old_not_to_get

March 27, 2008
Royals Told Not To Get Uniforms Dirty

KANSAS CITY—Before taking the field last Wednesday for their game against the Minnesota Twins, Kansas City Royals manager Trey Hillman reportedly instructed his players not to get dirt, dust, grass, tobacco juice, or sweat on their uniforms, as the team can no longer afford to do laundry after each game. "Apparently it's too expensive to get the stains out of these all-white one-size-fits-all jobs, especially since we're only getting one each this year," said third baseman Alex Gordon while reciting other new team rules, which include sharing the team's three batting helmets, conserving eye black, and bringing their own bags of rosin from home. "Not that getting our uniforms dirty has really been a problem." The Royals are looking forward to their upcoming road trip where they can wear their freshly cleaned away uniforms, even though the team has to take turns driving to Seattle.

pikesome · 03-30-2008, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Direckshun

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...old_not_to_get

March 27, 2008
Royals Told Not To Get Uniforms Dirty

KANSAS CITY—Before taking the field last Wednesday for their game against the Minnesota Twins, Kansas City Royals manager Trey Hillman reportedly instructed his players not to get dirt, dust, grass, tobacco juice, or sweat on their uniforms, as the team can no longer afford to do laundry after each game. "Apparently it's too expensive to get the stains out of these all-white one-size-fits-all jobs, especially since we're only getting one each this year," said third baseman Alex Gordon while reciting other new team rules, which include sharing the team's three batting helmets, conserving eye black, and bringing their own bags of rosin from home. "Not that getting our uniforms dirty has really been a problem." The Royals are looking forward to their upcoming road trip where they can wear their freshly cleaned away uniforms, even though the team has to take turns driving to Seattle.

I'm glad someone else shares my contempt for the Royals.

02-07-2008, 02:23 AM
Direckshun __ Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Springpatch Casino cash: $2033447	The Embarrassingly Unofficial "The Onion: Sports" Thread http://www.theonion.com/content/from...uicide_hotline Dallas-Area Suicide Hotline Operators Get Their Popcorn Ready Ran across a lot of funny shit involving the Pats that I thought each deserved a thread, so **** it, I'm consolidating it in here.
Posts: 59,693

02-07-2008, 02:24 AM	#2
Direckshun __ Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Springpatch Casino cash: $2033447	http://www.theonion.com/content/news...rfect_for_rest February 07, 2008 Patriots' Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation FOXBOROUGH, MA—As the once-invincible, still-insufferable Patriots attempt to come to grips with their 17-14 Super Bowl loss to the Giants, the death of their dream to go undefeated, and the possible end of their dynasty, almost every other person in America is reveling in what they consider the perfect ending to New England's season. "I just couldn't imagine a better ending to the Patriots odyssey," said Simon Williams, a Kansas City-area football fan who usually watches the college game but found himself caught up in the Patriots' sheer loathsomeness during the season. "The utter lack of humility they displayed alongside an equal lack of any joy in the game, that toad of a coach, and that cologne-ad quarterback… If they have to act that badly while playing that well, you really want to see them fail in the biggest way possible. Thank God almighty, that's what we got." There is general agreement that the Super Bowl, despite the low score, was one of the finest in recent memory, due in part to the fearsome performance by the Giants and a cool, courageous display of quarterbacking by Eli Manning. However, when asked about their favorite parts of the game, most fans chose the Patriots' cocky decision to begin the game with a trick play, which the Giants stopped handily; Bill Belichick's smug third-quarter attempt at a fourth-and-13 conversion, which blew up in his face, instead of trying a field goal; and New England's offensive line, which featured three Pro Bowlers, allowing high-cheekboned, doe-eyed, supermodel-impregnating passer Tom Brady to be hit over 20 times during the course of the game. "Did you see [Giants defensive tackle Lance] Alford smack Brady right in the face on that last drive?" said Bellvue, WA newsstand operator Christian Dansby. "Brady was almost offended. I think he forgot for a few months there that he was a football player. It was just perfect." "God, seeing Randy Moss do his weird chicken-wing crowd taunt when they scored to go ahead in the fourth was awful," said Jeff Lafferty, who watched the Super Bowl with rabid New England fans despite having known them for years. "What's worse is that the Pats fans ate it up. Of course, when Burress made that catch to win… Perfection. That's the only word for the Pats now. Perfection." However, most fans gave responses that had little to do with the game itself and more with the almost flawless joy of seeing the Patriots lose, as a team that has been insufferable and unappealing in victory instantly became inconsolable and self-pitying in defeat. Frequently mentioned examples of instances which, upon reflection, sweetened the Patriots' utter failure included the team's propensity to complain about unfair officiating after their victories; their habit of gleefully running up the score, which also resulted in Brady and Moss earning NFL single-season scoring records in blowouts; and of course, the players' and coaches' hateful attitude. "Come on, that cheating scandal to open the season and all they say is 'Everybody does it?' They could have at least acted a little bit sorry," said Milwaukee architect and sports fan David Engel. "They acted like a bunch of third-graders, just the way Belichick did when he ran off the field with time left on the clock. At least he shook the other coach's hand this time. That's a first for the big baby." "The worst part for me is that none of them seem to enjoy playing football," said Lexington, KY-area mechanic Jack Colgrave. "Even when they were winning, all they did was taunt—Randy Moss taunting crowds, Wes Welker telling people they sucked, Brady sneering at the very idea they might get beat someday. What a bunch of absolutely perfect assholes." "Did their team plane land safely back in Foxborough?" Colgrave asked. "It didn't happen to lose altitude over Boston, burst into a cartwheel of flames, throwing players like Roman candles across New England, and then slam into few dozen loudmouth Patriots' fans houses? It didn't? Well, I guess no football season is perfect."
Posts: 59,693

02-07-2008, 02:28 AM	#3
Direckshun __ Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Springpatch Casino cash: $2033447	http://www.theonion.com/content/news...k_we_didnt_win February 07, 2008 Bill Belichick: 'We Didn't Win In That Last Second, Did We?' PHOENIX—Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, the target of much criticism this week after his brusque exit from the playing field with one second left in the Super Bowl Sunday, questioned reporters gathered outside the team's locker room as to whether or not his players had somehow created a turnover during the Giants' final kneel-down and scored the winning touchdown. "Did we end up making a couple of more plays than the other team ended up making during the final second?" Belichick asked. "I'm assuming Randy Moss didn't happen to leap over the Giants offensive line, throw himself under Eli Manning's knee, causing a fumble which was then picked up by Mike Vrabel and run all the way back for a touchdown, right?" Upon finding out that his team did not in fact pull off an amazing miracle comeback in the controversial second, Belichick muttered something about disappointment and walked off.
Posts: 59,693

02-07-2008, 08:31 AM	#4
pikesome PEW PEW Join Date: May 2005 Casino cash: $10004900	You have to love the Onion, these might be the best articles on the subject in print. __________________ 4. Performance enhancing drugs: A) are my ticket to the Hall of Fame. B) would be better if they tasted like fruit and were shaped like various Flintstones characters. C) are not for me, because I find that cocaine aids my performance much more effectively. D) apparently worked for Rodney Harrison.
Posts: 5,191

02-07-2008, 01:17 PM	#9
Direckshun __ Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Springpatch Casino cash: $2033447	http://www.theonion.com/content/news...o_have_injured January 09, 2008 Shaq Asks To Have Injured Hip Replaced With Lasers LOS ANGELES—Following a medical appointment Monday in which he sought treatment for a hip injury that has sidelined him for the past five games, Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal told reporters he has asked doctors to use their science to replace his ailing hip with intense beams of highly focused coherent light. "'The Real Deal' can no longer afford to be slowed down by physical bones, which refuse to stop hurting," the four-time NBA champion, who has not played since Dec. 22, told reporters Wednesday. "So I told them to just open me up and bolt in some lasers, so I can get back out on the court and help my team. I'm thinking maybe they should replace my entire skeleton. Some of those bones have been weighing me down for too long." Although Heat coach Pat Riley felt the bursitis in O'Neal's hip would heal in a couple of weeks without the use of high-energy stimulated radiation implants, he expressed concern after learning "Doctor Shaq" would perform the laser hip transplant on himself if he could not find a surgeon for the procedure.
Posts: 59,693

02-07-2008, 11:01 PM	#11
Mama Hip Rockets You don't faze me, Gobble. Join Date: Dec 2005 Casino cash: $9915644	this site has a lot of funny stuff too: www.thebrushback.com
Posts: 13,675

03-30-2008, 08:33 PM	#12
Direckshun __ Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Springpatch Casino cash: $2033447	http://www.theonion.com/content/news...old_not_to_get March 27, 2008 Royals Told Not To Get Uniforms Dirty KANSAS CITY—Before taking the field last Wednesday for their game against the Minnesota Twins, Kansas City Royals manager Trey Hillman reportedly instructed his players not to get dirt, dust, grass, tobacco juice, or sweat on their uniforms, as the team can no longer afford to do laundry after each game. "Apparently it's too expensive to get the stains out of these all-white one-size-fits-all jobs, especially since we're only getting one each this year," said third baseman Alex Gordon while reciting other new team rules, which include sharing the team's three batting helmets, conserving eye black, and bringing their own bags of rosin from home. "Not that getting our uniforms dirty has really been a problem." The Royals are looking forward to their upcoming road trip where they can wear their freshly cleaned away uniforms, even though the team has to take turns driving to Seattle.
Posts: 59,693