n00b game 3 submission

[loochy]

(Picture by WV)

Detoxing:

It was a chilly Monday afternoon. The city reeked of horse shit and bad breath. Cheap crackwhores lined the streets like diamonds in a lump of coal. Children sold Chiclets gum outside the Police station so they could pay for their next fix while their parents groveled and rubbed their nude bodies all over the John Elway Monument. "Another perfect day in Denver, Colorado," Tom Teebow thought to himself as he gazed out of his apartment window.

He adored his city of mentally handicapped followers. They were a reeruned population that the world didn't understand. But that was ok, because Tom understood them. He felt at home, like one of them. These were his people and he was their savior. As he peered into the streets he could feel the weight of the city on his shoulders. In just 6 short days the NFL pre-season would start, and he would need to prove to these restless citizens that he could bring a championship back to the city of Denver. Tom was ready to take on the world…and maybe the NFL too. With a sudden burst of energy, a holy light if you will, he quickly pulled his curtains closed and began his morning ritual. Tom threw himself to the floor he began screaming, "ALLAHU AKBAR! ALLAHU AKBAR! ALLAHU AKBAR!" As everyone knew, Tom was a religious man, and it was his faith that kept the city of Denver together. His faith in the Koran was unshakeable, and he displayed his faith prior to engaging in any activity to make sure the world knew how serious he was. Now it was time to go. Tom quickly laced up his size 6 shoe, turned off his animal porn, and slapped his prize winning poodle, Princess, on the ass. "Mmm...that's what a firm pedigree ass is SUPPOSED to feel like," he thought to himself. "Not now Tom, stay focused," he said to himself repeatedly after feeling the moist heat pulsate from Princess' buttocks. "I have to get this done, FOR DENVER!"

WV:

Tom yawned as he thought to himself, "I just need to finish my nap and penal extension exercises, no reason to get all motivated too soon." Nearly all of the women in Denver knew about Tom’s debilitating problem of starting and finishing too soon. Tom kept thoughts of failures such as that pushed down deep, hidden behind the cover of his extremist religious beliefs.

(Picture by WV)

As Tom drifted off to sleep he began to dream of his draft day. All 145 townsfolk (all relatives) from his hometown crammed into the one building in town with a TV: the town mosque. Yes, among the scattered rugs facing east and pigskin bound copies of the Koran, there was a large altar with a giant pewter statue of Allah on top. But more than that, under the fancy skirt of that statue was a 55" LCD HD TV that the Head Cleric told Tom that Allah had provided. Of course, everyone but Tom knew that he had actually bought that TV and satellite system to support an illegal camel racing betting service ran through the church (and of course for watching NASCAR races too).

Tom was the town’s pride and joy and their ticket to riches, so they thought. You see, ever since Tom was adopted by the Teebow family, they had been grooming him for the NFL. Of course, being an immigrant family of goat herders from Casselsbad, Suckmenistan living in a small podunk town, they really didn't have a clue what that really took.

The mosque was completely full of both people and excitement. This was the day their Tommy would become an NFL superstar!

"So Tom, wut team would ye like to be drafted by in this here draft?" Jethro the head Cleric asked.

"Well, I'll be happy to go where Allah sees fit to put me" said Tom.

"You know the whole town’s perty near bettin’ you'll be gone by the first few picks!" Jethro exclaimed. In reality, that is exactly what was happening. The Head Cleric had started a pool to bet on Tom’s destination.

"Oh, I'm not so sure about that, but I have faith in Allah" said Tom.

Just then a whole group of young women (some of which had to be paid) arrived to lavish, praise, and flirt with Tom to build his spirits. "Oh Tommy, won't you take me with you when you get drafted? I'm just dying to see what's outside this here holler," said Paula Jo, the town's ugliest girl and Tom's only real female admirer.

Suddenly overcome with carnal emotion, Tom ran off to the back room and began to fap furiously until he relieved himself in a small Dixie cup. You see, Tom was told it was ok to do this only if he saved his fluids to offer to Lola the town whore, whom he thought was a deity. Furious at his 2 minutes of uncontrolled lust and for having to once again see his shamefully small member, he began to cry. Tom was a big crier and was told it gave him character.

Back out in the crowded Mosque it was time for the draft!

The agony and tears that occurred over the next few days was the worst the town had felt since the mysterious shaming of the towns goat herd. The only happy person was Cletus the town drunk, an outcast who had voted his entire life savings that Tom would go undrafted in the first round. He came away with three goats (which he insisted be virgins), $31, and a Dale Earnhardt Street sign for his camper trailer.

(Picture by Loochy)

Once Sunday rolled around the crowds were gone only Tom, his parents, a few vagabonds, and Jethro were left watching the draft. Dejected and crying once again, Tom began to sob and mutter, "Allah hates me, Allah hates me, he must have found out about the goat herd!" This of course led to some curious looks, exchanges of money, and told you sos.

Just then, with the final pick in the final round, John Elway himself clopped out onto the stage and read the Broncos’ last selection. “With the last selection in the draft the Denver Broncos select…Tom Teebow!”

Jubilation erupted in the church, which then filled up with hundreds of tiny shiny goats with ribbons in their hair and Paula Jo, nude in all her 315 pound glory. Just before she reached Tom, he realized that he was also nude! With his 2" erect chub saluting he shuttered awake from his nap. "Dang, I never get past that part!" Tom lamented. "And now I don't have time to do my penis exercises and have a mess to clean off myself."

Loochy:

After showering and eating a meal of Wheaties and goat eyeballs, Tom threw his duffel bag in the car and headed off to Mile High for practice. Tom drove along the interstate in his brand new Toyota Prius. The soft hum of the hybrid engine reminded Tom of the sound of Paula Jo’s stomach after a long night of beer and kebabs. “Ahh…what I wouldn’t give to be back home,” Tom thought to himself, drifting away into thoughts of his old life.

“TEEBOW SUCKS! GO BACK HOME WITH YOUR OWN KIND!” A truck full of Broncos fans belittled and taunted Teebow as it sped past Teebow’s weak and underpowered Prius. These fans were typical of the fans found in Denver – poor, smelly, short, fat Mexican immigrants. Teebow had nothing against the people of Denver, but his less than savory reception into this dump of a town had him close to his breaking point. “What would Mohammed do?” Teebow asked himself. This was a question that Teebow had asked himself many times over the years, but strangely enough it never helped to resolve any situation he found himself in.

Teebow pulled his Prius next to a Maserati in the Mile High parking lot. Teeebow hadn’t quite managed to fit in with his new teammates yet, but he hoped to win them over with his play on the field. “Allah help me as I declare jihad on the AFC west,” Tom muttered as he grabbed his bag from the passenger seat. He headed to the locker room to get ready for practice.
One of Teebow’s bosses, John Elway, spotted him in the hall “Uh hur a hur a hee haw Tommy what’s going on? We’re gonna need you this year. You’ve got to learn how to throw! HEE HAWWW!” Tom couldn’t help but notice Elway’s uncanny resemblance to his hometown’s stray donkey that he helped feed. Teebow shrugged and told Elway “Yeah, we’ll see what we can get done.” Teebow continued on to the locker room, where he quickly changed in a corner so nobody would notice his comically small manhood. Teebow headed up the tunnel and out to the practice field.

SOFA KING:

(Everything is black, when suddenly a light shines through… It’s Tom, blinking away the dark haze.)

“TOM…TOM! COME BACK! DON’T GO INTO THE LIGHT TOM!” screamed convicted audiophile John Elway. “Wha… what happened?” cried Tom. “You rolled your ankle in the tunnel and cried until passed out,” stated Mr. Elway, or Ms. Elway as his high school friends knew her before the sex change. “Now get out there and show those boys what you can do” demanded Elway. Through his tears, Tom mumbled “Okay,” as he headed to the practice field, carrying both his own gear as well as Kyle Orton’s.

“This is a big day for you, Tom. Allah, give me the strength to overcome my physical and mental deficiencies and allow me to throw the football to my own teammates for a change,” he thought to himself.

“**** YOU TEEBOW! YOU SUCK!” snickered backup quarterback Brady Quinn from behind the water cooler. “Tom hates Brady Quinn,” Tom thought to himself. “Today Tom will make something of himself.”

“Teebow, get your ass out here,” screamed running back Phyllis McGayhee, snapping Tom out of his daydream. Tom trotted out to the field, dodging several pieces of trash blowing in the wind. At one point he did the Heisman pose as he stiff armed an ironically negative article about him from the local newspaper that was blowing at his face. After wrestling with several other pieces of trash in a similar fashion, Tom finally made it into the huddle. He looked around into the faces of him teammates for the first time and thought to himself “There sure are a lot of black people out here.” Tom promptly shouted “TIMEOUT!”

“What the hell?” Phyllis asked when he saw Tom sprinting off the field. An alarmed Tom screamed “John! You didn’t tell me there were so many n*gg**s in the NFL!!!”

Kyle DeLexus

The entire preseason didn’t go much better than that last day of training camp. Tom was as terrible as always, but he still tried his best every day. John Elway, who was now being investigated for raping a horse, was trying to decide if he wanted to keep Teebow on the roster or send him back to the shithole he came from. Then, the day before Elway was going to cut Teebow, Brady Quinn tore a muscle while having sex with his gymnast girlfriend. After hearing the news that he would be the backup QB going into the season, Tom was ecstatic. He screamed with joy, “Finally, after all my hard work and through my faith in Allah, I will actually get to hold a clip board in a real game! One day they will all see my talents and I will get to play.”
As the official backup QB, Tom was getting reps with the shitbird second string offense in the last practice before the first game of the season. He decided that he would show the entire team that he was the best QB on the roster. He dropped back to throw and let out what felt like a perfect 20 yard bomb. “Oh yeah that’s rupees,” he thought to himself. The ball went shooting out of his hand straight toward the sidelines and drilled Kyle Orton right in the throwing hand. Even though the ball was basically lobbed over with all the velocity Tom could muster, Orton claimed his hand was broken just so he wouldn’t have to worry about winning with such a horrible team. Teebow was the new starter of the Denver Broncos.

The first game of the year was against the New Orleans Saints, who were just two years removed from a Big Game Championship. Before the game started, the Defensive Coordinator for the Saints, Gregg Williams, came up to Tom and gave him $500, saying it was for some kind of bounty the Saints had on Orton. Tom had no clue what Williams meant, but he took the money nonetheless. Denver coach John Fox came into the locker room to give his pregame speech, but Tom didn’t hear a word of it. He was deep in thought, dreaming of the glory that was about to be his. “This is it! Everything you have worked for all comes down to today. You are the greatest QB Suckmenistan has ever known. I will win this game for Allah and my countrymen.”

Teebow took the field after the Saints scored on an 80 yard touchdown run from Pierre Thomas. “This is it,” thought Teebow. “I will finally show everyone what the powers of Allah can do.” Tom dropped back to pass and felt pressure on his blindside so he took off rolling to the left. After buying some time, he saw Phyllis McGayhee open in the middle of the field so he threw it as hard as he could in McGayhee’s general direction. The ball hit Bronco offensive lineman Ryan Hairless in the back of the helmet and bounced up in the air for grabs. Saints Defensive End Will Smith, who was famous for his role in the movie Independence Day and for his hit single “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”, leaped up, snatched the ball out of the air, and took off for the end zone. Teebow chased Smith to the end zone, trying to fix Hairless’ mistake. Then, all of a sudden, everything went black.

Tom woke up in the hospital, where John Elway informed him that he had tripped while trying to make a tackle, blowing out his knee and giving him a concussion. Teebow was done for the year. He returned to Casselsbad to a hero’s welcome. He had played in a NFL game. To all Casselsbadians he was the greatest player the NFL had ever seen. They would celebrate his triumphant return with a hunting trip and a feast. Tom decided he would go on the hunting trip even though the Taliban doctors had told him it was not a good idea with his knee in the shape it was. The hunting party had been gone for around four hours when they spotted the most majestic creature any of them had ever seen. There before them was the rarest of animals, the fabled Liger. The Liger, upon spotting the hunting party, went directly into attack mode and promptly took off after the party. Unfortunately, one person could not keep up with the group and started falling behind. Alas, Tom just couldn’t run very fast with his knee busted up like it was. Within a few minutes, it was over. Tom was gone.

Ten years later in Cannot, Ohio, Tom Teebow was inducted into the Hall of Trying Really, Really Hard along with Rudy Ruettiger, and the Mystery Alaska hockey team.

(Picture by KC Tattoo)

[Bugeater]

tl;dr

[Sofa King]

WINNER!

[loochy]

Originally Posted by Bugeater

tl;dr

oh well you don't know how to read anyway

[Rasputin]

Back cover

[mlyonsd]

No way you lose this.

[Sofa King]

lol

[Rasputin]

Originally Posted by Sofa King

WINNER!

THIS Suck it vets!

[Sofa King]

i can't stop laughing. This is awesome

[Dartgod]

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...................

[Rasputin]

Bonus illustration artwork.

[Rasputin]

LOL at the best part, the whole thing!

[Dartgod]

Originally Posted by KC Tattoo

Bonus illustration artwork.

Originally Posted by Gonzo

I want 3 illustrated pictures, (Drawn via MS Paint or similar) to go with your short story. One picture will be for the cover of your short story, (don't forget a title) the other two for the content.

DQed!!

[Buck]

Jesus Christ that was horrible. You actually thought that was funny?

[WV]

Awesome!