Planet Writing Project: The Book of Scanlon

[Braincase]

Chapter 1, Verse 1:

In the beginning, there was Gunther, and Gunther looked upon his countenance, and said unto all, "This is Rich. Rich is good." And The Vermeil looked upon his countenance and spoke so all could hear, "Indeed. Behold The Scanlon!"

[Hammock Parties]

Originally Posted by Braincase

Chapter 1, Verse 1:

In the beginning, there was Gunther, and Gunther looked upon his countenance, and said unto all, "This is Rich. Rich is good." And The Vermeil looked upon his countenance and spoke so all could hear, "Indeed. Behold The Scanlon!"

Chapter 1, verse 2:

And two great prophets came out of the west. Their names were Roy, and Roy. And lo, they did speak of great prophecies in the name of Scanlon.

[|Zach|]

This thread is meant in jest but a Rams board actually has an ongoing story type thing that is loosley based on the Ram's season and the posters on the forum. It is called Book Of The Spiral Horns. They are on freakin volume IV. This is a little sad.

Prologue: The Hunted

In the Golden Age of SpiralHorns, feats of greatness were commonplace. Glory was always within the grasp of the Legion. But those days are over now. The Golden Age has ended, and the SpiralHorns now enter a darker age of onslaught and loss. The Legion are no longer hunters, they are the hunted.

These words stabbed at the hearts of the Clan's Council like sharpened daggers.

"Who could have written such a dire proclamation?" Texrameas queried, expressing the thoughts of many in the Great Hall.

"Surely these are the words of a propagandist… an agent of an enemy seeking to plant the seeds of fear among us." Ferteros offered, "perhaps the work of your brother, AvengerRam?"

"No," AvengerRam replied, "my brother, the AvengerEagle prefers to attack directly. This is not his manner of waging battle."

The Council resigned themselves to the fact that this mystery would not be solved within their ranks. And so they went out among the Legion, to determine whether these written words had dampened the spirits of the SpiralHorns.

What they found did not please them.

"Surely, we cannot go into battle with so many soldiers wounded already!" some would exclaim.

Others lamented, "too many of our greatest Champions are no longer among us. The new guard is not ready for the challenges that lie ahead."

These words concerned the Council, but far more disturbing was the response to the suggestion that the Clan had been influenced by an enemy: these words did not come from outside the Clan. Rather, the proclamation came from within the Legion itself… a contingent of doomsayers calling themselves the Brotherhood of Separatists. Could mutiny and treason be in the air even now, in the waning moments of the Summer and before the battles begin again?

"No!!!!" a familiar voice cried out. "Hear me now my fellow SpiralHorns! Many tasks lie before us, and we must meet them together. We cannot grieve for that which has been lost! Our enemies will not allow this. They may think us to be the hunted, but we are the Legion Eternal! From this day forward I ask you to put aside the fears of the Separatists, and join the battle once more. If we are together, they cannot destroy us… death itself cannot stop us!"

And so the Legion prepared for battle, heeding the words of JRamnon who… forever from that day, would be known as the RamWraith.

The Separatists, however, were undaunted.

Chapter 1: The Two Fields of Battle

Within the walls of the Homeland Fortress, the debates raged on. From the shadows emerged Ramtimeus, and the leader of Sepratists was no longer a mystery. Eloquently he spoke of the dangers of an unbroken path and blind faith.

“Do not question my loyalty to the Legion!” Ramtimeus exclaimed “for my purpose is not to prophesize doom but merely to caution. The Great General has erred in the past, and our warriors are not infallible. We must prepare for a Dark Age that could soon be upon us.”

The RamWraith would not hear of this. “We must not subscribe to such philosophies. There is still greatness within this Legion, and it will be the future deeds of the SpiralHorns, not its past, that will determine our fate.”

“You speak the truth, my friend” replied the Separatist leader, “but I fear you are fostering false hope. This, I cannot allow.”

The debate was interrupted by a message from the outer ramparts. The Desert Warriors were marching upon the Homeland, hoping to lay siege upon a Legion that was thought to be decimated by past battles. It was at this time that the SpiralHorn Chieftain, recently silent, finally spoke:

“Enough!” Dez Urbanos cried, “now is not the time for philosophy. We must prepare for battle, as the enemy will soon be upon us!”

And so the SpiralHorns prepared for the onslaught, and as the enemy approached, a feeling of joy rushed over the Legion. The day had finally arrived when the Legion could quench its desire to exorcise the demons of past defeats.

“Let them come!” shouted the warriors of the Legion. For outside the walls of the fortress the battle would be joined, and debates would be put aside. The time of the calm had ended. War had returned.

[|Zach|]

The Book of Spiral Horns A Prophesy of Ram Glory

In the Golden Age of Spiral Horns, an Avenger was born. His name was AvengerRam.

And he spoke to the legions of SpiralHorns and stated:

Behold. The Rams will face many challenges in the time to come.

From across the water a band of pirates garbed in crimson and black will attack . But alas, in the end, their efforts will be for naught.

From the South a team of will come to battle the legions. The battles will be long and hard fought, but in the end a the higher power will be revealed.

And so the legions of SpiralHorn will march on. The marauders from the bay by the great sea, the horsesmen from the high country and from the East, the emerald raptors, and leviathans from from the city that touches the sky and the great river, each will battle the legions. Each will find only the bitter ashes of defeat.

And so, in the end, the legions will face the supreme foe. The dark birds of the night, with their monstrous fortress-like battle lines, will be the only barrier between the legion and its ultimate glory. But, fear not, gentle readers, like all others, the dark birds' fate is sealed at the hands of the legions

And in the end, AvengerRam foretold, the legions of SpiralHorns will rejoice.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

---

[Bob Dole]

Could someone please PM Bob Dole when we get to the part about the bunny and the Holy Hand Grenade?

[Hammock Parties]

Originally Posted by 1BikeBob

Could someone please PM Bob Dole when we get to the part about the bunny and the Holy Hand Grenade?

Skip a bit, brother.

[RealSNR]

BLOODY MURDER!

I cry foul, I say!

This thread is a spinoff of my other Scanlon thread, and I was not given proper credit!

Nail him up, I say!

[chagrin]

Originally Posted by 1BikeBob

Could someone please PM Bob Dole when we get to the part about the bunny and the Holy Hand Grenade?

BOB DOLE....


"And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the , and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"

"Skip a bit, Brother."

"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'

"Right, One...Two...Five"
"Three Sir!"
"Three!"

[Braincase]

From "The Verses of Roystradamus"
Year 2005, Canto 57

"From Syracuse a mighty roar
That displaces the one ejected from the horseless carriage,
He shall surpass the unstable farm lad as well
And his name shall be bellowed from the red seats of the Arrow"

[|Zach|]

Originally Posted by Braincase

From "The Verses of Roystradamus"
Year 2005, Canto 57

"From Syracuse a mighty roar
That displaces the one ejected from the horseless carriage,
He shall surpass the unstable farm lad as well
And his name shall be bellowed from the red seats of the Arrow"

Qutrain....nice.

[teedubya]

Zach killed this thread before it could reach comedy gold. Dammit Zach...

[|Zach|]

Originally Posted by Ali Chi3fs

Zach killed this thread before it could reach comedy gold. Dammit Zach...

Blame the Rams.

[teedubya]

Originally Posted by ZachKC

Blame the Rams.

No! I blame you, and your ill-fated comedic timing. :scorn:

[teedubya]

Chapter 1 Verse 3

The Rich Disciples were jubilant in their rejoices of Scanlon. They rang out his name through the land, converting the masses to the Gospel of the Scanimal.