This years Darwin Awards

[BigRedChief]

As always, competition this year has been keen. The candidates this year are....

9. In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

8. A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

7. Buxton, NC: A man died on a when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug caved in on him. -goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the , on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

6. Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle s hop he was burglarizing onto the floor. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth - to keep his hands free - rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. This one an annual qualifying event: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

4. The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices: 1) His target was H&J Leather & Firearms - a gun shop specializing in handguns; 2) The shop was full of customers (firearms customers); a 9mm GLOCK 17, and the clerk, with a .50 DESERT EAGLE, promptly returned fire, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

3. HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but the window was closed.

2. RUNNER UP: TACOMA, WA. Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The
conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men, apparently still drinking, trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge where Bingham had volunteered to jump, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham pointed out a coil of lineman's cable that laid nearby. One end of the cable was secured around his leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, is that God was watching out for me on that night, there's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was not located.

1. AND THE WINNER Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more th an a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before
the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, suffocating the keeper under 200 pounds of dung. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said stunned Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he laid under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated." If anything, this proves "Shit happens."

[el borracho]

They're all winners. Congrats to all of us.

[Dartgod]

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

1. AND THE WINNER Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more th an a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before
the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, suffocating the keeper under 200 pounds of dung. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said stunned Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he laid under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated." If anything, this proves "Shit happens."

Well, for starters...

Claim: A zookeeper in Paderborn, Germany, was killed when an elephant defecated on him.
Status: False.

http://www.snopes.com/critters/malice/feces.htm

[BigRedChief]

Originally Posted by Dartgod

Well, for starters...

Holy crap doesn't the Darwin award people check out these stories? I'm sticking with the NY Times.

[PastorMikH]

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

4. The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices: 1) His target was H&J Leather & Firearms - a gun shop specializing in handguns; 2) The shop was full of customers (firearms customers); a 9mm GLOCK 17, and the clerk, with a .50 DESERT EAGLE, promptly returned fire, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

Going into a gun store with a 9mm? Might as well use a BB gun. EVERYONE in the store was packing more heat than this guy.

[morphius]

I think there was a guy worthy of nominee during headlines on Leno a couple nights ago, guy had stuck his gun in his waist band when it when off and blew off on of his testicles, when he bent over in pain it caused the gun to go off again blowing off the other.

I swear that dung story has won for like 3 years, something is goofy there.

[OnTheWarpath15]

Originally Posted by morphius

I swear that dung story has won for like 3 years, something is goofy there.

Yeah, I think these may have been recycled. I heard the Elephant one several years ago.

Plus, two of those (#2 and #3) wouldn't count as Darwin Awards because the end result wasn't death.

This is still one of my favorites...again, not eligible because he lived, but good for a laugh.....

http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/walters.asp

[morphius]

Originally Posted by OnTheWarpath58

Yeah, I think these may have been recycled. I heard the Elephant one several years ago.

Plus, two of those (#2 and #3) wouldn't count as Darwin Awards because the end result wasn't death.

This is still one of my favorites...again, not eligible because he lived, but good for a laugh.....

http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/walters.asp

I don't think you have to die, I think all you have to do it make it so that you can no longer add to the gene pool.

[OnTheWarpath15]

From the website.....

http://darwinawards.com/rules/


So how are the Darwin Awards actually determined?

Nominees significantly improve the gene pool by eliminating themselves from the human race in an obviously stupid way. They are self-selected examples of the dangers inherent in a lack of common sense, and all human races, cultures, and socioeconomic groups are eligible to compete. Actual winners must meet the following criteria:

Reproduction
Out of the gene pool: dead or sterile.
Excellence
Astounding misapplication of judgment.
Self-Selection
Cause one's own demise.
Maturity
Capable of sound judgment.
Veracity
The event must be true.

[ What about kids? ]
[ Why so many men? ]

Not a Darwin (but not safe either)
* Whizzing on an electric wire
* Smoking in an oxygen tent
* Being hit by a train or automobile
* Aerosol cans, etc., in the oven
* Climbing into zoo cages
* Falling off precipice while posing or pissing
* Carbon monoxide poisoning
* Most autoerotic deaths
* all too common!

Killing others: The death of innocent bystanders absolutely rules out a Darwin Award. We don't applaud those who take others out of the gene pool, even if they share some DNA in common.
What are they?

The Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives: by eliminating themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chance of long-term survival. In other words, they are cautionary tales about people who kill themselves in really stupid ways, and in doing so, significantly improve the gene pool by eliminating themselves from the human race.

These individuals carry out disastrous plans that any average pre-teen knows are the result of a really bad idea. The single-minded purpose and self-sacrifice of the winners, and the spectacular means by which they snuff themselves, make them candidates for the honor of winning a Darwin Award. The terrorist who mails a letter bomb with insufficient postage deserves to win a Darwin Award when he blows himself up opening the returned package. As does the fisherman who throws a lit stick of dynamite for his faithful golden retriever to fetch and return to him. As do the surfers who celebrate a hurricane by throwing a beachfront party and getting washed out to sea.

Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards represent examples of evolution in action by showing what happens to people who are unable to cope with the basic dangers of the modern world. These ironic tales of fatal misadventure illustrate some of life's most important lessons.

Most of us know instinctively that the words "trust me" and "light this fuse" are a recipe for disaster. We assume that basic common sense eliminates the need for public service announcements such as, "Warning: Coffee is hot!" and "Superman cape does not enable wearer to fly." But the true stories you will read show that common sense is really not so common. No amount of overzealous caution would have helped the man who used household current to electrocute fish in a pond, then waded in to collect his catch without removing the wire. As you'll see, there are even people who need to be told not to peek inside a gas can using a cigarette lighter.

The Darwin Awards are macabre tales that make us laugh while instructing us in the laws of common sense. Consider the man who crawled under the roller coaster guardrail to retrieve his hat. When the next coaster came by, an unfortunate rider broke her leg on his skull. Ouch! From our point of view, the man who lost his head is a Darwin Award winner, and his story is just another episode in the saga of survival of the fittest.

The Darwin Awards can be considered a rusty chromosome award for those who douse the gene pool with chlorine.

[crazycoffey]

Originally Posted by OnTheWarpath58

Yeah, I think these may have been recycled. I heard the Elephant one several years ago.

Plus, two of those (#2 and #3) wouldn't count as Darwin Awards because the end result wasn't death.

This is still one of my favorites...again, not eligible because he lived, but good for a laugh.....

http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/walters.asp

whooooooops

[C-Mac]

Originally Posted by OnTheWarpath58

Yeah, I think these may have been recycled. I heard the Elephant one several years ago.

This is still one of my favorites...again, not eligible because he lived, but good for a laugh.....

http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/walters.asp

[Halfcan]

Originally Posted by C-Mac

I think there is a movie about this on Netflix-it might be some other dumbshit that did the same thing.

I am going to invent a new sport.


Balloon Diving. You use balloons to jet you to 10,000 feet then you cut the rope and freefall for 7000 feet, then pull the chute and glide to earth.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by C-Mac

(Lawn-chair pilot story)

That lawn-chair pilot story is truly one of history's greatest tales of American ingenuity, chutzpah, and stupidity. I remember getting great enjoyment out of it when it happened, and my joy hasn't faded over the years.

[NewChief]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

That lawn-chair pilot story is truly one of history's greatest tales of American ingenuity, chutzpah, and stupidity. I remember getting great enjoyment out of it when it happened, and my joy hasn't faded over the years.

They made a movie about that guy, I think. Actually, after finding it on IMDB, it's just loosely based on the events.
Danny Deckchair

[TrickyNicky]

I'm surprised the lady who died from the water-drinking contest didn't make the list.