A Million Little Pieces

**CosmicPal** · 03-08-2006, 12:18 PM

It's all over. I've finally come clean. All the years, so many years of negative abuse upon myself. It all started with cigarettes. I then took my first hit from a joint at the bus stop. From there, I was smoking weed daily, and then it grew to the point I was smoking weed whenever I could get my hands on it. At the same time, I developed a fascination with popping pills every morning before school- speed, ludes, you name it.

My senior year in high school, I found my new love- alcohol. Drink and drown nights became very popular every Thursday night. How we ever made it home is beyond me. In college- I was drinking, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes, and being introduced to acid and shrooms.

Upon leaving college, I became hooked on coke. Somehow I was able to hold down jobs, but relationships were another thing. Nary a night would go by that I wasn't under the influence of something whether it be pot, alcohol, or coke. I enjoyed being high. It was my place of happiness and peace. I was rarely, rarely an angry drunk. I was always the happy drunk.

A couple of months ago, I snorted my last line of blow. It was an easy choice 'cause I believe I have grown an allergic reaction to blow- I would end up with severe allergies for a couple of weeks upon snorting on any night. About the same time, I smoked my last joint. It just wasn't doing anything for me anymore.

The most difficul thing has always been the willingness to quit drinking and smoking cigarettes. It's been over two weeks now since I've had either. I still have a pack of cigarettes lying on top of my bookshelf. I see it every time I come home. It looks dead- like an abandoned corpse. I have no idea how many cigarettes are in the pack. I just know it's there and I don't want that shit anymore.

I have a bottle of vodka on my desk. I have a case of beer in the fridge. I know they are there, but I don't see them. This is all good. This is really a giant step for me. But, here's the thing: I feel like absolute shit. Every gawddamn organ in my body is wrenching in pain. I can't breathe. I have persistent headaches. I get dizzy spells nearly every day. It *****ing sucks! I know my body must be surprised. For as long as I can recall, I've been putting shit into my body to ***** it up and now I'm all clean and I feel worse than ever.

You don't need to pray for me and I am not sure why I am saying all of this except maybe I need to get it off my chest to somehow make sense of it all. I'm lucky. Very lucky. I haven't killed anyone. I've never been in an accident. I've only *****ed up some relationships and hurt some very good people in the past. I'm not going to AA. I'm not going to any support group. I'm simply sick and tired of living the way I had been for so long. I don't feel free, and I may never feel free. But, I do know this- I'm going to be *****ing clean for some time. And that's the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time.

Peace out.

Hammock Parties · 03-08-2006, 12:24 PM

So, this was YOUR house? I guess you learned your lesson the hard way.

http://tinyurl.com/o8z59

wutamess · 03-08-2006, 12:27 PM

Well good luck with it all.
Can you please follow up & let us know if you lapse or how long you've been completely "free"?

Once again... good luck and congrats.

NewChief · 03-08-2006, 12:30 PM

Whatever. We'll soon find out that you're actually a transvestite nun living in cloister in Siberia and this is all just a way for you to make a buck and live out a few fantasies. Fool me once Mr. Frey...fool me. Fool me twice and...well you know what they say....fool me twice and...can't get fooled twice.

**cdcox** · 03-08-2006, 12:33 PM

Good luck, Cosmic. I was laughing at your body's reaction to your new lifestyle in your 2nd to last paragraph, but the last one showed me how much sobering up means to you. Sounds like you've come a huge distance already. I'm pulling for you.

Brock · 03-08-2006, 12:36 PM

I have always been told it's one day at a time. Sweet Jesus.

Good luck.

Mr. Laz · 03-08-2006, 12:37 PM

the pain is your body healing itself...

surprising how the thought that pain is a GOOD thing.

gotta push through it ... keep pushing

NewChief · 03-08-2006, 12:40 PM

As for a serious post:

Good luck with this. Start working out more. Give it some time and your body will start to feel better. I remember the quitting smoking. There really is a patch there where it gets much, much worse. My throat was always itchy and sore, my allergies were worse, I felt like I had the flu all the time. That lasted for probably a month, then one day it went away and I started to feel better.

Good luck and keep at it!

03-08-2006, 12:42 PM

Outstanding, Cosmic. Your body will thank you in the long run. I don't have much experience in what you're facing but I've quit tobacco. I know that's difficult enough so I admire you recognizing a problem and dealing with it. Best of luck, man. Remember you have to replace those habits with something productive.

**Reaper16** · 03-08-2006, 12:43 PM

Good luck; it's an admirable task.

I know I wish my father could sack up and do the very thing you're doing. He's set an example that made me decide to not even start with any of it, even cigs and alcohol, ever.

kregger · 03-08-2006, 12:50 PM

Sounds like you've hit the proverbial "rock bottom". Good for you to tackle this on your own terms. I wish you all the luck on your cold turkey program. Hopefully those that are close to you will support your endeavor.

**Bwana** · 03-08-2006, 12:58 PM

Way to sack up and make a positive choice for yourself. Hang in there, it will be worth it.

**CosmicPal** · 03-08-2006, 01:09 PM

Thanks for the support.

I sincerely appreciate it. Really.

I did read "A Million Little Pieces" several months ago, long before the media hype, and have been thinking about my own life ever since. Frey has been lambasted by the media, but he has one thing right- You have to go it alone. That book could have been written about me.

But, the fact of the matter is- I'm simply sick and tired of it all. I'm not enjoying the very things I love like golfing, skiing, hiking, swimming, and the adventurous lifestyle I had before I was so consumed by my addictions. The realization that I'm missing out on the things I love most is the reason I've quit. Besides, you soon realize the friends you thought you had weren't really friends at all. They just needed someone to party with.

I will replace my addictions with another adventure: taking up golf again, going on a long hike in the mountains with my dog, hitting the gym in preparation for next winter's ski season. My life is coming back to me, one day at a time.

**CosmicPal** · 03-08-2006, 01:14 PM

The other thing too- addictions require money. It's not that I've never had money, it's just that all of my money went to support my addictions.

Should I stay clean, I am going to reward myself with a couple of trips this summer- and one of them will be to Chiefs Training Camp: A few days of fishing, football, golf, and hiking. I wanted to do it last year, but like anything else- I could never save up the money 'cause it always went to drugs and alcohol.

Amnorix · 03-08-2006, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CosmicPal

The other thing too- addictions require money. It's not that I've never had money, it's just that all of my money went to support my addictions.

Should I stay clean, I am going to reward myself with a couple of trips this summer- and one of them will be to Chiefs Training Camp: A few days of fishing, football, golf, and hiking. I wanted to do it last year, but like anything else- I could never save up the money 'cause it always went to drugs and alcohol.

Gah! Beat me by 2 minutes on the money thing!!

03-08-2006, 12:18 PM	Topic Starter
CosmicPal Learn it. Know it. Live it. Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: St. Petersburg, FL Casino cash: $10004900	A Million Little Pieces It's all over. I've finally come clean. All the years, so many years of negative abuse upon myself. It all started with cigarettes. I then took my first hit from a joint at the bus stop. From there, I was smoking weed daily, and then it grew to the point I was smoking weed whenever I could get my hands on it. At the same time, I developed a fascination with popping pills every morning before school- speed, ludes, you name it. My senior year in high school, I found my new love- alcohol. Drink and drown nights became very popular every Thursday night. How we ever made it home is beyond me. In college- I was drinking, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes, and being introduced to acid and shrooms. Upon leaving college, I became hooked on coke. Somehow I was able to hold down jobs, but relationships were another thing. Nary a night would go by that I wasn't under the influence of something whether it be pot, alcohol, or coke. I enjoyed being high. It was my place of happiness and peace. I was rarely, rarely an angry drunk. I was always the happy drunk. A couple of months ago, I snorted my last line of blow. It was an easy choice 'cause I believe I have grown an allergic reaction to blow- I would end up with severe allergies for a couple of weeks upon snorting on any night. About the same time, I smoked my last joint. It just wasn't doing anything for me anymore. The most difficul thing has always been the willingness to quit drinking and smoking cigarettes. It's been over two weeks now since I've had either. I still have a pack of cigarettes lying on top of my bookshelf. I see it every time I come home. It looks dead- like an abandoned corpse. I have no idea how many cigarettes are in the pack. I just know it's there and I don't want that shit anymore. I have a bottle of vodka on my desk. I have a case of beer in the fridge. I know they are there, but I don't see them. This is all good. This is really a giant step for me. But, here's the thing: I feel like absolute shit. Every gawddamn organ in my body is wrenching in pain. I can't breathe. I have persistent headaches. I get dizzy spells nearly every day. It ***ing sucks! I know my body must be surprised. For as long as I can recall, I've been putting shit into my body to * it up and now I'm all clean and I feel worse than ever. You don't need to pray for me and I am not sure why I am saying all of this except maybe I need to get it off my chest to somehow make sense of it all. I'm lucky. Very lucky. I haven't killed anyone. I've never been in an accident. I've only *ed up some relationships and hurt some very good people in the past. I'm not going to AA. I'm not going to any support group. I'm simply sick and tired of living the way I had been for so long. I don't feel free, and I may never feel free. But, I do know this- I'm going to be ***ing clean for some time. And that's the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time. Peace out.
Posts: 10,840

03-08-2006, 12:24 PM	#2
Hammock Parties I'll be back. Join Date: Nov 2002 Casino cash: $860478	So, this was YOUR house? I guess you learned your lesson the hard way. http://tinyurl.com/o8z59 __________________ Chiefs game films
Posts: 297,236

03-08-2006, 12:27 PM	#3
wutamess MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $4711637	Well good luck with it all. Can you please follow up & let us know if you lapse or how long you've been completely "free"? Once again... good luck and congrats.
Posts: 8,290

03-08-2006, 12:30 PM	#4
NewChief In Search of a Life Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Fayetteville, AR Casino cash: $7200204	Whatever. We'll soon find out that you're actually a transvestite nun living in cloister in Siberia and this is all just a way for you to make a buck and live out a few fantasies. Fool me once Mr. Frey...fool me. Fool me twice and...well you know what they say....fool me twice and...can't get fooled twice. __________________ In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - H. L. Mencken
Posts: 21,845

03-08-2006, 12:33 PM	#5
cdcox www.nfl-forecast.com Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $-548231	Good luck, Cosmic. I was laughing at your body's reaction to your new lifestyle in your 2nd to last paragraph, but the last one showed me how much sobering up means to you. Sounds like you've come a huge distance already. I'm pulling for you.
Posts: 46,032

03-08-2006, 12:36 PM	#6
Brock Say hello to my little friend Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Larryville Casino cash: $9598422	I have always been told it's one day at a time. Sweet Jesus. Good luck.
Posts: 47,314

03-08-2006, 12:37 PM	#7
Mr. Laz Don't Tease Me Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: KS Casino cash: $11047037	the pain is your body healing itself... surprising how the thought that pain is a GOOD thing. gotta push through it ... keep pushing __________________ Last edited by Mr. Laz; 03-08-2006 at 12:59 PM..
Posts: 95,626

03-08-2006, 12:40 PM	#8
NewChief In Search of a Life Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Fayetteville, AR Casino cash: $7200204	As for a serious post: Good luck with this. Start working out more. Give it some time and your body will start to feel better. I remember the quitting smoking. There really is a patch there where it gets much, much worse. My throat was always itchy and sore, my allergies were worse, I felt like I had the flu all the time. That lasted for probably a month, then one day it went away and I started to feel better. Good luck and keep at it! __________________ In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - H. L. Mencken
Posts: 21,845

03-08-2006, 12:42 PM	#9
Phobia Guest Casino cash: $	Outstanding, Cosmic. Your body will thank you in the long run. I don't have much experience in what you're facing but I've quit tobacco. I know that's difficult enough so I admire you recognizing a problem and dealing with it. Best of luck, man. Remember you have to replace those habits with something productive.
Posts: n/a

03-08-2006, 12:50 PM	#11
kregger thick as a brick Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: alpha centauri Casino cash: $10004925	Sounds like you've hit the proverbial "rock bottom". Good for you to tackle this on your own terms. I wish you all the luck on your cold turkey program. Hopefully those that are close to you will support your endeavor.
Posts: 964

03-08-2006, 12:58 PM	#12
Bwana It's Five O'Clock Somewhere Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Billings, Montana Casino cash: $2135893647	Way to sack up and make a positive choice for yourself. Hang in there, it will be worth it. __________________ Adventure is dangerous....but monotony can kill you.
Posts: 70,486

03-08-2006, 01:09 PM	#13
CosmicPal Learn it. Know it. Live it. Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: St. Petersburg, FL Casino cash: $10004900	Thanks for the support. I sincerely appreciate it. Really. I did read "A Million Little Pieces" several months ago, long before the media hype, and have been thinking about my own life ever since. Frey has been lambasted by the media, but he has one thing right- You have to go it alone. That book could have been written about me. But, the fact of the matter is- I'm simply sick and tired of it all. I'm not enjoying the very things I love like golfing, skiing, hiking, swimming, and the adventurous lifestyle I had before I was so consumed by my addictions. The realization that I'm missing out on the things I love most is the reason I've quit. Besides, you soon realize the friends you thought you had weren't really friends at all. They just needed someone to party with. I will replace my addictions with another adventure: taking up golf again, going on a long hike in the mountains with my dog, hitting the gym in preparation for next winter's ski season. My life is coming back to me, one day at a time. __________________ - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - Four blessings upon my fellow planeteers: Older whiskey, younger women, faster horses, and more money.
Posts: 10,840

03-08-2006, 01:14 PM	#14
CosmicPal Learn it. Know it. Live it. Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: St. Petersburg, FL Casino cash: $10004900	The other thing too- addictions require money. It's not that I've never had money, it's just that all of my money went to support my addictions. Should I stay clean, I am going to reward myself with a couple of trips this summer- and one of them will be to Chiefs Training Camp: A few days of fishing, football, golf, and hiking. I wanted to do it last year, but like anything else- I could never save up the money 'cause it always went to drugs and alcohol. __________________ - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - Four blessings upon my fellow planeteers: Older whiskey, younger women, faster horses, and more money.
Posts: 10,840