Torture Devices Through The Ages

[FAX]

After having listened to several of Herm's press conferences and read through many of the pro-Captain Checkdown and Raider fan posts this week, my thoughts turned to torture.

It was in this frame of mind that I commissioned my crack team of spider monkeys to research some of the all time, number one, best-of-breed torture devices so that I might share this information with my fellow Planeteers.

So, with no further ado, agony, or torment, I present to you this thread which I lovingly call, "Torture Devices Through The Ages".

FAX

Disclaimers: Sorry if re-post. Sorry if pillary-post.

[FAX]

The Breast Ripper (Ms. Meme’s Revenge)



This item was used both as a punitive and an interrogational device. Punitively, it was used red-hot to mark the breast of unmarried mothers. It was often used on condemned women convicted of heresy, blasphemy, adultery, self-induced abortion, erotic white magic and any other crime that the inquisitors selected. The claws were used, either cold or heated, on a female's exposed breasts - rendering them into bloody pulps.

Sometimes, the victim's breasts were fixed to the claws and the woman was pulled by the torturer away from the wall; successfully removing them. Nevertheless, I don’t think this will help with our Chinese problem.

FAX

[FAX]

The Ear Chopper AKA The Shannon Sharper



Used as an efficient way to cut the ears from the victim. The helmet was placed on the head; the ears sticking out just under the blades. All it took was a quick chop and the ears would be amputated.

Also used as a torture device - just the idea that the ears would be removed may have been enough to sponsor a confession or, if the victim had listened to Shannon or for more than 5 minutes, a plea for speed.

FAX

[FAX]

The Knee Splitter (or Donkey Lineman)



This device was used to permanently destroy the larger joints of a victim - the limb placed between the teeth and the screws slowly tightened.

Of course, the Knee Splitter could also be used to crush any joint that could comfortably (or uncomfortably) between its teeth.

FAX

[FAX]

Pear Of Anguish AKA Mr. Iowanian’s Cooter Rooter



This hideously cruel device was made of four 'leaves' which joined together by a hinge at the top. A screw inserted between the leaves could be turned to slowly separate the four lobes of the 'pear', expanding the orifice into which it had been inserted. The torturer could choose whether to simply distend the cavity, or expand the pear to it's absolute maximum and mutilate the prisoner.

The orifice which was on the receiving end of the pear was symbolic of the offense - heretics received the oral pear, passive male homosexuals received the anal pear, and women who had intercourse with Satan were in receipt of the vaginal pear.

FAX

[FAX]

The Heretic’s Fork AKA Hootie Tynes



This instrument was made of two forks, one set against the other. The head was tilted back sharply, with the top two prongs embedded deeply under the flesh of the chin; the bottom two prongs likewise embedded into the flesh above the sternum. The leather strap was fastened tightly behind the neck.

The strap supported the instrument to prevent any movement of the victim. The forks did not penetrate into vital points, prolonging great suffering before death - much like Damon Huard’s career.

FAX

[L.A. Chieffan]

Originally Posted by FAX

Pear Of Anguish AKA Mr. Iowanian’s Cooter Rooter



This hideously cruel device was made of four 'leaves' which joined together by a hinge at the top. A screw inserted between the leaves could be turned to slowly separate the four lobes of the 'pear', expanding the orifice into which it had been inserted. The torturer could choose whether to simply distend the cavity, or expand the pear to it's absolute maximum and mutilate the prisoner.

The orifice which was on the receiving end of the pear was symbolic of the offense - heretics received the oral pear, passive male homosexuals received the anal pear, and women who had intercourse with Satan were in receipt of the vaginal pear.

FAX

That's ****ed up

[Halfcan]

Just watching the Chiefs every year is torture.

[L.A. Chieffan]

"The Wife"

[Chan93lx50]

Gives new meaning to Nuthooks!

[FAX]

Originally Posted by Chan93lx50

Gives new meaning to Nuthooks!

Unfortunately, my crack team of spider monkeys looked all over and couldn't find one of those, Mr. Chan93lx50.

FAX

[FAX]

The Tongue Tearer (or The Carl Peterson er)



A heretic or blasphemer was bound, his or her mouth forced open with the Mouth Opener. Next, the iron Tongue Tearer was produced, used to grab the most likely uncomfortably twitching tongue within it's rough grippers. Once a firm hold was maintained, the screw could be firmly tightened and the tongue was roughly torn from the prisoner's head.

Some versions of the Tongue Tearer contained staggered teeth much like pinking shears which shredded the tongue into ribbons.

FAX

[BigMeatballDave]

Isn't being a Chiefs fan torture enough?

[Rain Man]

I wonder if any torture has ever involved a spider team of crack monkeys.

[FAX]

The Judas Cradle (or Mr. Mecca Chiefs Cheer)



The anus, in the vagina, under the scrotum or beneath the coccyx is where the peak of this wooden pyramid found itself. A metal belt was wrapped around the victim and then he or she was hoisted atop the point of the pyramid. The torturer could modify the pressure upon their tender areas by raising or lowering the victim.

FAX