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Old 11-19-2012, 12:36 PM   Topic Starter
tooge tooge is offline
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need advice with family issue

Ok, so about 4 weeks ago, I get a call from my mom. she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house. I applaud her, tell her I'm there for her, call him and let him know that I am aware of what has been going on, and as far as I'm concerned, he is out permenantly. My mother on the other hand, said things like "if he gets therapy and goes to AA, maybe I'll start by dating him again". She told me that he told her that my father never loved her or us kids. That's when it became personal for me. So I call jackass up, ask if all this is true, he beats around the bush, but eventually fesses up under the guise of too much drinking and some anger management issues. He promises he will get help but just loves my mom. I tell him I'm only 2.5 hours away and wont hesitate to come up there to make sure she is OK. I even let him know, I'm not afraid of a few nights in jail.

So, yesterday, I get home from a weeklong vacation. I call my brother, who my family will be staying with when we go up for Thanksgiving. Through casual conversation, I find out that jackass is back in my mothers house, and plans on being there for Thanksgiving.

I call my mother, she says he's trying very hard and if he screws up, he is out. He has been to a counselor once since this, and no AA meetings or anygthing like that, though he is reportedly on "medication" now.

I told my mother that I'm not comfortable taking my children up there, and since I wasn't the one that made the situation what it is, then perhaps he could leave the house for the day while we are there. She refused, so I said **** it then, we aren't coming. She gets all pissy and tells me all the things she did for me as a mother and I should come up for her. I'm not going on principal, not to mention, I'd be uncomfortable and might even get in the guys face. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just eat my principles, and go and be a good little son and sit there and act nice? What say you Dr. CP?
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:37 PM   #2
Old Dog Old Dog is offline
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Stick to your guns
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:40 PM   #3
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Stick to your guns
This.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:38 PM   #4
Dicky McElephant Dicky McElephant is offline
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I wouldn't go. **** that.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:43 PM   #5
seclark seclark is offline
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sounds fair to me.
she's making her choices...you're making yours. no since in going somewhere for a holiday where you already know it's going to be a shitty time.
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Old 11-19-2012, 01:15 PM   #6
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Stick to your guns
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I wouldn't go. **** that.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:40 PM   #7
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Have sex with him at Thanksgiving with the door UNLOCKED (vital). When your mom walks in on you two going at it she'll want nothing more to do with him.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:41 PM   #8
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Tell her all the wonderful things she did for you as a mother are the reasons you will not be going.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:42 PM   #9
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It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:51 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man View Post
It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.
This.

Showing respect to your mom is also respecting your principles.
Lack of self control or allowing him to get between you and your mom would not be respecting your principles.
You can always excuse yourself and just leave if an issue arises.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:56 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man View Post
It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.
I like this approach best of the ones posted so far. As long as your mother wants him there, I don't know why you (tooge, not Rain Man) think it's a good thing to put her in a position of having to choose between the two of you.
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Old 11-19-2012, 01:00 PM   #12
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
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I like this approach best of the ones posted so far. As long as your mother wants him there, I don't know why you (tooge, not Rain Man) think it's a good thing to put her in a position of having to choose between the two of you.
Because she is going to HAVE to choose.

We're not talking about love, we're talking about ABUSE.

There is no "choice" here.
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Old 11-19-2012, 01:24 PM   #13
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Because she is going to HAVE to choose.

We're not talking about love, we're talking about ABUSE.

There is no "choice" here.
That's a pretty patronizing position to take. We're talking about the word "abuse" (actually "verbal abuse") but you don't have any idea what that means (and neither do I), so let's not go off half-cocked. I suspect that tooge's mom is old enough to make her own relationship decisions.

I think it's good that this guy knows that tooge is aware of whatever it is that his mother has told him, but I don't see what good it does for tooge to take a harder line than his mother does at this point unless his goal is to cause his mother grief.
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Old 11-19-2012, 01:37 PM   #14
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
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That's a pretty patronizing position to take. We're talking about the word "abuse" (actually "verbal abuse") but you don't have any idea what that means (and neither do I), so let's not go off half-cocked. I suspect that tooge's mom is old enough to make her own relationship decisions.

I think it's good that this guy knows that tooge is aware of whatever it is that his mother has told him, but I don't see what good it does for tooge to take a harder line than his mother does at this point unless his goal is to cause his mother grief.
So your suggesting that he appease her and allow it to continue to happen, even though he doesn't approve?

I'm guessing his MOTHER raised him better than that.
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Old 11-19-2012, 01:03 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by patteeu View Post
I like this approach best of the ones posted so far. As long as your mother wants him there, I don't know why you (tooge, not Rain Man) think it's a good thing to put her in a position of having to choose between the two of you.
Well, I don't trust him, and I'm not the one that caused all of this, so why should I have to "choose" to go and be uncomfortable just to be at thanksgiving for my mom. The guy knows how I feel, and if I were him, I'd stay away for a day or two and give the rest of us some time. Of course, I don't beat women either.
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