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View Poll Results: He's coming up the stairs. What do you do?
I hide at the top of the stairs and stab him with the Bowie knife with the element of surprise. 7 13.21%
I hide at the top of the stairs and bonk him in the face with the baseball bat with the element of surprise. 28 52.83%
I hide at the top of the stairs without a weapon and attempt to shove him down the stairs with the element of surprise. 1 1.89%
I stand 12 feet back in the room with the Bowie knife, ready to hold my ground and scare him off or capture him. 1 1.89%
I stand 12 feet back in the room with the baseball bat, ready to hold my ground and scare him off or capture him. 1 1.89%
I stand 12 feet back in the room with the fake shotgun, ready to hold my ground and scare him off or capture him. 1 1.89%
I stand 12 feet back in the room unarmed, ready to hold my ground and scare him off or capture him or reason with him. 0 0%
I go to the top of the stairs with the Bowie knife, and announce that I am holding my ground. 1 1.89%
I go to the top of the stairs with the baseball bat, and announce that I am holding my ground. 4 7.55%
I go to the top of the stairs with the fake shotgun, and announce that I am holding my ground. 1 1.89%
I go to the top of the stairs unarmed, and announce that I am holding my ground as a martial arts expert and former Army Ranger. 0 0%
I take the Bowie knife and hide in the closet hoping to avoid a confrontation. 0 0%
I take the baseball bat and hide in the closet hoping to avoid a confrontation. 0 0%
I take the fake shotgun and hide in the closet hoping to avoid a confrontation. 0 0%
I hide in the closet unarmed hoping to avoid a confrontation. 0 0%
I jump out the window to escape. 3 5.66%
I break into a song and dance with the intent to mesmerize him until I can make my escape. 2 3.77%
I stab myself with the Bowie knife so the idiot will get put away for murder. 3 5.66%
Voters: 53. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 08-22-2013, 10:34 PM   Topic Starter
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Hypothetical: An Intruder In Your Home

Here's the scenario.

After a long day at work, you come home to your tastefully appointed two-story suburban home. As you pull into the garage, you notice that your neighbors are home on both sides, and silently say thanks for your large yard since one of them is hard of hearing and has a Matlock rerun turned up at full volume, and the other is having another one of those weird parties where everyone shows up in leather and big stuffed animal costumes. But they're far enough away that you won't notice anything once you're inside.

Your significant other and any kids are out of town at a luge convention, so you have the house to yourself. You eat ribs and baked beans over the sink, play angry birds until your phone dies, and leave it in the living room to charge.

You watch a couple of old episodes of M*A*S*H (including one where Alan Alda talks about how senseless war is), and then decide to go upstairs to bed. You wander up, forgetting your phone, and brush your teeth.

You're just about to take off your shoes, and you hear a noise. A crash of broken glass. Then some scrabbling noises and there are footsteps downstairs. It's obvious that someone has broken in.

Ping!

You hear the distinctive sound of an aluminum baseball bat, followed by the sound of broken glass. Then again. And again. You hear drawers opening and closing. You hear a male voice muttering, "No one keeps cash in their house any more," and then hear the distinctive multi-dish crash of your china cabinet being pulled over.

You look around the room, and have the following weapons at your disposal.

- An 8-inch authentic bowie knife that you got during your vacation at the Alamo last year.

- A 28-inch wood baseball bat that you used to drive in the tying run in 8th grade Little League.

- A non-working but realistic-looking replica shotgun that you got on Home Shopping Network's "Tribute to Elmer Fudd" night.

You only have time to grab one weapon since they're all in display mounts on the wall.

You have no gun because your significant other is convinced that if you had a son he would look like Trayvon, and offered you a night that you could not refuse if you would take it to the police station and trade it in for tickets to the upcoming luge convention.

You hear footsteps coming up the stairs. The way the stairs are situated, you can hide behind a corner and get the element of surprise at close range just as the intruder reaches the top of the stairs, or you can stand in the middle of the room and have a 12-foot distance before the person comes into view. If you run toward the stairs, he'll be six steps from the top by the time you arrive.

Once the intruder comes up the stairs, you and he will be in the same room since your house has an open loft-style second floor. There's a closet in the room, and the only furniture is a futon and a couple of spartan Japanese stacking chests.

There is also a window that is open. A jump out the window will lead to a 12-foot fall onto a patio that will almost certainly break a leg but will not be fatal.

Thump. Thump. Thump. The footsteps are coming up the stairs.

What do you do? Assume that you are not a superhero or a ninja, and that you are merely yourself.

Poll coming.
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Old 08-22-2013, 10:38 PM   #2
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Initial thought is to use the Elmer Fudd shotgun as part club/part fake gun.
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Old 08-22-2013, 10:41 PM   #3
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Old 08-22-2013, 10:43 PM   #4
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My home alarm went off at 4:00 am last night. Only me and Labs were home. They didn't bark so I was fairly certain that no one broke in but I was still rattled. So I got dressed, took the dogs downstairs, sent them outside and they found nothing.

I don't know what I would have done had someone broke in but I know that I had the advantage because an intruder would have just climbed over two seven foot tall gates up 40 stairs, and I had two dogs and knives within reach.
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Old 08-22-2013, 10:45 PM   #5
Baconeater Baconeater is offline
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I've always wanted an open style 2nd floor loft. You can't get that in a shipping container home.
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Old 08-22-2013, 10:54 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bugeater View Post
I've always wanted an open style 2nd floor loft.
Me too.
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Old 08-22-2013, 11:00 PM   #7
ThaVirus ThaVirus is offline
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Grab the shotgun and head for the top of the stairs to let the douche know I mean business.

Even if it's fake, he doesn't know that. Surely no one is dumb enough to try and run through a shotgun shell.
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Old 08-22-2013, 11:21 PM   #8
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DEPENDS: Was Hawkeye bunking with Frank Burns or Charles Emerson Winchester III?

Last edited by T-post Tom; 08-23-2013 at 12:13 AM..
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Old 08-23-2013, 12:13 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by T-post Tom View Post
Was Hawkeye bunking with Frank Burns or Charles Emerson Winchester III?
One of each. The one where Winchester had the record player and the one where Burns temporarily ran the camp.
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Old 08-23-2013, 12:56 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man View Post
One of each. The one where Winchester had the record player and the one where Burns temporarily ran the camp.
Well that simplifies things. The following list would be quickly done, employing my sub 4.4 40 yd dash speed.

1. Unplug bedroom lamp. Cut the cord off with the bowie knife; making sure that a good inch of wire was exposed at the non-plug end .

2. Cut a hole in the bottom of one of the Japanese stacking boxes. (Sorry this is so obvious.)

3. Snake exposed end of cord thru hole in Japanese stacking box. Place box next to bathroom sink (with lid on).

4. Using the organic toothpaste, write "cash" on lid of altered Japanese stacking box.

5. Plug cord into the GFI circuit near the bathroom sink.

6. Carefully create big puddle of water on the floor in front of sink w/o touching the electrified Japanese stacking box.

7. Leave electric toothbrush on and place the working toothbrush on the back of the toilet tank. This will be loud enough to garner the intruder's attention.

8. Go back to bedroom.

9. Construct a proper mace from the bat and knife. (Duct tape in nightstand. Left over from "date night" with the SO.)

10. Hide behind bedroom door with newly fashioned medieval weapon.

11. Be quiet.

12. Wait for intruder to investigate noise in bathroom.

13. Wait for intruder to see the "cash" box in bathroom and unwittingly move into the puddle of water to investigate the found treasure.

14. Wait for intruder to greedily open "cash" box and get the shock of his life.

15. Bum rush "shocked" intruder and disembowel him with mace.

16. Return to living room to watch M*A*S*H episode where Harry Morgan plays the crazy General Steele.


Last edited by T-post Tom; 08-23-2013 at 01:07 AM..
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Old 08-22-2013, 11:24 PM   #11
CrazyPhuD CrazyPhuD is offline
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Where's the option to use the pent up gas from chilli at dinner to rip one so big it blows the doors off the house and gasses any intruder into oblivion?
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Old 08-23-2013, 09:53 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrazyPhuD View Post
Where's the option to use the pent up gas from chilli at dinner to rip one so big it blows the doors off the house and gasses any intruder into oblivion?
My 13yo Labrador can handle that without the chili. I'd call 911 and have them dispatch, then hit the MF with a ball bat
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Old 08-22-2013, 11:29 PM   #13
CrazyPhuD CrazyPhuD is offline
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Or where's the 'Chill out in the rec-room' option????

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CrazyPhuD threw an interception on a screen pass.CrazyPhuD threw an interception on a screen pass.CrazyPhuD threw an interception on a screen pass.CrazyPhuD threw an interception on a screen pass.CrazyPhuD threw an interception on a screen pass.CrazyPhuD threw an interception on a screen pass.CrazyPhuD threw an interception on a screen pass.CrazyPhuD threw an interception on a screen pass.CrazyPhuD threw an interception on a screen pass.CrazyPhuD threw an interception on a screen pass.CrazyPhuD threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 08-22-2013, 11:31 PM   #14
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The lack of Loki themed options are somewhat upsetting.
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Old 08-22-2013, 11:33 PM   #15
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