Official 2015 Why your team sucks thread

[PunkinDrublic]

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tampa Bay Buccaneers


Drew Magary
Filed to: Why your team sucks 2015 7/20/15 3:15pm

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Some people are fans of the Tampa Bay Bucs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tampa Bay Bucs. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Tampa Bay Bucs

Your 2014 record: 2-14. And yet 2-14 doesn’t even begin to hint at how abysmal the Bucs were last season. This is the team that spotted a 6-10 Atlanta team a 56-0 lead after just three quarters, inspiring many stadium dick-pats in the process. They also managed to lose to the Rams after a Mike Evans injury resulted in a 10-second runoff of the clock. That’s life under Lovie Smith for you. You don’t even get the pleasure of seeing your team **** up at the end of a game, because they **** up BEFORE that ****up, and squander the chance to **** up that ****up, and then they lose.

Also, a Bengals fan punched one of your fans right into the street. A Bengals fan! You know how weak and slow Bengals fans are? That’s like getting punched out by a dying Labrador.

Your coach: Lovie Smith. There are certain head coaches who make for disastrous retreads, and Lovie Smith is one of them. We all think of Rich Kotite as a walking punchline, but Rich Kotite went 36-28 as head coach of the Eagles before he burned the Jets to the ground. It took that second job for his true shittiness to be laid bare. That’s where Lovie Smith is right now. He’s right in the Mooch Zone. Five months from now, when he staggers out of Tampa with five total wins to his name, people will ask, “How the **** did THAT guy take a team to a Super Bowl?” And there will be no good answer. They’re gonna resurrect those shitty Coors Light press conference ads just for the moment Lovie gets shitcanned. I can wait.

Your quarterback: **** HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY! Congratulations, Tampa! You just won yourself 10 years of getting defensive whenever someone mentions collegiate rape accusations! I think you’ll be impressed by how seamlessly FSU Twitter morphs into Bucs Twitter. You won’t even realize what’s happened until you’ve got yourself an egg avatar and you’re beefing with everyone in sight. “This girl can’t keep her story straight GET THE FACTS!” It’s fun! And all for this guy …

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Never gets old. It’s the Buttfumble of college football lore. Remember: Jameis Winston threw 18 picks last year. Imagine sitting in a war room and saying to yourself, “Well, he threw 18 picks last year in an abominable conference. And he derped all over the Rose Bowl. And he stole crab legs. And he got suspended for doing the Tosh Serenade at the school cafeteria. And every other NFL fan will root for him to fail. And he may have raped a woman. And he couldn’t even show his face at the ****ing draft because he knew he’d be booed for possibly raping a woman. LET’S TAKE HIM FIRST.”

The most amazing thing is that the Bucs, like every authoritative body at FSU, were covering for Jameis even BEFORE they were stupid enough to draft him. They had to lay an intricate groundwork of rose-colored bullshit:

“To me, I think he’s told us an awful lot with how he’s handled it,” Smith said. “It’s not like he’s getting ready to go into the NFL and scrutiny is coming his way.”

Yes! In that way, I’m GLAD he was accused of rape! Really steels you for the rigors of pro football. If only EVERY prospect were accused of rape. It’s the Oklahoma Drill of legal entanglements. TOUGHENS THE BODY AND THE MIND.

Of course, now that the Bucs have procured Winston, they’re taking it one step further by trying to change the narrative and paint him as some kind of mutant football savant. He’s a sponge! He studies a lot! They aren’t using training wheels! His football IQ is wayyyy higher than his criminal IQ! Essentially, they’re telling you that his football output will be so good that you will have no choice but to put the rest of Jameis’ baggage out of your mind. Not only is this cynical—even craven—but it could also all be a pack of lies. Let’s see that gif one more time…

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

That’s against Oregon, mind you. Oregon doesn’t even play defense. Don’t try to sell me on this lumbering turnover machine before I’ve seen his fat ass play a single down. **** you for openly trying to polish that turd in front of America.

What’s new that sucks: Apart from all that? Nothing much, really. Oh, wait! WARREN SAPP WON’T STOP BITING WOMEN. And pulling an Al Haynesworth on them to boot (no pun intended). Boy, this franchise really knows how to pick winners. Can’t we take away their Super Bowl victory? They only won it because Oakland was literally too stupid to change their audibles.

Also: former kicker Lawrence Tynes sued the team for giving him leprosy. And the team was forced to start paying employees after the Tampa Bay Times found out they were using unpaid homeless people to sell beer, a scheme that would make Sepp Blatter cream his fondue in excitement. And get excited for the team’s new RV lot! Yes, that’s right: the Bucs have finally catered to their core demographic of nomadic NASCAR white trash. They may well put an infield at the 50-yard line so that Jethro and his kin and set up their tailgate. Bring back the mobile strip club! That was still the best thing ever about Bucs football.

Oh, were you wondering about what’s happening on-the-field shit? Well, it’s the Bucs, so they’re still ****ing terrible. Unless you count the addition of Bruce Carter and the immortal CHRIS CONTE as some kind of defensive masterstroke (it is not). They’re still the Bucs, and they are still a living blood clot on your television screen. And their defensive backfield still handles receivers about as well as they handle contraband fireworks.

Also, Doug Martin sucks now. He doesn’t even like being called the Muscle Hamster anymore, so he is both shitty AND humorless. He makes me sad. Maybe Jameis Winston will trip over him and make me feel better.

What has always sucked: The alarm clock unis are back! The time is always BUCS P.M.!

What might not suck: Mike Evans! Holy shit, Mike Evans is a beast. He’s gonna make Jameis look good, and it’s gonna be such a letdown. I want Jameis to go 0-16, but he can just chuck the ball 30 yards down the field and Evans will probably catch it while standing on the shoulders of the man covering him. Don’t **** with Mike Evans.

Hear it from Bucs fans!

Anthony:

Our team trainer once cut the tip of Alvin Harper’s finger off.

Chris:

The Bucs suck because we have gone from Raheem Morris to Greg Schiano to Lovie Smith and somehow GOT WORSE.

We had the first pick for the first time in forever (despite always being awful) and we spent it on a talented risk recently accused of rape who is about to go through a massive distraction of a civil trial.

Our best player is a HOF-caliber defensive tackle who nobody knows because in his 5 years in the league the team has combined to win like 12 games.

Every game you go to feels like it is on the surface of the sun and you are likely going to sit next to a Bud Light soaked hick who is one Bucs turnover away from screaming a racial slur.

Greg:

I cannot think of a worse combination of traits than the average human attending games at Raymond James. The demo is the intersection of the venn diagram of Southern white-trash, Beachy white-trash and typical NFL fan white-trash.

Brad Johnson is the best quarterback in franchise history.

Last year there was a QB controversy between Josh McCown and Mike Glennon. They fixed that issue by drafting the accused rapist from upstate with a creepy smile.

Ryan:

Five short years ago, I watched in person as the Bucs mudholed Seattle behind Josh Freeman’s 5 glorious TD passes that put them squarely in playoff contention at 9-6 with one game left. I thought, “Damn, they might just be legit.”. They went 10-6 and lost the wild card tiebreaker to eventual Super Bowl champ Green Bay.

Since then, they’ve gone 17-47. The Seahawks have gone 43-21 and won a Super Bowl. **** the Bucs.

Craig:

#Itsabucslife???

Ryan:

Ever since our team won the Super Bowl back in 1597, we quickly became every team’s inspiration for how-not to run an organization. We have lost more games in the past TWO seasons than the Patriots have lost since 2008. And our big reward for winning two games last year? Drafting the horniest quarterback in league history. But things should work out OK since Tampa only has a strip club on every corner.

Joseph:

When I tell people from Florida I’m a BUCS fan they just stare at me in shock and wonder why.

The next person from Florida I meet who is a Bucs fan will be the first.

Matt:

Warren Sapp is a Grade-A piece of shit. Welcome to Tampa Bay’s Ring of Honor!

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It’s simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with fans, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Submissions will be cut off at some point. Next team up: Tennessee Titans

[Al Bundy]

Please link this.. I need to post this on Pewter Report for the homers that are on there.

[PunkinDrublic]

Originally Posted by Al Bundy

Please link this.. I need to post this on Pewter Report for the homers that are on there.

Just get it from deadspin.

[Rausch]

Winston is Kerry Collins.

He's either already had his "walking outside a PD with a cigar out my mouth" moment or he hasn't. He's much more intelligent than his immaturity would lead you to believe and his TALENT ceiling is that of a top 5 QB.

Yet another example of a young QB that would benefit from sitting a year, but he won't, and it'll be to his detriment...

[TrebMaxx]

I see Winston as another Vince Young.

[DaKCMan AP]

Originally Posted by TrebMaxx

I see Winston as another Vince Young.

WTF?

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Originally Posted by DaKCMan AP

WTF?

They're both black? Talk about 2 completely different styles...

[Eleazar]

Jameis Winston threw 18 picks last year. Imagine sitting in a war room and saying to yourself, “Well, he threw 18 picks last year in an abominable conference. And he derped all over the Rose Bowl. And he stole crab legs. And he got suspended for doing the Tosh Serenade at the school cafeteria. And every other NFL fan will root for him to fail. And he may have raped a woman. And he couldn’t even show his face at the ****ing draft because he knew he’d be booed for possibly raping a woman. LET’S TAKE HIM FIRST.”

The most amazing thing is that the Bucs, like every authoritative body at FSU, were covering for Jameis even BEFORE they were stupid enough to draft him. They had to lay an intricate groundwork of rose-colored bullshit:

“To me, I think he’s told us an awful lot with how he’s handled it,” Smith said. “It’s not like he’s getting ready to go into the NFL and scrutiny is coming his way.”

Yes! In that way, I’m GLAD he was accused of rape! Really steels you for the rigors of pro football. If only EVERY prospect were accused of rape. It’s the Oklahoma Drill of legal entanglements. TOUGHENS THE BODY AND THE MIND.

Of course, now that the Bucs have procured Winston, they’re taking it one step further by trying to change the narrative and paint him as some kind of mutant football savant. He’s a sponge! He studies a lot! They aren’t using training wheels! His football IQ is wayyyy higher than his criminal IQ! Essentially, they’re telling you that his football output will be so good that you will have no choice but to put the rest of Jameis’ baggage out of your mind. Not only is this cynical—even craven—but it could also all be a pack of lies. Let’s see that gif one more time…



That’s against Oregon, mind you. Oregon doesn’t even play defense. Don’t try to sell me on this lumbering turnover machine before I’ve seen his fat ass play a single down. **** you for openly trying to polish that turd in front of America.

You can't talk about JaJamis that way!


http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ers-1718991122

[Why Not?]

Sweet! I love these articles. I thought the series didn't start until August.

[PunkinDrublic]

BTW feel free to post the new ones as they come out.

[PunkinDrublic]

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tennessee Titans







Drew Magary
Filed to: Why your team sucks 2015
















7/21/15 2:40pm
































Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tennessee Titans

Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Tennessee Titans

Your 2014 record: 2-14. That includes blowing a 28-3 lead to Cleveland. At home. “I’M PISSED OFF. HOW ABOUT THAT?!”







Your coach: Ken Whisenhunt. EVERYONE BEATS THE WHIZ. When are people gonna stop giving this man quarterbacks to ruin? Jake Locker RETIRED this offseason. Jake Locker is 19 years old. He had to retire because Whiz coaches all his quarterbacks to plant your face in the defender’s chest prior to releasing the ball. Classic throwing motion. Good thing they didn’t draft another slender, speedy quarterback who might be similarly frail! Oh wait…

Your quarterback: MARIOTO! All of the blandness of Russell Wilson with NONE of the ability! It says a lot about Marcus Mariota that the Bucs had their choice of quarterbacks at the top of the draft, and still went with the alleged rapist and verified crab burglar that Mariota trashed in the Rose Bowl, instead of Mariota himself. Mariota had every possible intangible advantage over Jameis Winston, and yet the Bucs still looked at his game film and were like, “Nope. He’s dead meat.”

But I’m sure he’ll soon flourish in a Ken Whisenhunt offense that is tailored to quarterbacks who have the EXACT OPPOSITE SKILL SET. In the Whisenhunt offense, your job is stand ramrod straight and throw the ball 30 yards down field, incomplete. I’m worried that Mariota doesn’t possess the immobility necessary to pull that off.

On the off-chance that Marcus Mariota is actually good (and with Oregon’s legacy of highly drafted QBs like Akili Smith and Joey Harrington, how could he fail?), the Titans will still ruin him. They’ll plug him into a shitty, unimaginable offense; put him behind an abominable offensive line that is somehow WORSE than the one that allowed 50 sacks last season; and then blame him when everything goes to shit. Thankfully, Mariota will be too damned nice to get angry about any of this. YOUR PLEASANT DEMEANOR IS A SIGN OF COWARDICE, YOU GRASS SKIRT-WEARING PUSS.

By the way, once Mariota gets blown to pieces by J.J. Watt, your backup QB is still Zach Mettenberger, who fired back at J.J. Watt a swift nine months after Watt gave him shit for taking selfies. Real quick reaction time on this young quarterback…

“I think this chicken is expired!” –Zach Mettenberger, five days after dying of salmonella poisoning

“You mean we won?” –Zach Mettenberger, watching The Patriot

“They did WHAT?!” –Zach Mettenberger, on September 11th, 2002

What’s new that sucks: Well, the kicker died. Also: the Titans also signed Brian Orakpo and Hakeem Nicks, because they’re always looking for new players to get hurt. FUN FACT: The Titans possess only four active players on the roster any given week. They have to fill out the rest of the starting lineup with statues made from old floss and wet sand. Their stretching routine includes Oreos.

What has always sucked: Bishop Sankey. **** Bishop Sankey right in the eye. I believed in you, Sankey. I trusted you to be a reliable 2RB as a rookie. Instead, you were SHIT. I’m never trusting a rookie running back again. I feel so violated. YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE IS WHAT YOU ARE.

And Dexter McCluster is still here. WHOA HEY STOP ME BEFORE I SHIT MY DICK. I can’t believe the Titans ponied up $4.5 million for a dude who is good for one nice end-around per season. Dexter McCluster is one of those players where the coach is like, “We HAVE to find a way to get the ball in his hands more!” and then they never do, because the player in question actually sucks. If I have manufacture ways to get you the ball, that means that you suck at getting the ball. You are of no use to me. Wait, they signed Harry Douglas, too? Why have one shitty small guy when you can have two?

Also, please note that the decaying remains of Dick LeBeau have been brought in to “save” one of the NFL’s worst defenses. Given how Monte Kiffin fared in Dallas, I’m sure we’re all in for a treat. This defense is the 76ers roster of football. Even the coaches don’t know who these people are. At the very least, LeBeau will get Michael Griffin to up his cheapshot rate to at least three per game.

Otherwise, this is same kind of same boring, anonymous Titans team we’ve all grown accustomed to over the years. The most exciting part of any Titans season is when their ticket office gets caught committing blatant acts of fraud. There’s a lot of Bill Macatee in your future, kids.

And you know what? This is what Nashville deserves for giving the world Clay Travis. And country music. God, **** country music. Nashville makes country music that even people who like country music don’t like. DURRR THAT AIN’T REAL COUNTRY! Even among redneck posers, this is somehow a city filled with even WORSE redneck posers. Take it from someone who lives near D.C.: terrible things happen when Northern white kids walk around pretending to be Southern white kids. Nashville is nothing more than several miles of a bar on every corner featuring the same shitty country bar band playing the same shitty country song to the same shitty faux country people. They also have a statue saluting the founder of the KKK in Nashville. Nashville should be incinerated.

What might not suck: Even while Mariota is getting his nuts stomped into the ground by opposing defenses, at least he’ll be CLASSY about it. Such a poised young man getting mangled out there!

And as long as he’s equipped with a knife, Justin Hunter will find a way to get open.

Hear it from Titans fans!

Adam:


The first few years I lived in Nashville I worked at a music store. One day Eddie George came in and proceeded to demo an electronic drum set for 2+ hours. He had it set on an “alien spaceship” sound setting and turned it up REALLY LOUD.

**** Eddie George. And dig Bud Adams up and **** him with a sun-baked fire hydrant.

Justin:


The Titans are the most boring dysfunctional franchise in all of sports, they are the missionary position of the NFL.

Brian:


Somehow Jeff Fisher is still coaching this team remotely. I swear I saw Eddie George running the ball up the middle on 3rd and 14 at some point last year.

Jarred:


I honestly think our owner (whoever the hell it is) changed the name of our stadium to “Nissan Stadium” because Nissan has a truck called a “Titan.”

Kennedy:


The University of Memphis is literally the best football team in the state right now.

Aaron:


The best QB in franchise history was killed by a mistress that worked at Adult Chucky Cheese’s, after a night out at a bar called Loser’s.

Jeff:


This is a top-shelf town full of friendly, handsome, surprisingly metropolitan people, but Nashville is not a professional football town. The Titans are a replay of the Braves starting in 1989. At first, nobody gives a shit because they’re not good and they’re not in the SEC. Then they have a good run, fans care, and Garth Brooks does promos. Then the organization sets unreasonable expectations for that to endure. Sure enough, they suck again and no one shows. Repeat. Hard to pull for a team that puts your recent Saturday afternoon hated enemies on the field in baby blue jerseys.

Did you know that the runner up name for the Titans was the Tennessee Trappers? For a mascot, I think we can all agree that a mountain man with bloody rusted traps on chains outcompetes the stuffed animal with feet so large he can’t run.

Jon:


Frank Wycheck is, without hyperbole, the worst announcer I’ve ever heard. Yes, even worse than Joe Buck. You’ll get a cramp listening to him.

Matt:


We now have two defensive coordinators for the second time in three years.

Mark:


I’ve been a NJ-based Titans fan (don’t ask) for 15 years. Whenever they play the Jets or the Giants, I make it a point to go. Last season, the closest city they were scheduled to play at was Philly. I think 3 starters got injured for the Titans, and they never really threatened. My friend and I took the subway line to Center City, when my stomach started to make a horrible sound. It felt like a volcanic surge was brewing, and I swore I was going to shit myself in front of 50 Eagles fans on a crowded subway line. My friend and I barely made to a bar where I ran to a toilet and remained there for a good 30 minutes in agony.

**** hoagies, **** Philly, and **** the Titans most of all.

Ryan:


Every good player we get either gets arrested or dies.

Our front office signed Michael Oher to a multi-year deal, and then replaced him with the only tackle in the league worse than he is.

Many of our fans legitimately think Zach Mettenberger is still the answer at QB, and frequently compare him to Tom Brady. I’m serious.

William:


The cutesy town storefronts outside both end-zones is a ****ing joke.

There are more Steelers fans than Titans fans in this city.

Roy:


I didn’t want the Titans to take Mariota because we’ll just break him, just like we did with Locker. He won’t last six games this season and will age faster in one year behind our OL than Obama has in 6 and half years in the White House. I actually feel bad for him.

Brandon:


Our owner died, his son-in-law took over before realizing we were a dumpster fire and now the team is run by the management equivalent of SOS Staffing Services. Sadly, this is the most excitement we’ve had since Vince Young spending $50,000 at the cheesecake factory.

LombardiPardi:


Apart from our talking potato of a GM, I don’t know who to blame for all our problems. Did you know we have an INTERIM PRESIDENT? Because we do. Nobody even wants the job. Bud Adams’ human marshmallow of a son-in-law had the job for a year before quitting. He instead is going to focus on managing the family oil business, because an oil rig has a lesser chance of catching fire than this football team.

David:


Our shiny new QB has all the personality of a bowl of Grapenuts. Our more interesting back-up Meth-in-Burger got into a “selfie” beef with the scariest mother****er in Texas and then proceeded to taunt J.J. publicly about his letterman jacket. So he’s dead.

Oh, and our biggest free-agent addition (Orakpo) can’t even sneeze without tearing a tit. We are so ****ed.

Chris:


Titans fans are among the most antiquated fans in the NFL, born from the #DoingItTheRightWay camp, which uses the pillars of a solid running game and quarterbacks who didn’t talk back to their coaches like in the old days as its core tenets. Sam Hinkie should come be the GM of the Titans when he’s run out of town in Philly because Titans fans love nothing more than fantasizing how great the team will be in five years. He could die in office at the age of 93, without making a single playoff appearance, and fans would regard him as the greatest goddamn GM of all time, so long as he wrangled up an 8-8 season once every four years. Fans would drool over all the accumulated 7th round picks that would mean “we’re only three years away.”

Most fans were ****ing livid over the team selecting Marcus Mariota, apparently because Zach Methburger played like a quarterback drafted in the 3rd round instead of one drafted in the 6th. Seriously, the fans were worried about taking a quarterback with the No. 2 pick because it might “set this team back for the next three years.” We certainly wouldn’t want to disrupt the sterling track record of a team that hasn’t had made the playoffs since 2008 and has one winning season over the past six years.

Blake:


Our fan base is a quarter the size of our state’s college team that has been to one bowl game in the past seven years, a bowl that was named after a shitty tax preparation website that no one has ever heard of. What few fans do exist are the definition of homer redneck morons. The vast majority of them were upset when they drafted Mariota to replace a sixth round rapist with a bum knee. In fact, Titans fans were so hungry for Mettenberger’s dick that the first time in his life he received affirmative consent was right before ****ing them in the ass.

Andy:


The NFL has sentenced them to a nationally televised game against the Jaguars on a Thursday, where it will rival Mr. Ed reruns taped off Nick at Nite 25 years ago in ratings.

**** this team.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It’s simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with fans, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Submissions will be cut off at some point. Next team up: Jacksonville Jaguars.

[big nasty kcnut]

Some people are fans of the Oakland Raiders. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Oakland Raiders. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Oakland Raiders

Your 2014 record: 3-13, featuring the league’s worst point differential (-199). “What this ball represents and what this hole represents are the first four games of the season. The first quarter of our season … This ball, to me, goes in this hole! Okay?” You will not find a more motivational hole than the hole Tony Sparano dug.

Sparano, you will recall, was promoted to interim head coach (all Raiders coaches should be labeled as “interim”) after Dennis Allen was canned after just four games last season. They could have canned Allen a full year ago. Instead, they burned off an entire season of their existence just so they could limply can him after one extra month of duty. This is how the Raiders work. They exist exclusively to waste your time. Their return to glory is so far off in the distance that nothing they do in the intervening decades really matters at all. They could ritualistically set themselves on fire ... or turn into a professional wakeboarding team. It doesn’t matter, because they won’t be good again for centuries. They’re ****ing worthless.

Your coach: Jack Del Rio. AHAHAHAHA. That’s your plan? Jesus. I mean, the least you can do it TRY to give fans hope. Instead, you gave them the return of Football Eddie Money…


I wonder if he kept that sash. It’s his most prized sash! He should be forced to wear it on the sidelines for every game.

Del Rio went 68-71 in his tenure with the Jaguars, a tenure most notable for a) the time he wore a suit, and b) the time he put a ****ing axe in the middle of the locker room, only to have the punter subsequently bury that axe in his leg. KEEP CHOPPING WOOD, GUYS.

Given that the Raiders also contemplated hiring Eric Mangini and Pat Shurmur, I guess Del Rio is a halfway tolerable choice. But really, after getting the Heisman from Jim Harbaugh (imagine a coach looking at your organization and being like, “I’d better go to Michigan. They’re WAY more functional”), they limited their options like they were dining at a Jersey Turnpike rest stop. “Well, I can eat Burger King, or I can scavenge for chicken bones in the shitter trash can.” This franchise has been eating shit for so long that Del Rio’s career record looks like the feat of a God at this point. OMG HE ALMOST WENT .500 WHAT IS THAT LIKE?

Your quarterback: Permanently mascara-ed phenom Derek Carr. Carr, of course, will get murdered by his o-line at some point this season, in which case your quarterback will be either Matt McGloin or …


YEAHHHHHHHHH WOOHOOHOO!!!! As a Vikings fan, let me tell you what a quality backup your team has secured. If you like watching a grown man run for his life and then fail to throw the ball past the line of scrimmage, this is the guy for you! Every pass that Christian Ponder completes is a small miracle from God. In that way, he fits in perfectly with the Raiders’ passing game.

What’s new that sucks: Kenny Stabler died. (You can bet that every Raiders fan in existence high-fived upon hearing the news that he died at age 69.)

Also, Mark Davis is scheming to ditch Oakland once and for all. If everything goes to plan—Jesus, who I am kidding? these are the Raiders—the team will skip town in 2016 in order to share a stadium near Los Angeles with the Chargers. Just one big stadium full of suck for unsuspecting citizens.

The stadium is expected to cost the city of Carson $1.7 billion, none of which will be spent on improving Davis’s current haircut. Here is where I remind you that the Raiders’ original proposed stadium design included an eternal flame in memory of Al Davis, which seems redundant, given that Hell itself is ablaze 24/7. The Davis Cauldron was scrapped from the plans—I assume funds were reallocated for the stadium’s inevitable need for in-house correctional facilities—but the whole saga is a helpful reminder that the only thing worse than having your team run by a living Al Davis is having your team run by a dead Al Davis.

You can tell Ghost Al is still running the team by its acquisitions over the offseason. Is that Trent Richardson? You know it is. I think it’ll be nice for fans to witness the only thing in existence slower than traffic over the Bay Bridge. And Michael Crabtree is here, too! Finally, a place where Michael Crabtree’s malcontent nature can fully flourish. FUN FACT: Mr. Sorry Receiver has gone over 1,000 yards in his career exactly once. They also signed Trindon Holliday to muff punts, which should be amusing. I don’t know if he can out-fumble James Jones, but he’ll sure as hell try. SPEED KILLS, PEOPLE. Oakland is where you go when you are a failed veteran, so that Oakland fans can dub you a True Raider, only to watch you fail miserably all over again.

The team also signed Malcolm Smith, because it can never get enough of fluky Super Bowl MVPs. Despite the presence of budding superstar Khalil Mack, the Raiders fielded their standard below-average defense the previous season. Hence, they binged on Smith, along with free agents Dan Williams and Curtis Lofton. All that, and yet the best player on the team is STILL the ****ing kicker.

What has always sucked: These are the worst fans in America. And I don’t mean they are disloyal or dispassionate. I mean that, as PEOPLE, they are the worst fans in America. State any obvious fact about the Raiders—like the fact that they are bad at football—and you can expect them to go completely overboard in seeking redress. Like so …

YOU: Jack Del Rio? That seems kinda uninspired.

RAIDER FAN: (stabs you)

No wonder Mark Davis is emptying out every corporate expense account in San Antonio and Los Angeles. Getting away from Oakland is a matter of personal safety for any reasonable human being. This is a hilariously incompetent team that can’t play defense and completes one pass for every 20 attempts, and yet NO Raiders fan can admit it. Every year we do these previews, and every year the Raiders have the most humorless, defensive, irrational fans of the bunch. Even Redskins fans are like, “Whoa, they’re being a little unreasonable!” I’ll never understand it. Your team is ****ing terrible. You cling to the outdated football philosophy of a rotting corpse. Can you really not see this? What the **** is wrong with you?

Also, Charles Woodson is still the best player in the secondary. Charles Woodson is 5,000 years old. I bet Ponder dazzles everyone in practice against that backfield.

What might not suck: Amari Cooper, shown here wishing he had been drafted by Jacksonville, was arguably the most talented and hardest-working player available in the whole draft. Put him together with Carr and a healthy Latavius Murray and this almost resembles a functional NFL offense. It’s like when they build a set for a movie, and it LOOKS like a real house, but the back of it is nothing more than wood girders and pegboard.

Hear it from Raiders fans!

Liam:

I told a friend that I was an Oakland fan, and he told me “Well, I can’t really call you a bandwagoner, because you’re not really getting anything out of being a Raiders fan.”
Brian:

There was a span in 2010 where I was getting at least one prank call a week from a buddy trying to fool me into celebrating Al Davis’ death.

I was in a car accident on November 29 last year (both cars and parties were fine). On November 30, the Raiders were ass-pounded by the Rams (aptly) 52-0. I received more phone calls to see if I was okay on Sunday night than on Saturday.

**** Jamarcus Russell with a cactus dildo.
Victor:

Mark Davis looks like an old man version of Bucky Larson.
Derek:

Oakland itself has the inferiority complex of a second-tier Midwestern city.
Nic:

Despite a decade plus of the most heinous, eye-gouging football ****ery, my dad has maintained his weekly pedicure appointment where he gets his two big toes painted black and the rest of the little piggies painted silver (just like their sparkly helmets). My dad also still wears leather pants on the regular and tried to buy a goddamn used hearse to drive to the Coliseum.
Tom:

Their best offensive player since 2002 has been a fat kicker who can hit 65 yard field goals but shanks 30 yarders with the game on the line.

**** Darren McFadden with his brittle leg bones.
Matthew:

If they injure Peyton, I’ll call it a successful season.
Carlos:

This is what 70+ million in salary cap room buys you: Christian Ponder, Trent Richardson, Roy Helu, Michael Crabtree, Lee Smith, Rodney Hudson, Dan Williams, Curtis Lofton and Nate Allen.
Joe:

After enduring the 2003 Super Bowl, I proclaimed boldly “The Raiders would be back in 10 years.” I have shitty friends that didn’t forget I said that.
Burke:

In Week 12 when we won our first game in 368 days, the reaction was embarrassing. Our best players were celebrating 20 yards offsides while the game was still going on. Derek Carr went on a Jesus rant that made Russell Wilson look like an agnostic. Windbag to end all windbags Tony Sparano got choked up (again, for a team that just became 1-10). Raiders fans acted like Raiders fans.

The next week we got clobbered 52-0 by the Rams, who we hopefully beat to Los Angeles so I can stop rooting for this team.
Matt:

While the East Bay is now the only remotely livable part of the Bay Area, I have never seen so many people be so trashy and yet so pretentious. The Raiders will likely move into the 800 year old Los Angeles Coliseum next year and it will immediately be a massive upgrade over the O.Co Coliseum. There’s a ****ing dirt infield on it half the season. The sewage backs up into locker rooms. They only serve Bud Light. And you can’t smoke or vape anywhere in the stadium. I’ll be so glad to not have to drive 6 hours through cow shit up the 5 freeway in order to spend an afternoon watching my team lose to Geno and the Jets while swilling the worst beer ever and not even getting to mask the awful taste of it with a Newport.
Chris:

Lane Kiffin: 4-12 record – retained the following season

Tom Cable: 8-8, vastly outperforming talent – fired

Hue Jackson: 8-8, vastly outperforming talent – fired

Dennis Allen: 4-12 – retained (x2)

Tom Cable vastly outperformed the talent he had and beat the shit out of his assistant coaches. Both of these qualities made him wildly popular with fans. Naturally, he was fired after his first full season.
Aaron:

We finally shipped out Darren McFadden before his legs fully turned to dust and replaced him with a back who has all the burst and speed of Hodor.

Mark Davis and Reggie MacKenzie look like a children’s show that got caught in a chemical fire.
Halston:

Because when Mark Davis threatened to move the team to San Antonio, the idiot fanbase here was terrified...as it made too much sense for the Raiders to move there since they had the same color scheme as the Spurs.
Ray:

The fans care more about their makeup foundation wearing off than they do the score.
Ferninator:

Our owner’s dad moved the team to LA only to discover that all the football fans there would rather watch games on TV than sit in traffic for an hour to drive five miles and watch in person. So he moved them back to Oakland where the fans show nothing but love in spite of years of futility. As reward the current owner wants to move back to LA. Probably because it has more chain restaurants. One of his favorite restaurants is PF Changs and his haircut looks like a lettuce cup.
Kyle:

They are threatening to move to LA and share a stadium with one of their most hated rivals, which is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. **** these guys.
Sean:

In a league where 32 teams split $7.2 billion dollars last season in revenue sharing - $226.4 million per team - our owner was seen flying SOUTHWEST AIRLINES to Denver to recruit Jack Del Rio. He probably sat in a middle seat, too.
Morgan:

My best friend has season tickets for the Raiders. He invited me to the HOU @ OAK game last season for what was my first attendance of a professional football game. Needless to say the experience did not disappoint. These were the highlights:

- The walk from the BART station, across the sky bridge, down to the front gates, up the ramps and to your seat is the real-world equivalent of the Troll Market scene from Hell Boy 2; a smorgasbord of goblins, witches, and Lovecraftian horrors offering apothecaric concoctions and libations from open containers.

- As we arrived at our seats with our drinks, we both had a double-take after the announcer shouted “HOUSTON, TOUCHDOWN #99”, marking JJ Watt’s first ever receiving TD. My colleague joked that he felt he “must be on acid” due to the absurdity of it all. The profusely sweating Raider fan (is there any other kind?) next to him interjected with an overly earnest: “yea, I’m trippin’ too, dawg!”

- Every single bathroom had an identical “meeting-of-the-minds” scenario where 4-9 full grown men in stained clothing congregated at the entrance of the restroom to smoke Black & Milds and foster camaraderie by calling every single person who walked in that wasn’t covered in dark clothing derogatory names.

- Whilst relieving myself, a half-naked man staggered to a trough urinal and began violently vomiting into it with his head fully engulfed in the basin. He subsequently passed out under it.

- Adjacent to our seats was the infamous Black Hole section. We saw three different fights break out. All three instances were Raider fans fighting each other.

- During the trek back after the game, we overheard some fans discussing how the team could easily go 6-10 or 8-8 if “Dennis Allen just starts making adjustments at the half.” My friend had to stop walking for a minute because he was shaking with both laughter and rage.
Alexander:

Every stereotype about Raiders fans (methhead biker, tatted up Nortegno gangbanger, escaped psych ward Darth Vader cosplayer) is 100% true.

They want every shit-tier, washed-up veteran FA because they somehow think that bringing him into the black hole will energize him into running for a thousand yards (**** MJD) or posting 18 sacks. Our coaching staff ****ing sucks & our facilities were constructed by the Byzantines; how could you possibly think that someone would come here & do anything more than play below average & cash a paycheck? Draft day is even worse. Raider fans just yell random names that they heard Mel Kiper talk about once in between hits of meth. Some of them wanted us to trade up to get Dante Fowler because SEC. **** this team & everyone that surrounds it with a wooden bat. Just let me watch them go 5-11 in peace.
Adam:

The fans are so oddly jazzed about the new weight facility Del Rio is establishing at the team facility, you would think the Raiders are copying the technology responsible for training Ivan Drago.
Josh:

My team sucks because the Tom Brady getting suspended for deflating footballs was the happiest I’ve felt about football in over a decade.

[Coochie liquor]

Faiders turn!!

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...source=taboola

[Al Bundy]

This one got me banned from Pewter Report lol...

[notorious]

Dexter McCluster is one of those players where the coach is like, “We HAVE to find a way to get the ball in his hands more!” and then they never do, because the player in question actually sucks.

Perfection.