Football ***Official New Donks Thread***

**jjchieffan** · 09-08-2016, 10:14 AM

Deadspin's Why your Team Sucks, The 2016 Denver Broncos. What better article for a Donks thread, right? The old one is 2 years old and surely bogging down the server with it's nearly 8000 posts.

Why Your Team Sucks 2016: Denver Broncos

Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews here. And buy Drew’s new book here.

Your team: Denver Broncos.

Your 2015 record: 12-4, Super Bowl Champions. History will be kind to this team because the defense was sensational, and because they got Peyton Manning a second ring and sent him into retirement on a cloud of Jim Nantz’s cedar-scented farts. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that HISTORY LIES. This was one of the worst championship teams of my lifetime. Like the 2000 Ravens or the 2002 Bucs, the 2015 Broncos are gonna end up being one of those rare exceptions to the rule that you need great quarterbacking to win a Super Bowl. I need another, better Super Bowl champ to come along this winter to help wash the taste out of my mouth. Or I need to watch this again…

They shouldn’t have even awarded the Lombardi Trophy last season. When no team is good enough to seize the ring, they should just vacate the Super Bowl and give the ring to me for safekeeping. That way, I don’t have to pretend that it’s heartwarming to see Manning and his twelve-head limp his way to the title, after a long career of wiping his ass on trainers’ faces and using Seamless to have HGH delivered to his doorstep. And I won’t have to watch him ruin what ought to be a touching and genuine sports moment with subliminal mentions of shitty beer and even shittier pizza.

Your coach: Gary Kubiak. Again, we’re gonna get farther away from last season and everyone is gonna be like, “THAT guy won a title?” It’ll be just like Mike McCarthy’s title: inexplicable, unjustified, and somewhat irritating. Kubiak still can’t manage the clock. He sits on leads like a mother hen. It’s painful to watch this man coach. Gary Kubiak is the Ditka to Wade Phillips’s Buddy Ryan. His hair looks like it was drawn by an animator cooking up a new enemy for Voltron.

Your quarterback: Quarterback? What quarterback? You don’t have a quarterback. All I see on this roster are old sandwich crusts and pickle jar lids. Hard to believe there’s a step down from Manning posting a 9:17 TD-to-INT ratio in 2015, but the Broncos have managed to find it. MANY steps down, in fact!

John Elway puffed his horsey cheeks and chased Brock Osweiler out of town when the young QB dared to ask for a few extra million and a guaranteed starting job. We’re thisssss close to Elway saying the words “The Bronco Way” out loud during a press conference, and then everything will be awful.

As a result of Osweiler’s departure, there’s nothing here. Your current starter is future trivia question answer Trevor Siemian. Behind him is rookie quarterback and terrible omen for the future of American baby names Paxton Lynch (STOP NAMING CHILDREN AFTER ACTION MOVIE CHARACTERS THAT EXIST ONLY IN YOUR IMAGINATION). And then there was Mark Sanchez. Keep in mind that the Broncos actually traded for Buttfumble, only to immediately regret it, as one does. Sanchez is now in Dallas. Wait until he discovers the steakhouse titty bars there. Whole new world for him.

This offense will be miserable. You’re gonna have to pray for C.J. Anderson to break off a 20-yard run every fifth game if you want your dick to move. If you thought the Denver defense had to carry the bulk of the load last year, wait until September. There are single Catholic mothers who are less put-upon than this defense. Speaking of which…

What’s new that sucks: The defense! Yes, that swaggering, balls-big-enough-to-need-a-wheelbarrow unit that won a championship last year has suffered the traditional, post-Super Bowl free agent raid. Gone are studs Malik Jackson and Danny Trevathan. And Derek Wolfe has already done his best Von Miller impersonation and gotten suspended for four games. [Correction: That was last season, whatever.]

It gets worse. The O-line also lost Ryan Clady and Evan Mathis, and then Elway attempted to compensate by signing Russell Okung, whose negotiating skills make even Ricky Williams wince. If I were you guys, I would drink myself stupid all season long, bask in the championship afterglow, and pretend my offense isn’t doing a perfect aesthetic imitation of the 2001 Dallas Cowboys. At least Von got paid.

What has always sucked: Aqib Talib! Yes, Aqib Talib got shot this offseason. Who shot him? Where was he shot? Why do guns always go off at Talib family barbecues? I’m afraid that Talib is too shitfaced to answer ANY of those questions at the moment. I will say this, though: there’s no shortage of people who wouldn’t mind shooting Aqib Talib. Like Dwayne Allen!

And Corey Brown!

Honestly, it’s a wonder that this man isn’t shot more often. He’s the dirtiest player in football. This whole team is dirty. The entire front office drives like they’re auditioning for a role in a Bad Lieutenant reboot. Shiloh Keo drives even worse and then blames it on The Man. Ryan Murphy pulled a Eugene Robinson before the Super Bowl. Wolfe gets in nightclub fights like an asshole. This team is full of raging dickheads, which makes them PERFECT for this spoiled little fanbase. If there were truly a God, he never would have gifted these fans another title after they way they handled the post-Elway years. He would have fried them with lightning for heckling Jake Plummer and Jay Cutler out of town and embracing Tim goddamn Tebow instead.

These fans, and this town, will only get more entitled and whiny as the year winds on and the offense suffocates to death in a snowbank. Denver has quickly devolved from a relatively low-key, affordable city into the next American nightmare urban dystopia. In five years, it’ll be San Francisco. The real estate market is already completely out of control. Condos are almost as expensive as New York, without any of the charm or culture. You pay Upper East Side rent to live next to a ****ing Hard Rock Cafe. Wanna head to the mountains go skiing with your ski bros? Well then, that’s either a four-hour drive or $40 in luxury tolls. The whole area has been Aspen-ified into misery. And the Broncos, led by King Idiot Elway, are well on their way to being equally expensive and overrated. Suck balls, Denver. You’re not winning another title for a very, very, very long time. And when you do, you’ll have already been priced out of town, watching your team from Western Nebraska.

What might not suck: You won a title. You need no positive reinforcement from me. Take your championship and put it in your butt. I’m done here.

ClevelandBronco · 09-08-2016, 10:43 AM

**jjchieffan** · 09-08-2016, 10:46 AM

Where? I haven't seen the Deadspin article here yet. They just put it up yesterday.

Garcia Bronco · 09-08-2016, 01:24 PM

Love the Donkeys!

**RealSNR** · 09-08-2016, 01:31 PM

Thread tools -> Ignore this thread

TEX · 09-08-2016, 01:34 PM

"This team is full of raging dickheads, which makes them PERFECT for this spoiled little fan base."

ThaVirus · 09-08-2016, 01:34 PM

We need less threads about Denver, not more.

TLO · 09-08-2016, 01:42 PM

Why does Denver deserve their own thread? **** that.

**Lzen** · 09-08-2016, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Why do guns always go off at Talib family barbecues?

**jjchieffan** · 09-08-2016, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Pepper

Why does Denver deserve their own thread? **** that.

They don't. But in case you hadn't noticed, they've had one for about 2 years. It's bound to get locked soon because it's killing the server. Before that, they had another big one started by KnowShit with Donks at the top of the power rankings. It seems to have become a fixture around here. I figured that the Why the Broncos Suck article would be the perfect thing to start the new one with.

**jjchieffan** · 09-08-2016, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Pepper

Why does Denver deserve their own thread? **** that.

I think that's the point of the megathread. KnowShit can put all his Dungver crap in here instead of cluttering up the rest of the board.

King_Chief_Fan · 09-08-2016, 03:28 PM

Ignore knownothing....ends his hold over some of you
Quit obsessing over Donks team.

**jjchieffan** · 09-08-2016, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by King_Chief_Fan

Ignore knownothing....ends his hold over some of you
Quit obsessing over Donks team.

His homer views can be quite entertaining at times. i.e. Semen is the next Brady. That's some funny stuff right there.

**jjchieffan** · 09-09-2016, 07:34 AM

Dirty cheating Donks!! They have surpassed the Raiders on my hated teams list, and that's quite an accomplishment.

RippedmyFlesh · 12-27-2016, 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jjchieffan

Dirty cheating Donks!! They have surpassed the Raiders on my hated teams list, and that's quite an accomplishment.

That would be a good poll.

09-08-2016, 10:14 AM	Topic Starter
jjchieffan Supporter Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Highlandville, MO Casino cash: $92248	*Official New Donks Thread* Deadspin's Why your Team Sucks, The 2016 Denver Broncos. What better article for a Donks thread, right? The old one is 2 years old and surely bogging down the server with it's nearly 8000 posts. Why Your Team Sucks 2016: Denver Broncos Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews here. And buy Drew’s new book here. Your team: Denver Broncos. Your 2015 record: 12-4, Super Bowl Champions. History will be kind to this team because the defense was sensational, and because they got Peyton Manning a second ring and sent him into retirement on a cloud of Jim Nantz’s cedar-scented farts. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that HISTORY LIES. This was one of the worst championship teams of my lifetime. Like the 2000 Ravens or the 2002 Bucs, the 2015 Broncos are gonna end up being one of those rare exceptions to the rule that you need great quarterbacking to win a Super Bowl. I need another, better Super Bowl champ to come along this winter to help wash the taste out of my mouth. Or I need to watch this again… They shouldn’t have even awarded the Lombardi Trophy last season. When no team is good enough to seize the ring, they should just vacate the Super Bowl and give the ring to me for safekeeping. That way, I don’t have to pretend that it’s heartwarming to see Manning and his twelve-head limp his way to the title, after a long career of wiping his ass on trainers’ faces and using Seamless to have HGH delivered to his doorstep. And I won’t have to watch him ruin what ought to be a touching and genuine sports moment with subliminal mentions of shitty beer and even shittier pizza. Your coach: Gary Kubiak. Again, we’re gonna get farther away from last season and everyone is gonna be like, “THAT guy won a title?” It’ll be just like Mike McCarthy’s title: inexplicable, unjustified, and somewhat irritating. Kubiak still can’t manage the clock. He sits on leads like a mother hen. It’s painful to watch this man coach. Gary Kubiak is the Ditka to Wade Phillips’s Buddy Ryan. His hair looks like it was drawn by an animator cooking up a new enemy for Voltron. Your quarterback: Quarterback? What quarterback? You don’t have a quarterback. All I see on this roster are old sandwich crusts and pickle jar lids. Hard to believe there’s a step down from Manning posting a 9:17 TD-to-INT ratio in 2015, but the Broncos have managed to find it. MANY steps down, in fact! John Elway puffed his horsey cheeks and chased Brock Osweiler out of town when the young QB dared to ask for a few extra million and a guaranteed starting job. We’re thisssss close to Elway saying the words “The Bronco Way” out loud during a press conference, and then everything will be awful. As a result of Osweiler’s departure, there’s nothing here. Your current starter is future trivia question answer Trevor Siemian. Behind him is rookie quarterback and terrible omen for the future of American baby names Paxton Lynch (STOP NAMING CHILDREN AFTER ACTION MOVIE CHARACTERS THAT EXIST ONLY IN YOUR IMAGINATION). And then there was Mark Sanchez. Keep in mind that the Broncos actually traded for Buttfumble, only to immediately regret it, as one does. Sanchez is now in Dallas. Wait until he discovers the steakhouse titty bars there. Whole new world for him. This offense will be miserable. You’re gonna have to pray for C.J. Anderson to break off a 20-yard run every fifth game if you want your dick to move. If you thought the Denver defense had to carry the bulk of the load last year, wait until September. There are single Catholic mothers who are less put-upon than this defense. Speaking of which… What’s new that sucks: The defense! Yes, that swaggering, balls-big-enough-to-need-a-wheelbarrow unit that won a championship last year has suffered the traditional, post-Super Bowl free agent raid. Gone are studs Malik Jackson and Danny Trevathan. And Derek Wolfe has already done his best Von Miller impersonation and gotten suspended for four games. [Correction: That was last season, whatever.] It gets worse. The O-line also lost Ryan Clady and Evan Mathis, and then Elway attempted to compensate by signing Russell Okung, whose negotiating skills make even Ricky Williams wince. If I were you guys, I would drink myself stupid all season long, bask in the championship afterglow, and pretend my offense isn’t doing a perfect aesthetic imitation of the 2001 Dallas Cowboys. At least Von got paid. What has always sucked: Aqib Talib! Yes, Aqib Talib got shot this offseason. Who shot him? Where was he shot? Why do guns always go off at Talib family barbecues? I’m afraid that Talib is too shitfaced to answer ANY of those questions at the moment. I will say this, though: there’s no shortage of people who wouldn’t mind shooting Aqib Talib. Like Dwayne Allen! And Corey Brown! Honestly, it’s a wonder that this man isn’t shot more often. He’s the dirtiest player in football. This whole team is dirty. The entire front office drives like they’re auditioning for a role in a Bad Lieutenant reboot. Shiloh Keo drives even worse and then blames it on The Man. Ryan Murphy pulled a Eugene Robinson before the Super Bowl. Wolfe gets in nightclub fights like an asshole. This team is full of raging dickheads, which makes them PERFECT for this spoiled little fanbase. If there were truly a God, he never would have gifted these fans another title after they way they handled the post-Elway years. He would have fried them with lightning for heckling Jake Plummer and Jay Cutler out of town and embracing Tim goddamn Tebow instead. These fans, and this town, will only get more entitled and whiny as the year winds on and the offense suffocates to death in a snowbank. Denver has quickly devolved from a relatively low-key, affordable city into the next American nightmare urban dystopia. In five years, it’ll be San Francisco. The real estate market is already completely out of control. Condos are almost as expensive as New York, without any of the charm or culture. You pay Upper East Side rent to live next to a ****ing Hard Rock Cafe. Wanna head to the mountains go skiing with your ski bros? Well then, that’s either a four-hour drive or $40 in luxury tolls. The whole area has been Aspen-ified into misery. And the Broncos, led by King Idiot Elway, are well on their way to being equally expensive and overrated. Suck balls, Denver. You’re not winning another title for a very, very, very long time. And when you do, you’ll have already been priced out of town, watching your team from Western Nebraska. What might not suck: You won a title. You need no positive reinforcement from me. Take your championship and put it in your butt. I’m done here.
Posts: 13,318

09-08-2016, 10:43 AM	#2
ClevelandBronco I'm with the banned. Join Date: Sep 2006 Casino cash: $5658955	Q __________________ "Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit rises to the contemplation of truth ..." – Pope Saint John Paul II
Posts: 28,113

09-08-2016, 10:46 AM	#3
jjchieffan Supporter Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Highlandville, MO Casino cash: $92248	Where? I haven't seen the Deadspin article here yet. They just put it up yesterday. __________________ Genesis 1:1 In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth. Following the historical accounts and the genealogy from that point on, the age of the Earth is approximately 6000-7000 years old. The Big Bullshit Theory is a lie. It and the evolution theory go against real science. Satan has used our public school system to brainwash everyone into believing these lies. Be not decieved.
Posts: 13,318

09-08-2016, 01:24 PM	#4
Garcia Bronco No Keys, No Problem Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: Denver Casino cash: $1873136	Love the Donkeys!
Posts: 32,832

09-08-2016, 01:34 PM	#6
TEX Out Gunning CP's Fandom Police Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Galveston, TX Casino cash: $-1226873	"This team is full of raging dickheads, which makes them PERFECT for this spoiled little fan base." __________________ "Do we have time to run WASP?"
Posts: 37,057

09-08-2016, 01:34 PM	#7
ThaVirus 5 o’clock free crack giveaway Join Date: Sep 2007 Casino cash: $-1607631	We need less threads about Denver, not more.
Posts: 46,919

09-08-2016, 01:42 PM	#8
TLO Life is changing.. Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: NW Missouri Casino cash: $-2370000	Why does Denver deserve their own thread? **** that.
Posts: 43,040

09-08-2016, 03:28 PM	#12
King_Chief_Fan Praise Him Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: none ya Casino cash: $4755486	Ignore knownothing....ends his hold over some of you Quit obsessing over Donks team. __________________ No Jesus No Peace Know Jesus Know Peace Ephesians 2:8-10 English Standard Version (ESV) 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Posts: 12,362

09-09-2016, 07:34 AM	#14
jjchieffan Supporter Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Highlandville, MO Casino cash: $92248	Dirty cheating Donks!! They have surpassed the Raiders on my hated teams list, and that's quite an accomplishment. __________________ Genesis 1:1 In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth. Following the historical accounts and the genealogy from that point on, the age of the Earth is approximately 6000-7000 years old. The Big Bullshit Theory is a lie. It and the evolution theory go against real science. Satan has used our public school system to brainwash everyone into believing these lies. Be not decieved.
Posts: 13,318