All-Idiot Defensive Interview

Mark M · 08-10-2001, 09:16 AM

We continue our interview with Packfan’s All-Idiot Team coach Harry “Hank Stram’s” Hairpiece. This time out reporter, Skippy McScooperson, talks defense with the coach.

[i]Skippy: Coach, your defense last year was not as good as you would’ve hoped. How are things shaping up so far this year?[/i]
Harry: Well, we’re basically the same unit as last year, except that we’ve had a few changes at cornerback. Left corner back [b]DiscoJones[/b] never seemed to recover from his Electric Slide injury, so [b]ExtremeChief[/b] has taken his place.
[i]S: And how do you feel about that? Is it an upgrade?[/i]
H: I’d say it’s a push. Although Extreme doesn’t dance nearly as well. It must be a white thing ...
[i]S: Now, now, coach. Isn’t that racist?[/i]
H: Have you seen Extreme dance?
[i]S: Excellent point ... So, how does the rest of the secondary look?[/i]
H: Well, our safeties, [b]WisChief[/b] and [b]Iowanian[/b] are both very, very solid.
[i]S: So you’re happy with their performance?[/i]
H: Oh, you want to know about how they play? I was talking about their physical builds. Well, they seem to be doing okay. WisChief just imagines every opponent is a Packer’s fan and just runs around knocking everyone down: QBs, RBs, OTs, OGs, Referees ...
[i]S: And Iowanian?[/i]
H: We still have to convince him that the opening whistle is [i]not[/i] the start of hunting season. Although he is an excellent shot.
[i]S: How about the other cornerback spot?[/i]
H: Oh yeah, [b]htismaque[/b]. Well, if he could stop smoking the field we’d be okay.
[i]S: You mean stop smoking [b]on[/b] the field, right?[/i]
H: No ... I mean he [i]smokes the field[/i]. If it’s green and leafy, he’ll inhale it. He wiped out our practice field, half of our main field and the chef’s entire supply of oregano. The guy needs help.
[i]S: You mean he needs to get into rehab?[/i]
H: No ... I mean [i]he needs help[/i]. One person can’t possibly smoke all of that by himself. I’m thinking that [b]Big Daddy[/b] may be the man for the job. We need a backup anyway ... for those days we play on turf instead of grass.
[i]S: Alrighty then ... How about your linebackers?[/i]
H: Great group. Of course, there’s only two, [b]ChiefsRedPants[/b] and [b]ChiefPriority[/b], so how bad could they be?
[i]S: I’ve heard that ChiefsRedPants is still trying to find a way to impeach Dubya, and ChiefPriority spent the offseason working for ... how do I say it? The “adult film industry.”[/i]
H: (laughing) Yeah, ChiefPriority sure does love his porn, doesn’t he? Reminds me of this time I was on Hank’s skull, and these three girls, along with their dog, came over and—
[i]S: Um, coach ... I really don’t think this is the time or the place.[/i]
H: That’s what the dog thought! (laughs hysterically)
[i]S: I’m sure. Back to the topic: How about the defensive line?[/i]
H: You mean the “Hungry Hungry Hippos”?
[i]S: I guess so ... [/i]
H: Well, they’re doing okay. We’ve been pleased with [b]Logical[/b], [b]The Fly[/b] and [b]58forever[/b] on the inside.
[i]S: And the penalties? Are those going to be a problem ... again?[/i]
H: Well, in 16 games last year they combined for 480 penalties and 2,400 yards of total offense ... for the other team, of course. Fly was even named MVP for the PigskinPark Patriots, our main rival. Glad to see one of them get some recognition.
[i]S: And how about the defensive ends?[/i]
H: [b]Gaz[/b] has great range ... he was great in the Cohen brother’s remake of [i]Ishtar[/i].
[i]S: Um ... [/i]
H: Oh, you mean how are they doing in camp? Sorry, that’s twice I’ve done that. (laughs) Well, Gaz is doing well, although he’s recovering from a major carpal tunnel injury.
[i]S: That’s unusual for a football player. How did he get the injury?[/i]
H: You really don’t want to know ... really ... you don’t. But it’s nothing a little Tequila Rose and a bubble bath can’t fix. Although that might be how he got injured in the first place ...
[i]S: And the other end?[/i]
H: Of Gaz?
[i]S: No, the other [b]defensive[/b] end.[/i]
H: Oh, you mean [b]stevieray[/b]? He gives out more hits than htismaque’s bong. Great player, although he hasn’t been around in camp much. Must be some personal issues or something. We’re looking forward to his return.
[i]S: So you’re happy with the defense so far?[/i]
H: So far, so mediocre ...

This weekend (hopefully): All-Idiot Not-So-Special Teams and off-the-field personnel.

MM
~~Wonders where he comes up with this stuff ...

P.S. I don't know if I'll be able to get online from home, so the third and final installment may have to wait until Monday. Hey, I've gotta have something to do at work ... ;)

**ExtremeChief** · 08-10-2001, 09:22 AM

[B][SIZE=4]LMMFAO!!!!![/SIZE][/B]

guess I can call of the Macarena lessons...

keg in kc · 08-10-2001, 09:23 AM

[quote]H: Gaz has great range ... he was great in the Cohen brother’s remake of Ishtar.
S: Um ...
H: Oh, you mean how are they doing in camp? Sorry, that’s twice I’ve done that. (laughs) Well, Gaz is doing well, although he’s recovering from a major carpal tunnel injury.
S: That’s unusual for a football player. How did he get the injury?
H: You really don’t want to know ... really ... you don’t. But it’s nothing a little Tequila Rose and a bubble bath can’t fix. Although that might be how he got injured in the first place ...
S: And the other end?
H: Of Gaz?
S: No, the other defensive end. [/quote]

Oh, man, just when I get that image out of my mind you drag it back in again.

D@mn you!

And everyone thinks Gaz wears glasses because he's an engineer (or was that Gaz is an engineer because he wears-- oh, nevermind...).

**ChiTown** · 08-10-2001, 09:30 AM

Mark

Very funny stuff! You should shack your daytime job and write comedy, dude.

Chi
~Loves a good early morning chuckle.

htismaqe · 08-10-2001, 09:35 AM

You made my birthday. That was hilarious.

Especially

[b]S: You mean he needs to get into rehab?
H: No ... I mean he needs help. One person can’t possibly smoke all of that by himself. [/b]

**Bwana** · 08-10-2001, 09:40 AM

Mark: LOL great stuff again! :D

From the sounds of the "bud issues" I'm glad Hader is out there working so hard to bring in some extra income to cover the the "supply."

~GM Bwana trying to figure out how to feed these damn goldfish in his new pimp like clear shoes~

[IMG]http://www.safari-shop.de/images/Explorer.gif[/IMG]

Logical · 08-10-2001, 09:49 AM

Mark,

Man and I thought you could not top yesterday, hilarious especially the parts on Gaz and htismaqe. Thanks for the cameo, I have not been able to get any major parts recently and that cameo should remind people I am not dead.

Well, maybe I am dead and my typing fingers just do not realize it.

Great job

Mark M · 08-10-2001, 09:55 AM

Bwana--
If hader gets the $$, I know this guy from college ... ;)

ChiTown--
Thanks! Actually, I did stand-up for about a year at the Funnybone in Springfield, MO. Haven't done it in a while (bills to pay). :( I've been thinking about doing an ametuer night here in KC but the Glazer (sp?) family who owns the two comedy clubs in town are a bunch of pricks. The saddest thing is I [i]love[/i] to make people laugh ... and other than my wife (who is the easiest audience I've ever encountered—she'll laugh at darn near anything I say) I don't get a chance to do it all that often. This place is about as close as I get. I did the roster and these interview because, well, I need the fix. Not necessarily the attention (which I'm sure does have something to do with it) but more to get people to laugh at themselves and forget, however temporarily, the crap we all have to put up with everyday.

Sorry for sharing so much ... just had to get that out.

MM
~~Would love to find another day job.

**Tribal Warfare** · 08-10-2001, 09:59 AM

LOL, damn right I like my porn. :D

htismaqe · 08-10-2001, 09:59 AM

Dude, I've done some standup...I've been writing comedy songs lately and playing acoustic guitar...I really got into this guy named Stephen Lynch, he's funny as hell...

**Bwana** · 08-10-2001, 10:04 AM

Mark: Hader claims it's a "done deal" but wants a '57 Corvette for his troubles. :mad: I mentioned that I would hit Walmarts Hot wheels section and take care of it, but didn't hear back. Hmmm?

Perhaps I can calm him down by knocking a couple "peep holes" in the wall between the players and the cheerleaders? :D

[IMG]http://www.safari-shop.de/images/Explorer.gif[/IMG]

Gaz · 08-10-2001, 10:14 AM

[font=Garamond][size=4]
Another great job, Mark.

As far as the other end of Gaz is concerned:

[quote] You really don't want to know ... really ... you don't.[/quote]

xoxo~
Gaz
Soaking.
[/font][/size]

**ChiTown** · 08-10-2001, 10:28 AM

Mark

I don't know how old you are buddy, but I think you should always try and pursue your dreams, especially when you have the talent. I shacked an excellent paying job that I had for over a decade to pursue a dream I had of going into business for myself. I make less money, have had fewer success's, but have found more happiness in the last 18mos than I ever knew in my previous work life. I spend more time with my family, less time with Corp P R I C K S, and more time on things that interest me and make me happy.

I know comedy is a tough gig, but being happy and following your dreams can overcome a lot of the difficult hurdles. Good Luck in whatever you do.

Chi
~ Thinks he qualified to throw out some encouragement

Pitt Gorilla · 08-10-2001, 10:46 AM

Mark,
Have you looked into the De Ja Vu here in Columbia? They have comedy night at least every Thursday and often have one or two opening acts for the big act. You should give it a shot. If you need more info, let me know and I'll see what I can find.

Pitt
-Long-snapping practice shouldn't be considered "lude or indescent." Maybe I'll wear pants next time.

58Forever · 08-10-2001, 10:57 AM

double LMMFAO!!!!!

I'm ready to break that encroachment record this year...

08-10-2001, 09:16 AM
Mark M What time is it? Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: You tell me ... Casino cash: $9884900	All-Idiot Defensive Interview We continue our interview with Packfan’s All-Idiot Team coach Harry “Hank Stram’s” Hairpiece. This time out reporter, Skippy McScooperson, talks defense with the coach. [i]Skippy: Coach, your defense last year was not as good as you would’ve hoped. How are things shaping up so far this year?[/i] Harry: Well, we’re basically the same unit as last year, except that we’ve had a few changes at cornerback. Left corner back [b]DiscoJones[/b] never seemed to recover from his Electric Slide injury, so [b]ExtremeChief[/b] has taken his place. [i]S: And how do you feel about that? Is it an upgrade?[/i] H: I’d say it’s a push. Although Extreme doesn’t dance nearly as well. It must be a white thing ... [i]S: Now, now, coach. Isn’t that racist?[/i] H: Have you seen Extreme dance? [i]S: Excellent point ... So, how does the rest of the secondary look?[/i] H: Well, our safeties, [b]WisChief[/b] and [b]Iowanian[/b] are both very, very solid. [i]S: So you’re happy with their performance?[/i] H: Oh, you want to know about how they play? I was talking about their physical builds. Well, they seem to be doing okay. WisChief just imagines every opponent is a Packer’s fan and just runs around knocking everyone down: QBs, RBs, OTs, OGs, Referees ... [i]S: And Iowanian?[/i] H: We still have to convince him that the opening whistle is [i]not[/i] the start of hunting season. Although he is an excellent shot. [i]S: How about the other cornerback spot?[/i] H: Oh yeah, [b]htismaque[/b]. Well, if he could stop smoking the field we’d be okay. [i]S: You mean stop smoking [b]on[/b] the field, right?[/i] H: No ... I mean he [i]smokes the field[/i]. If it’s green and leafy, he’ll inhale it. He wiped out our practice field, half of our main field and the chef’s entire supply of oregano. The guy needs help. [i]S: You mean he needs to get into rehab?[/i] H: No ... I mean [i]he needs help[/i]. One person can’t possibly smoke all of that by himself. I’m thinking that [b]Big Daddy[/b] may be the man for the job. We need a backup anyway ... for those days we play on turf instead of grass. [i]S: Alrighty then ... How about your linebackers?[/i] H: Great group. Of course, there’s only two, [b]ChiefsRedPants[/b] and [b]ChiefPriority[/b], so how bad could they be? [i]S: I’ve heard that ChiefsRedPants is still trying to find a way to impeach Dubya, and ChiefPriority spent the offseason working for ... how do I say it? The “adult film industry.”[/i] H: (laughing) Yeah, ChiefPriority sure does love his porn, doesn’t he? Reminds me of this time I was on Hank’s skull, and these three girls, along with their dog, came over and— [i]S: Um, coach ... I really don’t think this is the time or the place.[/i] H: That’s what the dog thought! (laughs hysterically) [i]S: I’m sure. Back to the topic: How about the defensive line?[/i] H: You mean the “Hungry Hungry Hippos”? [i]S: I guess so ... [/i] H: Well, they’re doing okay. We’ve been pleased with [b]Logical[/b], [b]The Fly[/b] and [b]58forever[/b] on the inside. [i]S: And the penalties? Are those going to be a problem ... again?[/i] H: Well, in 16 games last year they combined for 480 penalties and 2,400 yards of total offense ... for the other team, of course. Fly was even named MVP for the PigskinPark Patriots, our main rival. Glad to see one of them get some recognition. [i]S: And how about the defensive ends?[/i] H: [b]Gaz[/b] has great range ... he was great in the Cohen brother’s remake of [i]Ishtar[/i]. [i]S: Um ... [/i] H: Oh, you mean how are they doing in camp? Sorry, that’s twice I’ve done that. (laughs) Well, Gaz is doing well, although he’s recovering from a major carpal tunnel injury. [i]S: That’s unusual for a football player. How did he get the injury?[/i] H: You really don’t want to know ... really ... you don’t. But it’s nothing a little Tequila Rose and a bubble bath can’t fix. Although that might be how he got injured in the first place ... [i]S: And the other end?[/i] H: Of Gaz? [i]S: No, the other [b]defensive[/b] end.[/i] H: Oh, you mean [b]stevieray[/b]? He gives out more hits than htismaque’s bong. Great player, although he hasn’t been around in camp much. Must be some personal issues or something. We’re looking forward to his return. [i]S: So you’re happy with the defense so far?[/i] H: So far, so mediocre ... This weekend (hopefully): All-Idiot Not-So-Special Teams and off-the-field personnel. MM ~~Wonders where he comes up with this stuff ... P.S. I don't know if I'll be able to get online from home, so the third and final installment may have to wait until Monday. Hey, I've gotta have something to do at work ... ;)
Posts: 4,687

08-10-2001, 09:22 AM	#2
ExtremeChief Poser Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: BFE, MO Casino cash: $9991344	[B][SIZE=4]LMMFAO!!!!![/SIZE][/B] guess I can call of the Macarena lessons... __________________ When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
Posts: 2,354

08-10-2001, 09:23 AM	#3
keg in kc oxymoron Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: OP/KC/Whatever Casino cash: $9556299	[quote]H: Gaz has great range ... he was great in the Cohen brother’s remake of Ishtar. S: Um ... H: Oh, you mean how are they doing in camp? Sorry, that’s twice I’ve done that. (laughs) Well, Gaz is doing well, although he’s recovering from a major carpal tunnel injury. S: That’s unusual for a football player. How did he get the injury? H: You really don’t want to know ... really ... you don’t. But it’s nothing a little Tequila Rose and a bubble bath can’t fix. Although that might be how he got injured in the first place ... S: And the other end? H: Of Gaz? S: No, the other defensive end. [/quote] Oh, man, just when I get that image out of my mind you drag it back in again. D@mn you! And everyone thinks Gaz wears glasses because he's an engineer (or was that Gaz is an engineer because he wears-- oh, nevermind...).
Posts: 58,682

08-10-2001, 09:30 AM	#4
ChiTown Stroking to the SB Champs! Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Flatlands of Kansas Casino cash: $-341038	Mark Very funny stuff! You should shack your daytime job and write comedy, dude. Chi ~Loves a good early morning chuckle.
Posts: 40,903

08-10-2001, 09:35 AM	#5
htismaqe 'Tis my eye! Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Chiefsplanet Casino cash: $8179900	You made my birthday. That was hilarious. Especially [b]S: You mean he needs to get into rehab? H: No ... I mean he needs help. One person can’t possibly smoke all of that by himself. [/b]
Posts: 104,292

08-10-2001, 09:40 AM	#6
Bwana It's Five O'Clock Somewhere Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Billings, Montana Casino cash: $2136043647	Mark: LOL great stuff again! :D From the sounds of the "bud issues" I'm glad Hader is out there working so hard to bring in some extra income to cover the the "supply." ~GM Bwana trying to figure out how to feed these damn goldfish in his new pimp like clear shoes~ [IMG]http://www.safari-shop.de/images/Explorer.gif[/IMG] Last edited by Bwana; 08-10-2001 at 11:04 AM..
Posts: 70,474

08-10-2001, 09:49 AM	#7
Logical Screw U if U can't take a joke Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $10004900	Mark, Man and I thought you could not top yesterday, hilarious especially the parts on Gaz and htismaqe. Thanks for the cameo, I have not been able to get any major parts recently and that cameo should remind people I am not dead. Well, maybe I am dead and my typing fingers just do not realize it. Great job
Posts: 31,579

08-10-2001, 09:55 AM	#8
Mark M What time is it? Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: You tell me ... Casino cash: $9884900	Bwana-- If hader gets the $$, I know this guy from college ... ;) ChiTown-- Thanks! Actually, I did stand-up for about a year at the Funnybone in Springfield, MO. Haven't done it in a while (bills to pay). :( I've been thinking about doing an ametuer night here in KC but the Glazer (sp?) family who owns the two comedy clubs in town are a bunch of pricks. The saddest thing is I [i]love[/i] to make people laugh ... and other than my wife (who is the easiest audience I've ever encountered—she'll laugh at darn near anything I say) I don't get a chance to do it all that often. This place is about as close as I get. I did the roster and these interview because, well, I need the fix. Not necessarily the attention (which I'm sure does have something to do with it) but more to get people to laugh at themselves and forget, however temporarily, the crap we all have to put up with everyday. Sorry for sharing so much ... just had to get that out. MM ~~Would love to find another day job. __________________ ChiefsPlanet -- n. The place where brilliant minds assemble to willfully pool ignorance with questionable logic in order to reach absurd conclusions.
Posts: 4,687

08-10-2001, 09:59 AM	#9
Tribal Warfare Man of Culture Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Far Beyond Comprehension Casino cash: $-2777187	LOL, damn right I like my porn. :D __________________
Posts: 43,422

08-10-2001, 10:04 AM	#11
Bwana It's Five O'Clock Somewhere Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Billings, Montana Casino cash: $2136043647	Mark: Hader claims it's a "done deal" but wants a '57 Corvette for his troubles. :mad: I mentioned that I would hit Walmarts Hot wheels section and take care of it, but didn't hear back. Hmmm? Perhaps I can calm him down by knocking a couple "peep holes" in the wall between the players and the cheerleaders? :D [IMG]http://www.safari-shop.de/images/Explorer.gif[/IMG] Last edited by Bwana; 08-10-2001 at 11:09 AM..
Posts: 70,474

08-10-2001, 10:14 AM	#12
Gaz Defense Homer Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Rancho Gaz Casino cash: $10010793	These are really fun reads. [font=Garamond][size=4] Another great job, Mark. As far as the other end of Gaz is concerned: [quote] You really don't want to know ... really ... you don't.[/quote] xoxo~ Gaz Soaking. [/font][/size]
Posts: 5,911

08-10-2001, 10:28 AM	#13
ChiTown Stroking to the SB Champs! Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Flatlands of Kansas Casino cash: $-341038	Mark I don't know how old you are buddy, but I think you should always try and pursue your dreams, especially when you have the talent. I shacked an excellent paying job that I had for over a decade to pursue a dream I had of going into business for myself. I make less money, have had fewer success's, but have found more happiness in the last 18mos than I ever knew in my previous work life. I spend more time with my family, less time with Corp P R I C K S, and more time on things that interest me and make me happy. I know comedy is a tough gig, but being happy and following your dreams can overcome a lot of the difficult hurdles. Good Luck in whatever you do. Chi ~ Thinks he qualified to throw out some encouragement
Posts: 40,903

08-10-2001, 10:46 AM	#14
Pitt Gorilla Banned! Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: NOT Columbia, MO 65201 Casino cash: $50194	Mark, Have you looked into the De Ja Vu here in Columbia? They have comedy night at least every Thursday and often have one or two opening acts for the big act. You should give it a shot. If you need more info, let me know and I'll see what I can find. Pitt -Long-snapping practice shouldn't be considered "lude or indescent." Maybe I'll wear pants next time. __________________ Your son is a bench warmer because of your weak genetics not because of the coach Norlin Mommsen is disgusting.
Posts: 47,330

08-10-2001, 10:57 AM	#15
58Forever It's dejavu all over again! Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: at home in my own chair Casino cash: $10004900	double LMMFAO!!!!! I'm ready to break that encroachment record this year... __________________ joe If the other team scores zero, three points is enough! "screw you guys, I'm going home."
Posts: 1,828