Critique my article - Page 2

whoaskew · 02-02-2008, 05:21 PM

Most of my clients are family, friends, and referrals. I plan to write a series of articles about my life experiences to help reach out to them and to help them understand the importance of why they need to speak to me (or someone like me). This is the first article and I will be putting this on myspace bulletin and eventually on my website.

Give me your feedback. Thanks Planet

Drowning

When I was 11 years old, I would go to a day camp during the summer named Minute Circle which had a large swimming pool. One day, I was so determined to be a great swimmer that I walked right past the 4-foot deep section where the other little kids were, and went straight to the 12-foot deep section of the pool. I jumped off the diving board and then sunk.

Within the first few seconds after entering the water, I realized how terrible of a mistake I had made. The blue chlorinated water kept me from being able to see how close I was to the top or bottom of the pool. Panic began to set in as I realized that all my efforts to move were in vain. I calmed myself and tried to think of a rational solution. I initially thought that if I could reach the bottom of the pool, I could push off of it with my legs to propel myself to the top. No matter what I tried I couldn’t get there. I then thought that if I could reach my hand to the top of the water, someone would see me and they would come help. I tried that, but I was too far from the surface for my hand to reach the top.

I stayed there motionless, for what seemed like an eternity. Despite my body’s desperate need for oxygen, I remained calm, at peace. I closed my eyes, and prepared for the inevitable end of my life.

I thought back to many of my experiences, and immediately became aware of the unfulfilled dreams, hopes and plans that I had for my life. I would not be able to help my parents attain a better lifestyle. I would not be there to provide guidance to my younger siblings. I would not be there to be a positive influence on my friends in a neighborhood full of bad influences. I would not have children. I would not be able to teach those children, nourish them, or help them to develop mentally, so that they could become positive influences on society. I would not marry, or ever know what it is like to love someone.

Even at that young age, I was conscious of the fact that I had the potential to have a positive impact on this world. I became full of regret when I realized that very few people would have known that I ever lived, and that I would leave no lasting impression on this world, and no legacy.

When I thought it was too late for me, someone reached out and grabbed my hand. This person pulled me out of the water. I was too busy coughing up water and trying to catch my breath to make out the person’s face. What I do know is that it was a teenage boy, not much older than me who saved my life. It was not too late for me.

Most of you know that I work in financial services helping my clients to build and protect their assets, protecting their income and their family, as well as funding and securing their retirement. In a sense, whether we realize it or not, we are all drowning from the past financial decisions that we have made. This is my attempt to reach out to you. If you don’t talk to me, find someone that you trust that you can talk to. It is not too late for you either.

teedubya · 02-03-2008, 11:01 AM

That was an interesting experience at age 11. Glad someone pulled you out... looks like you are giving it your best effort.

**Fire Me Boy!** · 02-03-2008, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joie

My mom used to keep a picture of Jesus hanging by the front door for the Jehovah's Witnesses. As soon as they gave their speech she'd always answer "Sure, right after you hear about my friend, Jesus Christ." Mortified my dad, but worked like a charm.

I tried to give a JW a copy of L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics once.

Tried to give another the 700-page "Guide to Scientology".

They were books I got 25 cents at a library. Figured one day I could use them, just not sure for what at the time.

The looks on their faces and their reactions were well worth the 50 cents I paid.

View Poll Results: What is your initial reaction
Great!!! It would motivate me to do something	5	35.71%
Crap!!! I wish I had that 5 minutes of my life back.	7	50.00%
I can't read!!!	0	0%
You can't write!!!	0	0%
Undecided	2	14.29%
Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

02-02-2008, 05:21 PM
whoaskew Starter Join Date: Jul 2005 Casino cash: $6901930	Critique my article Most of my clients are family, friends, and referrals. I plan to write a series of articles about my life experiences to help reach out to them and to help them understand the importance of why they need to speak to me (or someone like me). This is the first article and I will be putting this on myspace bulletin and eventually on my website. Give me your feedback. Thanks Planet Drowning When I was 11 years old, I would go to a day camp during the summer named Minute Circle which had a large swimming pool. One day, I was so determined to be a great swimmer that I walked right past the 4-foot deep section where the other little kids were, and went straight to the 12-foot deep section of the pool. I jumped off the diving board and then sunk. Within the first few seconds after entering the water, I realized how terrible of a mistake I had made. The blue chlorinated water kept me from being able to see how close I was to the top or bottom of the pool. Panic began to set in as I realized that all my efforts to move were in vain. I calmed myself and tried to think of a rational solution. I initially thought that if I could reach the bottom of the pool, I could push off of it with my legs to propel myself to the top. No matter what I tried I couldn’t get there. I then thought that if I could reach my hand to the top of the water, someone would see me and they would come help. I tried that, but I was too far from the surface for my hand to reach the top. I stayed there motionless, for what seemed like an eternity. Despite my body’s desperate need for oxygen, I remained calm, at peace. I closed my eyes, and prepared for the inevitable end of my life. I thought back to many of my experiences, and immediately became aware of the unfulfilled dreams, hopes and plans that I had for my life. I would not be able to help my parents attain a better lifestyle. I would not be there to provide guidance to my younger siblings. I would not be there to be a positive influence on my friends in a neighborhood full of bad influences. I would not have children. I would not be able to teach those children, nourish them, or help them to develop mentally, so that they could become positive influences on society. I would not marry, or ever know what it is like to love someone. Even at that young age, I was conscious of the fact that I had the potential to have a positive impact on this world. I became full of regret when I realized that very few people would have known that I ever lived, and that I would leave no lasting impression on this world, and no legacy. When I thought it was too late for me, someone reached out and grabbed my hand. This person pulled me out of the water. I was too busy coughing up water and trying to catch my breath to make out the person’s face. What I do know is that it was a teenage boy, not much older than me who saved my life. It was not too late for me. Most of you know that I work in financial services helping my clients to build and protect their assets, protecting their income and their family, as well as funding and securing their retirement. In a sense, whether we realize it or not, we are all drowning from the past financial decisions that we have made. This is my attempt to reach out to you. If you don’t talk to me, find someone that you trust that you can talk to. It is not too late for you either.
Posts: 403

02-03-2008, 11:01 AM	#16
teedubya Most Valuable Poster Join Date: Oct 2003 Casino cash: $9003042	That was an interesting experience at age 11. Glad someone pulled you out... looks like you are giving it your best effort.
Posts: 36,827