It is untrue that women do not poop

[Delano]

I thought this board may enjoy the following tale of bravery I found on another site.

Story time, children. Gather round.

Many years ago, when I was in high school, I worked at a movie theater. Allow me to preface the story by saying that I pride myself on my ability to accomplish tasks that I find unpleasant. My parents own several section 8 rental properties around Youngstown, and I had been roped into innumerable "This house is a mess, we're not paying anyone to clean it, we feed you, here's a bucket, get started" adventures in my short life. I had dealt with festering diapers left in the open air for months in summer, rotten food, spoiled milk, animal corpses, used hypodermics, anything you could imagine. Cleaning the grease trap in the concession area did not phase me. I was woefully unprepared this day.

I arrived in my polo shirt and slacks through the lobby entrance as some of the theaters were letting out. I could tell immediately something was amiss. One of the managers had put the caution tape we normally used to mark defective chairs over the door to the women's restroom, and was standing in front of the door looking worried. When a patron would try to enter, the manager would stop them, nod apologetically, make a brief "mia culpa" gesture with her hands, and usher them away. When she saw that I had arrived, her eyes immediately brightened and she waved emphatically for me to come over.

"Jenkins," she said, "You want to do something forP me? There's gas cards in it for you."

This should have been my tip off. Gas cards were highly prized commodities in the theater, being given only for the most exemplary service. To receive multiple gas cards was unheard of.

"How many gas cards?" I asked.
"Three."
"What do you want me to do?"
"There's a mess in the first stall. I want you to clean it up."
"Sure, no problem," said 17 year old me, ready to earn the easiest 30 bucks in gas cards of my life. I was naive, and did not expect the horrors that awaited me.

I was allowed entry into the women's restroom, and the first thing I noticed was the smell. It was the foulest thing I have ever smelled to this day. Imagine that a dozen homeless people are filming a scat porn with a dead dolphin inside a sweat lodge inside a paper mill next to the Jersey River in August. That pales in comparison to the unholy aroma permeating the room; its soft pink tiles ironic in the face of such an insidious odor.


After leaving the room to get a lungful of fresh air, I held my breath and proceeded to open the stall door there. What I was to bear witness to was a travesty. What had been done to that stall could not have been done by any creature, human or animal, but rather some breed of deranged shit demon conjured from the 8th circle of hell for the sole purpose of wreaking psychopathic excrement torture on the souls of the living.

Before me sat what I would estimate to be about two gallons of sludge-like human waste, coating the area immediately surrounding the toilet as if it had been somehow weaponized. It had caked the toilet, formed a 3 foot halo around the toilet, splattered and stuck to the back wall, caked itself onto the toilet paper dispenser, seeped into the little bin used for sanitary napkin disposal, and caked itself in a Pollock-esque pattern on the stall doors. Amongst the refuse, draped over the toilet's handle and pump was a medium-sized woman's cardigan that had originally been white, but appeared to have been subjected to a profane fecal tie-dye. To imagine this volume of crap being expelled from a living thing's anus in such volume and with such velocity as to form the specific pattern of disaster in front of me was to break the natural and physical laws of the universe. To look into that first stall was to look upon the face of God, and know with certainty that he is an angry and terrible God. Beware ye who would fight monsters, for when one stares into the shit abyss, the shit abyss stares back.

I left the restroom to prepare for my struggle against the cesspool. I donned gauntlets of nitrile, blue and sterile as the cleanest lagoon. From a hefty bag, I fashioned a hauberk and adorned my shoes and shins with packaging from frozen pretzels, held securely in place with rubber bands. I gathered 8 rolls of paper towels, three additional hefty bags, a mop and two extra mop heads, a bucket, and two gallons of green, undiluted industrial strength disinfectant. To finish my raiment, I stole the face mask from the blood born pathogen kit and doused it in industrial air freshener so that I could smell pine groves clearly when it was extended to arms length.

The battle began and raged for two hours that passed in a blur. I lost all sense of time. I forgot my hopes and dreams. I forgot my name. In retrospect, this may have been because I had doused a face mask in aerosol air freshener and was higher than an entire Phish concert. I scrubbed. I worked. I cursed. The battle raged on, and new enemies were discovered. In addition to the cardigan, there was a pair of formerly pink ankle socks. Anything that was not held in place by bolts or mortar had to be removed and destroyed.

In the end, I was victorious. I lost a lot of good men. The mop and mop bucket died valiantly in the effort, and were given a burial with full honors in the dumpster behind the theater. Because they were not proud men, and the general manager had a fragile temperament, whenever she inquired about them afterwards I maintained that they were lost. They would have wanted it that way.

I went on to leave the theater for college later that year, but the employees still talk of it to this day. I am the shitslayer.

TL;DR: It is untrue that girls do not poop.

[rtmike]

The other morning I woke up hearing a high pitched gas explosion & immediately thought, "Damnit, now I gotta smell her rotten ass." It occurred to me the wife & daughter were out @ her parents' for the night so I immediately sat up to see our Golden squirting out a puddle on the bathroom floor. First time that's ever happened. It was feeding time so I thought he was getting impatient when he tried to get me up.

My wife will not crap anywhere but home. I can't help but wonder how some thing that looks that good can stink so bad?

[TLO]

Only fat women poop. The poop a lot.

[Chiefs Pantalones]

Originally Posted by Big Smoke

Only fat women poop. The poop a lot.

Only fat and minority women poop. Black, Native American (hell I live around a bunch here in AZ and it's like their perfume) and Mexican women all stink it up so bad that you can smell it in the hallway of a theater and/or store. It's probably the food they eat, which isn't healthy for them. lol

[Pablo]

Originally Posted by Demonpenz

You ever take a shit that smells so bad the janitor swears that he is going back to school so he never has to clean a bathroom again?

I took a shit earlier tonight that crept through the entire house. It dominated every molecule. It smelled like hot beer was poured onto fresh cat shit.

[ThaVirus]

The OP and Shogun's stories were amusing.

[TLO]

There used to be a very large group of Indian people that hung out in this one building at Northwest. Granted they smelled bad in the first place, but when they gathered, the odor was UN-immaginable. If you happened to meet one as they were walking out of the bathroom... You were better off just shitting your pants. That bathroom needed to be put on lockdown.

[Dr. Johnny Fever]

Gf just pooped then wanted to cuddle. I told her to go to bed.

[Chiefs Pantalones]

I told my wife that if she ever farted around me I'd divorce her.

[Dr. Johnny Fever]

Originally Posted by PostRockPablo

I took a shit earlier tonight that crept through the entire house. It dominated every molecule. It smelled like hot beer was poured onto fresh cat shit.

Been laughing for 2 solid minutes.

[TLO]

Originally Posted by Demonpenz

You ever take a shit that smells so bad the janitor swears that he is going back to school so he never has to clean a bathroom again?

Are you that janitor?

[griZZly64]

this thread is ****in hilar

[RealSNR]

Originally Posted by Demonpenz

You ever take a shit that smells so bad the janitor swears that he is going back to school so he never has to clean a bathroom again?

That's funny, because my goal in life is to one day make such a large mess out of a public bathroom that it requires educated people to clean it up.

Like, we're talking planning and strategy. At least 10 types of chemicals, and one of them should be something you can't just buy over the counter. Machinery should be used. Making lists. Hiring EXTRA people to complete the task as efficiently as possible or face the wrath of what my poop might bring.

[Dr. Johnny Fever]

3 weeks ago I pooped in the handicap stall at the mall. **** you I was picking up a gift for my daughter, that's why I was at the mall. Anyway... apparently the toilet was already clogged because my job wasn't particularly impressive nor was the paperwork. It over-flowded and ran all over the floor. Luckily there was a drain in the floor but the mess was left behind. I felt sorry for the unlucky janitor who had to clean that up but wtf was I suppossed to do?

I left without a worry.

No I'm not handicapped but no one else was around and their stalls are so large and luxurious...

[rtmike]

Originally Posted by Dr. Johnny Fever

3 weeks ago I pooped in the handicap stall at the mall. **** you I was picking up a gift for my daughter, that's why I was at the mall. Anyway... apparently the toilet was already clogged because my job wasn't particularly impressive nor was the paperwork. It over-flowded and ran all over the floor. Luckily there was a drain in the floor but the mess was left behind. I felt sorry for the unlucky janitor who had to clean that up but wtf was I suppossed to do?

I left without a worry.

No I'm not handicapped but no one else was around and their stalls are so large and luxurious...

Good for you. I'm not handicapped either. I just push this chair around for the parking.


Happens all the time. There can be 10 stalls & 1 handicap. The able bodied person will use the hdcp stall 90% of the time. After all they're very large & comfy so why not be comfortable while leaving your fecal behind.

And in those instances I have zero problems cathing right out in the open. Sure, I might be able to jam myself into one of those regular stalls but the door would be open anyways. So I back right up to the occupied hdcp stall & do my thing. There sure are lotsa squeamish grown men.

[Dr. Johnny Fever]

Originally Posted by rtmike

Good for you. I'm not handicapped either. I just push this chair around for the parking.


Happens all the time. There can be 10 stalls & 1 handicap. The able bodied person will use the hdcp stall 90% of the time. After all they're very large & comfy so why not be comfortable while leaving your fecal behind.

And in those instances I have zero problems cathing right out in the open. Sure, I might be able to jam myself into one of those regular stalls but the door would be open anyways. So I back right up to the occupied hdcp stall & do my thing. There sure are lotsa squeamish grown men.

I have a gift for posting the wrong thing at the wrong time. It's a calling I think.

FWIW the toilet looked free and clear... until I flushed. Then all hell broke loose. Oh and I didn't mention the only other stall was dirty.