Life The Most Deranged Sorority Girl Email You Will Ever Read - Page 10

**jAZ** · 04-18-2013, 12:33 PM

As one of the commentors said: a sorority-girl Ari Gold.

NSFW words, language. Hidden for the your safety.

http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-d...will-ever-read

Here's the full email (with the author's name changed):

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough ****ing ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been ****ING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so ****ing AWKWARD and so ****ing BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to ****ing find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying ****, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying ****, about how much you ****ing love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the ****ing year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I ****ing repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not ****ing possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE ****ING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE ****ING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE ****ING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people ****ing reeruned? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE **** WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a **** if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do ****ing NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID ****ING ASS HATS, IT ****ING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW ****ING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN ****ING UP AT SOBER ****ING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being ****ing WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not ****ing funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. ****ing. Team. ARE YOU ****ING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU ****ING BLIND? Or are you just so ****ing dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE ****ING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR ****ING MATCHUP. I will ****ing **** punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a **** if you SOR me, I WILL ****ING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

I'm not ****ing kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not ****ing awkward than 80 that are ****ing pillowbitergots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't ****ing show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to ****ing God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a ****. Go **** yourself.

Prison Bitch · 04-18-2013, 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 'Hamas' Jenkins

Thanks for the update on my past. Anything else you want to inform me on about the life you haven't lived and I have?

Not really. Just stop lying about your sexual prowess.

I do like most of your posts though, so don't change that. Especially not for a prison bitch like me.

'Hamas' Jenkins · 04-18-2013, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Prison Bitch

Not really. Just stop lying about your sexual prowess.

Even banjo hitters go deep sometimes.

Bambi · 04-18-2013, 04:02 PM

Pics and tweets make her more awesome.

'Hamas' Jenkins · 04-18-2013, 04:04 PM

The problem with girls like that is that they know that guys will still want to **** them so they can act like the biggest **** imaginable with little consequence.

Strongside · 04-18-2013, 04:08 PM

This chick looks and sounds identical to my brother's ex. She was knocked up and thought it was his. Baby came out Asian...crisis averted. She was hot as hell but she was a huge bitch, sorority slut and an all-around bad person. Our mom would have killed her entire family by now if that kid had been his.

Hammock Parties · 04-18-2013, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 'Hamas' Jenkins

I did not use many, many co-eds for dirty things. I probably fooled around with a total of like ten girls in college.

I'm disappointed.

Strongside · 04-18-2013, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wonton Prejudice

I'm disappointed.

Clay lives vicariously through his fantastical illusions of Hamas Jenkins' life. His soul has been crushed.

Hammock Parties · 04-18-2013, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Strongside

Clay lives vicariously through his fantastical illusions of Hamas Jenkins' life. His soul has been crushed.

I live vicariously through ANYONE who created tales of hedonism in their formative years.

Prison Bitch · 04-18-2013, 04:17 PM

Chick is hot. Period.

**Bob Dole** · 04-18-2013, 04:26 PM

Can't really blame someone for not wanting to hang out with Snakes...

BlackHelicopters · 04-18-2013, 04:35 PM

Wait. What?

**Tribal Warfare** · 04-18-2013, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wonton Prejudice

HER TWEETS ARE GOLD, JERRY

these can't be real

Hammock Parties · 04-18-2013, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tribal Warfare

these can't be real

Nickel D · 04-18-2013, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jAZ

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough ****ing ride.
[/I][/INDENT]

Somebody with a huge ****in' black **** needs to tie HER down to a chair and give her a rough ****ing ride.

BlackHelicopters · 04-18-2013, 04:56 PM

Does anyone have pics of any alleged "**** punting"? Thanks in advance.

04-18-2013, 12:33 PM
jAZ Supporter Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Tucson, AZ Casino cash: $9817493	The Most Deranged Sorority Girl Email You Will Ever Read As one of the commentors said: a sorority-girl Ari Gold. NSFW words, language. Hidden for the your safety. http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-d...will-ever-read Here's the full email (with the author's name changed): If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough **ing ride. For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been ING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so ing AWKWARD and so ing BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to ing find you on campus to do it myself. I do not give a flying , and Sigma Nu does not give a flying , about how much you ing love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the ing year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I ing repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not ing possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE ING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE ING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE ING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people ing reeruned? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do ing NOT convince other girls to leave with you. "But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID ING ASS HATS, IT ING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW ING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN ING UP AT SOBER ING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being ing WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not ing funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. ing. Team. ARE YOU ING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU ING BLIND? Or are you just so ing dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE ING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR ING MATCHUP. I will ing punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a if you SOR me, I WILL ING ASSAULT YOU. "Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you: DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT. I'm not ing kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not ing awkward than 80 that are ing pillowbitergots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't ing show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to ing God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me. And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a . Go ** yourself.
Posts: 24,800

04-18-2013, 04:02 PM	#138
Bambi Banned Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: New York City Casino cash: $10036993	Pics and tweets make her more awesome.
Posts: 17,810

04-18-2013, 04:04 PM	#139
'Hamas' Jenkins Now you've pissed me off! Join Date: Jan 2006 Casino cash: $7269572	The problem with girls like that is that they know that guys will still want to ** them so they can act like the biggest ** imaginable with little consequence. __________________ "When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read 'all men are created equal, except negroes, and foreigners, and Catholics.' When it comes to this I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretense of loving liberty – to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure, and without the base alloy of hypocrisy.”--Abraham Lincoln
Posts: 75,077

04-18-2013, 04:08 PM	#140
Strongside Mahomes or GTFO Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: KC Casino cash: $4354282	This chick looks and sounds identical to my brother's ex. She was knocked up and thought it was his. Baby came out Asian...crisis averted. She was hot as hell but she was a huge bitch, sorority slut and an all-around bad person. Our mom would have killed her entire family by now if that kid had been his. __________________
Posts: 13,237

04-18-2013, 04:17 PM	#144
Prison Bitch Rabbi Goldmann Join Date: Nov 2012 Casino cash: $5450159	Chick is hot. Period.
Posts: 87,025

04-18-2013, 04:26 PM	#145
Bob Dole King Shit of **** Mountain Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Texarkana, Texas Casino cash: $-1124563	Can't really blame someone for not wanting to hang out with Snakes...
Posts: 51,534

04-18-2013, 04:35 PM	#146
BlackHelicopters Spiraling down the Drain Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Dante's Ninth Circle Casino cash: $-689412	Wait. What? __________________ "We're both part of the same hypocrisy, Senator, but never think it applies to my family." "Fredo. You are my brother, and I love you. But never take sides against the Family again. Ever." 2019 Adopt a Chief - Travis Kelce #87
Posts: 33,282

04-18-2013, 04:56 PM	#150
BlackHelicopters Spiraling down the Drain Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Dante's Ninth Circle Casino cash: $-689412	Does anyone have pics of any alleged "**** punting"? Thanks in advance. __________________ "We're both part of the same hypocrisy, Senator, but never think it applies to my family." "Fredo. You are my brother, and I love you. But never take sides against the Family again. Ever." 2019 Adopt a Chief - Travis Kelce #87
Posts: 33,282