I think there might be bears in my back yard.

[Rain Man]

Last night, my wife came to me and said that she's seeing "bear spots" in our yard. She took me outside and, lo and behold, there are several places in the yard where all the grass is gone, presumably the result of bears rolling around or something.

(By the way, I don't know much about bear behavior, but I did notice that they must seem to like the spots in our yard that get the most sun. So be careful if you're in a sunny area.)

Now I'm afraid to go outside. My wife says that she can call a company to take care of the bear spots, but that's not going to fix the core problem of bears rolling around outside just feet from my house. My wife thinks this isn't a big deal, but I'm worried. Any suggestions?

[Amnorix]

Originally Posted by Phobia

My apologies for that picture. I thought it was one I had edited Shaq's face onto. I can't locate that one so my joke was pretty lame - like most of my jokes, actually.

You'll noticed nobody commented because it was pretty much par for the course for you.

[NewChief]

Originally Posted by Phobia

My apologies for that picture. I thought it was one I had edited Shaq's face onto. I can't locate that one so my joke was pretty lame - like most of my jokes, actually.

You should have put in a butt-kissing clause in your negotiations with Kyle.

*All posters will laugh at Phobia's jokes and respect his authority as a part-owner of the Planet

[trndobrd]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

So bears take drugs? Man, there's so much that I don't know.

Another Junkie...

[Bowser]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

These are all good suggestions so far. My wife seems to think the problem can be solved by just spreading a bunch of fertilizer around, but come on. These are bears we're talking about.

I'm thinking maybe a rhino. I'll bet bears hate rhinos.

There you have it! Get the rhino, set the bear on fire, and the rhino will kill it by stomping out the fire!

And you thought you had a crisis on your hands. Pffft!

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Phobia

My apologies for that picture. I thought it was one I had edited Shaq's face onto. I can't locate that one so my joke was pretty lame - like most of my jokes, actually.

I just assumed it was a prelude to another one of your racist diatribes.

Originally Posted by Rain Man

I just assumed it was a prelude to another one of your racist diatribes.

It's not really racist until I paste the face of Rosie O'Donnell onto the head of a Polar Bear.

[Otter]

Originally Posted by NewChief

Bears get really bad around Denver this time of the year. They even saw one at Elitch Gardens once! They're coming out of hibernation hungry. I bet he's feasting in your garbage and then rolling around afterwards to aid digestion. Tell your wife you need to invest in some bear traps.

If I somehow manage to miss the thread that details how Rain Man dealt with pissed off bear caught in a trap in his back yard before leaving for work please someone call or email me.

[chiefs4me]

Oh you lucky man to have them right in your backyard.....please leave some honey out for them. They have been sleeping all winter long and they need to get their energy back......

[NewChief]

Originally Posted by Otter

If I somehow manage to miss the thread that details how Rain Man dealt with pissed off bear caught in a trap in his back yard before leaving for work please someone call or email me.

From http://www.bigbeartrap.com

Making a humane bear trap:

Think fly paper, only bigger.

Material List:
1. Invest in one of those big blue tarps from Wal-Mart
2. Multi-gallon container of super glue.
3. Gallon of honey.

Directions:
Spread out tarp over "bear spot." Quickly spread super glue onto tarp. This step must be done quickly so super glue does not set. Quickly spread honey over super glue. The honey's purpose is two-fold: 1) it serves as an attractant to the bear, 2) the super glue will not set when it's covered with a layer of honey.

Step back and wait for bear to become trapped on tarp. Call your local bear rescue when you've trapped the bear.

[bogie]

Dig a deep hole and fill it with ashes. When the bear comes up, sneak up behind him and kick him in the ash hole. I know it's old but I like it.

[Mark M]

http://www.bowhunting.net/susieq/bear.html

MM
~~

[bogie]

Originally Posted by Mark M

http://www.bowhunting.net/susieq/bear.html

MM
~~

My mouth is watering.

[JimNasium]

I think some of the folks on the bored could use some bare shit repellent.

[Calcountry]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Last night, my wife came to me and said that she's seeing "bear spots" in our yard. She took me outside and, lo and behold, there are several places in the yard where all the grass is gone, presumably the result of bears rolling around or something.

(By the way, I don't know much about bear behavior, but I did notice that they must seem to like the spots in our yard that get the most sun. So be careful if you're in a sunny area.)

Now I'm afraid to go outside. My wife says that she can call a company to take care of the bear spots, but that's not going to fix the core problem of bears rolling around outside just feet from my house. My wife thinks this isn't a big deal, but I'm worried. Any suggestions?

Kill them immediately.

[ZootedGranny]

NewChiefs first post becomes a lot funnier when you think of the gay slang reference for "bear."