Why do I do it to myself?

[Hootie]

I went to the movies last night...bought a large tub of popcorn...extra extra butter...lots of salt...(I was a little drunk) and proceeded to max out on the thing and eat 80% of it (way too much)...

Right now I am so uncomfortable...I can't move. This has happened before. One time in high school I had mono, and it was the worst month long feeling I've ever had.

I compare this feeling to what, at that time, felt like my deathbed. I can't quite describe it...my stomach feels awful...if I move I feel like I'm going to vomit...and all I can taste is that disgusting butter taste and it makes me think of that popcorn which in turn makes me want to vomit even more.

And then I look around at my apartment that apparently went through a mini tornado last night and my roommates dirty dishes which again, make me want to vomit and off myself.

I hate life right now.

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Originally Posted by Hootie

Man, when Steve and I tell these stories to co-workers (we've worked together in Champaign/Normal and Chicago)...girls find them ridiculously funny. I don't know what it is...the whole bromance thing? But NONE of them ever think we're gay...or even question it...and I've learned when you hang out with the same people on a daily basis...girls are going to go for the guys they find funny and personable...so if these stories make me funny and personable to them and get me laid...awesome.

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I don't recall ever meeting a girl that I'd want to spend more than two seconds with who would be intrigued by the story of a guy shoving a toothpick up his piss hole, nor would any of them find the idea of guys pissing on each other while sharing a shower to be anything other than disturbing.

[Hootie]

Originally Posted by keg in kc

Next he's going tell us how he's passed-out with a dick in his mouth and a dick in his ass, and one in either hand, but that's not nearly as bad as seeing a girl pee.

I think you'd really have to know us to get it...

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I realize a lot of people are REALLY homophobic. I don't know what it is...penis doesn't gross any of us out...

I guess we're starting to see that with all the flaccid penis being shown in those Appatow movies.

Our high school was ridiculous...I remember Darren doing his beat box and Steve dancing to it with a sock over his penis when grown adults or teachers would walk in and shake their heads and say, "didn't really feel like seeing that today Steve!"

Memories.

[Hootie]

Originally Posted by DeezNutz

What's the big deal? There's mouth wash. /Hootie/

I did get into a BIG argument with my friend Sean...

I told him sucking a dick would be cleaner than sucking a finger...and he got really mad about it.

[ChiTown]

Originally Posted by 'Hamas' Jenkins

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I don't recall ever meeting a girl that I'd want to spend more than two seconds with who would be intrigued by the story of a guy shoving a toothpick up his piss hole, nor would any of them find the idea of guys pissing on each other while sharing a shower to be anything other than disturbing.

She does.........

[keg in kc]

I'm not homophobic either, but I'm also not a window shopper at the meat market.

That's just weird, dude.

Next you'll be telling us you love visiting men's rooms in public parks because of the sausages that dangle out of the little holes in the side of the stalls.

[Katipan]

Originally Posted by 'Hamas' Jenkins

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I don't recall ever meeting a girl that I'd want to spend more than two seconds with who would be intrigued by the story of a guy shoving a toothpick up his piss hole, nor would any of them find the idea of guys pissing on each other while sharing a shower to be anything other than disturbing.

I have a mild fascination with the idea that someone could be so proud of his disturbia. But I'd be happy watching from the opposite end of the bar.

[Hootie]

Originally Posted by 'Hamas' Jenkins

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I don't recall ever meeting a girl that I'd want to spend more than two seconds with who would be intrigued by the story of a guy shoving a toothpick up his piss hole, nor would any of them find the idea of guys pissing on each other while sharing a shower to be anything other than disturbing.

Well I just referenced three different locations with three different groups of people...and without trying to sound like a total douche bag...Steve and I were always among the more popular crowd with the people we worked with.

Perhaps it's delivery? I'm not sure. I think it helps when these people realize that we're totally heterosexual...I don't know? All I know is, the majority of girls I've hooked up with since high school have been co-workers, or girls introduced to me by co-workers...

[DeezNutz]

WTF high school did you go to?

My HS had a lot of male teachers. Most former athletes and big guys, all coaches, too. If they witnessed me pulling a "sock dance," they would have literally shoved my head up my ass.

This kind of bullshit didn't fly when I went to school. We were expected to do crazy shit, like listen and be respectful. If I didn't, I paid a price.

[Iowanian]

I ran with some wild bastards over the years and none of the shit frootie is describing is either funny, normal, or heterosexual. You live in a roman bathhouse for morAns.

[DeezNutz]

Originally Posted by Hootie

I did get into a BIG argument with my friend Sean...

I told him sucking a dick would be cleaner than sucking a finger...and he got really mad about it.

Technically, without the pop this might be true, but I'd still take my chances with the finger.

[Hootie]

Originally Posted by keg in kc

I'm not homophobic either, but I'm also not a window shopper at the meat market.

That's just weird, dude.

Next you'll be telling us you love visiting men's rooms in public parks because of the sausages that dangle out of the little holes in the side of the stalls.

Dude I was playing Halo in my roommates room a month ago...and before my Xbox broke, my friend and other roommate were playing split screen in the living room...

Between games...I thought to myself...what is the absolute GAYEST thing I could do right now to shock them...

So I took off all of my clothes and crawled into the living room on all fours.

True story.

Steve always used to like to say to me..."you're 23 years old."

He has a point.

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Originally Posted by Hootie

I think you'd really have to know us to get it...

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I realize a lot of people are REALLY homophobic. I don't know what it is...penis doesn't gross any of us out...

I guess we're starting to see that with all the flaccid penis being shown in those Appatow movies.

Our high school was ridiculous...I remember Darren doing his beat box and Steve dancing to it with a sock over his penis when grown adults or teachers would walk in and shake their heads and say, "didn't really feel like seeing that today Steve!"

Memories.

I'm about as liberal as they come. I lived with a gay, black cross-dresser for a year and a half.

The behavior that you are displaying suggests a pretty twisted psyche. The reactions have little to do with homophobia, you're basically openly talking about your enjoyment of water sports.

It also seems to be escalating behavior. Say what you will, and I'm not trying to bludgeon you with normative behavior, but taking group showers, pissing on each other, leaving out used dick socks and period rags, and not caring about STDs doesn't bespeak of enlightenment, it's far more indicative of a gross psychological disorder.

Congratulations, though. You've got the attention you so desperately crave.

[keg in kc]

Originally Posted by Hootie

Dude I was playing Halo in my roommates room a month ago...and before my Xbox broke, my friend and other roommate were playing split screen in the living room...

Between games...I thought to myself...what is the absolute GAYEST thing I could do right now to shock them...

So I took off all of my clothes and crawled into the living room on all fours.

Well, at least you stopped before the "and sucked them all off before having them jack off onto my face" part.

[Hootie]

Originally Posted by DeezNutz

WTF high school did you go to?

My HS had a lot of male teachers. Most former athletes and big guys, all coaches, too. If they witnessed me pulling a "sock dance," they would have literally shoved my head up my ass.

This kind of bullshit didn't fly when I went to school. We were expected to do crazy shit, like listen and be respectful. If I didn't, I paid a price.

It wasn't just my class, it was every class. The locker room was a zoo...the QB a year older than us, friend of mine who played baseball with us (our class was the baseball class), got a 1 day in-school suspension for pissing on some dude on the shower who told on him

The ongoing joke every time someone got an actual suspension was..."you're telling me telling a teacher to **** off warrants a 3 day suspension, but pissing on someone in a shower gets you a 1 day, in-school suspension!?"

[ChiTown]

Originally Posted by Hootie

Dude I was playing Halo in my roommates room a month ago...and before my Xbox broke, my friend and other roommate were playing split screen in the living room...

Between games...I thought to myself...what is the absolute GAYEST thing I could do right now to shock them...

So I took off all of my clothes and crawled into the living room on all fours.

True story.

Steve always used to like to say to me..."you're 23 years old."

He has a point.

Are you sure you aren't just reciting stories from Letters to Manhole Magazine?