Football Chris Kluwe Joins A Chat...

listopencil · 08-02-2012, 12:31 PM

Minnesota Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe Is Here To Take Your Questions

Dom Cosentino

OK, gang. As promised, Chris Kluwe is ready to take shit from you. He's at the Vikings' training camp in Mankato, Minn., waiting on food and hoping a thunderstorm doesn't knock down the dorm the team's staying in. Ask him anything about anything by firing away down in the discussion below.
Who knows, if this goes as well as we think it will, maybe we can convince Kluwe to get Christian Ponder or Jared Allen or Adrian Peterson to join the conversation. FYI: Kluwe will also be the guest narrator for next week's edition of Hickey's Tuesday Night Fights. Kinja! Now! Go!

Update (11:49 p.m.): Chat's over. Kluwe has to get some sleep. We can't thank him enough for joining us tonight. Feel free to browse through the questions and marvel at all of his answers below. Trust us, you won't regret it.

http://deadspin.com/5930992/minnesot...your-questions

listopencil · 08-02-2012, 12:31 PM

Among the responses:

FaustoCarmona1 16 hours ago
Why do you get mad at so many things? Youre such an angry person, at least on twitter

Chris Kluwe 16 hours ago

**** you you ****ing ****. I never get mad and I hope you get molested by a herpes infested goat.

**Mr. Flopnuts** · 08-02-2012, 02:34 PM

Reading through it, the dude is witty, smart, and probably trolls internet message boards in his spare time for fun. In fact, The Talking Can may in fact be Chris Kluwe.

Sofa King · 08-02-2012, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Flopnuts

Reading through it, the dude is witty, smart, and probably trolls internet message boards in his spare time for fun. In fact, The Talking Can may in fact be Chris Kluwe.

His twitter account is hilarious. https://twitter.com/ChrisWarcraft

Read his updates on his "Adrian Abs" workout. Hilarious.

listopencil · 08-02-2012, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hulk Hogan

His twitter account is hilarious. https://twitter.com/ChrisWarcraft

Read his updates on his "Adrian Abs" workout. Hilarious.

"Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus, and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?"

listopencil · 08-02-2012, 03:22 PM

Today I told our strength coach my goal is to leave training camp with a six pack. His response - "There's a liquor store down the street".

listopencil · 08-04-2012, 05:19 PM

Kluwe explains the "frothing dingleberry" comment:

Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe Explains Why He Thinks Joey Porter Is “A Frothing Dingleberry”

Dom Cosentino

There was so much goodness in our rollicking Chris Kluwe live chat from the other night that it almost seems unfair to single out just one of Kluwe's responses. But one answer in particular caught my eye and demanded some additional details:

Joey Porter is the only person on my jerk list, because he's a frothing dingleberry.

Eight years in the NFL, and Kluwe only has one guy on his "jerk list"? What the hell could Porter have done to him to make Kluwe feel that way? With Porter formally retiring as a Steeler tonight—is that even necessary, by the way?—I put the question to Kluwe via email this afternoon. He quickly wrote back to tell the whole story:

So here's my Joey Porter story. My rookie year in Week 11 or 12 we were playing the Lions and I ended up tearing my ACL in my kicking leg in the second quarter, and then almost breaking my ankle in the third quarter when a guy dove in on a punt, missed the ball and landed right on my plant leg. Was out for the next game because I couldn't walk (they brought Darren Bennet back in to punt, I think it was against the Rams but not totally sure) and the week after that we played the Steelers (I didn't know I had a torn ACL at the time because the former team doctors and training staff told me it was just "damaged"). So here I am warming up before the game, trying to figure out how I'm going to kick the ball with no plant foot and no leg snap in my kicking leg, and still a rookie so absolutely determined that there's no way in hell I'm coming off the field and letting someone else take my job.

Enter Joey Porter. Apparently he had this thing where he would claim the entire half of the field the Steelers were warming up on and harass anyone on the opposing team that came across the 50 (the NFL rules are that each team gets to the 45-yard line to warm up with the intervening 10 yards as a buffer zone, in reality the punters and kickers still use this space because we simply don't have enough room to warm up otherwise and no one cares). So I'm finishing up my warmups, hitting plus 50s from their 45, and he comes wandering over and starts barking "I need my 50, I need my 50." At this point their team is stretching on the 30-yard line, so I give him my best "What the **** kind of mouth breather are you?" look and continue warming up. He then posts up right behind me, pretends like he's stretching, and starts bumping me as I'm punting.

Now Darren Bennet was still on the team but hadn't dressed for the game, as it was a gameday decision on whether or not I'd be able to punt, so he's sitting on the bench in warmups talking to a couple people. Once Joey starts pulling his shit Darren comes flying off the bench, gets up in Joey's face and starts shoving him back; I don't know if you ever saw Darren in person but he's a big guy and isn't afraid to level someone. I'm kind of just staring now because I have no idea what's going on (as well as currently possessing zero functional lower limbs), and then a couple of their dudes come flying in, a couple of our dudes come flying in, and there's a minor fracas for several minutes until the refs get everyone separated. They then tell me I need to move over to my side of the field, which is completely too short for me to punt on, so I say "Fine, whatever," line up on the 30 facing the Steelers' side and start dropping punts over where their linebackers are trying to warm up, with a special emphasis on aiming at Joey. About six punts later the head ref comes over and tells me I need to scoot back, so I tell him "Nope, I'm on my side and I need to get ready for the game" and proceed to punt at the linebackers for their entire warmup session.

Long story short, Joey Porter's an asshole and I'm really sad I wasn't able to get him to roll an ankle or blow out a knee stepping on a loose ball. In my entire career he's the only person I've ever met that's been a total dickhead.

Addendum: Another team pretty notorious for screwing with punter warmups were the Cowboys under Wade Phillips; they'd come out to stretch like an hour and a half before the game (which is right in the middle of the kicker/punter warmup time) and cover the entire half of their field so you couldn't use it. Every time they did, I'd just start launching balls into their stretch lines. I don't know if they still do it, but **** 'em if they can't show some common courtesy.

http://deadspin.com/5931687/vikings-...ng-dingleberry

MoreLemonPledge · 08-04-2012, 06:48 PM

I read this a few days ago and laughed my ass off. I don't know how he doesn't get fined for some of the stuff he says, but it is kind of refreshing to hear an athlete be himself and not just talk about JUST GRINDIN WHILE EVERYONE ELSE HAVIN DINNER AND SLEEPIN or any number of trite "just want to go out and play the game I love" bullshit.

**kysirsoze** · 08-04-2012, 06:57 PM

I like the idea of Darren Bennet shoving Joey Porter around.

DJ's left nut · 08-23-2012, 09:24 AM

Must. Sign. Chris. Kluwe:

http://deadspin.com/5937256?utm_camp...ium=socialflow

A tongue-in-cheek response to Magary's "Why your team sucks" series (Kluwe and Magary get along well)

Quote:

1. Drew Magary is a bloviating turkey tit. Let's face it, every time Drew Magary decides to post something it's an absolute guarantee that he'll spend four paragraphs self-indulgently masturbating his ego with how many multi-syllable words he can fit into one sentence while making hyperbolic statements that would shame Baron von Münchausen. We get it Drew, you got high honors from the University of Phoenix Online. Now shut the **** up so we can read something that doesn't take five hours to finish.

2. The community of commentators gargles donkey dick. Every time I scroll down to the comments section of a Deadspin article I feel like I've just tuned into an episode of Sesame Street where The Count has suffered a debilitating stroke. "Plus one. Ha... ha... ha... Plus one. Ha... ha... ha... Plus one. " What the hell are you paint-huffing work dodgers counting up to anyways? The number of times you can cram a fistful of Cheetohs into your slobbering gullet as you furiously masturbate to My Little Brony porn? The chance that you'll die alone, sad and miserable, with only a legacy of failure and disgrace to mark all the perfectly good oxygen you wasted? Stop ****ing counting. It's giving me the creeps. Oh, and just a heads up: None of your witty comments are remotely witty. In fact, every time you post, the corpse of Samuel Clemens spins in his grave and screams, "YOU BUNCH OF STUPID ****S ARE RUINING AMERICA."

3. Half of these goddamn articles are a complete waste of time. Like this. And this. And especially this. There's absolutely no reason I should be forced to slog through this mind-numbing pageview padding when all I want to do is read about Adrian Peterson's 15th rushing touchdown in a game, or how Christian Ponder just saved a convent full of nuns from dickzombies. You're supposed to be reporting about sports, not some TMZ-type garbage that would make Ryan Seacrest shit himself in embarassment. Just do your ****ing job right every time—it's not that hard.

**bevischief** · 08-23-2012, 12:15 PM

Just got done reading the chat.

Discuss Thrower · 08-23-2012, 12:39 PM

Kluwe might be my favorite NFL personality.

vailpass · 08-23-2012, 12:42 PM

Kluwe is water skiing in a leather jacket right about now...

MoreLemonPledge · 08-23-2012, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vailpass

Kluwe is water skiing in a leather jacket right about now...

He does this kind of stuff all the time.

Hammock Parties · 08-23-2012, 01:01 PM

****ing punters, man

they got the life

08-02-2012, 12:31 PM
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $-914120	Chris Kluwe Joins A Chat... Minnesota Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe Is Here To Take Your Questions Dom Cosentino OK, gang. As promised, Chris Kluwe is ready to take shit from you. He's at the Vikings' training camp in Mankato, Minn., waiting on food and hoping a thunderstorm doesn't knock down the dorm the team's staying in. Ask him anything about anything by firing away down in the discussion below. Who knows, if this goes as well as we think it will, maybe we can convince Kluwe to get Christian Ponder or Jared Allen or Adrian Peterson to join the conversation. FYI: Kluwe will also be the guest narrator for next week's edition of Hickey's Tuesday Night Fights. Kinja! Now! Go! Update (11:49 p.m.): Chat's over. Kluwe has to get some sleep. We can't thank him enough for joining us tonight. Feel free to browse through the questions and marvel at all of his answers below. Trust us, you won't regret it. http://deadspin.com/5930992/minnesot...your-questions
Posts: 56,824

08-02-2012, 12:31 PM	#2
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $-914120	Among the responses: FaustoCarmona1 16 hours ago Why do you get mad at so many things? Youre such an angry person, at least on twitter Chris Kluwe 16 hours ago ** you you ing . I never get mad and I hope you get molested by a herpes infested goat. __________________ While you live, shine. Have no grief at all. Life exists only for a short while and time demands its toll.**
Posts: 56,824

08-02-2012, 03:22 PM	#6
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $-914120	Today I told our strength coach my goal is to leave training camp with a six pack. His response - "There's a liquor store down the street". __________________ *While you live, shine. Have no grief at all. Life exists only for a short while and time demands its toll.*
Posts: 56,824

08-04-2012, 05:19 PM	#7
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $-914120	Kluwe explains the "frothing dingleberry" comment: Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe Explains Why He Thinks Joey Porter Is “A Frothing Dingleberry” Dom Cosentino There was so much goodness in our rollicking Chris Kluwe live chat from the other night that it almost seems unfair to single out just one of Kluwe's responses. But one answer in particular caught my eye and demanded some additional details: Joey Porter is the only person on my jerk list, because he's a frothing dingleberry. Eight years in the NFL, and Kluwe only has one guy on his "jerk list"? What the hell could Porter have done to him to make Kluwe feel that way? With Porter formally retiring as a Steeler tonight—is that even necessary, by the way?—I put the question to Kluwe via email this afternoon. He quickly wrote back to tell the whole story: So here's my Joey Porter story. My rookie year in Week 11 or 12 we were playing the Lions and I ended up tearing my ACL in my kicking leg in the second quarter, and then almost breaking my ankle in the third quarter when a guy dove in on a punt, missed the ball and landed right on my plant leg. Was out for the next game because I couldn't walk (they brought Darren Bennet back in to punt, I think it was against the Rams but not totally sure) and the week after that we played the Steelers (I didn't know I had a torn ACL at the time because the former team doctors and training staff told me it was just "damaged"). So here I am warming up before the game, trying to figure out how I'm going to kick the ball with no plant foot and no leg snap in my kicking leg, and still a rookie so absolutely determined that there's no way in hell I'm coming off the field and letting someone else take my job. Enter Joey Porter. Apparently he had this thing where he would claim the entire half of the field the Steelers were warming up on and harass anyone on the opposing team that came across the 50 (the NFL rules are that each team gets to the 45-yard line to warm up with the intervening 10 yards as a buffer zone, in reality the punters and kickers still use this space because we simply don't have enough room to warm up otherwise and no one cares). So I'm finishing up my warmups, hitting plus 50s from their 45, and he comes wandering over and starts barking "I need my 50, I need my 50." At this point their team is stretching on the 30-yard line, so I give him my best "What the ** kind of mouth breather are you?" look and continue warming up. He then posts up right behind me, pretends like he's stretching, and starts bumping me as I'm punting. Now Darren Bennet was still on the team but hadn't dressed for the game, as it was a gameday decision on whether or not I'd be able to punt, so he's sitting on the bench in warmups talking to a couple people. Once Joey starts pulling his shit Darren comes flying off the bench, gets up in Joey's face and starts shoving him back; I don't know if you ever saw Darren in person but he's a big guy and isn't afraid to level someone. I'm kind of just staring now because I have no idea what's going on (as well as currently possessing zero functional lower limbs), and then a couple of their dudes come flying in, a couple of our dudes come flying in, and there's a minor fracas for several minutes until the refs get everyone separated. They then tell me I need to move over to my side of the field, which is completely too short for me to punt on, so I say "Fine, whatever," line up on the 30 facing the Steelers' side and start dropping punts over where their linebackers are trying to warm up, with a special emphasis on aiming at Joey. About six punts later the head ref comes over and tells me I need to scoot back, so I tell him "Nope, I'm on my side and I need to get ready for the game" and proceed to punt at the linebackers for their entire warmup session. Long story short, Joey Porter's an asshole and I'm really sad I wasn't able to get him to roll an ankle or blow out a knee stepping on a loose ball. In my entire career he's the only person I've ever met that's been a total dickhead. Addendum: Another team pretty notorious for screwing with punter warmups were the Cowboys under Wade Phillips; they'd come out to stretch like an hour and a half before the game (which is right in the middle of the kicker/punter warmup time) and cover the entire half of their field so you couldn't use it. Every time they did, I'd just start launching balls into their stretch lines. I don't know if they still do it, but 'em if they can't show some common courtesy. http://deadspin.com/5931687/vikings-...ng-dingleberry __________________ While you live, shine. Have no grief at all. Life exists only for a short while and time demands its toll.**
Posts: 56,824

08-04-2012, 06:48 PM	#8
MoreLemonPledge M-I-Z S-E-C Join Date: Apr 2009 Casino cash: $10004927	I read this a few days ago and laughed my ass off. I don't know how he doesn't get fined for some of the stuff he says, but it is kind of refreshing to hear an athlete be himself and not just talk about JUST GRINDIN WHILE EVERYONE ELSE HAVIN DINNER AND SLEEPIN or any number of trite "just want to go out and play the game I love" bullshit. __________________
Posts: 6,039

08-04-2012, 06:57 PM	#9
kysirsoze SNAP THE ****ING BALL!!! Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: KCMO Casino cash: $196946	I like the idea of Darren Bennet shoving Joey Porter around.
Posts: 11,962

08-23-2012, 12:15 PM	#11
bevischief .... Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Somewhere Kansas Casino cash: $7739352 VARSITY	Just got done reading the chat.
Posts: 27,771

08-23-2012, 12:39 PM	#12
Discuss Thrower "You like to drink?" Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: "I like to drink." Casino cash: $-230000	Kluwe might be my favorite NFL personality. __________________ Chiefs 2016 Opponents: Home: JAX, TEN, NO, TB, NYJ. Away: HOU, IND, ATL, CAR, PIT Chiefs 2017 Opponents: Home: BUF, MIA, PHI, WSH, AFC North. Away: NE, NYJ, NYG, DAL, AFC South
Posts: 45,215

08-23-2012, 12:42 PM	#13
vailpass Psycho Bag Of Squanch Join Date: Sep 2001 Casino cash: $9594244	Kluwe is water skiing in a leather jacket right about now... __________________ “Education is a weapon whose effect depends on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed.” Joseph Stalin
Posts: 69,591

08-23-2012, 01:01 PM	#15
Hammock Parties I'll be back. Join Date: Nov 2002 Casino cash: $950478	****ing punters, man they got the life __________________ Chiefs game films
Posts: 296,916

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