Toilet Plunger Blues

[cheeeefs]

As I sit here a maid is walking in and out of my room at The Hilton back and forth to my bathroom, casting gazes of wonderment in my direction as I type furiously on my laptop, pretending to be too engrossed in my work to notice her. I guess you might be wondering how I got to this stage, well finish eating your food, and get a garbage pale, you just might need it.

Right now I'm doing border patrol in Tucson Arizona where I go on site for about 32 hours. This is good and all, except for the fact that if you have to shit, you have to shit in a bag. No big deal really, except we are on an Indian reservation and we have to take said bag back with us. So you carry your shit bag with you for hours, an experience I have to this point, skillfully, even if sometimes painfully avoided.


Now, being a man of voracious appetite I do my daily ritual two, sometimes three times a day. Holding said daily ritual I have very recently found out results in an increase in the mass of the movement in a near linear fashion. Needless to say I got home and absolutely destroyed my toilet, it was truly epic. Frankly, I flushed the toilet and left that bathroom with my chin up and a bounce in my step, a proud man. Fast forwarding to the next morning at 5am, I wake up and make sure my system is empty and ready for another 32 hour shift by quickly dropping a dollop of doo. Flush flush goes the toilet. Standing up, to my dread, I realize the water level is rising and there is so much shit in the toilet it looks like an island in the Bahamas (minus the sexy women with daiquiris). I take the lid off and try to stop the spillage but its too late. Water has gone all over the floor and I do a cute little foot dance avoiding all I that I can without letting go of the damn bulb and keeping the lid from dropping. I adroitly handle this sad situation but realize that I only have about 20 minutes before I have to report for duty. I search frantically for a plunger but there is none in sight. I use all four towels to soak up the floor and with no other options I just leave, whispering an apology to my poor sleeping roommate who will now share a room with Turd Island until he can get someone to clean it up, or so I thought.


Fast forward to one hour ago. I come home and notice a privacy please card hanging on the door and think to myself "great, my roommate didn't let room service clean" I check the bathroom and yup, same way I left it... serves me right I guess. so I call down to the front desk and ask for a plunger, the lady stifles a laugh and says "Oh, you got a problem on your hands?" I'm like "ummm yeah", to which she replies "Don't worry I'll send someone up, we have a special word for situations like that". I'm thinking to myself "great, I just wanted the damn plunger, now someone gets to see Turd island and look at me like I'm some sort of circus freak"

So I go back into the bathroom to try to make it a little less, you know, absolutely stomach turningly disgusting. That's when I do an actual inspection of the contents of the bowl. Turd Island has become Turd Continent. Apparently my roommate in his tired stupor didn't notice the gravitational pull of Turd Island and added yet another serving of sludge to the now almost Godzilla sized turd. I'm talking a full bowl here folks, nothing to scoff at, and exactly as big as you are imagining it in your heads. This is a full blown pile-o-turd and it aint pretty. I decide that the least I can do is replace the towels or something. So I go to pick them up and I notice little black strands all over them. (This is where it goes just a bit beyond just gross btw). I quickly realize the little black strands are PUBES. My roommate (an avid drinker) must have also done some trimming before he realized how much shit was in the bowl and let them drop down into the bowl (I guess) when he flushed, the overflow sent his floating pubes over the side of the bowl and he attempted to clean them up with the towels, spreading joy all over the bathroom.

I almost vomit, decide its beyond repair, and quickly prepare myself for an escape. They can take care of this while I'm not here! I go to open the door, and who is there but Mr. Plunger himself. "Got a problem?", he asks. I quickly reply "umm yeah, sorry... it wasn't me I just got home!" He chuckles, we both know I'm lying. He says "Its okay." He obviously didn't know what he was dealing with here. He enters the bathroom and I quickly run to the other side of the room and hide myself behind the desk while I relay the story in horror to my friend Amanda over MSN. She tries to goad me into going and asking the guy if that's the most impressive pile he's ever witnessed, but I am a chicken, and decided against such an adventure. After several minutes of turd wrangling the pour soul comes out and asks me if I want house keeping to come clean up the bathroom, to which I obviously reply "No thanks, it can be taken care of tomorrow!" he nods in understanding and takes his leave and I breathe a sigh of relief. Also to my great relief, I go and make use of the newly functional throne (I stop halfway and flush twice just to make sure)

Ten minutes later (I'm still tucked into the corner chatting on MSN) someone enters my room, it can't be my roommate he won't be home till tomorrow night. I peek around the corner, and it's a maid... I guess Mr. Plunger wasn't so understanding after all. Probably his revenge on me for the plunging experience of the year. I don't give away my position behind the desk in the corner and hope she just cleans and leaves. I hear several flushes and decide to start counting. 1, 2, 3, 4... something has to be wrong. I think, but I'm not sure, that I clogged that bad boy again! I guess only the maid will ever know for sure. Anyways, she continues to clean but eventually she comes to work on the rest of the wrecked room, she walks over to my bed to start making it and finally notices me "oh oh oh oh sorry" she says in broken English. I say "hey..." She responds with "Want me make bed?"
"No thanks, that's okay.... sorry about the bathroom!" I say. She responds with, "that's okay, *giggle* lot of poopy!" I almost die on the spot, but respect the lady for her openness. She goes gives up on the room and goes back into the bathroom where she again continues alternate between going out into the hallway to get stuff from her cart, and flushing the toilet. (this is when I started writing this piece) 5, 6, 7.... EIGHT times she flushed my toilet while cleaning my bathroom. This is after it had already been plunged! Finally, after about 20 minutes of dedicated work she finished and left. I bid her farewell with a nervous laugh and here I sit, awash with conflicting emotions. A part of me is proud of my manly movements, but most of me wishes to god I was faster getting my clothes on.

[Simplex3]

So here's what I never get about hotel toilets. What's with that dip in the porcelain towards the back of the bowl? Every time you nail the plunger it just shoots water and, er, other things up into the air, all over the seat and tank, etc. WTF?

[cheeeefs]

Oh, I gotta change that. I live in Maryland now. Someday I'll move back to Toronto permanently though.

I do have some damn good stories from doing this border patrol stuff though, maybe I'll write something up and post it. Like today I got to call in a helicopter, three trucks, a motorbike and an ATV to track down 20 illegals carrying 540 pounds of dope. Stuff like that is exciting, I'll post more later.

[Gonzo]

That has to be one of the most vile, gag inducing and socially uncooth stories I have ever read. Congratulations.

I laughed the whole time.

[Simplex3]

BTW, for this story to be truly horrid it needed more descriptives. What had you eaten, what had your roommate eaten, consistency, color, oder, etc.

[Iowanian]

If you think that was uncomfortable..you know, being in the room when she cleaned that.....Imagine when you hear her telling the other customers at Continental breakfast about how Terrance and Phillip Pooped a Wookie up in 223.

[Gonzo]

Originally Posted by Simplex3

BTW, for this story to be truly horrid it needed more descriptives. What had you eaten, what had your roommate eaten, consistency, color, oder, etc.

Oh, I think we can do without all that Simplex.

I already tasted my breakfast for the second time today.

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

If you think that was uncomfortable..you know, being in the room when she cleaned that.....Imagine when you hear her telling the other customers at Continental breakfast about how Terrance and Phillip Pooped a Wookie up in 223.

Actually, you know if she finds some semen-encrusted sheets they're going to wind up in his room before they find their way to the laundry.

[cheeeefs]

Originally Posted by Simplex3

BTW, for this story to be truly horrid it needed more descriptives. What had you eaten, what had your roommate eaten, consistency, color, oder, etc.

Sometimes you let the readers imagination write some of the story for you.

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by Gonzo

Oh, I think we can do without all that Simplex.

I already tasted my breakfast for the second time today.

Was it still in the bowl too?

[Gonzo]

Originally Posted by Simplex3

Was it still in the bowl too?

You just can't beat a good ol'e poop eating joke.

(And yes, it was...luckily I had some peanuts the day before to disguise the flavor)

[chiefs4me]

Originally Posted by Bob Dole

That's why your dad kept repeating, "Go to college".

I know..I did...but I still want to know how much a paid would get paid to clean up that mess.....

[redngold85]

this should be a novel

[cheeeefs]

My goal is to make it priced so high people start protesting and eventually get it legalized.

[Iowanian]

[StcChief]

Nominatee for Poop thread of the Year.