All-Idiot Team Offseason Moves

[Mark M]

Now that the season is over, it is time to decide what to do with free agents and those people who have left and/or retired. If Bwana decides you should not be on the team, all I can say is "Duck and cover."

The roster will be in four parts.

The order of player listings is:
Position
Person
College
2000 statistics
"Salary cap" demands.

If you demanded somethng at the beginning of the year but did not receive it, get over it. We’re on a budget here.

For all that don’t know the history, our resident troll, Packfan, named a few of us to his "All-Idiot Team." Well, we ran with it. Many may have thought we fumbled, but after further review, it looks like we recovered.

And before any of you post it ... yes, I do realize that I really need a hobby. And don't take any of this personal ... it's supposed to be a joke. :D

* Means the person is a FA
** Means the position is open and resumes are to be submitted.




[Edited by Mark M on 02-21-2001 at 01:51 PM]

[Mark M]

[b]Team owner:[/b] Mi_chief_fan: [i]Daniel Snyder School of Team Ownership[/I] Has kept GM Bwana around for fear that certain "photos" will be brought to light.
[b]GM:[/b] Bwana: [i]Stalin School of Negotiating[/i]; Named "Best Dressed" by [i]PimpWeekly[/i] for second year in a row. Just wants five more years to prove what a mediocre team he can develop.

[b]Coaching staff:[/b]
[b]**Head Coach: [/b] TBA. Bwana surely has a friend that can bring up tears when a player gets a hang nail, doesn’t he?
[b]**OC:[/b] TBA. Got any other cronnies, Bwana? Darrell went to Washington.
[b]**DC:[/b] TBA. Got any other cronnies, Bwana? Darrell’s brother Darrell went to Washington also.
[b]ST Coach:[/b] Otter: [i]Stock School for the Study of Ineptitude[/i]; In 2000 set record for most men left uncovered and unblocked on one play with 11. Still has a job yet no one knows why …

Offense:
[b]QB:[/b] Mark M: [i]SMSU (Skinny Muthafucka State University)[/i]; Set career marks in yards short of the goaline, passes into double coverage and being blown into stands by 10 mph gusts. Almost won a playoff game. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] $15 million worth of heavier shoes.
[b]FB:[/b] Bob Dole: [i]Congressional Community College[/i]; 59 carries within 3 yards of the goaline, 21 total yards, 0 TDs. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] To have his heating bill paid.
[b]HB:[/b] Luz: [i]Ware R. University[/i]; Missed 4 games due to injury, another 6 because he didn’t know where to line up. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] A salary to go with his hard work on chiefsplanet.com.
[b]HB:[/b] HC Chief: [i]G. Hill College[/i]; 2000 Stats: 12 games, 12 carries, 1,200 yards, 2 coach’s girlfriends. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Someone who swallows.
[b]HB:[/b] milkman, [i]Southern Cal[/i]; 2000 Stats: 50 carries, 500 yards, one name change. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Travis Henry as a teammate.
[b]WR:[/b] KPhobia: [i]San Francisco University[/i]; 2000 Stats: 76 receptions of the "ball" and 15 passes at the guy from Will & Grace. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] To meet Christopher Lowell.
[b]WR:[/b] JOhn: [i]UMSL (University of Missouri for Slow Learners)[/i]; 2000 Stats: Caught 50 passes and 32 colds. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] NyQuill.
[b]*WR:[/b] coryt: [i]Howe R. University[/i]; Unlike JOhn, wasn’t able to catch anything other than a cold. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] NyQuill and Sudafed cocktail.
[b]OT[/b]: KCTitus: [i]Raytown South High School[/i]; (Went directly to pros due to Ray South’s superior ability to mold felons—er—I mean upstanding football professionals.) 2000 Stats: Gave up 12 sacks … only one was his own. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Al Gore’s head on a platter.
[b]OT[/b] KCWolfman: [i]Transylvania College[/i]; 2000 Stats: Flagged for holding defensmen 32 times...cheerleaders twice. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] More cheerleaders.
[b]*OG:[/b] Russ: [i]Bliss University[/i]; 2000 Stats: Flagged for 12 false starts and one premature stop. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] The ability to start again after stopping prematurely.
[b]*OG:[/b] bishop74: [i]L.S.D. (Louisiana State Diocese)[/i]; 2000 Stats: Set record for "tripping" penalties … but only once during a game. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] For the room to stop breathing.
[b]C:[/b] Cameron Diaz: [i]Blewe University[/i]; She: 0 holding calls, 0 false starts; The rest of the team?: Everyone was flagged for "holding" and there were a number of false "starts." [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] More hair gel.
[b]TE:[/b] dawsonpa: [i]Pennsylvania School for Teachers[/i]; 2000 Stats: Her end was ranked #1 by SI … again. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] To give teachers the right to beat up students who misbehave.
[b]TE:[/b] Mark Kilgore: [i]B.J.U.[/i]; 2000 Stats: 30 "receptions" with 0 dropped balls. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] For his end to be tighter.
[b]*PK:[/b] Dartgod: [i]Elliot State[/i]; Set new record for FG percentage at .000000000000000000001%. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Eye glasses, contacts, a monacle … just [i]something[/i].


[Edited by Mark M on 02-22-2001 at 07:23 AM]

[Mark M]

[b]Defense:[/b]
[b]PR/KR:[/b] mlyonsd: [i]Lockett A&M[/i]; Perfected the "Catch with Your Helmet" technique his rookie year. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] A helmet that not only helps him catch but makes him faster.
[b]LB:[/b] Chief Priority: [i]M. Chambers College[/i]; Lightning quick linebacker has the ability to fill more holes than Ron Jeremy. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/I] Raquel Darrian wearing nothing but a bowtie, a smile and him.
[b]LB:[/b] Chief Red Pants: [i]College of Liberal Theology[/i]; 20 career Republican sacks. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] George W. Bush’s head on a pike (the long, pointed stick … not the fish).
[b]DT:[/b] The Fly: [i]Wall College[/i]; Named MVP of the [i]opponents offense[/i] ... a.k.a. "Mr. 1st and Five." [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] A huge salary based upon no on-the-field performance whatsoever.
[b]DT:[/b] 58forever: [i]F.U.[/i]; Went three straight plays without jumping offsides. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] One Playboy (the magazine, not a person ... although negotiations on the "Any Port in A Storm" clause is currently being worked out.)
[b]DT:[/b] Logical: [i]University of Vulcan[/i]; Made 52 clearly outlined posts in a row ... still a record. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] A date with Lt. O'Houra and a chance meeting with Leonard Nimoy.
[b]DE:[/b] Gaz: [i]Kansas State University[/i]; Forced 12 fumbles of logic by Packfan on one thread...also still a record. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] A staring role in the next Cohen brothers movie.
[b]*DE:[/b] Stevieray: [i]Vaughan University[/I]; Has given out more hits in his career than htismaque’s bong. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] None as of yet.
[b]RCB:[/b] htismaque: [i]B. Morris College[/i]; Refused to play on anything but grass. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Ounce of Indica and 2-foot Graphix.
[b]*LCB:[/b] Disco Jones: [i]Soul Train Academy[/i]; Still recovering from well-publicized injury while doing the Electric Slide. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Boogie shoes.
[b]SS:[/b] WisChief: [i]College of the Tundra[/i]; Had 67 tackles last year... three on opposing players and 64 on annoying Packer’s fans. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] 1975 AMC Pacer.
[b]FS:[/b] Iowanian: [i] University of HardKnocks[/i]; Once, when seeing the wide-eyed look on an opponents face, shot said opponent thinking that it was deer season. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Doe tag for life.
[b]Punter:[/b] Mi_chief_fan: (see above). [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Anything he wants … he owns the damn team.


[Edited by Mark M on 02-22-2001 at 07:14 AM]

[Mark M]

[b]On the Bench:[/b]
[b]1st in the game, any position[/b]: ROYC75: [i]University of Pine[/i]; Four year starter on the "All-Bench" team. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] A job.
[b]2nd in the game, any position[/b]: Morphius: [i]Mullet A&I[/i]; This "Sampson of Sundays" was originally a split end, but was conditioned to be the backup QB. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] A new crotch rocket.
[b]QB3:[/b] Cannibal: [i]Liberal College of Theology[/i]; Set career marks for ripping Dubya … a 3rd string, what else is he going to do? [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Sweet, delicious human flesh.

[b]Off-the-field personnel:[/b]
[b]Waterboy:[/b] alanm: [i]CMSU (Call Me Stupid University)[/i]; "Accidentally" replaced water with vodka … was then named the team’s MVP. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Endorsement deal with Stoli.
[b]PR Man:[/b] RCG Chief: [i]Gretz College[/i]; Once quoted as saying "These idiots—um--I mean scholar athletes are the worst—er--I mean the cream of the crap—oops--I mean crop. We will win the Super Bowl in four years. Wait—make that 12 years to get there. If not, we’ll give it five more years. Either way, we have led and will continue to lead the league in attendance. No matter whether or not we’ve won a playoff game, we still have the third best record since 1990…" This diatribe continued for another hour or so. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Throat lozenges.
[b]Masseuse:[/b] Smltheppl: [i]Springfield School of Aroma Therapy[/i]; 30 rub-downs and 12 "rub-ups" in an hour still a professional record. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] For the players to shave their backs.
[b]VP in Charge of Youth Movement':[/b] raiderhader: [i]Kansas State University[/i]; Transferred to Manhattan after his high school team was beaten by the Wildcats 84-3. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] 1. Autographed picture of Rush Limbaugh; 2. to finish puberty.
[b]*Legal counsel:[/b] AZChief: [i]Johnny Cochran School of Law[/i]; Famous for his line: "If the boys can’t run, give Bwana the gun." [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] A date in court with Judge Judy.
[b]*Media Guide Manager:[/b] MisplacedChiefsFan: [i]Packfan Skool of Nowlege[/i]; Confused player pictures with ones he got over the internet. Due to this, he will soon have an endorsement deal with Larry Flint. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] To have an insight into Packfan’s knowledge of that days attendance prior to publication.
[b]Designated Smart Slapper:[/b] bkkcoh: [i]University of Huh?[/i] Although his position is somewhat vague, it is vital for someone to slap some sense into these people. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Gloves … preferably leather.
[b]*VP in Charge of Player Fines:[/b] Clint in Wichita: [i]Wichita State University[/i]; Fined WSU’s entire athletic department for keeping such a ridiculous mascot. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Personal Attack Dog.
[b]Team Chef:[/b] Cody Goldizen: [i]Iron Chef University[/i]; Got away with smearing cheese sauce on uniforms to gain unfair advantage. However, he was fined when the jalepenoes he used for the post-game meal made the locker room uninhabitable. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] More spicy spices.
[b]Team Pharmacist:[/b] MileHighMania: [i]Romanowski school of Pharmacology[/i]; Gives the white guys pills so they can compete with the black guys. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Any diet pills in bulk quantity will do.

[Edited by Mark M on 02-22-2001 at 07:13 AM]

[HC_Chief]

<i>Flagged for 12 false starts and one premature stop. </i>

ROFL! :D

[Clint in Wichita]

I was in charge of issuing fines and suspensions.




I'm still tabulating tens of millions of dollars' worth of fines, for this team alone, as I type.

[Clint in Wichita]

What should fine for aggravated sodomy be?

[Brock]

Is that the same thing as buggery?

[Gaz]

Too funny!

xoxo~
gaz
ready for his screen test.

[Bwana]

LMAO: Mark, this is priceless! I just got the firearm's oiled up and the axe has an extra fine edge. The turk is comming soon..........

We still need to come up with some rules for this league! Perhaps if the Turk comes to visit a few players, we can put them to work figuring that aspect of our fine team out?

Did we ever figure out waht to do with Packfan? Team Rug?

**Still looking for those goldfish shoes though!**

[58Forever]

I wanted my way with the Chiefettes or a facsimile thereof...now, in an effort to help the cap situation...I'll settle for last months issue of Playboy...

[Archie F. Swin]

Mark,


I hope your living(job) is centered on your level of creativity . . . this is great stuff!

[Bwana]

Joe: Now that waht I like to see, going from a roll with the cheer leaders to a Playboy. We can do that! Nice example. Now if I can get those how wanted cars to settle for hotwheels!

**Trying to keep this Rat Soup, Mickey Mouse outfit from going under**

[Mark M]

Pants--
I wish I were that lucky. I am looking for a job, however.

58(joe)--
Your demands have been editied. You might wanna take a look. :D

Bwana--
Some suggested rules (most in the spirit of the XFL):

1. Cheerleaders will be topless females. However, teeth are optional.
2. Instead of "Running" for the ball for first possesion, how about a duel? You walk 10 yards, turn and fire. Whomever is left standing gets the ball.
3. Much like the XFL, no real football skills are necessary. You just need to be inexpensive (except for me, of course, since I'm the most important position on the field) and have some general football knowledge (which is why Packfan is nowhere to be found on the roster).
4. There are no holding penalties, unless it's holding a cheerleader, wife or significant other. Then, the penalty is ten minutes in the "Naughty Box" where you are forced to look at naked pics of Rosanne Barr.
5. All problems with coaching must be blamed upon you, the GM (to go along with Packfan's logic).
6. We MUST win a playoff game. If we don't then all other teams will be immediately disqualified for cheating.
7. The use of performance enhancing drugs is strictly enforced. If you're not on something, you can't play.
8. Liberals and conservatives must agree to disagree and get the fuck over it.
9. You can put whatever the hell you want on your jersey ... barring certain bodily fluids.
10. There are only two referees allowed ... they are Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.

Anything else? This is all I can think of off of the top of my head. I'll try to come up with a few more by tommorrow.

MM
~~Can you tell he's bored here at work?

[Warrior5]

Crap! Already a cap casualty! Will you send me to All-Idiot Europe so I can try out for the practice squad?