need advice with family issue

[tooge]

Ok, so about 4 weeks ago, I get a call from my mom. she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house. I applaud her, tell her I'm there for her, call him and let him know that I am aware of what has been going on, and as far as I'm concerned, he is out permenantly. My mother on the other hand, said things like "if he gets therapy and goes to AA, maybe I'll start by dating him again". She told me that he told her that my father never loved her or us kids. That's when it became personal for me. So I call jackass up, ask if all this is true, he beats around the bush, but eventually fesses up under the guise of too much drinking and some anger management issues. He promises he will get help but just loves my mom. I tell him I'm only 2.5 hours away and wont hesitate to come up there to make sure she is OK. I even let him know, I'm not afraid of a few nights in jail.

So, yesterday, I get home from a weeklong vacation. I call my brother, who my family will be staying with when we go up for Thanksgiving. Through casual conversation, I find out that jackass is back in my mothers house, and plans on being there for Thanksgiving.

I call my mother, she says he's trying very hard and if he screws up, he is out. He has been to a counselor once since this, and no AA meetings or anygthing like that, though he is reportedly on "medication" now.

I told my mother that I'm not comfortable taking my children up there, and since I wasn't the one that made the situation what it is, then perhaps he could leave the house for the day while we are there. She refused, so I said **** it then, we aren't coming. She gets all pissy and tells me all the things she did for me as a mother and I should come up for her. I'm not going on principal, not to mention, I'd be uncomfortable and might even get in the guys face. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just eat my principles, and go and be a good little son and sit there and act nice? What say you Dr. CP?

[C-Mac]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.

This.

Showing respect to your mom is also respecting your principles.
Lack of self control or allowing him to get between you and your mom would not be respecting your principles.
You can always excuse yourself and just leave if an issue arises.

[htismaqe]

You don't have the right to tell your mother how to live her life.

You DO have the right to tell how you're going to live YOUR OWN. You also have the right to let her know you don't approve of her letting herself be a doormat for a man.

You're absolutely doing the right thing.

[tooge]

Originally Posted by Bugeater

Go and just stare at the guy menacingly the entire time.

I thought about just sort of going and being cordial, but I said I wasn't going to support this guy being around until he got treatment, and then, I was going to see it develop slowly. It's been 4 weeks ffs. I even told her I'd be happy to drive up in a few weeks to do lunch with her and maybe someday, I'd come to feel differently about him. I actually liked the guy until I heard how he was treating her. I think I have to stick to my guns here, but hell, I could also be nuts. My brother is going, and my sister is conveniently out of town.

[htismaqe]

Originally Posted by Dartgod

Are you?

I don't know what your relationship with your mom is like, but if you are really "there for her" then you should be there.

And enable her?

I don't agree.

[Brock]

I'm not saying anything about your mom, but women who stay in abusive relationships do it because they like it. You're absolutely right to do what you're doing.

[ZepSinger]

I wouldn't take my kids anywhere near that b@stard.

[patteeu]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.

I like this approach best of the ones posted so far. As long as your mother wants him there, I don't know why you (tooge, not Rain Man) think it's a good thing to put her in a position of having to choose between the two of you.

[tooge]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

And enable her?

I don't agree.

Thats really where I'm coming from. I have a good relationship with my mom. Unfortunatley, we are almost too much alike and can be hard headed toward each other. I feel if I give in here, then I've set precedent. Not to mention, she's been with the guy for a year and a half, and said he's been abusive for the past year. She just told me 4 weeks ago. I've got ZERO trust for this guy. Unfortunately, the part of my mother that I felt secure about died along with my dad.

[htismaqe]

Originally Posted by patteeu

I like this approach best of the ones posted so far. As long as your mother wants him there, I don't know why you (tooge, not Rain Man) think it's a good thing to put her in a position of having to choose between the two of you.

Because she is going to HAVE to choose.

We're not talking about love, we're talking about ABUSE.

There is no "choice" here.

[tooge]

Originally Posted by patteeu

I like this approach best of the ones posted so far. As long as your mother wants him there, I don't know why you (tooge, not Rain Man) think it's a good thing to put her in a position of having to choose between the two of you.

Well, I don't trust him, and I'm not the one that caused all of this, so why should I have to "choose" to go and be uncomfortable just to be at thanksgiving for my mom. The guy knows how I feel, and if I were him, I'd stay away for a day or two and give the rest of us some time. Of course, I don't beat women either.

[loochy]

Hit him with some laughing gas while hes not paying attention and pull his teeth.

[Coogs]

Invite her to your house instead.

[QuikSsurfer]

Originally Posted by Old Dog

Stick to your guns

Originally Posted by Pestilence

I wouldn't go. **** that.

These

[Rain Man]

Let's do a scenario analysis. Others can chime in if I'm missing something.


Scenario 1. You go and he goes. You both want to be with your mother on the holiday. You both have equal access, and it shows that he can't control her access. It's a draw until she decides that he has to go.

Scenario 2. You don't go and he goes. It shows him that he can further control your mother just by showing up. He limits her interaction with you, and he wins. I don't think it'll force a long-term breakup, so there's no direct win here other than maybe a short-term win by creating Scenario 3.

Scenario 3. You go and he doesn't go. If he doesn't go at your mother's request, it may put her more at risk for abuse later, though I think it's a long-term win. However, it probably causes her some short-term resentment toward you and won't do anything to solve the long-term problem. It's a win for you, but with some damage.

Scenario 4. You don't go and he doesn't go. Your mom eats a bunch of turkey and falls asleep on the couch during the Lions game.

[rabblerouser]

I mean, will your kids wonder why they're not going to grandma's house, or will it be no big thing??

I mean, if your kids don't notice or won't care, then **** it, don't go.

If there will be awkwardness and tension for you kids to pick up on...the **** it, don't go.

I wouldn't take my daughter to some bullcassel like that.