need advice with family issue

[tooge]

Ok, so about 4 weeks ago, I get a call from my mom. she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house. I applaud her, tell her I'm there for her, call him and let him know that I am aware of what has been going on, and as far as I'm concerned, he is out permenantly. My mother on the other hand, said things like "if he gets therapy and goes to AA, maybe I'll start by dating him again". She told me that he told her that my father never loved her or us kids. That's when it became personal for me. So I call jackass up, ask if all this is true, he beats around the bush, but eventually fesses up under the guise of too much drinking and some anger management issues. He promises he will get help but just loves my mom. I tell him I'm only 2.5 hours away and wont hesitate to come up there to make sure she is OK. I even let him know, I'm not afraid of a few nights in jail.

So, yesterday, I get home from a weeklong vacation. I call my brother, who my family will be staying with when we go up for Thanksgiving. Through casual conversation, I find out that jackass is back in my mothers house, and plans on being there for Thanksgiving.

I call my mother, she says he's trying very hard and if he screws up, he is out. He has been to a counselor once since this, and no AA meetings or anygthing like that, though he is reportedly on "medication" now.

I told my mother that I'm not comfortable taking my children up there, and since I wasn't the one that made the situation what it is, then perhaps he could leave the house for the day while we are there. She refused, so I said **** it then, we aren't coming. She gets all pissy and tells me all the things she did for me as a mother and I should come up for her. I'm not going on principal, not to mention, I'd be uncomfortable and might even get in the guys face. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just eat my principles, and go and be a good little son and sit there and act nice? What say you Dr. CP?

[Iowanian]

Short of kicking his ass for touching your mother, you're doing it right.

Your mother is being abused. You can't support that in any way.

If you go, you go alone and you have a serious discussion outside with Capt Morgan.

[Saul Good]

Stay away from bad people and keep your kids away from bad people. You can't control your mother, and if she continues to associate with this loser, she can do it without her children and grandchildren. Tell her that you will come a different time when he won't be around or that she can come visit you sometime without him.

This isn't about sending a message to either of them. It's about protecting yourself and your kids.

[patteeu]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

Because she is going to HAVE to choose.

We're not talking about love, we're talking about ABUSE.

There is no "choice" here.

That's a pretty patronizing position to take. We're talking about the word "abuse" (actually "verbal abuse") but you don't have any idea what that means (and neither do I), so let's not go off half-cocked. I suspect that tooge's mom is old enough to make her own relationship decisions.

I think it's good that this guy knows that tooge is aware of whatever it is that his mother has told him, but I don't see what good it does for tooge to take a harder line than his mother does at this point unless his goal is to cause his mother grief.

[Predarat]

Either don't go, or go and kill him to death.

[Iowanian]

Maybe slip up the night before and make sure he's eating applesauce for Thanksgiving is an option.

I can't imagine being in your shoes and not losing my mind with rage with some new guy doing that to my mother, and talking shit about about my father. You're a stand up guy.


Maybe if she wants to talk about history, remind her that you weren't raised to tolerate that treatment and abuse of women and that she knows it's not right. I would guess she's just afraid of being alone.

[theelusiveeightrop]

Support and love your Mother. Things like this tend to turn out poorly. Praying for you and your Mother.

[Mile High Mania]

In situations like this, I think it's best to use the "How would the Sons of Anarchy handle the situation", then proceed from there.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Originally Posted by Old Dog

Stick to your guns

Originally Posted by Pestilence

I wouldn't go. **** that.

I wouldn't have read any further if I were you. Young, and old, both telling you the same thing. You are doing the right thing. And you can use it as a lesson for your children.

[Buzz_TinBalls]

Always listen to your mom If you pull out on her now, she could get harmed etc. Get involved on a respectful level -- let this go her way and the minute something occurs that supports your angle, confront her with your thoughts and this way, she will be more likely to consider your lead on this. it's not easy, this thing called life and it seems most complicated between family members.

[Fire Me Boy!]

Originally Posted by Mile High Mania

In situations like this, I think it's best to use the "How would Walter White handle the situation", then proceed from there.

FYP.

I've never seen Sons of Anarchy, so I needed to make it something I'd understand.

[Cephalic Trauma]

As far as I'm concerned, what this guy has done is irreparable. Don't go. Tell your mother you are there for her, but you can't help her unless she wants it. I'm sure your mom knows what this guy is doing is very, very wrong, but she may be afraid to be alone. Sad, sad situation.

[Saul Good]

Let's look at it differently.

What would you want your children to do if you died and your wife was dating an abusive man (far enough in the future when they would be the same age that you are now)?

[patteeu]

Originally Posted by tooge

Well, I don't trust him, and I'm not the one that caused all of this, so why should I have to "choose" to go and be uncomfortable just to be at thanksgiving for my mom. The guy knows how I feel, and if I were him, I'd stay away for a day or two and give the rest of us some time. Of course, I don't beat women either.

You would be there right? Are you worried that he might overpower you and light into your mom or your kids while you're licking your wounds? This just has the ring of rationalization to me. Your mom didn't take your advice and it irks you. If you're too uncomfortable, then by all means stay home. But let's be clear that you're putting your feelings ahead of your mom's if you make that choice.

If this guy is really a serious, imminent threat to your mom or anyone who shows up at Thanksgiving, then maybe you and your siblings should be holding an intervention instead of worrying about where to have Thanksgiving.

[Coogs]

I'd still have her come to your house. Then you are on your turf. He could come if he wants... I suspect he wouldn't... and if he chooses to not let her come to your house, then he looks like the bad guy that he is.


EDIT: and while it may be an inconvenience for you, you could always offer to go get her, and take her back home if necessary.

[Iowanian]

What would Jules Winnfield say and do?



Maybe if you decide to go, you can offer to lead the family meal prayer and recite
Ezekiel 25:17



Offering to have dinner at your house might be a good option too.