Home Mail MemberMap Chat (0) Wallpapers
Go Back   ChiefsPlanet > The Lounge

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-19-2012, 12:36 PM  
tooge tooge is offline
MVP
 
tooge's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Liberty, MO
Casino cash: $7900
need advice with family issue

Ok, so about 4 weeks ago, I get a call from my mom. she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house. I applaud her, tell her I'm there for her, call him and let him know that I am aware of what has been going on, and as far as I'm concerned, he is out permenantly. My mother on the other hand, said things like "if he gets therapy and goes to AA, maybe I'll start by dating him again". She told me that he told her that my father never loved her or us kids. That's when it became personal for me. So I call jackass up, ask if all this is true, he beats around the bush, but eventually fesses up under the guise of too much drinking and some anger management issues. He promises he will get help but just loves my mom. I tell him I'm only 2.5 hours away and wont hesitate to come up there to make sure she is OK. I even let him know, I'm not afraid of a few nights in jail.

So, yesterday, I get home from a weeklong vacation. I call my brother, who my family will be staying with when we go up for Thanksgiving. Through casual conversation, I find out that jackass is back in my mothers house, and plans on being there for Thanksgiving.

I call my mother, she says he's trying very hard and if he screws up, he is out. He has been to a counselor once since this, and no AA meetings or anygthing like that, though he is reportedly on "medication" now.

I told my mother that I'm not comfortable taking my children up there, and since I wasn't the one that made the situation what it is, then perhaps he could leave the house for the day while we are there. She refused, so I said **** it then, we aren't coming. She gets all pissy and tells me all the things she did for me as a mother and I should come up for her. I'm not going on principal, not to mention, I'd be uncomfortable and might even get in the guys face. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just eat my principles, and go and be a good little son and sit there and act nice? What say you Dr. CP?
Posts: 8,593
tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 01:49 PM   #61
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
What? What?
 
htismaqe's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Chiefsplanet
Casino cash: $8834
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mile High Mania View Post
Family is family, he doesn't show up and the drunk boyfriend wins and further dictates how life rolls.
1 trip there on Thanksgiving isn't going to fix that.

The drunk boyfriend is there 24x7 and has complete control of the situation.

Him showing up on Thanksgiving only means the BF has to wait until he leaves to start being an asshole again.

Not showing up tells his mother loud and clear that he doesn't approve.

This isn't about the BF, this is about his mother.
Posts: 61,900
htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 01:51 PM   #62
Brock Brock is offline
Do it.
 
Brock's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Larryville
Casino cash: $5005
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mile High Mania View Post
I'm not saying that's the wrong way to look at it... but, this is his mother. I'd like to think that if something like this were to happen in my family, that my brother or I would support my mom. I'd like to know that down the road... my boys would do what they need to do to support their mom.

I don't know if his mom has a history of bad decisions or not - is this just abnormal and a bad deal because she's trying to live her life for the first time in forever without his father (died 4 years ago) and she's just in a hell of a bad relationship? If so, then he needs to support his mother and not bail out on her - regardless of how f'ed up this could be...

Family is family, he doesn't show up and the drunk boyfriend wins and further dictates how life rolls.
I've no tolerance for women who tolerate abusive men.
Posts: 42,714
Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 01:51 PM   #63
Mile High Mania Mile High Mania is online now
Tapping out ...
 
Mile High Mania's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Tejas
Casino cash: $8089
Quote:
Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
1 trip there on Thanksgiving isn't going to fix that.

The drunk boyfriend is there 24x7 and has complete control of the situation.

Him showing up on Thanksgiving only means the BF has to wait until he leaves to start being an asshole again.

Not showing up tells his mother loud and clear that he doesn't approve.

This isn't about the BF, this is about his mother.
All true. But, there's a lot we don't know... and if this is a situation where she's kind of crying out for help, then he's leaving her in a dire situation. This is about his mother, which is why I'd go ... maybe you leave the kids at home, but I think I still go if I'm him.

Again - lots of back story here that is not known.
__________________

Posts: 19,905
Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 01:54 PM   #64
trndobrd trndobrd is offline
tainted
 
trndobrd's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Tolerance Box
Casino cash: $5055
Go, but leave the wife and kids at home for Thanksgiving in the evening. Make sure your mom knows she is welcome to come see the grandkids any time, or you will bring them to see her anytime Stumbly McDrunk isn't around. You aren't using the kids to control her behavior, but that you don't trust a man who cusses and shoves women, therapy or not.

Showing your Mom and boyfriend that you can't just be shoved out of the picture will send a nice message.

Curious what your brother's thoughts are on all this?
__________________
"I don't really think there is a need to raise or debate this point."
-jAZ
Posts: 6,609
trndobrd would the whole thing.trndobrd would the whole thing.trndobrd would the whole thing.trndobrd would the whole thing.trndobrd would the whole thing.trndobrd would the whole thing.trndobrd would the whole thing.trndobrd would the whole thing.trndobrd would the whole thing.trndobrd would the whole thing.trndobrd would the whole thing.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 01:54 PM   #65
Mile High Mania Mile High Mania is online now
Tapping out ...
 
Mile High Mania's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Tejas
Casino cash: $8089
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brock View Post
I've no tolerance for women who tolerate abusive men.
You're all warm and fuzzy, aren't ya big guy. Again, there's a lot here that we don't know. I'm reading this as a deal where his mom had been married to his father for most of their lives - he died 4 years ago and this may be the first relationship she's been in since then. If so, it's unfortunate that she chose poorly.

I'm also taking a guess here that if that is true - she doesn't have a wealth of dating experience and much like that generation, is used to the guy calling the shots - thereby resulting in her having no freaking clue as to how she might escape this abusive relationship.

If all of that is bullsh and she has a history here... then, sure let her figure it out. But, that's where I'm coming from with my commentary.
__________________

Posts: 19,905
Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 01:54 PM   #66
blaise blaise is online now
Gonzo = Sexy Bitch
 

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Plano, TX
Casino cash: $140
I actually went through a similar situation a few years ago with my mother in law. The guy wasn't alcoholic though, but he had mental issues. He didn't work because of it.
They came to visit once and at like midnight he was downstairs making noise so we told him to be quiet, and he started yelling and screaming, so we told him to leave. Her mom sided with him for quite some time afterwards, but we knew the guy and his character. He sort of brought her down to his level. She stopped working and they sat around the house and got fat. We wouldn't go to her house when he was there, and he wasn't welcomed at ours. Eventually, she saw the same things we did and got rid of him.
I think the problem with, "putting aside differences for your mom," is that he can pretend it's ok. If you disapprove then you disapprove. No sense being fake. You can still be nice to your mom - invite her over without him. Go places without him. You don't need to pretend the guy is ok. If he wants to show for a long time that he's a square guy then you change your opinion then.
Posts: 21,013
blaise is obviously part of the inner Circle.blaise is obviously part of the inner Circle.blaise is obviously part of the inner Circle.blaise is obviously part of the inner Circle.blaise is obviously part of the inner Circle.blaise is obviously part of the inner Circle.blaise is obviously part of the inner Circle.blaise is obviously part of the inner Circle.blaise is obviously part of the inner Circle.blaise is obviously part of the inner Circle.blaise is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 01:55 PM
blaise
This message has been deleted by blaise. Reason: dupe
Old 11-19-2012, 01:57 PM   #67
Fire Me Boy! Fire Me Boy! is offline
Cast Iron Jedi
 
Fire Me Boy!'s Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2004
Casino cash: $11520
VARSITY
Quote:
Originally Posted by blaise View Post
I actually went through a similar situation a few years ago with my mother in law. The guy wasn't alcoholic though, but he had mental issues. He didn't work because of it.
They came to visit once and at like midnight he was downstairs making noise so we told him to be quiet, and he started yelling and screaming, so we told him to leave. Her mom sided with him for quite some time afterwards, but we knew the guy and his character. He sort of brought her down to his level. She stopped working and they sat around the house and got fat. We wouldn't go to her house when he was there, and he wasn't welcomed at ours. Eventually, she saw the same things we did and got rid of him.
I think the problem with, "putting aside differences for your mom," is that he can pretend it's ok. If you disapprove then you disapprove. No sense being fake. You can still be nice to your mom - invite her over without him. Go places without him. You don't need to pretend the guy is ok. If he wants to show for a long time that he's a square guy then you change your opinion then.
Good God, it happened TWICE?
Posts: 23,794
Fire Me Boy! is obviously part of the inner Circle.Fire Me Boy! is obviously part of the inner Circle.Fire Me Boy! is obviously part of the inner Circle.Fire Me Boy! is obviously part of the inner Circle.Fire Me Boy! is obviously part of the inner Circle.Fire Me Boy! is obviously part of the inner Circle.Fire Me Boy! is obviously part of the inner Circle.Fire Me Boy! is obviously part of the inner Circle.Fire Me Boy! is obviously part of the inner Circle.Fire Me Boy! is obviously part of the inner Circle.Fire Me Boy! is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 01:58 PM   #68
Mile High Mania Mile High Mania is online now
Tapping out ...
 
Mile High Mania's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Tejas
Casino cash: $8089
Another way to look at this - and it depends on the family dynamics, the relationship you had with your mom and dad - how would your father like you to handle this situation with your mother... his wife?

Consider it from that lens and proceed with caution.
__________________

Posts: 19,905
Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 02:00 PM   #69
patteeu patteeu is offline
The 23rd Pillar
 
patteeu's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2002
Casino cash: $5000
Quote:
Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
So your suggesting that he appease her and allow it to continue to happen, even though he doesn't approve?

I'm guessing his MOTHER raised him better than that.
Allow what to continue to happen?
__________________


"I'll see you guys in New York." ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to US military personnel upon his release from US custody at Camp Bucca in Iraq during Obama's first year in office.
Posts: 75,744
patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 02:01 PM   #70
Brock Brock is offline
Do it.
 
Brock's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Larryville
Casino cash: $5005
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mile High Mania View Post
You're all warm and fuzzy, aren't ya big guy. Again, there's a lot here that we don't know. I'm reading this as a deal where his mom had been married to his father for most of their lives - he died 4 years ago and this may be the first relationship she's been in since then. If so, it's unfortunate that she chose poorly.

I'm also taking a guess here that if that is true - she doesn't have a wealth of dating experience and much like that generation, is used to the guy calling the shots - thereby resulting in her having no freaking clue as to how she might escape this abusive relationship.

If all of that is bullsh and she has a history here... then, sure let her figure it out. But, that's where I'm coming from with my commentary.
You're an enabler, plain and simple. I'd kindly tell her how to fix her situation, and I'd even help fix it. I'm not going to be around it though, and neither would my kids. This is her choice. A guy like this doesn't change.
Posts: 42,714
Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 02:03 PM   #71
Mile High Mania Mile High Mania is online now
Tapping out ...
 
Mile High Mania's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Tejas
Casino cash: $8089
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brock View Post
You're an enabler, plain and simple. I'd kindly tell her how to fix her situation, and I'd even help fix it. I'm not going to be around it though, and neither would my kids. This is her choice.
Ah, I see. There's definitely a time and place for tough love... depending on the back story, my commentary may change. If there were a history of this with the boyfriends, there's no chance that I'd be there or put my kid's through it.
__________________

Posts: 19,905
Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mile High Mania Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 02:03 PM   #72
saphojunkie saphojunkie is offline
MVP
 
saphojunkie's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2011
Casino cash: $2974
My first instinct was the "Stick to your guns." and "don't go." response.

Then, I realized that the "if you don't go and he does, then he wins, because he controls her life." response is correct.

I say go, but leave the kids. It lets the guy know that you aren't going to chicken out just because he is there, but it lets your mother know that this relationship has consequences (no grandkids around). Your mom will blame you for not going, but not seeing her grandkids is the REAL and ONLY punishment she will understand.

This way you both stick to your guns and stick by your mom.
Posts: 6,501
saphojunkie has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.saphojunkie has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.saphojunkie has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.saphojunkie has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.saphojunkie has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.saphojunkie has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.saphojunkie has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.saphojunkie has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.saphojunkie has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.saphojunkie has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.saphojunkie has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 02:08 PM   #73
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
What? What?
 
htismaqe's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Chiefsplanet
Casino cash: $8834
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mile High Mania View Post
All true. But, there's a lot we don't know... and if this is a situation where she's kind of crying out for help, then he's leaving her in a dire situation. This is about his mother, which is why I'd go ... maybe you leave the kids at home, but I think I still go if I'm him.

Again - lots of back story here that is not known.
The only way him going to Thanksgiving dinner helps her is if she LEAVES WITH HIM afterwards.

Him showing up proves nothing since things go back to "normal" the minute he closes the door.
Posts: 61,900
htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 02:08 PM   #74
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
What? What?
 
htismaqe's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Chiefsplanet
Casino cash: $8834
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brock View Post
You're an enabler, plain and simple. I'd kindly tell her how to fix her situation, and I'd even help fix it. I'm not going to be around it though, and neither would my kids. This is her choice. A guy like this doesn't change.
This.
Posts: 61,900
htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 02:09 PM   #75
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
What? What?
 
htismaqe's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Chiefsplanet
Casino cash: $8834
Quote:
Originally Posted by patteeu View Post
Allow what to continue to happen?
Abuse.
Posts: 61,900
htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump




All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:23 PM.


This is a test for a client's site.
A new website that shows member-created construction site listings that need fill or have excess fill. Dirt Monkey @ https://DirtMonkey.net
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.