need advice with family issue

[tooge]

Ok, so about 4 weeks ago, I get a call from my mom. she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house. I applaud her, tell her I'm there for her, call him and let him know that I am aware of what has been going on, and as far as I'm concerned, he is out permenantly. My mother on the other hand, said things like "if he gets therapy and goes to AA, maybe I'll start by dating him again". She told me that he told her that my father never loved her or us kids. That's when it became personal for me. So I call jackass up, ask if all this is true, he beats around the bush, but eventually fesses up under the guise of too much drinking and some anger management issues. He promises he will get help but just loves my mom. I tell him I'm only 2.5 hours away and wont hesitate to come up there to make sure she is OK. I even let him know, I'm not afraid of a few nights in jail.

So, yesterday, I get home from a weeklong vacation. I call my brother, who my family will be staying with when we go up for Thanksgiving. Through casual conversation, I find out that jackass is back in my mothers house, and plans on being there for Thanksgiving.

I call my mother, she says he's trying very hard and if he screws up, he is out. He has been to a counselor once since this, and no AA meetings or anygthing like that, though he is reportedly on "medication" now.

I told my mother that I'm not comfortable taking my children up there, and since I wasn't the one that made the situation what it is, then perhaps he could leave the house for the day while we are there. She refused, so I said **** it then, we aren't coming. She gets all pissy and tells me all the things she did for me as a mother and I should come up for her. I'm not going on principal, not to mention, I'd be uncomfortable and might even get in the guys face. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just eat my principles, and go and be a good little son and sit there and act nice? What say you Dr. CP?

[Mile High Mania]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

The only way him going to Thanksgiving dinner helps her is if she LEAVES WITH HIM afterwards.

Him showing up proves nothing since things go back to "normal" the minute he closes the door.

Well, I suppose he should just say adios to Mom and he'll catch her on the flipside when she kicks Mr Wonderful to the curb.

[patteeu]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

Abuse.

And by "abuse", what do you mean?

[La literatura]

Another vote for "Don't Go."

[htismaqe]

Originally Posted by patteeu

And by "abuse", what do you mean?

God you can be a dickhead sometimes.

Read the original post...

she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house.

Do you REALLY want to imply that she's a liar or is too naive to understand what actually constitutes abuse?

She said he's abusing her. Therefore, we can only assume she's being abused, unless of course you're implying one of the above.

[tooge]

Originally Posted by patteeu

You would be there right? Are you worried that he might overpower you and light into your mom or your kids while you're licking your wounds? This just has the ring of rationalization to me. Your mom didn't take your advice and it irks you. If you're too uncomfortable, then by all means stay home. But let's be clear that you're putting your feelings ahead of your mom's if you make that choice.

If this guy is really a serious, imminent threat to your mom or anyone who shows up at Thanksgiving, then maybe you and your siblings should be holding an intervention instead of worrying about where to have Thanksgiving.

Nah, I'm not worried about danger to my family or anything like that. I'm hoping the guy gets help. I'm just not over it yet, and I don't think a person changes in 4 weeks. Not worried about being overpowered either. I wish my mother could see it from my side.

[tooge]

Originally Posted by Saul Too

Let's look at it differently.

What would you want your children to do if you died and your wife was dating an abusive man (far enough in the future when they would be the same age that you are now)?

I'd want my kids to get my wife out of the house. I'd want them to confront him, but not in front of my grandkids. that is a great point by the way.

[FishingRod]

Wood Chipper

[patteeu]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

God you can be a dickhead sometimes.

Read the original post...

she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house.

Do you REALLY want to imply that she's a liar or is too naive to understand what actually constitutes abuse?

She said he's abusing her. Therefore, we can only assume she's being abused, unless of course you're implying one of the above.

No, I want to hear what you think it means. I'm completely up to speed on what the original post says.

[tooge]

Originally Posted by Mile High Mania

You're all warm and fuzzy, aren't ya big guy. Again, there's a lot here that we don't know. I'm reading this as a deal where his mom had been married to his father for most of their lives - he died 4 years ago and this may be the first relationship she's been in since then. If so, it's unfortunate that she chose poorly.

I'm also taking a guess here that if that is true - she doesn't have a wealth of dating experience and much like that generation, is used to the guy calling the shots - thereby resulting in her having no freaking clue as to how she might escape this abusive relationship.

If all of that is bullsh and she has a history here... then, sure let her figure it out. But, that's where I'm coming from with my commentary.

thats pretty spot on. He beat his first wife and so she left him as, at least that is what I was told by his son that he barely talks to. I fear that my mother just needs someone, anyone because of loneliness. My mom knew this guy in high school. He has two sons, one barely talks to him, the other I spoke with and he thinks they should be apart for some time. That is the back story to this.

[htismaqe]

Originally Posted by patteeu

No, I want to hear what you think it means. I'm completely up to speed on what the original post says.

I'm done talking to you.

It doesn't matter what I think the word "abuse" means.

She said she was being abused and that constitute abuse.

Take your stupid political definition of the word "is" shit back to DC.

[Old Dog]

Originally Posted by tooge

thats pretty spot on. He beat his first wife and so she left him as, at least that is what I was told by his son that he barely talks to. I fear that my mother just needs someone, anyone because of loneliness. My mom knew this guy in high school. He has two sons, one barely talks to him, the other I spoke with and he thinks they should be apart for some time. That is the back story to this.

Given this new info, I'm even more firmly in the don't go camp.

[Katie]

Encourage your mother to get counseling. Often times the abused person feels the abuse is warranted. It could be she knows she needs to get out, but doesn't have the nerve.

Whatever it is, it won't hurt her to go to a professional who deals with these situations.

[tooge]

Thanks for all the advice guys. Some pretty good stuff in there. I feel good about my decision. I just talked to her and told her that it was that strong set of principles that led me to my decision. the principles she taught me. She has calmed down about it. We're goin to the inlaws instead, so kids still get to see other grandparents.

[Omaha]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.

Originally Posted by Dartgod

Are you?

I don't know what your relationship with your mom is like, but if you are really "there for her" then you should be there.

Originally Posted by C-Mac

This.

Showing respect to your mom is also respecting your principles.
Lack of self control or allowing him to get between you and your mom would not be respecting your principles.
You can always excuse yourself and just leave if an issue arises.

Originally Posted by patteeu

I like this approach best of the ones posted so far. As long as your mother wants him there, I don't know why you (tooge, not Rain Man) think it's a good thing to put her in a position of having to choose between the two of you.

It depends on your relationship with your mom. Are you prepared to just stay away from her if she get's back together with the guy? If not, the guys I've quoted above are spot on.

[Old Dog]

and there's no way I'm spending the holiday without my kids just because she may choose to do so. As someone earlier said, I'm a father first, son second (actually I believe it's husband, grandfather, father, son, in that order, but you get the drift)