need advice with family issue

[tooge]

Ok, so about 4 weeks ago, I get a call from my mom. she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house. I applaud her, tell her I'm there for her, call him and let him know that I am aware of what has been going on, and as far as I'm concerned, he is out permenantly. My mother on the other hand, said things like "if he gets therapy and goes to AA, maybe I'll start by dating him again". She told me that he told her that my father never loved her or us kids. That's when it became personal for me. So I call jackass up, ask if all this is true, he beats around the bush, but eventually fesses up under the guise of too much drinking and some anger management issues. He promises he will get help but just loves my mom. I tell him I'm only 2.5 hours away and wont hesitate to come up there to make sure she is OK. I even let him know, I'm not afraid of a few nights in jail.

So, yesterday, I get home from a weeklong vacation. I call my brother, who my family will be staying with when we go up for Thanksgiving. Through casual conversation, I find out that jackass is back in my mothers house, and plans on being there for Thanksgiving.

I call my mother, she says he's trying very hard and if he screws up, he is out. He has been to a counselor once since this, and no AA meetings or anygthing like that, though he is reportedly on "medication" now.

I told my mother that I'm not comfortable taking my children up there, and since I wasn't the one that made the situation what it is, then perhaps he could leave the house for the day while we are there. She refused, so I said **** it then, we aren't coming. She gets all pissy and tells me all the things she did for me as a mother and I should come up for her. I'm not going on principal, not to mention, I'd be uncomfortable and might even get in the guys face. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just eat my principles, and go and be a good little son and sit there and act nice? What say you Dr. CP?

[R8ers]

You can't let this jackass keep you from your Mom, if you do he wins.

[RedNFeisty]

I haven't read a single response, but I say you go to be with your family. You take this time to show you love and support them, but make it very known that you will not stand by and let some man abuse your mother. Make your presence known and let him know without words that you will always be by her side and do what it takes to protect her even if she doesn't have the sense to do it herself.

Remember love is blind and most people don't want to be alone. They need someone to love them, even if it is false love.

[Mile High Mania]

Originally Posted by tooge

Thanks for all the advice guys. Some pretty good stuff in there. I feel good about my decision. I just talked to her and told her that it was that strong set of principles that led me to my decision. the principles she taught me. She has calmed down about it. We're goin to the inlaws instead, so kids still get to see other grandparents.

Sounds like a good move, but it's a situation that likely won't go away... at some point you'll need to address it in your own way with her and him as well.

[patteeu]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

I'm done talking to you.

It doesn't matter what I think the word "abuse" means.

She said she was being abused and that constitute abuse.

Take your stupid political definition of the word "is" shit back to DC.

Translation: Gee, I don't really know what "abuse" means in this context.

I don't know what "political definition" means, but I'm using a regular English definition and common sense. I don't know anything about tooge's mother or what she considers "verbal abuse". If the guy once got pissed and called her an idiot because she let the neighbor kids use his Joe DiMaggio signed ball for their pickup ball game that's one thing. If he repeatedly threatened to dismember her and rape her dog if she didn't get his dinner ready on time, that's another. The only thing I know for sure is that neither you nor I know what it means in this case.

I think it's probably best if you stop responding to me in any event. Thank you.

[Coogs]

Originally Posted by Mile High Mania

Sounds like a good move, but it's a situation that likely won't go away... at some point you'll need to address it in your own way with her and him as well.

This. And again, I would start having things at your house instead of your moms. Then the ball is in her court to come over or not, and you don't look like the bad guy if you don't get together. She isn't going to want to be denied seeing her kids and grandkids for to long IMO before she tosses the dude out.

[Mile High Mania]

Originally Posted by Coogs

This. And again, I would start having things at your house instead of your moms. Then the ball is in her court to come over or not, and you don't look like the bad guy if you don't get together. She isn't going to want to be denied seeing her kids and grandkids for to long IMO before she tosses the dude out.

And, again - if all else fails, what would the Sons of Anarchy do?

[Brock]

Originally Posted by R8ers

You can't let this jackass keep you from your Mom, if you do he wins.

Wins what?

[Brock]

Getting a pretty good laugh from some of you Oedipal ****ers.

[Phobia]

My recommendation is not to bury him on your own property.

[R8ers]

Originally Posted by Brock

Wins what?

His mother

[memyselfI]

Don't further isolate your Mom. Domestic violence victims are often isolated and that enables the abuse to continue. She trusted you and now you are using information she gave you in confidence against her.

Show up and back up your words. You can even corner the jackass in private and tell him that there is no way in hell you will allow him to come between you and your mother. You only need to be adult and civil to the jackass. Not warm fuzzy.

Your kids won't be in danger and your Mother deserves to see her grandkids. Just make it clear to her that it's too late to make alternate arrangements for this holiday but for Christmas and next year if her situation is the same then you will be making different plans.

[unlurking]

The boyfriend's LAST wife left him for abuse. The boyfriends' kids BOTH think that she should not be with him. The mother was talking about a restraining order.

Spin all you want, they obviously weren't just politely arguing.

Originally Posted by patteeu

Translation: Gee, I don't really know what "abuse" means in this context.

I don't know what "political definition" means, but I'm using a regular English definition and common sense. I don't know anything about tooge's mother or what she considers "verbal abuse". If the guy once got pissed and called her an idiot because she let the neighbor kids use his Joe DiMaggio signed ball for their pickup ball game that's one thing. If he repeatedly threatened to dismember her and rape her dog if she didn't get his dinner ready on time, that's another. The only thing I know for sure is that neither you nor I know what it means in this case.

I think it's probably best if you stop responding to me in any event. Thank you.

[Brock]

Originally Posted by R8ers

His mother

[Radar Chief]

Originally Posted by unlurking

The boyfriend's LAST wife left him for abuse. The boyfriends' kids BOTH think that she should not be with him. The mother was talking about a restraining order.

Spin all you want, they obviously weren't just politely arguing.

And in my experience once an abuser always an abuser.

[patteeu]

Originally Posted by unlurking

The boyfriend's LAST wife left him for abuse. The boyfriends' kids BOTH think that she should not be with him. The mother was talking about a restraining order.

Spin all you want, they obviously weren't just politely arguing.

That information wasn't a part of the original post or any other part of the thread at the point I replied to htismaqe's post and it wasn't a part of the conversation that he and I were having. Take your spin and shove it up your ass.

Edit: What possible reason could I have for wanting to "spin" this one way or the other? That doesn't make any sense at all.