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Old 11-19-2012, 12:36 PM  
tooge tooge is offline
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need advice with family issue

Ok, so about 4 weeks ago, I get a call from my mom. she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house. I applaud her, tell her I'm there for her, call him and let him know that I am aware of what has been going on, and as far as I'm concerned, he is out permenantly. My mother on the other hand, said things like "if he gets therapy and goes to AA, maybe I'll start by dating him again". She told me that he told her that my father never loved her or us kids. That's when it became personal for me. So I call jackass up, ask if all this is true, he beats around the bush, but eventually fesses up under the guise of too much drinking and some anger management issues. He promises he will get help but just loves my mom. I tell him I'm only 2.5 hours away and wont hesitate to come up there to make sure she is OK. I even let him know, I'm not afraid of a few nights in jail.

So, yesterday, I get home from a weeklong vacation. I call my brother, who my family will be staying with when we go up for Thanksgiving. Through casual conversation, I find out that jackass is back in my mothers house, and plans on being there for Thanksgiving.

I call my mother, she says he's trying very hard and if he screws up, he is out. He has been to a counselor once since this, and no AA meetings or anygthing like that, though he is reportedly on "medication" now.

I told my mother that I'm not comfortable taking my children up there, and since I wasn't the one that made the situation what it is, then perhaps he could leave the house for the day while we are there. She refused, so I said **** it then, we aren't coming. She gets all pissy and tells me all the things she did for me as a mother and I should come up for her. I'm not going on principal, not to mention, I'd be uncomfortable and might even get in the guys face. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just eat my principles, and go and be a good little son and sit there and act nice? What say you Dr. CP?
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:36 PM   #106
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Oh, and if anyone needs therapy it is probably your Mom. She needs to find out why she keeps attracting men who do not love her in a healthy fashion. She sounds codependent if she falls for him over what he says vs. what he does and makes excuses for his behavior. She is settling for an abusive man who tells her he loves her when she never heard that from her previous husband.

Newsflash. Alcoholics are skilled at manipulation. Likewise, are abusers. Not a coincidence. He knows what buttons to push.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:39 PM   #107
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Originally Posted by memyselfI View Post
Oh, and if anyone needs therapy it is probably your Mom. She needs to find out why she keeps attracting men who do not love her in a healthy fashion. She sounds codependent if she falls for him over what he says vs. what he does and makes excuses for his behavior. She is settling for an abusive man who tells her he loves her when she never heard that from her previous husband.

Newsflash. Alcoholics are skilled at manipulation. Likewise, are abusers. Not a coincidence. He knows what buttons to push.
I don't think we've been told anything to make us think she "keeps" attracting men who don't love her in a healthy fashion. If tooge said anything about his father being bad for his mother, I missed it.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:42 PM   #108
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Quote:
Originally Posted by patteeu View Post
I don't think we've been told anything to make us think she "keeps" attracting men who don't love her in a healthy fashion. If tooge said anything about his father being bad for his mother, I missed it.
From the sounds of it, tooge’s father was a good guy that died 4 years ago and this is his mother’s first boyfriend since then.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:44 PM   #109
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Originally Posted by Radar Chief View Post
From the sounds of it, tooge’s father was a good guy that died 4 years ago and this is his mother’s first boyfriend since then.
That's how I read it too.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:46 PM   #110
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Originally Posted by patteeu View Post
That information wasn't a part of the original post or any other part of the thread at the point I replied to htismaqe's post and it wasn't a part of the conversation that he and I were having. Take your spin and shove it up your ass.

Edit: What possible reason could I have for wanting to "spin" this one way or the other? That doesn't make any sense at all.
I don't know what your motives are, but your track was clearly implying that she was just a drama queen and not the victim of whatever "you" consider to be abuse.

I hope your mother never ends up in this situation. I'm guessing she'll be on the phone for hours with India trying to figure out how to complete the survey forms to determine if she qualifies for your attention.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:47 PM   #111
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Quote:
Originally Posted by patteeu View Post
I don't think we've been told anything to make us think she "keeps" attracting men who don't love her in a healthy fashion. If tooge said anything about his father being bad for his mother, I missed it.
Ok, I reread the paragraph. I thought the Mom was saying the father said that. Not the jerk boyfriend. My bad. Sorry.

However, I do think she could use therapy to find out why she is willing to accept her new boyfriend abusing her and, worse, trashing her previous husband and her previous life. Is he still an issue in this current relationship and if so, why? What did she tell the new BF to make him comfortable making those type of judgments. And if he's pulling them out of his ass (which is far more dangerous and abusive, IMO) then why is she letting him define her truth and her life like that?

I think that Tooge's most important goal right now is to keep the lines of communication open with his mother and remain in her 'circle of trust.' He does not want to do anything to jeopardize her not being honest about her situation because if she is isolated has no one she can trust her situation is not only abusive but DANGEROUS.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:48 PM   #112
KS Smitty KS Smitty is offline
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What does your brother think of the situation? How often does he (or any other family member) see her? Since she has allowed her fiance back into the house someone should be checking on them daily. Has the fiance quit drinking? How long have they been together?

Sorry if you've already covered this, didn't read all the replies.
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Old 11-19-2012, 04:22 PM   #113
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Yup, he loses his mother for a Thanksgiving....
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Old 11-19-2012, 04:39 PM   #114
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Originally Posted by Rain Man View Post
It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.
This is the answer.
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Old 11-19-2012, 04:46 PM   #115
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I'd go.

Not to please my mother, but to show that **** stick that I'm here and i'm not going anywhere....

"I'm watching you..."
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Old 11-19-2012, 04:53 PM   #116
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Originally Posted by KS Smitty View Post
What does your brother think of the situation? How often does he (or any other family member) see her? Since she has allowed her fiance back into the house someone should be checking on them daily. Has the fiance quit drinking? How long have they been together?

Sorry if you've already covered this, didn't read all the replies.
Not sure my bro knows as much as I do. He's the youngest and not as close to mom as I am. She told me everything, he probably knows only surface issues. And yes, my father was a great man. treated my mother like a queen.
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Old 11-19-2012, 04:56 PM   #117
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Originally Posted by Rain Man View Post
It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.
This.

You're a man. Don't worry about the confrontation if there is one, you'll respond properly anyway im sure.
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Old 11-19-2012, 05:03 PM   #118
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Originally Posted by Rain Man View Post
It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.
This, you need to support her while you can.
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Old 11-19-2012, 05:09 PM   #119
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Sorry, but I go with the "Don't Go" crowd. Anyone who thinks an abuser will let things be simple at a family gathering is deluded. All it takes is a little alcohol...then nothing is the same.

You're one main concern is your wife and kids.....if you put anything above that you are missing your duties as a husband and father. If there is even the slightest chance that something could erupt, you don't want your kids there to witness it.

And as someone else put on here....once and abuser, always an abuser.
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Old 11-19-2012, 05:10 PM   #120
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Encourage your mother to get counseling. Often times the abused person feels the abuse is warranted. It could be she knows she needs to get out, but doesn't have the nerve.

Whatever it is, it won't hurt her to go to a professional who deals with these situations.
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how's things for katie?
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