Home Mail MemberMap Chat (0) Wallpapers
Go Back   ChiefsPlanet > The Lounge

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-19-2012, 12:36 PM  
tooge tooge is online now
MVP
 
tooge's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Liberty, MO
Casino cash: $8615
need advice with family issue

Ok, so about 4 weeks ago, I get a call from my mom. she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house. I applaud her, tell her I'm there for her, call him and let him know that I am aware of what has been going on, and as far as I'm concerned, he is out permenantly. My mother on the other hand, said things like "if he gets therapy and goes to AA, maybe I'll start by dating him again". She told me that he told her that my father never loved her or us kids. That's when it became personal for me. So I call jackass up, ask if all this is true, he beats around the bush, but eventually fesses up under the guise of too much drinking and some anger management issues. He promises he will get help but just loves my mom. I tell him I'm only 2.5 hours away and wont hesitate to come up there to make sure she is OK. I even let him know, I'm not afraid of a few nights in jail.

So, yesterday, I get home from a weeklong vacation. I call my brother, who my family will be staying with when we go up for Thanksgiving. Through casual conversation, I find out that jackass is back in my mothers house, and plans on being there for Thanksgiving.

I call my mother, she says he's trying very hard and if he screws up, he is out. He has been to a counselor once since this, and no AA meetings or anygthing like that, though he is reportedly on "medication" now.

I told my mother that I'm not comfortable taking my children up there, and since I wasn't the one that made the situation what it is, then perhaps he could leave the house for the day while we are there. She refused, so I said **** it then, we aren't coming. She gets all pissy and tells me all the things she did for me as a mother and I should come up for her. I'm not going on principal, not to mention, I'd be uncomfortable and might even get in the guys face. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just eat my principles, and go and be a good little son and sit there and act nice? What say you Dr. CP?
Posts: 8,626
tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.tooge has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 05:17 PM   #121
Nickel D Nickel D is offline
Veteran
 
Nickel D's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Casino cash: $5898
I recommend you go if only to talk to the guy with your mama present (and your brothers & sisters as well, if possible) to find out what he specifically plans to do to permanently stop his abusive behavior. Then state he needs to show you all proof that he's attended AA meetings, anger management class,..whatever. Failure to comply and/or further reports of abuse means you won't be coming back until the dude's packed up and gone for good.
Posts: 1,001
Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 05:22 PM   #122
go bowe go bowe is offline
bye bye bo...
 
go bowe's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: independence
Casino cash: $9737
the only solution for an abused woman is to leave the abuser, and for many reasons that is difficult or even seen as impossible by the abused woman...

i'd vote for going, without the kids perhaps, and keeping that lifeline open for your mom...

with a little luck she'll come to see that she needs out and she'll need to know you haven't abandoned her because of her poor choice in men so you can help her get out...

short of counseling, she may not ever reach the point of escaping the abusive relationship but you need to actually be there to be there for her if that time finally comes...

otoh, those suggesting not going have made a number of good points too...

tough call anyway you slice it...

i don't envy you...
Posts: 30,429
go bowe has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.go bowe has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.go bowe has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.go bowe has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.go bowe has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.go bowe has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.go bowe has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.go bowe has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.go bowe has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.go bowe has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.go bowe has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 05:22 PM   #123
patteeu patteeu is offline
The 23rd Pillar
 
patteeu's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2002
Casino cash: $5000
Quote:
Originally Posted by unlurking View Post
I don't know what your motives are, but your track was clearly implying that she was just a drama queen and not the victim of whatever "you" consider to be abuse.

I hope your mother never ends up in this situation. I'm guessing she'll be on the phone for hours with India trying to figure out how to complete the survey forms to determine if she qualifies for your attention.
Get lost. That's idiotic. Don't confuse what I'm saying with what you're imagining.
__________________


"I'll see you guys in New York." ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to US military personnel upon his release from US custody at Camp Bucca in Iraq during Obama's first year in office.
Posts: 75,744
patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 05:24 PM   #124
ChiliConCarnage ChiliConCarnage is offline
TACO SALAD
 
ChiliConCarnage's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In a house
Casino cash: $9472
I think you made the right choice in not going. The guy lives there so your going essentially endorses their relationship when that isn't how you feel. It's not like you need to kick her out of your life. Invite her over to your place (by herself) for some fun family time next weekend.

I'm not in the once an abuser always an abuser camp (especially if he only has problems when drunk) but alcoholism is a tough disease to kick. If one wife already divorced him over it I'd be pretty surprised if he makes a major life change over being kicked out of the house for a short period.
Posts: 951
ChiliConCarnage Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ChiliConCarnage Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ChiliConCarnage Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ChiliConCarnage Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ChiliConCarnage Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ChiliConCarnage Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ChiliConCarnage Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ChiliConCarnage Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ChiliConCarnage Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ChiliConCarnage Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ChiliConCarnage Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 05:27 PM   #125
mcan mcan is offline
Apr 13,1949 Dec 15, 2011
 
mcan's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Kansas City, MO
Casino cash: $5879
Sounds like you started out as a part of the solution, and are now part of the problem. Ultimately, your mother has done multiple things RIGHT by moving on after the death of her husband, standing up for herself against abuse, and bringing the family (you) in on it... All of which most women have trouble doing. She should be applauded, and trusted. Her judgement is clearly better than most in this situation, and it's your responsibility (IMO) to support her. To get into a pissing match about making her choose between her child/grandchildren and her fiance after she's trusted you and shown so much good will... I think that's pretty rotten man. I understand what you might be feeling, and don't blame you for wanting to get rid of the guy. But emotional gambits aren't the appropriate way to go about doing that. Go be a family, and enjoy your mom's company. She sounds like an awesome lady.
Posts: 3,737
mcan has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.mcan has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.mcan has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.mcan has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.mcan has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.mcan has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.mcan has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.mcan has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.mcan has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.mcan has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.mcan has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 05:31 PM   #126
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
What? What?
 
htismaqe's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Chiefsplanet
Casino cash: $8834
Quote:
Originally Posted by patteeu View Post
Translation: Gee, I don't really know what "abuse" means in this context.

I don't know what "political definition" means, but I'm using a regular English definition and common sense. I don't know anything about tooge's mother or what she considers "verbal abuse". If the guy once got pissed and called her an idiot because she let the neighbor kids use his Joe DiMaggio signed ball for their pickup ball game that's one thing. If he repeatedly threatened to dismember her and rape her dog if she didn't get his dinner ready on time, that's another. The only thing I know for sure is that neither you nor I know what it means in this case.

I think it's probably best if you stop responding to me in any event. Thank you.
She said that he shoved her, let's not limit this to just the part about the "verbal" abuse.

You obviously have a problem with reading.
Posts: 61,900
htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 05:40 PM   #127
patteeu patteeu is offline
The 23rd Pillar
 
patteeu's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2002
Casino cash: $5000
Quote:
Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
She said that he shoved her, let's not limit this to just the part about the "verbal" abuse.

You obviously have a problem with reading.
I thought you promised that you were done talking to me since you didn't have an answer to my question?
__________________


"I'll see you guys in New York." ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to US military personnel upon his release from US custody at Camp Bucca in Iraq during Obama's first year in office.
Posts: 75,744
patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 05:41 PM   #128
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
What? What?
 
htismaqe's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Chiefsplanet
Casino cash: $8834
Quote:
Originally Posted by patteeu View Post
I thought you promised that you were done talking to me since you didn't have an answer to my question?
I don't have to answer your ****ing question because your ****ing question is stupid.

**** YOU.
Posts: 61,900
htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 05:45 PM   #129
patteeu patteeu is offline
The 23rd Pillar
 
patteeu's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2002
Casino cash: $5000
Quote:
Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
I don't have to answer your ****ing question because your ****ing question is stupid.

**** YOU.
No, of course you don't. It would be easier to not answer it if you stopped talking to me though.
__________________


"I'll see you guys in New York." ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to US military personnel upon his release from US custody at Camp Bucca in Iraq during Obama's first year in office.
Posts: 75,744
patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 06:00 PM   #130
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
What? What?
 
htismaqe's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Chiefsplanet
Casino cash: $8834
Quote:
Originally Posted by patteeu View Post
No, of course you don't. It would be easier to not answer it if you stopped talking to me though.
Sorry, I was emboldened by the number of positive rep messages agreeing with me that you're a dumbass.
Posts: 61,900
htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.htismaqe is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 06:02 PM   #131
Mosbonian Mosbonian is offline
On Hiatus
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Casino cash: $580
Quote:
Originally Posted by mcan View Post
Sounds like you started out as a part of the solution, and are now part of the problem. Ultimately, your mother has done multiple things RIGHT by moving on after the death of her husband, standing up for herself against abuse, and bringing the family (you) in on it... All of which most women have trouble doing. She should be applauded, and trusted. Her judgement is clearly better than most in this situation, and it's your responsibility (IMO) to support her. To get into a pissing match about making her choose between her child/grandchildren and her fiance after she's trusted you and shown so much good will... I think that's pretty rotten man. I understand what you might be feeling, and don't blame you for wanting to get rid of the guy. But emotional gambits aren't the appropriate way to go about doing that. Go be a family, and enjoy your mom's company. She sounds like an awesome lady.
So what happens when Mr. Fiance' decides to down a couple and his less than pleasing side comes out. Isn't that going to be a pleasant sight for his kids to see? Some strange guy getting loud and obnoxious and possibly pushing around their grandma? Nah....that won't scar the kids in any way.

Some of the responders here might be right....nothing could happen and all will be well and good. But what happens if he does drink, gets abusive and causes a scene?
Posts: 8,619
Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 06:06 PM   #132
patteeu patteeu is offline
The 23rd Pillar
 
patteeu's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2002
Casino cash: $5000
Quote:
Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
Sorry, I was emboldened by the number of positive rep messages agreeing with me that you're a dumbass.
Oh OK. I'm glad you got the validation you needed to stop running away. You seem much more confident with this supposed crowd at your back. It's a moot point now though so it's a little late for you to get the courage to give me a straight answer to my simple question. I guess that means we're done here unless you can think of something else.
__________________


"I'll see you guys in New York." ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to US military personnel upon his release from US custody at Camp Bucca in Iraq during Obama's first year in office.
Posts: 75,744
patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.patteeu is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 06:33 PM   #133
Buehler445 Buehler445 is online now
Supporter
 
Buehler445's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Scott City KS
Casino cash: $17418
I'm late to the party, as usual, but I'm firmly in the don't go camp. I've tried active intervention in my limited experience with people telling me about bad situations, and have had no luck. At all. At this point, I have to state my opinions and let people make their own decisions. Most of the time they don't do what I think is right (typically leave the situation) no matter how hard I persist or even intervene. Accordingly, I state my opinion and let them lead their life.

Also, it should be noted that I have 500 acres in the middle of nowhere. And a backhoe. Just sayin....
Posts: 22,837
Buehler445 is obviously part of the inner Circle.Buehler445 is obviously part of the inner Circle.Buehler445 is obviously part of the inner Circle.Buehler445 is obviously part of the inner Circle.Buehler445 is obviously part of the inner Circle.Buehler445 is obviously part of the inner Circle.Buehler445 is obviously part of the inner Circle.Buehler445 is obviously part of the inner Circle.Buehler445 is obviously part of the inner Circle.Buehler445 is obviously part of the inner Circle.Buehler445 is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 06:36 PM   #134
Mosbonian Mosbonian is offline
On Hiatus
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Casino cash: $580
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buehler445 View Post
Also, it should be noted that I have 500 acres in the middle of nowhere. And a backhoe. Just sayin....
I wish I had known you in my early 20's
Posts: 8,619
Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.Mosbonian Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2012, 06:45 PM   #135
seclark seclark is offline
MVP
 
seclark's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: nemo
Casino cash: $39
his mother knows how he feels...he said that.
the guy that's involved w/his mother knows how he feels. he said that.

what else is he obligated to do?
imo, i stay away from that occasion. everyone makes their decision. live with it.
sec
__________________
"Mr. seclark. Wrong for gravy, wrong for jelly, wrong for biscuits."
-rj

"If every Planeteer who was disliked by another Planeteer stopped being a Planeteer we wouldn't have any Planeteers."
-rj
Posts: 9,971
seclark is obviously part of the inner Circle.seclark is obviously part of the inner Circle.seclark is obviously part of the inner Circle.seclark is obviously part of the inner Circle.seclark is obviously part of the inner Circle.seclark is obviously part of the inner Circle.seclark is obviously part of the inner Circle.seclark is obviously part of the inner Circle.seclark is obviously part of the inner Circle.seclark is obviously part of the inner Circle.seclark is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump




All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:39 PM.


This is a test for a client's site.
A new website that shows member-created construction site listings that need fill or have excess fill. Dirt Monkey @ https://DirtMonkey.net
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.