I'm Adam Lanza's mother. It’s time for a meaningful conversation about mental illness

[BigRedChief]

This is all over the internet and emailed back and forth. But, maybe you have missed it and its a must read.

Written by Liza Long, republished from The Blue Review

Friday’s horrific national tragedy -- the murder of 20 children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut -- has ignited a new discussion on violence in America. In kitchens and coffee shops across the country, we tearfully debate the many faces of violence in America: gun culture, media violence, lack of mental health services, overt and covert wars abroad, religion, politics and the way we raise our children. Liza Long, a writer based in Boise, says it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.

While every family's story of mental illness is different, and we may never know the whole of the Lanza's story, tales like this one need to be heard -- and families who live them deserve our help.

Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.

“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.

“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code says black or khaki pants only.”

“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!”

“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school.”

I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.

A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan -- they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.

That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.

We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.

At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.

Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.

The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look, Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”

“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”

His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself.”

That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where are we going?”

“You know where we are going,” I replied.

“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re sending me straight to hell!”

I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the police,” I said. “Hurry.”

Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paperwork -- “Were there any difficulties with… at what age did your child… were there any problems with.. has your child ever experienced.. does your child have…”

At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.

For days, my son insisted that I was lying -- that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here.”

By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t believe them anymore.

On the intake form, under the question, “What are your expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”

And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.

I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.

According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did). But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.

When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you’ve got charges.”

I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise -- in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population.

With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered, prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill -- Rikers Island, the LA County Jail and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment centers in 2011.

No one wants to send a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”

I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.

God help me. God help Michael. God help us all

[Bob Dole]

Nothing like having a solution to the mental illness problem in 1847, then letting the idiots in charge eliminate it.

http://dmh.mo.gov/about/history.htm

#3 was in Bob Dole's hometown.

[J Diddy]

Originally Posted by Bob Dole

Nothing like having a solution to the mental illness problem in 1847, then letting the idiots in charge eliminate it.

http://dmh.mo.gov/about/history.htm

#3 was in Bob Dole's hometown.

Lol. Got to love the center for the "feeble minded and epileptic"

Not really sure what the solution you advocate is?

[loochy]

Originally Posted by J Diddy

Lol. Got to love the center for the "feeble minded and epileptic"

Not really sure what the solution you advocate is?

The solution he was talking about was just sticking everyone in an asylum

[WhiteWhale]

Originally Posted by tooge

with the advances in DNA and gene research, it wont be too long before it will become routine to test for genetic anomalies that cause some of the more serious mental issues, just like they test for Down's syndrome now. Granted, that opens another can of worms, but that could possibly lead to gene therapy if, for example, it is found that your unborn child will have one of these disorders.

I think everyone, in some way, has SOME mental disorder. Most of them are pretty easy to live with and don't disrupt our lives. I have quite a few weird compulsions and behaviors, but nothing to write a book about.

We'll need MAJOR advances in scanning and understanding brain activity before we can really preemptively spot such things and differentiate it from other more benign mental disorders. I'm not sure it's in the DNA... a lot of sociopaths are created... not born.

[loochy]

Originally Posted by WhiteWhale

I think everyone, in some way, has SOME mental disorder. Most of them are pretty easy to live with and don't disrupt our lives. I have quite a few weird compulsions and behaviors, but nothing to write a book about.

We'll need MAJOR advances in scanning and understanding brain activity before we can really preemptively spot such things and differentiate it from other more benign mental disorders. I'm not sure it's in the DNA... a lot of sociopaths are created... not born.

if everyone has it, then is it a disorder?

[Cephalic Trauma]

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

So at 13 years old due to the way he was born, he has to remain in jail for the rest of his life?

Institutionalized and jail are not the same thing. The point is people with mental health issues have a disease, so they should be treated as such.

[Cephalic Trauma]

Originally Posted by tooge

with the advances in DNA and gene research, it wont be too long before it will become routine to test for genetic anomalies that cause some of the more serious mental issues, just like they test for Down's syndrome now. Granted, that opens another can of worms, but that could possibly lead to gene therapy if, for example, it is found that your unborn child will have one of these disorders.

Gene therapy for a polygenic disorder? We can't even effectively treat single gene disorders with gene therapy. Let's infect them with 50 viruses, and hope all of them are effective.

And Down's is not even close to comparable to mental illness. Down's will present. Mental illness presents because of a complex interplay between multiple genes and environment.

We can maybe test for susceptibility, but that may be 10 years down the road.

[mr. tegu]

Originally Posted by loochy

if everyone has it, then is it a disorder?

Nope. But in order to qualify as a disorder, something has to have significant impairment in an individual's functioning. Many people have strange quirks or compulsions but they are necessarily suffering from OCD.

[Cephalic Trauma]

Originally Posted by WhiteWhale

We'll need MAJOR advances in scanning and understanding brain activity before we can really preemptively spot such things and differentiate it from other more benign mental disorders. I'm not sure it's in the DNA... a lot of sociopaths are created... not born.

Genes and environment. It's not one or the other, but a relationship between the two. The problem is there are multiple genes that may influence a disorder. They confer susceptibility, so certain environmental causes can bring them to light, for lack of a better phrase.

[NewChief]

Originally Posted by loochy

if everyone has it, then is it a disorder?

If it creates enough dysfunction within the person's life, then it is.

Similar to alcoholism: is a person an alcoholic because they have multiple drinks every day or is a person an alcoholic because they drink once a week but engage in dysfunctional behavior when under the influence?

I agree with the previous poster, though: I think we all have tendencies toward various disorders. It's when those tendencies make us dysfunctional that there are problems. What defines dysfunction? I suppose that's up to the individual and his/her surroundings.

[mr. tegu]

Originally Posted by NewChief

If it creates enough dysfunction within the person's life, then it is.

Similar to alcoholism: is a person an alcoholic because they have multiple drinks every day or is a person an alcoholic because they drink once a week but engage in dysfunctional behavior when under the influence?

I agree with the previous poster, though: I think we all have tendencies toward various disorders. It's when those tendencies make us dysfunctional that there are problems. What defines dysfunction? I suppose that's up to the individual and his/her surroundings.

I think that is what he is getting at. If everyone is "dysfunctional" in the same way then there is no dysfunction and it actually becomes the norm by which other dysfunction and impairment would be measured.

[loochy]

Originally Posted by mr. tegu

I think that is what he is getting at. If everyone is "dysfunctional" in the same way then there is no dysfunction and it actually becomes the norm by which other dysfunction and impairment would be measured.

Have a panel of commonsense people that evaluates each person and gives a WTF test? What is crazy? I can't define it but I know it when I see it.

[LiveSteam]

Originally Posted by DaneMcCloud

Jail? No.

Mental ward, institution, whatever it takes? Yes.

You don't let a kid that pulls a knife on his mother in a public school, especially when he's mentally ill.

And mental illness goes far beyond chemical imbalances. It routinely feature missing chromosomes and until there's gene therapy available for those people, they'll always have problems.

I pulled a knife on Bugs & a couple other kids when I was 10.
& look at me,I'm fine.

[Cephalic Trauma]

Originally Posted by loochy

Have a panel of commonsense people that evaluates each person and gives a WTF test? What is crazy? I can't define it but I know it when I see it.

There is a set of criteria for every disorder in the DSM IV. Believe it or not, there are people who actually do this for a living

[Cephalic Trauma]

Originally Posted by LiveSteam

I pulled a knife on Bugs & a couple other kids when I was 10.
& look at me,I'm fine.

I brought a knife to school so I could carve my way out of daycare when I was 4. I got about an inch into the wall before I was caught. I hated that place.