The Most Deranged Sorority Girl Email You Will Ever Read

[jAZ]

As one of the commentors said: a sorority-girl Ari Gold.

NSFW words, language. Hidden for the your safety.

http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-d...will-ever-read

Here's the full email (with the author's name changed):

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough ****ing ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been ****ING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so ****ing AWKWARD and so ****ing BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to ****ing find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying ****, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying ****, about how much you ****ing love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the ****ing year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I ****ing repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not ****ing possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE ****ING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE ****ING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE ****ING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people ****ing reeruned? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE **** WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a **** if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do ****ing NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID ****ING ASS HATS, IT ****ING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW ****ING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN ****ING UP AT SOBER ****ING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being ****ing WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not ****ing funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. ****ing. Team. ARE YOU ****ING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU ****ING BLIND? Or are you just so ****ing dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE ****ING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR ****ING MATCHUP. I will ****ing **** punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a **** if you SOR me, I WILL ****ING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

I'm not ****ing kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not ****ing awkward than 80 that are ****ing pillowbitergots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't ****ing show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to ****ing God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a ****. Go **** yourself.

[listopencil]

Did she say "I will ****ing **** **** the next person..."? Wow. She's going to have a hard time in the real world. This is where those ****ed up suburban wife soccer mom memes comes from.

[listopencil]

Oh, that third filtered word should be "kick." Not "****."

[Sorter]

**** punt.

[listopencil]

Originally Posted by Ponderception

**** punt.

I like **** kick. I'm a sucker for alliteration.

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Originally Posted by listopencil

I like **** kick. I'm a sucker for alliteration.

Then use cootch kick.

[loochy]

More pics please

[Fritz88]

Dane?
Posted via Mobile Device

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Originally Posted by Wonton Prejudice

I live vicariously through ANYONE who created tales of hedonism in their formative years.

Well then...here's the tale.

At a party Homecoming weekend of my sophomore year, and I'm your general inebriated, obnoxious 19 year old. I start talking to these two girls on the deck. They are cute enough, especially where I went to school. I start to ply my sociopathic charm, swilling Natural Lights, taking the occasional pull from their bottle of Peppermint Schnapps. The subject turns to food, more specifically, cookies. I say "cookies sound good". They say, "come over to our dorm and we'll make you some."

(This is point one in the story that certifies me as a fool who is all brains and not enough cock and balls)

I respond not with "yes", but "I'll take you over to my place and make you pasta."

Huge tactical error. Eventually, we leave. The girl I'd rather hook up with is in the backseat. I drive our drunk asses not to my place to strip mine their asses and drill for ejaculate, but to the ****ing grocery store, where I purchase a bottle of spaghetti sauce and angel hair pasta.

As we get back near my place I hear the hotter girl in the back tell me to roll down the window. I do. She doesn't make it. Bitch pukes on my leather jacket.

I throw her over my shoulder like the 150 lb. caveman I was at the time, drop her ass on my thinly carpeted concrete floor, and slam the door of my room, turning my full attention to girl number two.

At this point I sit her on the couch and begin cooking the ****ing pasta, because, again, I'm a ****ing moron. I've never made spaghetti before. I don't boil water, I just heat up a thin tin Wal-Mart pot, throw in the sauce and pasta, and wait for it to bubble, assuming it's finished.

We "eat" the pasta. It ****ing sucks. I take a bite and throw it in the sink.

We eventually go into my room. Girl #2 is still passed out on the floor. Eventually we start fooling around after I make some kind of suave move like, "Well...derrrr....wanna make out...derrr..."

So we're doing our thing, we finish, start going at it again. She notices a video camera on top of my television.

Tactical mistake #3 coming:

She asks me if I want to film it, I hem and haw and then say "nah...better not."

Then, I say, "We could have girl #2 film it," at which point she says, "we could have her join in,"

And, with the dumbassery approached historically only by Neville Chamberlain, Rich Kotite, or Nero, I say, "We probably shouldn't."

Eventually we are lying on my bed bareassed. Girl #2 wakes up from her drunken stupor and says, "I'm cold," to which I respond, "Here, warm up with this," throwing her a towel I had placed beneath us, covered with various wet and dried bodily secretions.

We eventually pass out. The next morning girl #2 has disappeared. Girl #1 thinks she has missed her Homecoming parade and will have hell to pay. Turns out someone set their sorority's float on fire overnight.

As the cherry on top, some weeks later she invites me to her formal, and despite having no ass on the immediate horizon I tell her I'll call her back, then never do so, passing up easy sex.

Many times I have the sense of a suicide bomber who straps Black Cats around his waist.

[siberian khatru]

Originally Posted by 'Hamas' Jenkins

Well then...here's the tale.

At a party Homecoming weekend of my sophomore year, and I'm your general inebriated, obnoxious 19 year old. I start talking to these two girls on the deck. They are cute enough, especially where I went to school. I start to ply my sociopathic charm, swilling Natural Lights, taking the occasional pull from their bottle of Peppermint Schnapps. The subject turns to food, more specifically, cookies. I say "cookies sound good". They say, "come over to our dorm and we'll make you some."

(This is point one in the story that certifies me as a fool who is all brains and not enough cock and balls)

I respond not with "yes", but "I'll take you over to my place and make you pasta."

Huge tactical error. Eventually, we leave. The girl I'd rather hook up with is in the backseat. I drive our drunk asses not to my place to strip mine their asses and drill for ejaculate, but to the ****ing grocery store, where I purchase a bottle of spaghetti sauce and angel hair pasta.

As we get back near my place I hear the hotter girl in the back tell me to roll down the window. I do. She doesn't make it. Bitch pukes on my leather jacket.

I throw her over my shoulder like the 150 lb. caveman I was at the time, drop her ass on my thinly carpeted concrete floor, and slam the door of my room, turning my full attention to girl number two.

At this point I sit her on the couch and begin cooking the ****ing pasta, because, again, I'm a ****ing moron. I've never made spaghetti before. I don't boil water, I just heat up a thin tin Wal-Mart pot, throw in the sauce and pasta, and wait for it to bubble, assuming it's finished.

We "eat" the pasta. It ****ing sucks. I take a bite and throw it in the sink.

We eventually go into my room. Girl #2 is still passed out on the floor. Eventually we start fooling around after I make some kind of suave move like, "Well...derrrr....wanna make out...derrr..."

So we're doing our thing, we finish, start going at it again. She notices a video camera on top of my television.

Tactical mistake #3 coming:

She asks me if I want to film it, I hem and haw and then say "nah...better not."

Then, I say, "We could have girl #2 film it," at which point she says, "we could have her join in,"

And, with the dumbassery approached historically only by Neville Chamberlain, Rich Kotite, or Nero, I say, "We probably shouldn't."

Eventually we are lying on my bed bareassed. Girl #2 wakes up from her drunken stupor and says, "I'm cold," to which I respond, "Here, warm up with this," throwing her a towel I had placed beneath us, covered with various wet and dried bodily secretions.

We eventually pass out. The next morning girl #2 has disappeared. Girl #1 thinks she has missed her Homecoming parade and will have hell to pay. Turns out someone set their sorority's float on fire overnight.

As the cherry on top, some weeks later she invites me to her formal, and despite having no ass on the immediate horizon I tell her I'll call her back, then never do so, passing up easy sex.

Many times I have the sense of a suicide bomber who straps Black Cats around his waist.

You're like the anti-Mike Dixon.

[siberian khatru]

That was a good story, though. It makes me feel better about my romantic escapades.

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Originally Posted by siberian khatru

You're like the anti-Mike Dixon.

Yes means No.

[ChiefaRoo]

Originally Posted by Wonton Prejudice

Ha Ha!! Gold indeed Jerry....Gold indeed.

[Chaunceythe3rd]

So many, many bad words. Obviously, the young woman needs help from a qualified professional.

[Hammock Parties]

(This is point one in the story that certifies me as a fool who is all brains and not enough cock and balls)

I respond not with "yes", but "I'll take you over to my place and make you pasta."

HOLY ****. Not even a young, virgin GC would have said that.

[Hammock Parties]

strip mine their asses and drill for ejaculate