Emails From an A**hole...

[Bewbies]

That site is comedy gold. The one about the studio apartment had me rolling...

Spacious Studio Apartment
Posted at: 2011-02-10 14:39:39
Original ad:
Hello. I am a responsible young professional looking to sublet a studio or 1 br apt in or around East village. I am looking to move in on Mar 15. 2000/mo is my budget. Thans
From Me to **********@********.org:

Hey,

I am leaving for London on business and need to sublet my studio apartment immediately. It is a beautiful spacious apartment in the East Village (near Tompkins Square Park). Rent is $1750/month and you can move in as soon as February 25th. Please let me know if you are interested.

Regards,

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Hi Mike thanks for responding. A few questions: how big is the apt? how long can is the lease til? do you have any pics or a floor plan? I want to move in on mar 15- is that ok?

From Me to Ari ******:

March 15th is fine with me. The apartment is 370 square feet. I don't have any pictures, but I have included a floor plan to give you an idea of the layout of the apartment. The lease is up in November 2011, but you have the option to renew if you wish. Please let me know if you have any more questions about the apartment.

Mike

Attachments:



From Ari ****** to Me:

Mike did you send me the wrong plan or is there really a pool in your apartment.

From Me to Ari ******:

Oh, yes. I should have mentioned the pool. I had an exercise pool installed in the apartment because I was training for a swimming marathon. It is a really nice pool. It is 39 inches deep with powerful jets and a vinyl liner. The pool is great if you like to swim.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Thats a pretty important thing to forget to mention, doncha think?! It takes up the whole f-ing apartment! How is there no bathroom?? Where am I supposed to shower and sleep?

From Me to Ari ******:

I know, it is a really nice pool. I usually use the kitchen as the bathroom. You can either pee in the sink, or out the window. The window overlooks an alley behind 5th St, and most of the time nobody walks below you. Even if you do piss on someone, you are on the 7th floor so they will probably have no idea where it came from. By the time it hits them, you will most likely be zipped up and have the window shut. The sink has a garbage disposal in case you need to take a dump.

Showering? You don't need to shower - you have a pool! Just go for a swim any time you are trying to wash off.

Sleep? I've got that covered too. I have an extremely comfortable pool raft I sleep on. It is like sleeping on a waterbed! It has a couple of cup holders you can put your phone/keys/beer/whatever in. I'll include this with the apartment for an extra $10.

I am free tomorrow if you want to check the place out and fill out the sublet papers.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Hmm well yes that does sound nice, but I am looking for a place where I dont have to shit in my sink and sleep in a goddamn pool. Come on man! Good luck finding someone to rent you'll need it!

From Me to Ari ******:

You don't have to shit in the sink, it is just an option. You can also shit out the window, or shit in a bucket next to the window and dump it out the window. There is an Indian restaurant that backs up to the alley, so it already smells like shit down there.

At least come over and try my raft before you decide that sleeping in a pool is a bad thing. I'll even throw in a couple of pool noodles for free.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Stop trying to sell me your POS apartment, if you can even call it that. You know what makes an apartment an apartment? A bed. Bathroom. Furnature. NOT A ****ING POOL.

Why am I arguing with you? This is ****ing ridiculous. Conversation over.

From Me to Ari ******:

Why are you so afraid of sleeping in this pool? Be honest, do you not know how to swim? If so, I can give you the number of a good lifeguard I know.

From Ari ****** to Me:

Shut the hell up. I hope you drown in your pool!

[ThaVirus]

I've only read the few quoted in the thread so far.. LITERALLY in tears.

[Bewbies]

Ok, one more gun lovers will enjoy this...

Disguised Weapons
Posted at: 2010-02-09 06:06:07
Original ad:
**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....
Offering: cash, items for barter
From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:



Looks like a normal spoon, right?



Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can **** off.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:



At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.



Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.



This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a ****ing dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, reeruned dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother ****er. I hope you get hit by a car. **** off, eat shit, and die.

[CoMoChief]

Originally Posted by Bewbies

Ok, one more gun lovers will enjoy this...

"If you look closely..."

[beach tribe]

Originally Posted by Bewbies

Ok, one more gun lovers will enjoy this...

Was looking for this to posts as a response. Had no idea it was the same guy. funny stuff. It's about 5 years older or more I believe though. Still funny.

[Luke Warm]

This is the best thread ever. I am ****ing crying laughing. The guns are awesome. The picture of the gun in the cup had me dying...."at first glance it looks like a normal party cup"

"Still thirsty for justice?"

[Papi]

Add me to the list of literally crying while reading these. Holy crap I can't stop laughing!

[Luke Warm]

....I can't stop laughing. I've been on this guys site reading these for the past hour laughing my balls off. My pillow has a wet spot from my tears rolling down my cheek, I shit you not. I am not stopping anytime soon so I will probably be dead tired at work tomorrow lol.

The special Olympics hockey instructor

[Dave Lane]

Very old and Q but still funny.

[A Salt Weapon]

I came across this guy from the concealed weapons one posted in a gun forum. Good stuff, they're rumors that it is all fake but still hilarious regardless, if you go through his archives it is good for some laughs.
Posted via Mobile Device

[CoMoChief]

Originally Posted by A Salt Weapon

I came across this guy from the concealed weapons one posted in a gun forum. Good stuff, they're rumors that it is all fake but still hilarious regardless, if you go through his archives it is good for some laughs.
Posted via Mobile Device

Well....I kinda thought so too, but if you read his FAQ portion of the site, he says that only about 1 out of 10 people actually respond to his bullshit, and even then he only posts the good ones.

[Pitt Gorilla]

Literally laughing my ass off.

[Bump]

that dude is hilarious,

[Chiefspants]

I read all of these to death about a year ago, but I'm dying all the same.

[bevischief]

Originally Posted by Chiefspants

I read all of these to death about a year ago, but I'm dying all the same.

I was thinking the same thing...