I think I'm probably about to up the bar again

[Ultra Peanut]

Well, I suspect this is going to be a trip. Because the following is going to be exceptionally long and putting it in the thread starter would be downright criminal once this reaches multiple pages (and trust me, it will), please brace for impact. You really need to brace for impact.

DISCLAIMER FROM FUTURE PSI/UP: DON'T READ THIS MOPEY GARBAGE. IT WAS JUST ME ADMITTING THAT I'M TRANS IN AN OVERLY DRAMATIC FASHION. THINGS ARE QUANTIFIABLY MORE AWESOME FOR ME NOW THAN THEY WERE FOUR YEARS AGO, THE END.

[Ultra Peanut]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Cool. You just made Psicosis wince five times. Keep doing it, and see if you can start a fight.

I was just about to ask the same thing. I was wondering about potentially klinefelter's syndrome?

Dunno. Could be something, but if it's what 4th posted, that's probably not it. I only glanced over it, though, because odds are, I'm just a regular XY. It's supposedly a lot easier for "normals" to accept if you claim you're an XXY, or something, but I have no proof of any genetic abnormality and I've also avoided going to the doctor since I was about 14. Another irrational fear of mine, I guess (started getting scared when I heard about "grab, turn, and cough," I think).

I know I don't help myself at all by doing stuff like that, but I just get so scared of everything that the only thing I'm able to focus on is withdrawing and keeping myself "safe." I realize how ridiculous my actions are even as I do stupid things, but I just can't help myself.

When did you first realize something was wrong, Psi?

Around Thanksgiving of 2000 was when I really realized that this was serious. I'd known before, but that was when I realized that (a) this probably wasn't going away, and (b) I wasn't really alone in having this problem, at least.

[Fairplay]

Psi, This is just my thoughts, but even if you made a change 100 percent and it went very well. I would guess that you would still have the same thoughts on how people percieve you and how you thought. I mean, you can't have a mind change. Those are engrained in you the rest of your life.
So would it really change anything other then appearences?

[Ultra Peanut]

Originally Posted by Fairplay

Psi, This is just my thoughts, but even if you made a change 100 percent and it went very well. I would guess that you would still have the same thoughts on how people percieve you and how you thought.

Most likely. I'm extremely insecure. But being in the right body would, at the very least, help me feel a little more confident in myself, I would imagine.

For instance, I often get pissed off at not getting to have a real childhood, despite having loving parents and some decent friends, and nothing can change that unless there's some sort of magic pill and a time machine out there.

I mean, you can't have a mind change. Those are engrained in you the rest of your life.
So would it really change anything other then appearences?

That's what transition is: changing the outside to become more aligned with the inside. Whether I go through that or not, I can't change who I am on the inside, and I am not male on the inside (and I'm glad about that, despite the difficulties; I used to pray to God at night to change my body, but I always included a qualifier to leave my mind the way it was). Again, it's an insanely difficult thing for anyone who's not actually had to experience this to understand, so I don't expect you to, but changing the outside wouldn't make me something I already believe myself to be any more than buying a motorcycle would make you more of a man.

[HemiEd]

Originally Posted by Tombstone RJ

We'll have to wait and see on that. I'm confident the Broncos will have a very good year and make the playoffs. The only team in the AFCW that is a serious contendar to win the division is the chargers, and I'm confident the Broncos can compete with them.

Is there such a thing as dilusional ignorance?

[Ultra Peanut]

Seriously, though... who stole Skip's WebTV?

He's going to be pissed.

[NewChief]

Originally Posted by Skip Towne

I wonder how parents or the family physician would get tipped off to look for this syndrome since normal testosterone production doesn't increase in "normal" boys until about that age. Boys that age probably don't realize something is wrong for at least a year or so I would think. It looks like it would be really tough to get to begin treating it at age 10 or 11. Probably more likely nobody but the kid would know until about 15. When did you first realize something was wrong, Psi?

Skip:

With genetic abnormalities, there are often some secondary characteristics and/or problems that eventually lead to genetic testing, and the condition then being discovered.

Here's a site of a lady's story that tells how she found out about her son's condition:
http://xxy.50megs.com/ks1.htm

A common theory is that genetic abnormalities (especially of the mosaic variety) are much, much more common than we know, but we never get tested for them because there's never really enough "symptoms" to point to a genetic problem.

[Skip Towne]

Originally Posted by Psicosis

I was homeschooled from 6th grade through high school, aside from the aforementioned three months I spent going to a private school in the tenth grade. I was going to be on the basketball team there (it was a small school), but I decided to quit before the season started due to reasons both related and unrelated to this. Really, though, the people there were pretty cool, and the only time I've ever had a really rough time was the sixth grade, and at times in the first grade.

I don't know if I was ever suspected, but I hated going to school because I was always scared it would be revealed. I tried my best to just sort of sleepwalk through it as best I could.

It's weird, though. People who remember me from school (usually the halcyon days of 2nd-5th grades, and I mostly hear about this in third party form, as my "network" of friends is basically just my best friend -- why he still hangs out with me is beyond me, but he really is like my brother, and he's my only connection to the world, really; I never do anything other than go to sporting events -- a few hours where I can be a part of the crowd and forget I'm a "freak" -- unless I'm going somewhere with him, and it's very rare even then, since I'll often turn him down if he asks if I want to go to the movies with a few friends or something) tend to have nice things to say about me, though I don't know what they could have really liked about the boy I portrayed back then, since all I can remember is a friendly but scared, humorless shell who got good grades (I remember being heartbroken when I finished second in the fifth grade class in grades).

Almost certainly.

Dunno. If it were as easy as snapping my fingers, definitely. But it's a long, tough process, and I'm not sure I have the self-confidence to do it. I've let myself get fat over the past few years in some sort of self-destructive "I don't care anymore" thing, but even if I can fix that (and hey, fat chicks are people, too), I've got all sorts of insecurities on top of that. I think it'll boil down to self-confidence and the kind of support and help I get when I set things in motion. Another big fear is that I won't be able to find a good therapist who can actually help me.

As for other stuff, I don't have a job (I'm only barely a college student, via online classes, because I have an irrational fear of what it'll be like to actually be on campus; that's the SAD speaking, I'm sure). I live with my mom, and when I describe myself as a "grade-A loser/slacker type person," I'm not joking.

By the way, I never posted at the Star board. I discovered the Planet a couple of months before I registered.

This is really sad. You are a very bright kid. Are you good at basketball? A good ballhandler? A good shot? Since you said you decided not to play for reasons both related and non related, I hesitate to ask any more about it. You mentioned problems in the 1st and 6th grades but not 2nd thru 5th. Can you say what kind of problems and why you think that ceased for 2nd thru 5th? I never would have imagined you as fat. I had you pegged as a mesomorph or even maybe leaner. Maybe 6', 160 lbs. Care to say what your height and weight is? I also wonder when you first realized there was a problem. And when your best friend became aware of it. It appears he has known for awhile but still accepts you as you are. A true friend indeed. I'm sure the Planet members feel the same way. And, YOU ARE NOT A FREAK. Maybe a victim of a freak accident but it certainly isn't what you are. I can't imagine you feel you were humorless. You are the class clown here and you get away with nonsense posts that would hang Gochiefs. You don't give yourself enough credit that is for sure. Blame Phobia for saying you were on the Star board. He has said that many times. I was only on there a couple of months myself and wasn't well acquainted. I share your concern about finding a therapist to help you. Most of those are cookie cutter types that want to classify everybody in a nice, neat package. When actually, every case should be treated individually. I'm not a therapist but I am interested in your plight and would more than welcome dialogue with you on a less public forum than this. Feel free to PM or email me if you would like to talk about it. I don't think you are in as bad shape as you seem to think. I see lots of good qualities in you.

[Rain Man]

Since we're sharing....


Oh, crap. I hope I don't regret this.



(Deep breath.) Okay, this is the great thing about the Internet. You can be who you are, or you can be who you want to be, or you can be what people think you are. I guess you can also be what people think you want to be, too, regardless of whether that's what you are or want to be.

You all probably have your own mental image of me. Some of those images are probably flattering, and some of them are probably not so flattering, and that’s okay. I figure the typical view is probably that I’m extremely handsome, and that I could lift Rich Scanlon over my head until he cries if I wanted to. You probably think I have some sort of super robot brain, and that maybe I was left here as a sentry for some civilization that doesn’t even have the freaking infrastructure to get a guy a new xilanthium beacon when his old one has been broken for over four years now. Four years!

Anyway, it doesn’t matter what you think. It’s all wrong. And it’s time that I made it right.

Growing up, I always felt like I was different than the other kids. I don’t know if that’s because I was born with a small tail, but nonetheless it seemed to start early. While the other kids were toddling around playing with tea sets and GI Joes, I was out on my hands and knees, looking for bugs and eating them. I’m not saying that was right and I'm not saying that was wrong, but it was what I was interested in. Yet for some reason it was okay to make fun of me just because I was in the woods eating a beetle instead of sitting on the porch and pretending to send GI Joe into the woods to eat a beetle? Whatever. I was living life, and you were playing with a doll. And it doesn’t matter if it’s carrying a helmet and a rifle, it’s still a doll! A white, pasty, hairless human doll.

I could never relate to dolls, even when they were action figures. The little Lego people were very square, and the little Weeble people were very round, and none of them were like me. I could never put my finger on it, but there was something about them that was very foreboding to someone like me.

I stunk at shop in school. I could never figure out which tools were used for what. Everyone else seemed to just know. It was hardwired into them, and for me it was just a total mystery. For me, the only thing that was hardwired was a love of exotic places. I saw an episode of “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father” when I was about six, where the grandfather visited and wanted to take Eddie on a trip to the Amazon and the dad, while he didn’t turn into the Hulk, was upset about it and said that Eddie couldn’t go, and I couldn’t understand it. Who wouldn’t want to go to the Amazon, or Africa, or any of a million other exotic places?

I poured myself into geography, and loved looking at maps. I memorized all of the capitals, especially those that were buried in the heart of the jungle in some third-world place that was a hellhole for most people but which was innately irresistible to me. Bangui, Kinshasa, Kampala, Bujumbura. These places rolled off my tongue and I counted the days until I was old enough that I could flee the Ozarks and visit them. No one else knew what I was talking about, or cared. I loved Tarzan movies, and I always saw myself running alongside him or just hanging out in his treehouse.

That reminds me of something else. I was really hairy as a little kid. That didn’t help. We moved a lot, and I'd be trying to fit in in gym class and it’s a new school and I'm the only kid that doesn’t seem to know anybody, and the effeminate kid, Greg, is pointing out that I have more hair than the rest of the class put together. And it’s true. I was a wolf boy, or so I thought at the time.

There was a moment, an exact moment in time, when I realized that I had to know more about who I was. We had two theaters in my town, the Uptown and the Ritz, and they were both those old-time theaters where you had one enormous screen and a balcony and popcorn that they kept in the basement in a big trash can if they didn’t sell it all the night before. It was the late 1970s and someone had made a remake of King Kong, and I think Jessica Lange was in it as Fay Wray, but I could be wrong. So anyway, we’re watching this movie, me and Greg (yeah, that Greg) and Randy and Steve and Duane, and we’re eating our musty popcorn and King Kong is on top of the Empire State Building and he loves Fay Wray, so he’s holding her all carefully and trying to fight off the planes, and then he falls.

One hundred and two floors he falls. He hits the ground and he dies and the people in the audience are either laughing or saying ‘ooh’ or just eating their popcorn, and I start crying. Right there in the theater as a thirteen year-old kid, I start crying. It just wasn’t right what they did to him. He only wanted what we all want, a woman to love him and a job with the circus and a place to relax at night eating shoots and berries. Why could nobody see that? They killed him, and everyone thought it was good thing, just because he was a giant ape.

My friends made fun of me, sitting there crying in the theater, and I ran out, thanking God for the darkness. I got around to an alley and I hated myself, and I remember pounding my body with my fists, pounding, pounding, pounding, and shrieking, and I remember charging at this old homeless man who started to come toward me, and suddenly everything just felt right. I ran home and confronted my mother. I wanted to know who I really was, not some story. She stuck by her tired old claims that my blood is German and English, with a little French, and she covered her ears when I told her that wasn’t right. Things have never been quite the same for us since.

I did a lot of reading and I did a lot of soul-searching. I checked old newspaper records for circus arrivals, and I’ve researched zoo manifests, to no avail. Maybe it’s just a weird twist of the cosmos, a mixing of genes from the primordial soup, back when a little more hair and the ability to eat bamboo shoots with your feet was no different than having red hair or green eyes. Maybe there was a chance encounter that my mother has banished to the dungeons in her mind, an encounter of which I and perhaps a couple of shattered banana daiquiri glasses were the only lasting physical evidence. Who knows? Yet I know what is true.

I don’t know my story, and I don’t know my background, and I probably never will. But after peeling back the layers of society and my identity and this false mannequin that is my self-knowledge, I know now who I am, and after 42 years on this earth I’m going to tell you, and it will be the first time I’ve shared this with anyone.

I am Kevin, a resident of Denver. I am a happily married husband, a diligent homeowner, and a hard-working business owner.

And I am a lowland gorilla.

I’m sharing this because I’m proud of who I am. Will I ever go to the central African jungle and take my ‘rightful place’ with the troop? Probably not, though I can’t say that I haven’t been torn. This place of steel and brick and concrete is my world, even if a part of my heart wants to live among my own. I just hope that, after sharing this, I can continue to be a part of this community and that you won’t hate me and kill me and make an ash tray out of my hand, just because I’m not like you.

[Ultra Peanut]

Originally Posted by Skip Towne

This is really sad..

I can't even finish reading your post, and I can't really see it anymore through the tears anyways (not the completely sad kind, though, don't worry). I'll respond in detail later, and it's actually quite a relief to tell someone who "knows" me (and I think people here have gotten at least some small sense of who I am through my countless meaningless posts), but I just want you to know how much I appreciate your response, Skip. Everyone else, too, to varying degrees, but really, just... thanks.

DeeVee has nothing on me right now.

[badgirl]

Psi I noticed you said you weren't male inside, do you mean like you have overies, womb and such? I had a aunt who had male organs in her not female, she was a big boned gal to, she of course could never have children, is that anything like you? Or did you just mean mentally you did not feel like a man on the inside, I haven't read every post on this thread so if you have already explained this, sorry for asking again.

You are a very strong person to have lived with this as a secret for so long, it must have been really hard, I am glad you finally said something even though you knew you may get some snide remarks, boy you are brave.

[Rain Man]

I think we've all learned something about each other in this thread.

[Rain Man]

In retrospect, my own confession was ill-timed. I hope I didn't steal any of Psicosis' thunder.

[FloridaChief]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

In retrospect, my own confession was ill-timed.

And timing is everything, as I've learned from experience...no worries though; one day your post will be looked upon as a lost classic...

[badgirl]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

In retrospect, my own confession was ill-timed. I hope I didn't steal any of Psicosis' thunder.

Makes me wish I had a big secret to share so everyone would say nice stuff to me

But I would start my OWN thread about it.

Rainman, should we start calling you apeman now? That was a pretty good story, it was like a rollercoaster, at first I thought you were serious, then I was laughing, then serious, then laughing.

[Frazod]

Originally Posted by badgirl

Makes me wish I had a big secret to share so everyone would say nice stuff to me

After 4 1/2 years here, I've learned to keep certain things to myself.

Anything you say here WILL be used against you... eventually.