I'm cohabitating... would appreciate any advice.

[Direckshun]

Well I did the dumbest ****ing thing possible and fell in love with someone.

Now we're making plans to move in together sometime this coming fall. She's lived with a significant other before, but this is the first time I've ever done it.

So considering how green I am to the whole process, I'd appreciate the ironclad braintrust at the Planet to provide me with advice (preferably from experience) so I don't walk into bear trap after bear trap throughout this ordeal.

Thanks in advance.

[Silock]

Say good-bye to your relationship plans for the future. Most cohabitating relationships don't survive the first year, and of those who go on to get married, they have a much higher divorce rate than those who did not previously cohabitate.

[Rooster]

Originally Posted by Direckshun

Thanks in advance.

I know one thing for sure. Do not under any circumstances have Roger Clemens over to your house.

[Hoover]

Originally Posted by kaplin42

Neither of us believe that house work is "women's work". .

So you do them all I bet

How are the whip marks on your back?

JK

[Fat Elvis]

Make sure you both have a VERY CLEAR understanding of how your money works. In other words, who is responsible for what bills, how those bills are split. If one of you makes significantly more money than the other, will there be jealousy if you split the bills equally since one of you will have more left over money to do the things you want to do? Will you loan money to each other? Will you have a "community pot?"

How is the space to be divided up? Are you moving in with her/him, and if so, how much leeway does the movee have in personalizing the new space? People are very territorial creatures; sometimes it is best to find a new place together so you start with fresh boundaries.

How will your time be spent? It is all lovey dovey romantic at first and then your significant other becomes human again and you will want time away from them (and they from you). Can both of you deal with that reality? What about significant dates such as holidays or family get togethers? Are either of you obligated to attend family functions of the other--especially if you HATE their nutjob families?

It isn't easy. Heck, as far as I'm concerned, it is even harder than marriage--at least in marriage, you have the (supposedly) stated committment to each other. Small things will piss both people off over time; do you have what it takes to make it through those rough times? On the other hand, if living together turns out to be a disasterous mistake, it is a whole lot easier to get out of the situation.

Best of luck. You'll need it.

[Braincase]

When you are wrong, she'll tell you you're wrong. Admit you're wrong, even if you know you're right.

When she's wrong, keep your mouth shut. Let her figure out she's wrong, and don't ever say "I told you so."

[blueballs]

make it clear
If she slips and falls on your jiz in the shower
she only has her self to blame

[kaplin42]

Originally Posted by Phobia

Could you come over clean our place, please? Feel free to bring your husband along.

Sure thing. And right afterwards, I expect your wife to put out, and then make me a sandwhich.

Nothing's for free sir.



Seriously though, I expected these remarks from some on here. Some of you have to be old enough to have been involved in WWII, and thus come from old school ways. And I whole heartidly agree that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can put them down to put 'em out of their (my) misery.

[Silock]

Originally Posted by Fat Elvis

at least in marriage, you have the (supposedly) stated committment to each other

It's not just supposed. Studies have shown that people in cohabitating relationships are much less committed to the relationship, on average, than married people. It's why they're less likely to stick it out when things get tough and break up, and why they're more likely to cheat.

[stlchiefs]

Originally Posted by Silock

It's not just supposed. Studies have shown that people in cohabitating relationships are much less committed to the relationship, on average, than married people. It's why they're less likely to stick it out when things get tough and break up, and why they're more likely to cheat.

Exactly. There's nothing holding the two together, no formal commitment. It's very easy to p.u. your stuff and walk out.

If you do go through with it, nothing but the best of luck to you, but I hope you can see that it may not be in the best interest of your relationship.

[Radar Chief]

Originally Posted by Silock

It's not just supposed. Studies have shown that people in cohabitating relationships are much less committed to the relationship, on average, than married people. It's why they're less likely to stick it out when things get tough and break up, and why they're more likely to cheat.

Wow, guess Mrs. Radar and I are the exception then.
We lived together for almost 2 years before I popped the question and will have been married for 10 years in December.

[Adept Havelock]

Originally Posted by stlchiefs

Exactly. There's nothing holding the two together, no formal commitment. It's very easy to p.u. your stuff and walk out.

If you do go through with it, nothing but the best of luck to you, but I hope you can see that it may not be in the best interest of your relationship.

I disagree with this in the extreme. Maybe we're an exception, but we've never needed the state or church to validate or strengthen our commitment. Love, Time, Effort, and Mutual Respect have done that. Without those, no piece of paper is going to mean anything at all.

If you consider that "nothing holding us together"......each to their own.

IMO, that piece of paper has absolutely no intrinsic value whatsoever, nor does it add much. All it does is place some legal obstacles if you decide to break up. If you need those as incentive to stay together in the rough times...as I said, each to their own.

[jAZ]

I was lucky. I found the perfect woman and we moved in together 4-5 months after meeting. Had joint checking accounts and everything almost immediately.

Pick the right person and you have nothing to fear.

[StcChief]

Originally Posted by jAZ

I was lucky. I found the perfect woman and we moved in together 4-5 months after meeting. Had joint checking accounts and everything almost immediately.

Pick the right person and you have nothing to fear.

one of the lucky ones....

[stlchiefs]

Originally Posted by Adept Havelock

I disagree with this in the extreme. Maybe we're an exception, but we've never needed the state or church to validate or strengthen our commitment. Love, Time, Effort, and Mutual Respect have done that. Without those, no piece of paper is going to mean anything at all.

If you consider that "nothing holding us together"......each to their own.

IMO, that piece of paper has absolutely no intrinsic value whatsoever, nor does it add much. All it does is place some legal obstacles if you decide to break up. If you need those as incentive to stay together in the rough times...as I said, each to their own.

First, congrats to you on your successful relationship.

Second, I'm not saying a piece of paper or some authority is what keeps a relationship together, but as Silock pointed out studies have shown that statistically without the formal commitment this setup is not usually the best long term option. Again, as you said love and respect is what it comes down to in the end.

[KCJohnny]

Originally Posted by Radar Chief

Best advice I have for you is don't ask for love life advise on the Planet.

Why its a bad idea

Consider the following excerpts from various studies:

• Cohabiting partners "experience significantly more difficulties in subsequent marriages and with issues of adultery, alcohol, drugs, and independence than couples who had not cohabited." Marriages preceded by cohabitation are 50 to 100 percent more likely to break up than those not preceded by cohabitation.(William Axinn and Arland Thornton, "The Relationship Between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Casual Influence?" Demography, Vol. 29, 1992, page 358.)
• Of all sexually active people, married couples report being the most physically pleased and emotionally satisfied. (Robert T. Michael, John H. Gagnon, and Edward O. Lauman, Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1994, page 124.)
• Cohabiting couples have less healthy relationships than married couples. (Jan E. Stets, "The Link Between Past and Present Intimate Relationships," Journal of Family Issues, 114, 1993, page 251).
• Males beating female partners are "at least twice as common among cohabitors as it is among married partners."(Jan E. Stets, "Cohabiting and Marital Aggression: The Role of Social Isolation," Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 53, 1991, pages 669-670)
• The number of cases of major depression per 100 people per year: Married and Never Divorced--1.5; Never Married--2.4; Divorced Once--4.1; Cohabiting--5.1; Divorced twice--5.8. (Lee Robins and David Regier, Psychiatric Disorders in America: The Epidemiologic Catchment Area Study, New York: Free Press, 1991, page 72.)
• A study published in the American Sociological Review found that for couples that cohabit with their future spouses, they explain: "Overall association exists between premarital cohabitation and subsequent marital instability. The dissolution rates of women who cohabit premaritally with their future spouse are, on average, nearly 80 percent higher than the rates of those who do not."
  Neil G. Bennett, Ann Blanc Klimas and David E. Bloom, Commitment and the Modern Union: Assessing the Link Between Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability, American Sociological Review, 1988, p.132.
• The University of California, Los Angeles, published research in The Journal of Personality Assessment, that looked at "problem areas" for married couples who did and did not cohabit prior to marriage. The study found the top three problems that distinguished pre-marital cohabitants from non-premarital cohabitants were drunkenness, adultery and drug-abuse (in that order).
  Michael D. Newcomb and P.M. Bentler, Assessment of Personality and Demographic Aspects of Cohabitation and Marital Success, Journal of Personality Assessment, 1980, p.16
  
• Brown University and the University of Michigan studying the nest-leaving process found that "only those leaving in conjunction with marriage were truly unlikely to return" to their parents' home. However, "cohabitors were very likely to return home for an extended stay," ibid. The study found 20 percent of cohabitants returned home and only 2 percent of marrieds returned. Goldscheider, et al. conclude that "it is difficult to argue that cohabitors resemble married people," ibid., p. 695.
  Frances Goldsheider, Arland Thornton, and Linda Young-DeMarco, A Portrait of the Nest-Leaving Process in Early Adulthood, Demography, 1993, p. 694.
  

This is only the tip of the ice burg. It's not just religious people who say marriage is better, the actual facts speak for themselves. In truth, most women who live with a man before marriage really believe they will marry him. It is supposed to be a kind of "trial marriage". It seems like a good idea at first but it doesn't really work out that way.
Only one couple in five who lives together before marriage actually ends up getting married.

Not to mention its a mortal sin (6th commandment) which leads to damnation.