Prayer Request I have created a new insect religion for mankind's benefit. - Page 3

**Rain Man** · 07-18-2019, 10:19 AM

On my way to work today, I noticed a small movement on the sidewalk. As I approached, I realized that it was a bug that had somehow gotten turned upside down. It was wiggling its little arms and legs (or maybe they're all legs) helplessly, but it had no chance of righting itself.

After a moment of thought, I moved my shoe to a strategic location, and flipped the bug. While there was some skidding involved that was probably less than pleasant, the bug eventually got turned upright.

The implications of this are profound from the bug's perspective. Think about it - due to some bad Darwinian design, you're doomed. You're upside down, your thorax is exposed, and your carapace is too heavy to right yourself. Spiders and ants and wasps are inevitably bearing down on you. Your life, all two weeks of it, are flashing before your compound eye stalks.

And then suddenly out of the blue, a giant being appears, so large that you can't even see the top of it. A massive, mountain-sized foot moves toward you. But instead of crushing you, it benevolently flips you back to safety and then disappears swiftly over the horizon.

People, this is how religions are born.

If you're that bug, you now believe that there's a giant being out there looking out for you. You love the giant being. The giant being is your friend.
You're going to preach that gospel to other bugs, and you're going to tell them not to buzz the giant beings. Don't fly into their noses, don't drown yourself in their drinks. You're going to convert other bugs with your story, and peace will come in our time. People and bugs will live together in harmony.

You're welcome.

Graystoke · 07-18-2019, 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rain Man

I'll let you have one of the chapters of my holy book. I think beetle is probably the best language to use since it's most widely spoken. If you speak beetle, you can go anywhere in the insect world and be understood.

One Chapter?
WHAT KIND OF GOD ARE YOU?

Mennonite · 07-18-2019, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rain Man

I'll let you have one of the chapters of my holy book. I think beetle is probably the best language to use since it's most widely spoken. If you speak beetle, you can go anywhere in the insect world and be understood.

Be careful what dialect you choose though. You go with a dung beetle accent and everyone will think you're just talking shit.

**Rain Man** · 07-18-2019, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Graystoke

One Chapter?
WHAT KIND OF GOD ARE YOU?

Do you have any concept of how many insect disciples I have? And they're all working on chapters of their own. At my last supper, I had over a hundred gnats and 200 ants, and that's not even counting the ones that were ground up in the strawberry jelly.

**srvy** · 07-18-2019, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Oh ye of little faith. I saved the bug, and the bugs shall save me.

They were giants once they could be again. We will be their prey so smash them we can never be friends.

Yeah I watched the progression of earth thingy on here. I remember the giant bugs. Working outside I have pulled many ticks crawling or embedded in me they get the hot engine hood of the work truck treatment.

Graystoke · 07-18-2019, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Do you have any concept of how many insect disciples I have? And they're all working on chapters of their own. At my last supper, I had over a hundred gnats and 200 ants, and that's not even counting the ones that were ground up in the strawberry jelly.

Sorry, I got a better offer from Satant

scho63 · 07-18-2019, 01:00 PM

**Rain Man** · 07-18-2019, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Graystoke

Sorry, I got a better offer from Satant

That's a fly by night outfit.

Not actual flies. Flies worship me.

Mennonite · 07-18-2019, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by srvy

They were giants once they could be again. We will be their prey so smash them we can never be friends.

Mothra, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by srvy

Working outside I have pulled many ticks crawling or embedded in me they get the hot engine hood of the work truck treatment.

Look, this religion thing is pretty new for these guys. It's gonna take a while for the ticks to figure out this whole transubstantiation thing ok?

WhawhaWhat · 07-18-2019, 01:11 PM

Soon that bug will be develop a following of other bugs after telling tales of an imaginary man that loves all bugs, he will be crucified for his beliefs about the greatness of this man and then for centuries the believers of this bug and his tales about the imaginary man will wait outside grocery stores and shopping malls handing out pamphlets that nobody wants.

Mennonite · 07-18-2019, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Flies worship me.

Good news/bad news. The bad news is that you may be Beelzebub. The good news is that William Golding probably owes you millions in royalties.

Eleazar · 07-18-2019, 01:16 PM

There's only one problem with your theory - this bug, the one who received direct revelation of your existence, can't communicate with other bugs. Your stature as a supreme being will not last beyond its already short lifespan.

Furthermore, even if he can communicate, he's probably too embarrassed to tell the other insects that he got himself turned upside down somehow. That has to rank pretty highly on the list of ways for an insect to embarrass himself. It would be like getting your head stuck in a chair.

Mennonite · 07-18-2019, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eleazar

There's only one problem with your theory - this bug, the one who received direct revelation of your existence, can't communicate with other bugs. Your stature as a supreme being will not last beyond its already short lifespan.

All Rain Man has to do is provide him with a little book and a tiny pencil so he can jot his story down. That should keep his swarm from doubting his word for at least a couple of thousand years, right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eleazar

Furthermore, even if he can communicate, he's probably too embarrassed to tell the other insects that he got himself turned upside down somehow. That has to rank pretty highly on the list of ways for an insect to embarrass himself. It would be like getting your head stuck in a chair.

What if I told you that Lazarus wasn't exactly dead when Jesus rolled by? Some scholars believe that he was a first century A.D. Version of the Life Alert lady and the King of Kings just gave him a swift kick with a sandal to get his ass off the ground.

DJJasonp · 07-18-2019, 01:38 PM

Is your religion one where the bugs can depict you in drawings?

Mennonite · 07-18-2019, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DJJasonp

Is your religion one where the bugs can depict you in drawings?

Graven images will only be allowed in the Eastern Orthodox branch. As popular 80s comedian Yakov Smirnoff explains: "In Russia flies draw you!"

MarkDavis'Haircut · 07-18-2019, 02:42 PM

I love this place.

07-18-2019, 10:19 AM
Rain Man Seize life. Be an ermine. Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: My house Casino cash: $-482449 VARSITY	I have created a new insect religion for mankind's benefit. On my way to work today, I noticed a small movement on the sidewalk. As I approached, I realized that it was a bug that had somehow gotten turned upside down. It was wiggling its little arms and legs (or maybe they're all legs) helplessly, but it had no chance of righting itself. After a moment of thought, I moved my shoe to a strategic location, and flipped the bug. While there was some skidding involved that was probably less than pleasant, the bug eventually got turned upright. The implications of this are profound from the bug's perspective. Think about it - due to some bad Darwinian design, you're doomed. You're upside down, your thorax is exposed, and your carapace is too heavy to right yourself. Spiders and ants and wasps are inevitably bearing down on you. Your life, all two weeks of it, are flashing before your compound eye stalks. And then suddenly out of the blue, a giant being appears, so large that you can't even see the top of it. A massive, mountain-sized foot moves toward you. But instead of crushing you, it benevolently flips you back to safety and then disappears swiftly over the horizon. People, this is how religions are born. If you're that bug, you now believe that there's a giant being out there looking out for you. You love the giant being. The giant being is your friend. You're going to preach that gospel to other bugs, and you're going to tell them not to buzz the giant beings. Don't fly into their noses, don't drown yourself in their drinks. You're going to convert other bugs with your story, and peace will come in our time. People and bugs will live together in harmony. You're welcome.
Posts: 145,278

07-18-2019, 01:00 PM	#36
scho63 Politically Incorrect Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Scottsdale, AZ Casino cash: $-740000	__________________ *"The only difference between sex for free and sex for money is that sex for free costs you a WHOLE LOT more!"* ~Redd Foxx~ ~~2018 2019 2020 20212022 2023~~ 2024 Adopt a Chief - Clark Hunt and Brett Veach "The men who drafted Patrick Mahomes"
Posts: 54,938

07-18-2019, 01:11 PM	#39
WhawhaWhat MVP Join Date: Feb 2013 Casino cash: $-678884	Soon that bug will be develop a following of other bugs after telling tales of an imaginary man that loves all bugs, he will be crucified for his beliefs about the greatness of this man and then for centuries the believers of this bug and his tales about the imaginary man will wait outside grocery stores and shopping malls handing out pamphlets that nobody wants.
Posts: 18,321

07-18-2019, 01:16 PM	#41
Eleazar Beyond the Rapids Join Date: May 2003 Location: Langley, VA Casino cash: $-370000	There's only one problem with your theory - this bug, the one who received direct revelation of your existence, can't communicate with other bugs. Your stature as a supreme being will not last beyond its already short lifespan. Furthermore, even if he can communicate, he's probably too embarrassed to tell the other insects that he got himself turned upside down somehow. That has to rank pretty highly on the list of ways for an insect to embarrass himself. It would be like getting your head stuck in a chair.
Posts: 80,659	1 0

07-18-2019, 01:38 PM	#43
DJJasonp My work speaks for itself!!! Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: So Cal Casino cash: $-1694800	Is your religion one where the bugs can depict you in drawings? __________________ Its easier to fool a man, than to convince a man he's been fooled.
Posts: 13,896

07-18-2019, 02:42 PM	#45
MarkDavis'Haircut MVP Join Date: Aug 2017 Casino cash: $2910400	I love this place.
Posts: 15,754