Life Personal advice sought, v. II. - Page 5

Direckshun · 11:24 PM

I started a personal advice thread that you guys, god bless ya'll, were kind enough to sincerely offer some words of advice.

The thread featured a friend of mine, well a couple friends of mine who are married to one another. The dude, whom I met them through, is cheating on the girl. My friends had for a while slowly started learning about this, and I picked up the news through the grapevine as well.

I talked to a lot of people, ChiefsPlanet included, about what to do. Do I confront my friend the cheater, calling him out privately and telling him to get his act together, or allow the situation to work itself out as if I saw/heard nothing.

Your advice, overwhelmingly, was to "stay out of it."

Well let me approach the issue from the other side.

As I said, I am friends with both of these individuals, including the chick who for all I know is living under the impression that her husband is loyal.

Here's the question: if I do not have an obligation to step in and tell him to cut his shit out, do I NOT have an obligation to alert her to the situation?

I mean it. **** my male friend -- if my woman was cheating on me and my friends ****ing knew about it, wouldn't it be the all-time dick move not to tell me? For them to continue hanging out with me, allowing me to persist believing in something that isn't happening?

Wouldn't you want your friends to tell you if they knew? Or would you prefer them to stay out of it -- even if they knew.

Thanks in advance for the round of advice.

Matter of fact, if your advice is to "stay out of it," I want you to answer this question:

Would you prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your significant other was cheating on you?

ForeverChiefs58 · 05-04-2009, 08:10 AM

Great idea. You and fiancee tell her one night after a few drinks, she will be mad and upset, perfect time for a group hug. Then try to get your fiancee and the girl to start kissing. BING BANG BOOM! After the threesome, you will basically be in the same situation, only you will feel a LOT better about it all.

ForeverChiefs58 · 05-04-2009, 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luv

How is he trying to break them up? They can't work anything out if she doesn't know.

The couple will talk about this new discovery that you shed light on, he will explain it to her and twist it and say he is sorry. Cheating is not a deal breaker for a lot of people. She will stay with him. Of course they both will stop hanging out with you and you are left scratching your head wondering why you got involved to begin with.

Frazod · 05-04-2009, 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lumpy

What I cannot understand is how he is getting away w/ it and she's not seeing the red flags.

Sometimes people go out of their way not to see them. It's very possible that she knows or at least suspects but is in denial over it.

**luv** · 05-04-2009, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ForeverChiefs58

The couple will talk about this new discovery that you shed light on, he will explain it to her and twist it and say he is sorry. Cheating is not a deal breaker for a lot of people. She will stay with him. Of course they both will stop hanging out with you and you are left scratching your head wondering why you got involved to begin with.

What's to explain?

"Honey, I found a woman (or two or three) who I was physically attracted to and ****ed them. Sorry I forgot to mention it."

If it was one time, that MIGHT be something you could work out.

ForeverChiefs58 · 05-04-2009, 08:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luv

What's to explain?

"Honey, I found a woman (or two or three) who I was physically attracted to and ****ed them. Sorry I forgot to mention it."

If it was one time, that MIGHT be something you could work out.

I have known a few guys that have done this as well, and they are usually good with smooth talking, that is what helped them get in the situation to begin with. Spouse/whatever forgives the other person and you are bad guy.

**luv** · 05-04-2009, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ForeverChiefs58

I have known a few guys that have done this as well, and they are usually good with smooth talking, that is what helped them get in the situation to begin with. Spouse/whatever forgives the other person and you are bad guy.

All I know is that, if that girl was me and I found out they knew the whole time and didn't bother saying anything just to save their own asses, I wouldn't consider them friends.

Looks like he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. If I was damned either way, I'd want to do what I felt was right.

Of course, what D considers right is completely up to him.

**Lumpy** · 05-04-2009, 08:42 AM

I agree w/ Luv.

FAX · 05-04-2009, 08:46 AM

Peeps do bad stuff to themselves all the time, Mr. Direckshun. You can't get involved in every situation, all the time. Although I bow to your desire to be a good friend, I think this is a personal matter between two peeps and you should allow it to work itself out on its own.

Meanwhile, since you feel as you do, I wouldn't spend time with the cheater guy. I'd write him off. A man who cheats on his woman is a turd extraordinaire and undeserving of friends like you.

FAX

Jilly · 05-04-2009, 08:56 AM

Can I ask if you have a personal interest in this girl?

**DeezNutz** · 05-04-2009, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jilly

Can I ask if you have a personal interest in this girl?

Jilly · 05-04-2009, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DeezNutz

What can I say? It's my nature. Imagine being friends with me....it would so piss you off.

**DeezNutz** · 05-04-2009, 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jilly

What can I say? It's my nature. Imagine being friends with me....it would so piss you off.

Nah. It's cool.

And considering that he's asking the exact same question, worded slightly differently, a couple of weeks later, the question is warranted.

My guess: he's gots a secret that he's having a tough time keeping.

"Imagine being friends..."???!!! Shocked I say, shocked. Imagine my surprise at this depressing news.

Mile High Mania · 05-04-2009, 09:04 AM

Here's my thought on this...

And, I'm saying this because it's apparently eating at you a great deal. If you would want to know and would be unhappy with your "true friends" that knew, yet failed to tell you... then have the conversation with one of them.

If you confront the guy, there's no telling what happens... you'll definitely end the relationship and if you're ok with that, then do it.

Maybe one of the girls "in the know" should talk to his wife, but I'm not sure that is the role you need to play in this one. I think you either need to talk to the guy, or either your girlfriend or one of the other women needs to talk with her.

I've thought about this quite a bit... and if one of my very best friends were cheating on his wife, and I was good friends with both... I would very likely have a conversation with him.

It could be viewed as the total dick thing for me to do, and had this been 10 years ago when I was in my late 20s, I would likely just keep quiet and roll with it. But, now... I'd likely have a conversation with my good friend.

If it were just a guy that was friends with me and as couples we all knew each other, but we were not close... I'd stay out of it.

But, you keep asking about this... so, you have a personal conflict with the issue and while seeking advice is good, either take it and move on or do what your gut tells you to do.

Just be prepared to deal with the circumstances. Crazy things happen and who knows, maybe the wife knows and doesn't care. Sounds odd, but it happens. You're on a slippery slope... make your decision and move on.

And, yes... if my wife were cheating on me and my close buddies knew, yet didn't tell me... I'd be pissed.

Jilly · 05-04-2009, 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DeezNutz

Nah. It's cool.

And considering that he's asking the exact same question, worded slightly differently, a couple of weeks later, the question is warranted.

My guess: he's gots a secret that he's having a tough time keeping.

"Imagine being friends..."???!!! Shocked I say, shocked. Imagine my surprise at this depressing news.

Well...I meant RL friends. The kind that email and text and stuff. You know..... oh geez..... I made it worse.

**DeezNutz** · 05-04-2009, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jilly

Well...I meant RL friends. The kind that email and text and stuff. You know..... oh geez..... I made it worse.

Yep. There's the catch...I don't text.

Alas, we'll have to continue to kick it via the Planet.

05-03-2009, 11:15 PM
Direckshun __ Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Springpatch Casino cash: $4183447	Personal advice sought, v. II. I started a personal advice thread that you guys, god bless ya'll, were kind enough to sincerely offer some words of advice. The thread featured a friend of mine, well a couple friends of mine who are married to one another. The dude, whom I met them through, is cheating on the girl. My friends had for a while slowly started learning about this, and I picked up the news through the grapevine as well. I talked to a lot of people, ChiefsPlanet included, about what to do. Do I confront my friend the cheater, calling him out privately and telling him to get his act together, or allow the situation to work itself out as if I saw/heard nothing. Your advice, overwhelmingly, was to "stay out of it." Well let me approach the issue from the other side. As I said, I am friends with both of these individuals, including the chick who for all I know is living under the impression that her husband is loyal. Here's the question: if I do not have an obligation to step in and tell him to cut his shit out, do I NOT have an obligation to alert her to the situation? I mean it. ** my male friend -- if my woman was cheating on me and my friends *ing knew about it, wouldn't it be the all-time dick move not to tell me? For them to continue hanging out with me, allowing me to persist believing in something that isn't happening? Wouldn't you want your friends to tell you if they knew? Or would you prefer them to stay out of it -- even if they knew. Thanks in advance for the round of advice. Matter of fact, if your advice is to "stay out of it," I want you to answer this question: Would you prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your significant other was cheating on you? Last edited by Direckshun; 05-03-2009 at 11:24 PM..*
Posts: 59,314

05-04-2009, 08:10 AM	#61
ForeverChiefs58 MVP Join Date: Mar 2009 Casino cash: $2715326	Great idea. You and fiancee tell her one night after a few drinks, she will be mad and upset, perfect time for a group hug. Then try to get your fiancee and the girl to start kissing. BING BANG BOOM! After the threesome, you will basically be in the same situation, only you will feel a LOT better about it all.
Posts: 10,530

05-04-2009, 08:46 AM	#68
FAX testing ... 1, 2, 3 Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Tennessee Casino cash: $6753759	Peeps do bad stuff to themselves all the time, Mr. Direckshun. You can't get involved in every situation, all the time. Although I bow to your desire to be a good friend, I think this is a personal matter between two peeps and you should allow it to work itself out on its own. Meanwhile, since you feel as you do, I wouldn't spend time with the cheater guy. I'd write him off. A man who cheats on his woman is a turd extraordinaire and undeserving of friends like you. FAX
Posts: 44,492

05-04-2009, 08:56 AM	#69
Jilly MVP Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $10004925	Can I ask if you have a personal interest in this girl?
Posts: 8,461

05-04-2009, 09:04 AM	#73
Mile High Mania #triggering Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Tejas Casino cash: $3457229	Here's my thought on this... And, I'm saying this because it's apparently eating at you a great deal. If you would want to know and would be unhappy with your "true friends" that knew, yet failed to tell you... then have the conversation with one of them. If you confront the guy, there's no telling what happens... you'll definitely end the relationship and if you're ok with that, then do it. Maybe one of the girls "in the know" should talk to his wife, but I'm not sure that is the role you need to play in this one. I think you either need to talk to the guy, or either your girlfriend or one of the other women needs to talk with her. I've thought about this quite a bit... and if one of my very best friends were cheating on his wife, and I was good friends with both... I would very likely have a conversation with him. It could be viewed as the total dick thing for me to do, and had this been 10 years ago when I was in my late 20s, I would likely just keep quiet and roll with it. But, now... I'd likely have a conversation with my good friend. If it were just a guy that was friends with me and as couples we all knew each other, but we were not close... I'd stay out of it. But, you keep asking about this... so, you have a personal conflict with the issue and while seeking advice is good, either take it and move on or do what your gut tells you to do. Just be prepared to deal with the circumstances. Crazy things happen and who knows, maybe the wife knows and doesn't care. Sounds odd, but it happens. You're on a slippery slope... make your decision and move on. And, yes... if my wife were cheating on me and my close buddies knew, yet didn't tell me... I'd be pissed. __________________
Posts: 30,343