I think there might be bears in my back yard. - Page 6

**Rain Man** · 04-13-2005, 08:51 AM

Last night, my wife came to me and said that she's seeing "bear spots" in our yard. She took me outside and, lo and behold, there are several places in the yard where all the grass is gone, presumably the result of bears rolling around or something.

(By the way, I don't know much about bear behavior, but I did notice that they must seem to like the spots in our yard that get the most sun. So be careful if you're in a sunny area.)

Now I'm afraid to go outside. My wife says that she can call a company to take care of the bear spots, but that's not going to fix the core problem of bears rolling around outside just feet from my house. My wife thinks this isn't a big deal, but I'm worried. Any suggestions?

Calcountry · 04-13-2005, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewChief

I'm just fuggin with you

Unfortunately, I called your local PETA chapter, and they didnt' think it was so funny.

Seriously, I think it's cool that you've made a niche small business work, especially in a place as expensive to live as Cali. Props to you.

By the way, I am calling PETA and tell them what you are doing to that fish in your Avvy.

Jenny Gump · 04-13-2005, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CosmicPal

I highly doubt these are bears you are talking about, Kev.

C'mon- you are in the middle of the city. How do you think a bear is going to make it to your backyard without being noticed. You think the bear put on a clown suit and walked on it's hind legs for say, oh, uhm, 20 or 30 miles into town? And I don't buy the fact the bear rode in on a unicycle either.

You know what would be awesome? Is to dress a bear up in a bear suit, that way, when someone starts to unzip the suit, they're thinking "Heh...just a stupid bear suit....I should've known."

Then they find a real bear inside and get eaten. That would be really funny.

**Rain Man** · 04-13-2005, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JennyGump

You know what would be awesome? Is to dress a bear up in a bear suit, that way, when someone starts to unzip the suit, they're thinking "Heh...just a stupid bear suit....I should've known."

Then they find a real bear inside and get eaten. That would be really funny.

You really should turn your mind toward solving the secrets of the universe.

**Skip Towne** · 04-13-2005, 04:49 PM

I think Kevin is making all this up in an attempt to boost the bear industry.

**Rain Man** · 04-13-2005, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skip Towne

I think Kevin is making all this up in an attempt to boost the bear industry.

Gotta stop all those Canadian imports somehow...

**Skip Towne** · 04-13-2005, 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Gotta stop all those Canadian imports somehow...

Yeah, nothing worse than a glut of Canadian bears.

Hydrae · 04-13-2005, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JennyGump

You know what would be awesome? Is to dress a bear up in a bear suit, that way, when someone starts to unzip the suit, they're thinking "Heh...just a stupid bear suit....I should've known."

Then they find a real bear inside and get eaten. That would be really funny.

Are you related to Jack Handy?

mcan · 04-13-2005, 06:20 PM

Oh bear spots huh...

I knew a guy who had bear spots one time. He got letter bombed a couple weeks later and died from schrapnal wounds to his FACE! UGH. It was ugly too. Open casket funeral was a bad idea.

My advice to you is to move out, get an unlisted number, and/or get a bomb sniffing dog to go through your mail. You can't be too careful and frankly I care about my Chiefsplanet bretheren, and I'd hate to see you get killed or even worse. I've gone to the liberty of calling the terrorist hotline for you already. You should be getting a visit from the FBI any day now to inspect these spots, and to offer you a great deal on a "bear spot and bomb resistant" mailbox. I already have one. Of course, after what I've been through was there ever any doubt.

Good luck man,
Mcan

BigOlChiefsfan · 04-13-2005, 06:48 PM

I think you should set out food for the bears and then when any show up to be fed, give them guns and knives. As an American we all have a right to keep and arm bears.

When you feed those hairy rascals, make sure it's a low-fiber diet you provide. Otherwise, watch out for bar stools.

mcan · 04-13-2005, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigOlChiefsfan

I think you should set out food for the bears and then when any show up to be fed, give them guns and knives. As an American we all have a right to keep and arm bears.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigOlChiefsfan

When you feed those hairy rascals, make sure it's a low-fiber diet you provide. Otherwise, watch out for bar stools.

angel · 04-13-2005, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rain Man

These are all good suggestions so far. My wife seems to think the problem can be solved by just spreading a bunch of fertilizer around, but come on. These are bears we're talking about.

I'm thinking maybe a rhino. I'll bet bears hate rhinos.

I like the way you're thinking, however, rhinos might pose more of a problem than the bears.
First of all, rhinos can live up to 40 years. That's a long time in human years. Rhinos love eating grass, trees, bushes and other foliage. If you think the "bear spots" are a problem, wait until you see what a 1,000 pound rhino will do to your yard.
Then you have to take into account the endangered thing. Your neighbors might get wind that you have a rhino defending your yard from the bears. When they hear about your rhino, they're going to remember that they once heard the rhino's horn, when ground up, can cure almost anything from fever to food poisoning and will also enhance sexual stamina. Powdered rhino horn is said to be better than viagra and all the other new-fangled drugs they have out there.
But since you brought the rhino to your yard, it's your job to protect this endangered animal now. You'll have to quit your job and guard him full time from your horny neighbors. (no pun intended)
In conclusion, you're on the right track, but I'd try thinking of something other than a rhino... that is, unless you meant the Rhino Records industry. Bears hate pop music.

NewChief · 04-13-2005, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by angel

I like the way you're thinking, however, rhinos might pose more of a problem than the bears.
First of all, rhinos can live up to 40 years. That's a long time in human years. Rhinos love eating grass, trees, bushes and other foliage. If you think the "bear spots" are a problem, wait until you see what a 1,000 pound rhino will do to your yard.
Then you have to take into account the endangered thing. Your neighbors might get wind that you have a rhino defending your yard from the bears. When they hear about your rhino, they're going to remember that they once heard the rhino's horn, when ground up, can cure almost anything from fever to food poisoning and will also enhance sexual stamina. Powdered rhino horn is said to be better than viagra and all the other new-fangled drugs they have out there.
But since you brought the rhino to your yard, it's your job to protect this endangered animal now. You'll have to quit your job and guard him full time from your horny neighbors. (no pun intended)
In conclusion, you're on the right track, but I'd try thinking of something other than a rhino... that is, unless you meant the Rhino Records industry. Bears hate pop music.

Nice.

04-13-2005, 08:51 AM
Rain Man Seize life. Be an ermine. Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: My house Casino cash: $-452449 VARSITY	I think there might be bears in my back yard. Last night, my wife came to me and said that she's seeing "bear spots" in our yard. She took me outside and, lo and behold, there are several places in the yard where all the grass is gone, presumably the result of bears rolling around or something. (By the way, I don't know much about bear behavior, but I did notice that they must seem to like the spots in our yard that get the most sun. So be careful if you're in a sunny area.) Now I'm afraid to go outside. My wife says that she can call a company to take care of the bear spots, but that's not going to fix the core problem of bears rolling around outside just feet from my house. My wife thinks this isn't a big deal, but I'm worried. Any suggestions?
Posts: 145,245

04-13-2005, 04:49 PM	#79
Skip Towne Supporter Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: T-Town Casino cash: $10004900	I think Kevin is making all this up in an attempt to boost the bear industry.
Posts: 69,689

04-13-2005, 06:20 PM	#83
mcan Apr 13,1949 – Dec 15, 2011 Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Kansas City, MO Casino cash: $9996085	Oh bear spots huh... I knew a guy who had bear spots one time. He got letter bombed a couple weeks later and died from schrapnal wounds to his FACE! UGH. It was ugly too. Open casket funeral was a bad idea. My advice to you is to move out, get an unlisted number, and/or get a bomb sniffing dog to go through your mail. You can't be too careful and frankly I care about my Chiefsplanet bretheren, and I'd hate to see you get killed or even worse. I've gone to the liberty of calling the terrorist hotline for you already. You should be getting a visit from the FBI any day now to inspect these spots, and to offer you a great deal on a "bear spot and bomb resistant" mailbox. I already have one. Of course, after what I've been through was there ever any doubt. Good luck man, Mcan
Posts: 3,761

04-13-2005, 06:48 PM	#84
BigOlChiefsfan Certified Bourbon taster Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Shawnee KS Casino cash: $6380157	I think you should set out food for the bears and then when any show up to be fed, give them guns and knives. As an American we all have a right to keep and arm bears. When you feed those hairy rascals, make sure it's a low-fiber diet you provide. Otherwise, watch out for bar stools. __________________ A man can never own too much red wine, too many books, or too much ammunition. -- R. Kipling
Posts: 5,164