Should I confront my fiance over text messages I found?

[Jim Jones]

I guarantee this thread isn't going to be about what the thread title might have led you to think it's about. Sorry about that...

Anyway -- was reading text messages on my fiance's cell phone (Yes, I do that, I'm a privacy invader...but past relationships have led me to be a little paranoid).

I read texts between her and her sister and mom, basically trashing my family, which is who we're spending Christmas Eve with. It wasn't just like your usual, "not really looking forward to going to the in-laws", but it was actually pretty vicious stuff. She was trashing my mom's cooking, basically saying she doesn't like my mom at all (my family has been AMAZING to her)..complaining that all we do is "sit around and talk with a sports game on the TV), trashing my parents house, my sister and her "annoying kid". It was really nasty stuff and a side of her I haven't really seen before.

Question is -- do I confront her? This is all that's gonna be on my mind tomorrow, but confronting her means I have to admit to reading her text messages. I don't know how I can move forward knowing she's been talking all this shit about my family though.

Originally Posted by JASONSAUTO

Why? My wife could look at every text I have ever sent. If she found something to get mad about she should go because she would be a psycho.
Posted via Mobile Device

Yeah. My wife already knows I'm silly. She wouldn't care about anything I've said. I would be just fine with anything I've said with or without here up to an including the comment about that chick's fabulous legs while out with my buddies.

[cdcox]

Originally Posted by Laz

Trust ... to a certain extent, it's gone.

He broke trust by reading the text message
She broke trust by talking shit about his family with someone beside him

Eh. It depends on the circumstance. I don't rely on my wife to meet every single need I have as a person and I don't try to meet every single need she has either. If his wife was just venting, I don't see it as a big deal.

[Saul Good]

Originally Posted by Mosbonian

I disagree....she isn't hiding her dislike for the family. She is putting it out there to be seen. Hiding it is telling NO ONE including her family. But instead she told another and no one keeps a secret like that. Somewhere along the way something happens in the relationship and the sister will feel compelled to speak out of turn and it all goes south from there.

If you think the sister will keep her mouth shut, you're mistaken.

She sent a text to her sister. That isn't putting it out there to be seen.

[burt]

Originally Posted by Phobia

Yeah. My wife already knows I'm silly. She wouldn't care about anything I've said. I would be just fine with anything I've said with or without here up to an including the comment about that chick's fabulous legs while out with my buddies.

It IS possible to appreciate a fabulous legs without being a creeper.....

[Rain Man]

There are probably some things my wife has said that I'd rather not know, or I'd be divorced. It's probably that way with any couple.

It's immature of his fiance to say stuff like that, if it's as bad as it sounds. It's also terrible of him to be spying on her when he had no reason to not trust her.

If she doesn't like his family and he's spying on her communications, it sounds like they should rethink this relationship.

[jd1020]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

It's immature of his fiance to say stuff like that, if it's as bad as it sounds. It's also terrible of him to be spying on her when he had no reason to not trust her.

Doesn't sound "bad" at all to me.

"Not looking forward to going to my in-laws... Don't like his mothers cooking... All they do is sit around and talk sports... Annoying kids..."

How can one say shit like that?????????!!!!!!!! ITS DISGRACEFUL!

[KurtCobain]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

There are probably some things my wife has said that I'd rather not know, or I'd be divorced. It's probably that way with any couple.

It's immature of his fiance to say stuff like that, if it's as bad as it sounds. It's also terrible of him to be spying on her when he had no reason to not trust her.

If she doesn't like his family and he's spying on her communications, it sounds like they should rethink this relationship.

you should start a relationship poll to see how many people are in insecure situation.

[htismaqe]

Originally Posted by cdcox

Eh. It depends on the circumstance. I don't rely on my wife to meet every single need I have as a person and I don't try to meet every single need she has either. If his wife was just venting, I don't see it as a big deal.

The problem with venting to someone other than him is that she was venting about HIS family.

If she dislikes his family THAT much and he doesn't agree (he obviously doesn't or she would have vented to him) its going to be a point of contention forever.

[Mr. Laz]

Originally Posted by cdcox

Eh. It depends on the circumstance. I don't rely on my wife to meet every single need I have as a person and I don't try to meet every single need she has either. If his wife was just venting, I don't see it as a big deal.

relationships are different

some people talk shit to each other about stuff and just laugh ... it's all good.


but apparently she didn't talk to him about it all

she is just being a snarky bitch BEHIND HIS BACK

not only will it be in the back of his mind each time she is around his family but each time he is around her family he is going to wonder what else they have been talking shit about.

2 completely different things

1. Not liking your in-laws

2. Not liking your in-laws and talking shit about them with someone other than your fiancee/spouse


and you can BET YOUR ASS that if he bring it up that she will flip-the-script and get angry at him about reading her texts and use all sorts of girl tricks during the following argument.

He will be lucky to know what day it is after that fight.

[Mosbonian]

Originally Posted by Saul Good

She sent a text to her sister. That isn't putting it out there to be seen.

I'll repeat my statement again....do you really think the sister will keep it to herself? All it will take is something small and it will come out....

[Mosbonian]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

The problem with venting to someone other than him is that she was venting about HIS family.

If she dislikes his family THAT much and he doesn't agree (he obviously doesn't or she would have vented to him) its going to be a point of contention forever.

This...

[cdcox]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

The problem with venting to someone other than him is that she was venting about HIS family.

If she dislikes his family THAT much and he doesn't agree (he obviously doesn't or she would have vented to him) its going to be a point of contention forever.

Depends on him. If his number one priority is his relationship to his spouse, the relationship to his family becomes subservient. That doesn't mean that relationship is devalued, it just means it is put into a new context. If his number one priority is still his birth family, that really isn't what marriage is supposed to be. A couple can work out differences of opinion on family in many cases.

For example, the husband would prefer to see his family at least once a month. The wife isn't wild about his family. Maybe they settle on six times a year. Maybe the husband occasionally visits his family without his wife. The time that the couple spends with her family would also factor into the compromise. Mature people that respect the desires, needs and boundaries of the other can work thinks out if their expectations aren't completely at odds (eg. he wants to spend every weekend with his family and she never wants to see them again).

[Reaper16]

I'm inclined to agree with the idea that there are trust issues you should work on, but I don't want to give any advice about that; I've never been married or engaged, so I can't pretend to truly understand what that kind of commitment means.

Here's a sneaky idea: after the holiday, bring up to your fiancee that she looked uncomfortable around your family. Say that you saw something in her body language. Never bring up the fact that you invaded her privacy. Use this lie of a physical tell in her body language to bring up a discussion on how she feels about your family. Tell her to be honest, that she can be honest with you.

If she lies to you then, well, then you might have to re-evaluate things.

[jd1020]

Originally Posted by Reaper16

I'm inclined to agree with the idea that there are trust issues you should work on, but I don't want to give any advice about that; I've never been married or engaged, so I can't pretend to truly understand what that kind of commitment means.

Here's a sneaky idea: after the holiday, bring up to your fiancee that she looked uncomfortable around your family. Say that you saw something in her body language. Never bring up the fact that you invaded her privacy. Use this lie of a physical tell in her body language to bring up a discussion on how she feels about your family. Tell her to be honest, that she can be honest with you.

If she lies to you then, well, then you might have to re-evaluate things.

... and the snowflake turns into an avalanche.

[KurtCobain]

Yeah, play mind games. That always works.