Should I confront my fiance over text messages I found?

[Jim Jones]

I guarantee this thread isn't going to be about what the thread title might have led you to think it's about. Sorry about that...

Anyway -- was reading text messages on my fiance's cell phone (Yes, I do that, I'm a privacy invader...but past relationships have led me to be a little paranoid).

I read texts between her and her sister and mom, basically trashing my family, which is who we're spending Christmas Eve with. It wasn't just like your usual, "not really looking forward to going to the in-laws", but it was actually pretty vicious stuff. She was trashing my mom's cooking, basically saying she doesn't like my mom at all (my family has been AMAZING to her)..complaining that all we do is "sit around and talk with a sports game on the TV), trashing my parents house, my sister and her "annoying kid". It was really nasty stuff and a side of her I haven't really seen before.

Question is -- do I confront her? This is all that's gonna be on my mind tomorrow, but confronting her means I have to admit to reading her text messages. I don't know how I can move forward knowing she's been talking all this shit about my family though.

[htismaqe]

Originally Posted by Mosbonian

LOL.....mmaddog.....

HFS

[Jim Jones]

Lots of good stuff in this thread, thanks all. Now, to address a few points:

First of all, I'm not worried about the "what else is she lying about?" thing because, hell, I've read her text messages, so I know exactly what is going on with her.

Secondly, I think it's interesting the split on people who think it's OK and those who think it's creepy for me to read her texts. I fully admit I have insecurities/trust issues based on past relationships. I don't think that means I am incapable of being in a relationship. If I "snoop" around and read her phone and find something bad, then **** it, I'm glad I did it. It's better to find out that way then find out 10 years into marriage that I'm handcuffed to a total bitch.

In a little bit of defense for myself, I'm totally open with my shit. Sometimes I'll get a text or I'll be texting someone and she'll pick up my phone to see who it's from or ask who I'm texting and I'll show her. She also goes on my phone to play games. I don't have a passcode on my phone or anything so she's totally open to snoop through there if she wants. Has she? I don't know, but she won't find anything questionable if she does.

[jspchief]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

It will eventually affect the relationship, especially when it comes to kids.

Not necessarily. You have no way of knowing that.

[jd1020]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

You said you don't have any proof she was lying. Well, technically we don't have proof that she has done ANYTHING.

What we have is the story of a guy who was paranoid to read his fiancé's text messages without her knowledge...

We have a story about a girl who isn't crazy about her inlaws, but spends time with them because they are her fiances family and is polite to them.

Coupled with a paranoid dude who can't let go of the past.

I haven't read through the entire thread so maybe it's been mentioned before but do we know how long they've been together? Has it been a short time? How many people are going to come out and say, "I really hate your family" after the first few visits?

[Mosbonian]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

HFS

It probably doesn't help I have changed my handle a couple of times....got tired of the occasional irreverent "dog" references when I was "mmaddog"

Then I changed it to Dsnyfn (short for Disney Fan) but then I got all kinds of wonderful comments about what that probably stood for....the best being "Dumb Sh** NY Fan"

So i had them change it to my old HS nickname....my favorite Coach and mentor gave it to me.

[soopamanluva]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

I'd they have a large gap in their feelings one of them is going to have to give up more than what they are comfortable with. That leads to regret and resentment.

I'm not suggesting they have to be in lock-step. Everybody in a relationship has disagreements. But if their fundamental views of his family are that far off, a bit of compromise won't be enough.

You are right. I'm going through this very issue right now. It does cause problems. I dont like my inlaws and SHE LOVES her fam. Its always a point of contention. She finally just let me stop going around them.

The difference between the op and me is I tell her how I feel and I don't fake.

[BWillie]

If she really is a bitch and shes just nice on the exterior that will come out soon when your married. Id never admit snooping though...but I would consider what life will be like w this woman ten yrs from now....

[kcbubb]

Originally Posted by Jim Jones

Lots of good stuff in this thread, thanks all. Now, to address a few points:

First of all, I'm not worried about the "what else is she lying about?" thing because, hell, I've read her text messages, so I know exactly what is going on with her.

Secondly, I think it's interesting the split on people who think it's OK and those who think it's creepy for me to read her texts. I fully admit I have insecurities/trust issues based on past relationships. I don't think that means I am incapable of being in a relationship. If I "snoop" around and read her phone and find something bad, then **** it, I'm glad I did it. It's better to find out that way then find out 10 years into marriage that I'm handcuffed to a total bitch.

In a little bit of defense for myself, I'm totally open with my shit. Sometimes I'll get a text or I'll be texting someone and she'll pick up my phone to see who it's from or ask who I'm texting and I'll show her. She also goes on my phone to play games. I don't have a passcode on my phone or anything so she's totally open to snoop through there if she wants. Has she? I don't know, but she won't find anything questionable if she does.

I think you have this sense of guilt for looking through her phone. Get over it. You are marrying this girl and you need to know what you are getting into. She knows that you have trust issues from dishonesty in past relationships. You should know she feels about your family.

[ShowtimeSBMVP]

Originally Posted by Jim Jones

Lots of good stuff in this thread, thanks all. Now, to address a few points:

First of all, I'm not worried about the "what else is she lying about?" thing because, hell, I've read her text messages, so I know exactly what is going on with her.

Secondly, I think it's interesting the split on people who think it's OK and those who think it's creepy for me to read her texts. I fully admit I have insecurities/trust issues based on past relationships. I don't think that means I am incapable of being in a relationship. If I "snoop" around and read her phone and find something bad, then **** it, I'm glad I did it. It's better to find out that way then find out 10 years into marriage that I'm handcuffed to a total bitch.

In a little bit of defense for myself, I'm totally open with my shit. Sometimes I'll get a text or I'll be texting someone and she'll pick up my phone to see who it's from or ask who I'm texting and I'll show her. She also goes on my phone to play games. I don't have a passcode on my phone or anything so she's totally open to snoop through there if she wants. Has she? I don't know, but she won't find anything questionable if she does.

Anyway she found out about you looking at her phone? She might of just said these things to call you out on it.

[jd1020]

Originally Posted by ChiefsandO'sfan

Anyway she found out about you looking at her phone? She might of just said these things to call you out on it.

And the paranoid get more paranoid.

[cdcox]

Originally Posted by jspchief

I think the thing being lost here is that in-law relationships vary widely.

Some people may find themselves spending many weekdays/weekends around their in-laws, while others may only interact with in-laws on a few occasions per year. That plays a big part in how bit of a deal it is that she doesn't like them. If she hates them, but only has to put on a friendly front 4 times per year, is it really going to impact the relationship?

Clearly everyone is adding their opinion based on personal experience, which may or may not mirror their situation.

A lot of truth here. It would be really important to know what the expectations were going into a marriage.

[Chief_For_Life58]

just dump this bitch....find yourself a nice alcoholic chick in the smoking section at next seasons home opener

[KurtCobain]

Originally Posted by Chief_For_Life58

just dump this bitch....find yourself a nice alcoholic chick in the smoking section at next seasons home opener

Solid advice

[KC native]

Not reading the thread, but I ****ing hate my wife's family but my wife knows that.

Soooooooooo....I can't tell you what to do.

[damaticous]

I guess I was lucky. my fiance and her daughters were honest about not liking my father. It's something I've heard from all my friends and girlfriends since Jr. High. So I'm used to it.

Some personalities clash and sometimes those personalities are meaningful and close to you. Yeah, it sucks, but no one can make everyone happy.

confront her? Yes. You aren't married. Honesty and communication are VERY important to a relationship...even if you don't agree or understand.

give her props for hanging in their and doing things (spending time with your family) that she doesn't like, but explain to her that they are your family, you love them, and will forever be tied to them.

Hopefully both of you can be understanding and come to an mutual agreement of something that will satisfy you both.