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Old 12-24-2012, 12:52 AM  
Jim Jones Jim Jones is offline
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Should I confront my fiance over text messages I found?
I guarantee this thread isn't going to be about what the thread title might have led you to think it's about. Sorry about that...

Anyway -- was reading text messages on my fiance's cell phone (Yes, I do that, I'm a privacy invader...but past relationships have led me to be a little paranoid).

I read texts between her and her sister and mom, basically trashing my family, which is who we're spending Christmas Eve with. It wasn't just like your usual, "not really looking forward to going to the in-laws", but it was actually pretty vicious stuff. She was trashing my mom's cooking, basically saying she doesn't like my mom at all (my family has been AMAZING to her)..complaining that all we do is "sit around and talk with a sports game on the TV), trashing my parents house, my sister and her "annoying kid". It was really nasty stuff and a side of her I haven't really seen before.

Question is -- do I confront her? This is all that's gonna be on my mind tomorrow, but confronting her means I have to admit to reading her text messages. I don't know how I can move forward knowing she's been talking all this shit about my family though.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:26 AM   #211
SAUTO SAUTO is offline
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Originally Posted by Dave Lane View Post
And I guarantee if she went thru all his unedited messages she'd be all pissed off too.
Why? My wife could look at every text I have ever sent. If she found something to get mad about she should go because she would be a psycho.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:27 AM   #212
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Relationships would be much easier if text messages would just delete themselves automatically.
There is a program out there now that will erase Internet posts and tweets that you send. You set an "expiration date" and it automatically erases the trace of the item.

I saw a story about it on TV the other day.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:29 AM   #213
KurtCobain KurtCobain is offline
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If she saw this thread his ass would be out on the street already.
and boom goes the dynamite
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:31 AM   #214
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Originally Posted by Dave Lane View Post
And I guarantee if she went thru all his unedited messages she'd be all pissed off too.
If my wife went though my text messages, she won't learn anything that I haven't already told her. She knows exactly how I feel about her family because I don't lie about it. The only time I tell her she can't go through my e-mails is when I've ordered a gift for her and want it to be a surprise. Marriage should be a partnership between two people who trust each other, not some endless sneaking cold war. My first marriage was like that. Not this one.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:34 AM   #215
Iowanian Iowanian is offline
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I think the bigger problem isn't reading the messages, but the fact that you thought you should.

When facebook came into play and we'd heard some of the stories about what happens, brideowanian and I had a discussion about it. The answer is that we have an open book policy. I've never asked, but if I do, I have the right to read anything she has in an email, message box or text, and that goes both ways. To my knowledge, we've neither one felt the need to follow up.

A healthy relationship wouldn't contain messages that would be dangerous to the relationship. Bitching about your mother's shitty cooking isn't nice to read, but it's not the same as exchanging sexually suggestive notes with a coworker or something.

Do the world a favor and don't get married until you're both mature enough for that commitment.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:34 AM   #216
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If my wife went though my text messages, she won't learn anything that I haven't already told her. She knows exactly how I feel about her family because I don't lie about it. The only time I tell her she can't go through my e-mails is when I've ordered a gift for her and want it to be a surprise. Marriage should be a partnership between two people who trust each other, not some endless sneaking cold war. My first marriage was like that. Not this one.
This. I have nothing to hide because if I feel some way I just say it.

Hiding and sneaking is for pussies
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:37 AM   #217
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My mother-in-law IS a shitty cook. And my wife already knows it because she's eaten much more of her cooking than I ever will.

Can't wait for tomorrow's runny/lumpy mashed potatoes.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:38 AM   #218
KurtCobain KurtCobain is offline
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Originally Posted by frazod View Post
If my wife went though my text messages, she won't learn anything that I haven't already told her. She knows exactly how I feel about her family because I don't lie about it. The only time I tell her she can't go through my e-mails is when I've ordered a gift for her and want it to be a surprise. Marriage should be a partnership between two people who trust each other, not some endless sneaking cold war. My first marriage was like that. Not this one.
my marriage was a disaster. I went through her text messages and she was flirting with guys. Hardcore. I called her out and it made things bad. So my genius ass started flirting with girls that I didn't rally care for via text and left my phone around her to see how she liked it. Everyday fighting ensued until separation.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:43 AM   #219
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my marriage was a disaster. I went through her text messages and she was flirting with guys. Hardcore. I called her out and it made things bad. So my genius ass started flirting with girls that I didn't rally care for via text and left my phone around her to see how she liked it. Everyday fighting ensued until separation.
My first marriage predated text messages, but I recognize the pattern. After trust is gone, you have nothing.

Life is a series of learning experiences. You learn from your mistakes, learn to look for warning signs, and move on.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:50 AM   #220
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You sound very insecure reading her texts.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:51 AM   #221
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Some people have hinted around this so far but is any if the shit she is talking on your family true? If so then where's the problem?
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:53 AM   #222
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Some people have hinted around this so far but is any if the shit she is talking on your family true? If so then where's the problem?
Trust ... to a certain extent, it's gone.

He broke trust by reading the text message
She broke trust by talking shit about his family with someone beside him
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:55 AM   #223
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Originally Posted by JASONSAUTO View Post
Why? My wife could look at every text I have ever sent. If she found something to get mad about she should go because she would be a psycho.
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Good for you. I'd like comments I made to another person to be private.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:56 AM   #224
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shes going to spin this around on YOU the moment you confront her

she will turn it into the whole "you looked at my phone/invaded my privacy you creep" argument right to the forefront, and your goals and points about your family will be clearly overshadowed

thus she will be mad at you, you will be mad at her, nothing will be resolved and like someone says this could pull you two apart. Because I have never met a female (or anyone for that matter) that was okay with her private crap being looked at. And if this girls been trash talking in her private time, no way she will be okay with it either.

Good luck, no good way to go about this one.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:59 AM   #225
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I dont see it that way. Everyday she isnt honest with her feelings, shes lying to him. Then what about when kids come? Is she gonna flip a bitch when its time for his family to watch them because she doesnt trust or like them? So many issues can arise from that

And please believe if it was reversed, she'd have no problem calling him out.

And he's a grown man, let him be in charge of whether his feelings are hurt because she doesnt like his fam. She owes it to him to tell him.
And if shes not honest about this, what else is she not honest about?
Yep.

Unless they both SHARE the same feelings for his family, it's going to be a constant point of contention until something gives.

There are fundamental things on which you MUST agree in order for a marriage to work.
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