Not yet late night bullshit: prepare to be depressed.

[Direckshun]

From a scouting report in 2008:

Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU

There was one rule that applied before all others for opponents of LSU this season: Find some way to keep Dorsey from destroying the offensive game plan. Few accomplished the feat and those that did were required to devote more than one player to handle the task. Dorsey simply can't be contained one-on-one. He has the awards to illustrate his dominance, as he claimed the Bronko Nagurski Award for defensive player of the year, the Vince Lombardi Award for outstanding lineman and the Outland Trophy as most outstanding interior lineman. As a senior, Dorsey had 64 tackles (39 solo), 11.5 tackles for loss and six sacks while playing the second half of the season with a sore knee. He's explosive off the ball, which helped him consistently collapse the pocket. He's more than just a space eater against the run. He has the speed to shoot gaps and strength to fight through double teams and get to the ball-carrier. He doesn't have long arms, which can let blockers get in on him. But, he still gets off blocks well. The bottom line is he's just more athletic than a man his size should be and what has NFL scouts drooling is he knows how to maximize his physical gifts. With Miami holding the No. 1 pick and in dire need of help to stop the run, there's a good possibility he's the top selection. If the Dolphins pass, he won't last long.

2009:

Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU

At one point during the 2007 season, Jackson was thought to become a first round pick in the NFL Draft if he declined to return to Baton Rouge for his senior year. A disappointing junior campaign, however, left Jackson with a diminished draft stock and convinced him to return to LSU. He recorded only 3.5 sacks (down from 8.5 in his sophomore season) and 4.5 tackles-for-loss. His numbers did explode off the charts in 2008 (4.5 sacks), but that was in part because LSU had so many other future NFL stars making plays on the defensive end of the field. The good news for Jackson is that the NFL will love his physical makeup regardless of his stats. He can carry his 6'5", 292-pound frame through a 40-yard-dash in about 4.8 seconds. Jackson seems even faster than that coming off the end, even though his end speed isn't exactly dominant. His long wing span also comes in handy for wreaking havoc on opposing quarterbacks. Inconsistency is an issue for Jackson, but part of that is due to seeing double-teams from offensive lines. That won't happen to him in the NFL, at least not right away. Furthermore, Jackson should be able to play either end in a 3-4 scheme or tackle in a 3-4, and that versatility is valued in the NFL. Look for Jackson to come off the board in the middle of the first round in this month's draft.

The second-to-last sentence in this one will make you groan:

Alex Magee, DE, Purdue

Alex Magee could join the long line of Boilermaker defenders to make it to the NFL in recent years. Purdue had a disappointing season, but Magee continued to play fairly well. He has bounced back and forth from year to year (and even game to game) between defensive tackle and defensive end while at Purdue. Magee has shown a great deal of versatility during his collegiate career. He has appeared in 50 games during his four years at Purdue. For his career he has registered 117 tackles, 14 tackles for loss, 6 sacks, 4 passes broken up in coverage, 1 interception, and forced 3 fumbles. The key to his draft status will be what position NFL GMs see him playing. He has bulked up to 295 pounds for this season, giving him the size to play defensive end in either a 4-3 or 3-4 defense. Magee's best position however, may be as a pass rushing under tackle, playing next to one of the big NFL space eaters at the nose tackle. Magee also gives teams a big boost in the kicking game. He has some experience lining up as the personal protector for the punter on special teams, and has blocked 3 kicks during his time at Purdue. Time will only tell if Magee's lack of a definite position hurts his stock, or makes him a target of multiple teams with diverse needs. Magee should be able to produce good combine numbers, which should elevate him in many GM's eyes. If he has good workouts, he could hear his name called sometime in the fourth round. Alex Magee was a late add to January's Senior Bowl event. Even though he got there late, Magee was impressive. Many scouts found him to be quicker and more powerful than they had seen on tape. He recorded only 1 tackle during the game. His performance, coupled with the number of teams switching to the 3-4 defense, should help to improve his stock. Because he's an ideal fit at the 3-4 defensive end, he'll likely get drafted higher than he would have if that position wasn't so highly sought after this year. Alex Magee had a solid workout at the NFL Combine. He ran a good time of 5.05 seconds in the 40 yard dash, and showed off adequate strength with his 30 reps of 225 pounds on the bench press. Magee is rising up draft boards because he's very versatile. He's quick enough to be the left end in a 4-3 defense and strong enough to play inside next to a big nose tackle. He also adds value as a 3-4 end prospect. Magee should be drafted somewhere in the third round of the 2009 draft. Alex Magee lowered his 40 yard dash time to an impressive 4.82 seconds at his Pro Day workout. He has been quietly making his case as the second best 3-4 end prospect in the draft behind Tyson Jackson. Magee will likely be selected in the early third round.

If only, folks. There's an alternate timeline somewhere where Dorsey and Jackson are pounding the shit out of backfields and racking up sacks by the dozen.