Hypothetical: An Intruder In Your Home

[Rain Man]

Here's the scenario.

After a long day at work, you come home to your tastefully appointed two-story suburban home. As you pull into the garage, you notice that your neighbors are home on both sides, and silently say thanks for your large yard since one of them is hard of hearing and has a Matlock rerun turned up at full volume, and the other is having another one of those weird parties where everyone shows up in leather and big stuffed animal costumes. But they're far enough away that you won't notice anything once you're inside.

Your significant other and any kids are out of town at a luge convention, so you have the house to yourself. You eat ribs and baked beans over the sink, play angry birds until your phone dies, and leave it in the living room to charge.

You watch a couple of old episodes of M*A*S*H (including one where Alan Alda talks about how senseless war is), and then decide to go upstairs to bed. You wander up, forgetting your phone, and brush your teeth.

You're just about to take off your shoes, and you hear a noise. A crash of broken glass. Then some scrabbling noises and there are footsteps downstairs. It's obvious that someone has broken in.

Ping!

You hear the distinctive sound of an aluminum baseball bat, followed by the sound of broken glass. Then again. And again. You hear drawers opening and closing. You hear a male voice muttering, "No one keeps cash in their house any more," and then hear the distinctive multi-dish crash of your china cabinet being pulled over.

You look around the room, and have the following weapons at your disposal.

- An 8-inch authentic bowie knife that you got during your vacation at the Alamo last year.

- A 28-inch wood baseball bat that you used to drive in the tying run in 8th grade Little League.

- A non-working but realistic-looking replica shotgun that you got on Home Shopping Network's "Tribute to Elmer Fudd" night.

You only have time to grab one weapon since they're all in display mounts on the wall.

You have no gun because your significant other is convinced that if you had a son he would look like Trayvon, and offered you a night that you could not refuse if you would take it to the police station and trade it in for tickets to the upcoming luge convention.

You hear footsteps coming up the stairs. The way the stairs are situated, you can hide behind a corner and get the element of surprise at close range just as the intruder reaches the top of the stairs, or you can stand in the middle of the room and have a 12-foot distance before the person comes into view. If you run toward the stairs, he'll be six steps from the top by the time you arrive.

Once the intruder comes up the stairs, you and he will be in the same room since your house has an open loft-style second floor. There's a closet in the room, and the only furniture is a futon and a couple of spartan Japanese stacking chests.

There is also a window that is open. A jump out the window will lead to a 12-foot fall onto a patio that will almost certainly break a leg but will not be fatal.

Thump. Thump. Thump. The footsteps are coming up the stairs.

What do you do? Assume that you are not a superhero or a ninja, and that you are merely yourself.

Poll coming.

[Oxford]

Originally Posted by CrazyPhuD

Where's the option to use the pent up gas from chilli at dinner to rip one so big it blows the doors off the house and gasses any intruder into oblivion?

My 13yo Labrador can handle that without the chili. I'd call 911 and have them dispatch, then hit the MF with a ball bat

[beach tribe]

We meet on the third step down and someone is dead from massive head trauma before they hit the bottom of the stairs.

[Saul Good]

Originally Posted by Mac-NinersChiefs

If the intruder is arriving at the top of the stairs, and you can't protect the home by swinging a bat at him in his precarious position? (not saying you).. then you need to buy a home monitoring alarm and a gun... and put bars up on all the windows... and reinforce the doors... and get a vicious guard dog.. and...

If the dude has a gun, a bat may or may not do the trick. The guy is coming up stairs. He is in motion. He only has to move very slightly to cause an adrenaline-filled, untrained homeowner to miss delivering a knockout blow. After one swing, a bat is nearly worthless in close quarters. If that guy has a gun, he will get off a shot before you can swing again.

Knives don't miss from close quarters.

[DJ's left nut]

**** it - I'm out.

I'm young and pretty spry, I've jumped off a hell of a lot of things in that 8-10 foot range with nothing more than a stinger. 12 feet isn't going to break my leg.

I'm not ****ing around with the Bowie knife - if I lose, he stabs my ass. That's not good times.

The bat...well it's wood vs. aluminum at that point. Sure, I might get the drop on him, but if I don't, he's got a faster bat with more force behind it. And that's assuming that he doesn't have a gun as well (and he might) Nah, also not a good idea.

Replica shotgun would probably be my choice if I couldn't escape in that I'd club his ass with it then turn it on him. There's little risk of having it turned against me because it doesn't fire and it's still pretty scary. Most home invaders will get out of dodge once they're challenged. Even if he has a gun, he's just looking for easy money, not a shootout at the OK Corral. If he thinks you're as armed as he is, he'll most likely jet.

But in the end - I just don't care. I'm insured. Heck, I'm over-insured. In your hypotheticals my dogs aren't there and any family is gone. So WTF do I care if this dude breaks some shit - I'll just get to buy new shit with the money State Farm gives me.

Nah, I'm not going to risk getting beat into a coma or stabbed in the throat to save some dishes.

[Iowanian]

Changed my mind.

I climb out the upstairs window and go poop in the drivers seat of the getaway car....or steal it. Depends on the mood. Maybe both.


See how that sonnabitch likes losing all of his Journey and 38 Special 8 tracks.....

[Sandy Vagina]

Originally Posted by Saul Good

If the dude has a gun, a bat may or may not do the trick. The guy is coming up stairs. He is in motion. He only has to move very slightly to cause an adrenaline-filled, untrained homeowner to miss delivering a knockout blow. After one swing, a bat is nearly worthless in close quarters. If that guy has a gun, he will get off a shot before you can swing again.

Knives don't miss from close quarters.

The thought of a gun definitely gives you an edge on this one... I was thinking he had no gun.. only a bat.. but I guess you can't be sure. Anyway, with this part as part of the given scenario...

You hear footsteps coming up the stairs. The way the stairs are situated, you can hide behind a corner and get the element of surprise at close range just as the intruder reaches the top of the stairs

I'd say you had an excellent chance of winning this battle... if only because he is in a very difficult position on the stairs. A mere push would have him hurling down the flight of stairs.. so a bat would all the more do the trick of taking full advantage.

.. but not knowing if he has a loaded gun and is ready to fire it at the mere twitch of something crossing his vision? Yeah.. it's a risk... but I like my chances still.

[Kaepernick]

Originally Posted by Nickel D

My question...just so we're clear on the scenario...is this: Is my home located in Florida?

I was hoping for Texas. You can pretty much do anything you want to an intruder, even if said intruder flees from your home, and still smoke him into BBQ brisket afterwards. All legally.

[Predarat]

Where is the option for "Kill him to death"??

[kepp]

Where's the squatting at 35 degrees option?

[Predarat]

Or you could put anitfreeze in a cup next to a half full bottle of Midori. Like the pic below but the bottle is half full and the cup is full of anitfreeze. Home Invader drinks the antifreeze thinking its Midori and dies.

[blaise]

I heard one comedian do a bit where he said he'd act like he was there robbing the house, too. Like, "You're robbing this place? Me too!"

[CHENZ A!]

That dumb**** is getting stabbed repeatedly in this scenario.