The 2014 CP Roasts thread

[Pasta Little Brioni]

Since the Broncos fail finished another NFL season, it is time for some off season shenanigans. By request of some quality longterm posters, I have started this thread for CPers to show off their smack skills. Let it begin....

[rico]

# 69: Setsuna

* I was hesitant to do this one because roasting Setsuna is eerily similar to literally roasting chocolate in a crock-pot. A meltdown is inevitable and things are bound to get messy.

* Setsuna is commonly referred to as “Token” on Chiefsplanet. I assume this is because he is our “token” Jaguars fan. Every NFL team’s message board has a Jags fan poster, since the Jags fanbase is so darn stupid, none of them have figured a way to create their own message board. So of course, they sponge off of other NFL teams’ boards. It’s either that, or he got the nickname because he has tendency to steal arcade game tokens from people. One thing that I’ve learned in life is to never trust a Jaguars fan, especially if you have any form of currency in your pockets.

* Setsuna has a year round tan. Must be freaking nice living in Florida, where the sun shines all year round. I’d love to not have to spend money on a tanning bed during the winter and I’m sure Simply Red can relate.

* Setsuna ended up making Chiefsplanet his home on accident. Initially, he was trying to locate a different planet with members who are more similar to him…planet of the apes. These people are more similar to him because in terms of science……..Setsuna is really interested in Science fiction.

* When you google the word, “Setsuna,” you will discover that it is a Japanese word meaning, “a moment; an instant.” I don’t know why, but when I read the word, “instant,” it immediately reminded me of Uncle Ben’s instant cream of wheat. I tell ya what, when that Uncle Ben’s package indicates the cream of wheat being “instant,” it means it. During the Olympics one summer, I was able to begin fixin’ a bowl of that at the start of a Michael Phelps swim race, and was finished so quickly that I was still able to catch the majority of Michael Phelps proving himself the master of the swim race. And speaking of uncles, I recently read a well-known, influential book titled, “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” I’d recommend the book to Setsuna if I felt he was interested in any reading material besides Japanimation comics.

* Pros: I like him. He’s hands down, our best Jaguars troll. He is way better than Blackmon. With a username like, “Blackmon,” I knew that guy was no good from the start. Yup, a username based off a stereotypical trouble-makin’ Jacksonville Jaguar, racking up DUI’s and receiving a 4 game suspension for the start of the 2013 season due to violating the substance abuse policy. Sounds about right. Setsuna lives in Florida. I hear they grow good watermelon in Florida. Maybe he could bring some Florida watermelon up with him to Kansas City for a visit sometime…?!?! That would be nice of him.

* Cons: He is probably an ex-con (most Japanimation-Jaguars fans are). Ex-cons like Setsuna are the reason(s) why that bastard, Aaron Hernandez will probably get away with murder. Setsuna claimed he was going to convert from the Jags to being a Chiefs fan if the Chiefs ended up with Cyrus Gray and Tyler Bray on their roster. He did not follow through with this and honestly, I don’t know why I thought he would to begin with, for you can’t trust a Jaguars fan to remain faithful to his word. Oh well, once you go Jack, you never go back, I guess….

* Future Outlook: Chiefsplanet is like a horror movie and I predict Setsuna will be the first one to die in this shit-show. The reason being because of all this jazz I constantly hear about the Jaguars moving to Los Angeles. Jaguars fans are a dying breed.

[BigRedChief]

Originally Posted by WayneBowe

/end thread

not quite

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in KC, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum and I wish you would go away.

You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-reeruned, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

[rico]

Originally Posted by cosmo20002

Has Rico been banned from this thread? It's for his own good.

Shee-it...if anyone will advocate for banning me from this thread, it ain't gon' be PGM.

[J Diddy]

Originally Posted by Dayze

Katipan is so ugly, I wouldn't **** her with Joey's dick.

Yeah well Joey's dick is so ugly that she wouldn't, ur, ugh, wouldn't want to anyway.

[cosmo20002]

Originally Posted by rico

Shee-it...if anyone will advocate for banning me from this thread, it ain't gon' be PGM.

You posted your roast at the exact same time I asked if you were banned. Creepy.

Now I need to go back and read it. I have my fingers crossed for you.

[cosmo20002]

Originally Posted by rico

# 69: Setsuna

* Setsuna ended up making Chiefsplanet his home on accident. Initially, he was trying to locate a different planet with members who are more similar to him…planet of the apes. These people are more similar to him because in terms of science……..Setsuna is really interested in Science fiction.

Da-yum!

[rico]

Thread was dead when I posted my Direckshun roast... for what it's worth (written a long time ago):

Somewhere in the top 20: Direckshun

This guy is a character.

* I think Direckshun’s username is supposed to imply the word, “direction.” Considering the consistencies between radical liberals and hipsters, I’ve always just assumed he chose to spell his username the way he did because the man tends to possess a few “hipster” characteristics. If this is the case, I don’t get the "irony." The only irony I am able to pick up on is the fact that there seems to be a ton of DC lunatics on this forum who probably would like to put a scalding hot iron to his face.

* Direckshun, implying “direction.” It’s so ironic how his username seems open ended, for the “direction” isn’t specified in his username. As if there is any sort of mystery as to which direction this man tends to lean towards. In fact, the only “rection” associated with Direckshun that can be considered a mystery, is which gender gives him an E-rection. Anyways, you can figure out which direction Direckshun tends to lean toward, simply by spending a mere millisecond on the DC sub-forum. For those of you who still don’t know which direction this man leans towards, let me give you a hint: “It isn’t right. IT ISN’T ****ING RIGHT!!!!”

* It is a fact generally known by most CP users that Direckshun seems to have an obsession with the draft. Which is ironic, for if this were 1965, I’d fully expect Direckshun to be a draft dodger…and today he’d be spending his time mocking CFL shit. And if Direckshun were ever drafted by the Dodgers, his sole purpose on that team would be to stroke the pe….err, I mean ego of catcher, Mike Piazza before games, for Direckshun has semi-recently been very vocal regarding how enamored he is with catchers. “Catching” hits close to home with Direckshun, presumably because it can be considered symbolic or metaphorical in terms of the role he assumes in his own personal life.

* Despite the fact that I fully expect Direckshun’s eccentricities to eventually result in him doing something looney enough that will ultimately result in him being shunned from every school in the U.S.A. (with an exception of Catholic schools), he is, in fact, a teacher. So how has he spent his summer break so far? From what I’ve gathered via CP posts, Direckshun has spent the majority of his time playing soccer (and getting injured via twisting his knee in the wrong “direction” -DMAC), fantasizing about catchers and thinking about; George Zimmerman, Sarah Murnaghan, SCOTUS ruling on the Voting Rights Act, Eric Snowden, the GOP's immigration reform problem, the sins of the State Department, infrastructure investment, Syria, climate change, The Beveridge Curve, "The Five," GOP extremism, vol. XXCL, the Farm Bill cluster****, banking on "The Daily Show," and soda sin tax. Not only has he stated that he is “thinking” about these things, but he has gone “full rico” in terms of detailing his thoughts pertaining to every single one of these issues. It appears VERY time consuming. So time consuming, in fact, that I can’t help, but wonder how a mature, ball-loving man like Direckshun finds the time to find privacy, put his hand in his pocket, grab his tiny little utensil, grip his tiny little utensil and……draftabulate.

* I sure as shit hope you aren’t offended, Direckshun. I am only mocking you in good fun. Please don’t shun me, for I genuinely like you.

* Pro: gesterone levels that are abnormally high is what makes Direckshun the way she is.

* Cons: piracy theories that are glaringly anti-conservative.

* Future Outlook: After being shunned from all schools and while taking a break from creating mock drafts, Direckshun will post anti-conservative conspiracy theories that are fueled by the abnormally high levels of progesterone produced by her body.

[TimBone]

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

Scott Free has been letting the butthurt flow freely as of late.

He's aching for a roast.

I couldn't do Scott Free. I have absolutely nothing for negatives on him.

Even though I know it's not happening, I'd like to see Saul Good roast Hootie. Saul is the Roast master around here and Hootie definitely has a ton of ammo to be used against him. It think it would truly be one for the ages.

[TLO]

Originally Posted by rico

# 69: Setsuna

* I was hesitant to do this one because roasting Setsuna is eerily similar to literally roasting chocolate in a crock-pot. A meltdown is inevitable and things are bound to get messy.

* Setsuna is commonly referred to as “Token” on Chiefsplanet. I assume this is because he is our “token” Jaguars fan. Every NFL team’s message board has a Jags fan poster, since the Jags fanbase is so darn stupid, none of them have figured a way to create their own message board. So of course, they sponge off of other NFL teams’ boards. It’s either that, or he got the nickname because he has tendency to steal arcade game tokens from people. One thing that I’ve learned in life is to never trust a Jaguars fan, especially if you have any form of currency in your pockets.

* Setsuna has a year round tan. Must be freaking nice living in Florida, where the sun shines all year round. I’d love to not have to spend money on a tanning bed during the winter and I’m sure Simply Red can relate.

* Setsuna ended up making Chiefsplanet his home on accident. Initially, he was trying to locate a different planet with members who are more similar to him…planet of the apes. These people are more similar to him because in terms of science……..Setsuna is really interested in Science fiction.

* When you google the word, “Setsuna,” you will discover that it is a Japanese word meaning, “a moment; an instant.” I don’t know why, but when I read the word, “instant,” it immediately reminded me of Uncle Ben’s instant cream of wheat. I tell ya what, when that Uncle Ben’s package indicates the cream of wheat being “instant,” it means it. During the Olympics one summer, I was able to begin fixin’ a bowl of that at the start of a Michael Phelps swim race, and was finished so quickly that I was still able to catch the majority of Michael Phelps proving himself the master of the swim race. And speaking of uncles, I recently read a well-known, influential book titled, “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” I’d recommend the book to Setsuna if I felt he was interested in any reading material besides Japanimation comics.

* Pros: I like him. He’s hands down, our best Jaguars troll. He is way better than Blackmon. With a username like, “Blackmon,” I knew that guy was no good from the start. Yup, a username based off a stereotypical trouble-makin’ Jacksonville Jaguar, racking up DUI’s and receiving a 4 game suspension for the start of the 2013 season due to violating the substance abuse policy. Sounds about right. Setsuna lives in Florida. I hear they grow good watermelon in Florida. Maybe he could bring some Florida watermelon up with him to Kansas City for a visit sometime…?!?! That would be nice of him.

* Cons: He is probably an ex-con (most Japanimation-Jaguars fans are). Ex-cons like Setsuna are the reason(s) why that bastard, Aaron Hernandez will probably get away with murder. Setsuna claimed he was going to convert from the Jags to being a Chiefs fan if the Chiefs ended up with Cyrus Gray and Tyler Bray on their roster. He did not follow through with this and honestly, I don’t know why I thought he would to begin with, for you can’t trust a Jaguars fan to remain faithful to his word. Oh well, once you go Jack, you never go back, I guess….

* Future Outlook: Chiefsplanet is like a horror movie and I predict Setsuna will be the first one to die in this shit-show. The reason being because of all this jazz I constantly hear about the Jaguars moving to Los Angeles. Jaguars fans are a dying breed.

I remember when I first read this. Good shit.

[Katipan]

Originally Posted by J Diddy

Yeah well Joey's dick is so ugly that she wouldn't, ur, ugh, wouldn't want to anyway.

If sympathy ****s didn't happen the only time your dick would feel moisture is after you've curled into the fetal position and cried yourself to sleep.

[Pasta Little Brioni]

Originally Posted by cosmo20002

Has Rico been banned from this thread? It's for his own good.

Oh hell no. He is going to help turn this into yet another legendary thread.

[J Diddy]

Originally Posted by Katipan

If sympathy ****s didn't happen the only time your dick would feel moisture is after you've curled into the fetal position and cried yourself to sleep.

That's funny but not true. There's a lot of ways to get moisture on your penis if you have a desire. My preferred method is crisco.

[Easy 6]

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

Scott Free has been letting the butthurt flow freely as of late.

He's aching for a roast.

One post where I stated I was tired of being nice isnt exactly "flowing freely"... but by all means, let it rip.

[TimBone]

Originally Posted by J Diddy

That's funny but not true. There's a lot of ways to get moisture on your penis if you have a desire. My preferred method is crisco.

Showering is up there for most folks.

[cosmo20002]

Originally Posted by Katipan

If sympathy ****s didn't happen the only time your dick would feel moisture is after you've curled into the fetal position and cried yourself to sleep.

Da-yum!