CP's Roast of.....Hootie presented by rico

[Pasta Little Brioni]

Alright, rico, billay, and anyone else wanting to do some roasting of the enigma Hootie here is your stage. If it's popular, we'll continue with the series. If it blows...well we'll just pretend it never happened.

[rico]

Originally Posted by Bo's Pelini

I have a chick from pof coming over right now

I like you, man. I hope things between you and the pof (whatever that is) work out well.

[ThaVirus]

Originally Posted by rico

That face.

[crazycoffey]

Originally Posted by unnecessary drama

I'm tired of letting Phil down.

Now you have something in common with pink......

[crazycoffey]

Originally Posted by rico

2 days ago, I made a fool out of myself. Then tried digging myself out of it and ended up making an even bigger fool outta myself.

Welcome to the party pal. /John McClain

[Sassy Squatch]

Originally Posted by rico

Nothing. Just **** off, pragmatica.

Actually, ugh...I can't carry on like that.

I'll delete my previous post. It was dumb.

Nope. Gonna have to skull**** you now. No lube either. Hope you don't enjoy.

[Titty Meat]

Originally Posted by rico

I like you, man. I hope things between you and the pof (whatever that is) work out well.

I'm trying to wrap my head around this. She was here maybe an hour didn't say shit after we talked for 2 hrs on the phone. Didn't even get a goodbye hug lol

[rico]

Originally Posted by Bo's Pelini

I'm trying to wrap my head around this. She was here maybe an hour didn't say shit after we talked for 2 hrs on the phone. Didn't even get a goodbye hug lol

Ouch....sounds like it was an awwwwkward night with her.

[Titty Meat]

Originally Posted by rico

Ouch....sounds like it was an awwwwkward night with her.

I told her how boring she was she snapped

[KChiefer]

Hootie personally guarantees that every guest will awake with their hand between two pillows

[rico]

Done.

Just need to proofread and shit.

[rico]

Rico's Roast of Hootie

(EDIT, TOOK OUT WRESTLING BOARD SHIT AND FIRST EXPERIENCES AT CP AND FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH HOOTIE STORY)

So when I initially created my account, I browsed the wall of the CP facebook page to try and put faces to some of these CP usernames. One of the posts stuck out to me, not only because of its content, but because of the amount of buzz it was receiving. Shit, there were at least 40-50 comments on it. The original post was done by a guy named Rick. Rick Poutyman, but many of the people who responded to his post, referred to him as “Hootie.” His last name was ironic, for “pouting” was all he seemed to have any intentions of doing in his facebook rant(s). He had been banned and upon investigation afterwards, for just reasoning.

What INITIALLY struck me about the Hootie guy was his profile pic. I gasped. He looked EXACTLY like someone I knew. Someone from my past. Someone who was from the backwoods-boondocks who very likely could be inbred. Someone who rode my bus. Someone who is literally a gene or two from being considered clinically mentally reeruned. Someone who was 2 grades above me, yet over-sized and over-aged for his grade. Someone who beat all of the kids on the bus up with an exception of my brother and I, for he was afraid my crazy dad would kick his ass. Someone who had the smile of a mentally reeruned person…the same smile this “Hootie” had on his face in his profile pic. The smile resembles the mentally reeruned character, “Eli,” from the TV show, “Freaks and Geeks.”



This person was someone who probably would have been hung for being a “rotten apple,” had he been born a couple centuries earlier. This guy felt like cool shit because it was the first year he didn’t have to ride the short bus. He literally was a window-licker, for he used to lick the frost off the windows with pride, and whichever kid he was sitting with, he would insist they join the party and if they refused, he would shove their faces against the frosted windows to ensure they were licking the windows with him. He wasn’t just a window-licker. He was a window-licking enthusiast.

He was also literally, a mouth-breather. This wasn’t completely his fault though. He couldn’t breathe through his nose for he damaged it so badly one day when he looked in the mirror and punched himself in the nose because he thought someone was tea-bagging him. (With Hootie’s self-proclaimed sexual exploits, I expect this to possibly be a reason for his own mouth-breathing. Only in his case, he probably actually was being tea-bagged). And finally, this cat who rode my bus, had a ****ed up ear. His head was all dented in on one side and his ear looked all biffed up and crooked as a result. I have this guy on my facebook friends list and while I refuse to post a picture of his face, for it would be in bad taste and probably a bannable offense, I sure as shit will post a picture of his ear:


And to top everything off, his name is Chancey.

HIS NAME IS ****ING CHANCEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why on Earth would you name your son that unless you had plans of him being mentally reeruned prior to his birth?!?!

AND MY FIRST IMPRESSION OF HOOTIE AFTER SEEING HIS PROFILE PIC WAS THAT HE APPEARED EERILY SIMILAR TO ****ING CHANCEY!!!!

With that said, it has been difficult seeing Hootie post on here without immediately thinking of Chancey, which to everyone else, doesn't mean shit, but to me...it's borderline traumatic.

I literally had to do a double-take…to make sure it wasn’t him. And it wasn’t him. His name wasn’t “Chancey.” But it wasn’t much better, either. The dude’s (Hootie’s) name is RICK. Rick is the name I applied to my blog’s mascot. Rick’s whole purpose in my blog is to represent the “epitome of idiocy,” who generally appeals to my readers that prefer visual/crude/idiotic humor over written/crude/idiotic humor. Rick is a mullet-sportin,’ cut-off jean shorts and cut-off t-shirt wearin,’ toothless piece of white trash. The fact that I named him Rick, was not an accident. “Rick” is the first name that came to my mind when I thought up this white trash mullet man. Kind of gives you an idea of my personal perception of the name, “Rick.”



(EDIT, TOOK OUT A BUNCHA RICK SHIT)

So this Rick Hootie dude on the CP facebook page was the epitome of butt-hurt because he had evidently been banned from CP. He cried on and on, complaining about how he had been mistreated and blah-blah-blah and how one of the mods called him a rapist, which I found interesting because Hootie, to me, came off as a self-proclaimed rape victim making false accusations towards the mods. Especially since he pointed fingers at every one of the mods except the one he claimed to genuinely like, which was apparently the one who had actually banned him. With that said, Hootie would have been more inclined to know what was going on and would actually be able to locate his head if it wasn’t lodged so far up DaFace’s ass. Eventually, he’s going to emerge from DaFace’s face.


Whenever I read about one of Hootie’s sexual exploits, my initial thoughts aren’t, “1-10 how hot,” “is she a slut,” “was she a freak in the sack,” etc. My first thought is, “Chancey.” My second thought is, “Rick.” My 3rd, 4th and 5th thoughts are “was it rufilin?” “Was it benzodiazepines?” “Was she THAT drunk?" (EDIT: I CUT A BUNCHA THIS...IT WAS STUPID)


Chancey's wife looks like Tom Sizemore with a wig on. Therefore via generalization, it's probably not TOO difficult to fathom why I would assume Hootie is banging similar Tom Sizemore-looking bitches...


So I started connecting all these faces/names on the CP facebook page with CP usernames and I noticed that one of Hootie’s biggest haters is a user named, “luv.” I think she even went as far as to say, “I hate that guy” in regards to Hootie. If luv’s name implies “love” as it strongly suggests and if Jesus Christ is the representative of “love,” as he is widely believed to be, then ladies and gentlemen, JESUS HATES HOOTIE.

Hootie is always contradicting himself. Here is one of the countless examples: At 12:00 PM today, Hootie posted (in the top 101 list with Hootie thread):

Originally Posted by unnecessary drama

Rico really gay'd up this thread and fast

That comes off to me as if he is referring to “gay” in condescending fashion in his description of how badly I screwed that thread up for a while there.

However, 4 minutes later, he said this:

Originally Posted by unnecessary drama

in case anyone wants an update of my night last night

definitely attended a drag show, kissed at least 5 gay dudes on the mouth, and banged a really, really, really, really hot slut last night

Wtf? Should I have taken his first comment as a compliment? What a change in tone. If Hootie isn’t gay, he at least has tendencies. If that post doesn’t prove it, I don’t know what does.

Usually people who contradict themselves frequently, wind up with a lot of holes in their stories. Hootie has been accused MANY times of this. With that said, if Hootie were a brand of cheese he’d be Swiss. Speaking of holes, I’ll even take it a step further by saying if Hootie were cheese, he’d be a slice of Swiss cheese on Frazod’s hot ham and swiss that he ate to wash down the Wendy’s triple-decker with large fries and 2 extra Junior bacon cheeseburgers that he ate on his Chiefsplanet work lunch break and shat out of the hole ofhis notoriously chubby ass.


Growing up, if a girl ever showed me attention, my mom said it was because she liked me. Even if the attention was negative. For example, if a girl repeatedly teased me in class and utilized any opportunity possible to take a jab at me, that meant she liked me. Which made sense, for sometimes when these girls were captains in P.E. class, they'd select me first (while blushing). Hootie gives Donger and Frazod a lot of attention, so he could be the girl who secretly admires both of them. In fact, with this gay stuff that he’s been spewing out lately, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants to put his Donger in Frazod notoriously mushy, pimply butt…or at the least, put his Donger in Russel Wilson.


A lot of you stated that roasting Hootie would be a difficult task. It is a difficult task. It is difficult to roast something or someone that appears to be burning already due to being a train wreck. More like, a train that derailed, wrecked into a tree, causing a wide-spread fire. In Hootie’s case, if there is any legitimacy to his sexual exploits, whatsoever, he probably has AIDS. And if he were the tree that was burning due to the train wrecking into it, that would make him a burning AIDS tree. Go ahead, tell someone to die in a burning AIDS tree. You’re basically telling them to die in a Hootie, which makes sense because every gay dude who puts his penis in Hootie’s ass dies…..of AIDS. Hootie is the burning AIDS tree. And the Hootie fanboys are all just sitting around, telling Hootie stories while roasting their Stay Puft Marshmallow Frazods over the fire.


On the flippity-flip, Hootie has a very unique outlook regarding football, IMO. One of the homeslices on here I lurk and learn from. Also, to his defense, back when that CP facebook page drama was going on, I clicked on his facebook page to see how much he really resembles Chancey. He doesn’t really. He just does in a couple pictures where he was goofing off, which he was goofing off in his profile pic…I can see how the dude hooks up with beer-sluts, no homo. I am not a Hootie-hater. (EDIT: CHOPPED OUT A LOT OF UNNECESSARY VERBIAGE)

BILLAY!!! GET TO THA CHOPPA!!! It's your turn, mang.

[KCUnited]

It's still early, hoss. You still have time to delete that Cassel Hail Mary, Hometeam chest tattoo of a roast before a bunch of people see it

[Consistent1]

Originally Posted by KCUnited

It's still early, hoss. You still have time to delete that Cassel Hail Mary, Hometeam chest tattoo of a roast before a bunch of people see it

Haha. I was going to recommend that he ask a mod to ban him for a week for the sake of his own mental health.

[houstonwhodat]

Who the **** is Hootie?

Hottie and the blowfish?

tl;dr