Should I confront my fiance over text messages I found?

[Jim Jones]

I guarantee this thread isn't going to be about what the thread title might have led you to think it's about. Sorry about that...

Anyway -- was reading text messages on my fiance's cell phone (Yes, I do that, I'm a privacy invader...but past relationships have led me to be a little paranoid).

I read texts between her and her sister and mom, basically trashing my family, which is who we're spending Christmas Eve with. It wasn't just like your usual, "not really looking forward to going to the in-laws", but it was actually pretty vicious stuff. She was trashing my mom's cooking, basically saying she doesn't like my mom at all (my family has been AMAZING to her)..complaining that all we do is "sit around and talk with a sports game on the TV), trashing my parents house, my sister and her "annoying kid". It was really nasty stuff and a side of her I haven't really seen before.

Question is -- do I confront her? This is all that's gonna be on my mind tomorrow, but confronting her means I have to admit to reading her text messages. I don't know how I can move forward knowing she's been talking all this shit about my family though.

[BigMeatballDave]

Originally Posted by Saul Good

Why is she shit? Maybe his family sucks. She isn't obligated to like them. She is only obligated to treat them with respect. Venting to her sister in confidence isn't breaching her duty.

No, she's not obligated to like them, but she is obligated to be truthful and not hide things from her future spouse.

[Brock]

Originally Posted by Saul Good

Why is she shit? Maybe his family sucks. She isn't obligated to like them. She is only obligated to treat them with respect. Venting to her sister in confidence isn't breaching her duty.

If I'm aware of somebody talking shit about my family whether in confidence or not, I'm done with them. YMMV.

[KS Smitty]

31 years ago I wasn't overly impressed with my fiance's family. Today they are every bit as important and special to me as my own and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

31 years ago if my fiance had been snooping through my private letters he wouldn't be my husband today. That's just wrong.

[okcchief]

Originally Posted by Saul Good

Why is she shit? Maybe his family sucks. She isn't obligated to like them. She is only obligated to treat them with respect. Venting to her sister in confidence isn't breaching her duty.

If she can't be honest with him about it it's the tip of the iceberg. I've seen many of my friends make this mistake over the years.

[BigMeatballDave]

Originally Posted by Saul Good

You, on the other hand, are creepy. I've met several people who do stuff like this, and they are all insecure, immature people who can't handle adult relationships. You aren't ready for marriage.

This is complete bullshit. You don't think it's wrong for her to hide shit? She obviously doesn't have the guts to be honest with him.

[stevieray]

two things...

1) you don't trust her, your actions verify this...there has to be a reason why...my guess is you know the answer to that...no trust means a foundation bulit on dishonesty...and now, from both sides...i

2) most people find what they are looking..for..you have to ask yourself, waht if it's true? does the possibillty of inlaw perceptions and relationships interfering exist? and if so, what are you willing to DO about it...

[KS Smitty]

Many of you are talking about her not being honest? How honest is it for him to be going through her texts????

[AustinChief]

Originally Posted by Brock

If I'm aware of somebody talking shit about my family whether in confidence or not, I'm done with them. YMMV.

Pretty much this.

In this case, we are missing a ton of context and the exact wording... but if it was truly vicious and mean spirited... that's just not the kind of person I would be comfortable spending my life with. But again, without knowing more, you may be blowing things out of proportion and interpreting it to be far worse than it really is. If your assessment IS correct though, she doesn't sound like a very nice person and if it were me I'd start working on an exit strategy.

[KS Smitty]

Originally Posted by Dave

This is complete bullshit. You don't think it's wrong for her to hide shit? She obviously doesn't have the guts to be honest with him.

She is hiding something that will hurt him, and she is still willing to be with his family which means that it may not be as bad as she tells her sister.

**** it, end it now and don't even try to find out what it may be like 30 years later.

[Hootie]

my last girlfriend and I never, not one time, felt the need to read each other's text messages.

When I was 18 my first girlfriend and I were having serious issues. I moved away to college and broke up with her, found out she started hanging out with one of my close friends from back home and it turned into a huge competition to see who would win. This is my favorite relationship because it taught me everything to NEVER do again. One time she was over and I took her phone and threatened to read her text messages and she FREAKED out. I knew then and there that A) the relationship was over and B) my God I'd never put myself in that situation again.

Since then I've picked four girlfriends all from the same mold. They simply never work out, so I need to re-brand myself I think, but the last thing either of us would ever do would be to read each other's text messages behind one another's back. I wouldn't even think about it, and we'd leave our phones around unattended at each other's places consistently.

I would never want to date someone like I dated in high school (after we broke up the first time). Competition relationships were awful and after it took me a good 6 months and a college dropout when I was 18 the first time around...I learned REAL quick.

BUT...that is one lesson I'm glad I learned.

[KS Smitty]

Originally Posted by AustinChief

Pretty much this.

In this case, we are missing a ton of context and the exact wording... but if it was truly vicious and mean spirited... that's just not the kind of person I would be comfortable spending my life with. But again, without knowing more, you may be blowing things out of proportion and interpreting it to be far worse than it really is. If your assessment IS correct though, she doesn't sound like a very nice person and if it were me I'd start working on an exit strategy.

IMO, if she was mean-spirited it would have shown up by now in other ways.

[Hootie]

of course the last two girlfriends of mine and I have broken up because I date college seniors who always move away when the relationships get good and I'm too much of a dipshit to take a chance and move with...or as my friends put it, "Rick why do all of your girlfriends always move 3000 miles away after three months with you?" which is something I should probably look in to.

[AustinChief]

Originally Posted by KS Smitty

Many of you are talking about her not being honest? How honest is it for him to be going through her texts????

Doing it on the sly is dishonest and he is at fault there... but I don't have a real problem with him reading her texts as long as it is an established two way street. People in serious relationships shouldn't keep (current) secrets (obviously a person's past before the relationship is a different story). The problem is... he should have been clear about this from the onset and she should have been forewarned that he didn't agree with having boundaries in that regard.

BTW I disagree with those here who say he should start with an apology about it.. that's not going to help one bit. If I was in his shoes I would confront her about the problem and treat the reading of each other's texts texts as if it is not an issue and act as if she is the crazy one if she tries to make it an issue. Of course, I wouldn't be in the market to salvage things with a chick who says vicious things behind, my back about my family.

EDIT: Just to be clear, I don't read other's texts but I certainly don't have a problem when they read mine. Even if they think they are being sneaky about it.

[AustinChief]

Originally Posted by KS Smitty

IMO, if she was mean-spirited it would have shown up by now in other ways.

yeah, which is why I tend to think the texts may be blown out of proportion... right now I feel I don't have enough info to make any kind of useful suggestions really.

[Lumpy]

Relationships are about trust and communication. If the relationship is lacking those 2 key things, it is doomed. All it takes is for one partner to lose trust in the other and that's when the vicious cycle begins. That person resents the other for lying and that person resents the other for snooping.

Eventually someone will get sick of the shit and leave.