Life Violent, naked, pooping, masturbating home intruder. Guess where? - Page 3

teedubya · 01-23-2013, 10:34 AM

Naked Florida Man Jumps Off Roof Onto Homeowner, Knocks Television Over, Empties Vacuum Cleaner, Masturbates

http://gawker.com/5978198

It's never a dull day in Florida, our country's most fantastic state. Let's set the scene: It's Monday, January 21, and an unnamed North Fort Myers resident is lying in bed relaxing after a hard day's work. Just after 7 p.m., he hears a noise coming from his roof — he thinks it sounds like thunder. He goes outside to investigate the disturbance, when he sees 21-year-old Gregory Matthew Bruni running on his house. Bruni leaps from the roof, tackling the man. Bruni is naked.

From there, Bruni runs into the house, hellbent on destruction. He sees a "large television" minding its own business and knocks it off its stand. He then spies a vacuum cleaner. How do you terrorize a vacuum cleaner? You don't — you just empty its contents back onto the floor. That's what Bruni does. From there, things finally start to get weird:

Bruni then headed toward the couple's son's bedroom, where several guns were stored, so the man's wife fired three warning shots from a .38 revolver.

The arrest report says Bruni fell to the floor - but then began pleasuring himself.

He got up off the floor, ran into the son's bedroom and began rubbing clothing on his face.

Police are called, and they apprehend a flailing, babbling Bruni only after Tasering him. "Tase him, bro," a cop almost certainly says. Bruni is taken to a hospital, but doctors there say they can't identify what drug he is on. The answer is either all of them, or one you've never heard of. Or bath salts. Probably bath salts.

Police charge Bruni with two counts of criminal mischief, battery, occupied burglary and resisting arrest without violence. Everyone else in Florida goes to sleep that night, awaiting their turn.

**CrazyPhuD** · 01-23-2013, 04:11 PM

Radar Chief · 01-23-2013, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gblowfish

Good to know: In Florida, if you get caught red handed committing a crime, just a) drop trou, b) fall to the floor, c) beat it like it owes you money.

Instant psyche defense!

Tough break for “Hand Job”. /PVT Cowboy

**Rain Man** · 01-23-2013, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TinyEvel

If you drop to the floor and start pleasuring yourself, it will distract people from the Q.

listopencil · 01-23-2013, 04:19 PM

Never, ever tackle a naked guy.

Dayze · 01-23-2013, 04:24 PM

this is sound advice.

seclark · 01-23-2013, 04:36 PM

shit on my floor once, shame on you.
shit on my floor twice, shame on me.
sec

The_Doctor10 · 01-23-2013, 04:43 PM

****in Florida...

**BigRedChief** · 01-23-2013, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bowener

I feel like if somebody made animated shorts of FLA headlines/news stories like these, they would find success.

I made an "official" weird Florida news thread but no one uses it.

BlackHelicopters · 01-23-2013, 05:42 PM

Did he vomit also?

01-23-2013, 10:34 AM
teedubya Most Valuable Poster Join Date: Oct 2003 Casino cash: $9490002	Today's Florida News... Naked Florida Man Jumps Off Roof Onto Homeowner, Knocks Television Over, Empties Vacuum Cleaner, Masturbates http://gawker.com/5978198 It's never a dull day in Florida, our country's most fantastic state. Let's set the scene: It's Monday, January 21, and an unnamed North Fort Myers resident is lying in bed relaxing after a hard day's work. Just after 7 p.m., he hears a noise coming from his roof — he thinks it sounds like thunder. He goes outside to investigate the disturbance, when he sees 21-year-old Gregory Matthew Bruni running on his house. Bruni leaps from the roof, tackling the man. Bruni is naked. From there, Bruni runs into the house, hellbent on destruction. He sees a "large television" minding its own business and knocks it off its stand. He then spies a vacuum cleaner. How do you terrorize a vacuum cleaner? You don't — you just empty its contents back onto the floor. That's what Bruni does. From there, things finally start to get weird: Bruni then headed toward the couple's son's bedroom, where several guns were stored, so the man's wife fired three warning shots from a .38 revolver. The arrest report says Bruni fell to the floor - but then began pleasuring himself. He got up off the floor, ran into the son's bedroom and began rubbing clothing on his face. Police are called, and they apprehend a flailing, babbling Bruni only after Tasering him. "Tase him, bro," a cop almost certainly says. Bruni is taken to a hospital, but doctors there say they can't identify what drug he is on. The answer is either all of them, or one you've never heard of. Or bath salts. Probably bath salts. Police charge Bruni with two counts of criminal mischief, battery, occupied burglary and resisting arrest without violence. Everyone else in Florida goes to sleep that night, awaiting their turn.
Posts: 36,649

01-23-2013, 04:11 PM	#31
CrazyPhuD Meow Join Date: Jun 2005 Casino cash: $10005050	__________________ "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t*rd by the clean end"
Posts: 8,523

01-23-2013, 04:19 PM	#34
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $2275880	Never, ever tackle a naked guy. __________________ Everything the State says is a lie, and everything it has...it has stolen.
Posts: 55,896

01-23-2013, 04:24 PM	#35
Dayze Resident Glue Sniffer Join Date: Nov 2003 Casino cash: $5219358	this is sound advice. __________________ Life is 99% inspiration, 1% Perspiration, and 1% Attention to Detial. RIP & Godspeed: Saccoppo Lonewolf Ed Fire Me Boy
Posts: 37,358

01-23-2013, 04:36 PM	#36
seclark MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: nemo Casino cash: $1739900	shit on my floor once, shame on you. shit on my floor twice, shame on me. sec __________________ "Mr. seclark. Wrong for gravy, wrong for jelly, wrong for biscuits." -rj "If every Planeteer who was disliked by another Planeteer stopped being a Planeteer we wouldn't have any Planeteers." -rj
Posts: 13,399

01-23-2013, 05:42 PM	#39
BlackHelicopters Spiraling down the Drain Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Dante's Ninth Circle Casino cash: $2760588	Did he vomit also? __________________ "We're both part of the same hypocrisy, Senator, but never think it applies to my family." "Fredo. You are my brother, and I love you. But never take sides against the Family again. Ever." 2019 Adopt a Chief - Travis Kelce #87
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