What is the best, most awesome, coolest single post on the Planet evah?

[BigRedChief]

What say you? This one in another thread got me thinking...

Quote:

Originally Posted by OnTheWarpath58
Son, we live in a world that has idiotic message board posts, and those posts have to be guarded by men with facts and stats. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Hootie? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for htismaqe, and you curse the Chiefs. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That htismaqe's leaving, while tragic, probably saved him from a nervous breakdown. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves you from a nervous breakdown. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that bulletin board, you need me on that bulletin board. We use words like your and idiot, moran, pie. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent talking football. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a n00b who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the incredible knowledge that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a keyboard, and create a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Let's have some nominations and feedback. I'll put the most popular ones in a poll in a new thread and we can vote. The winner will get a weeks vacation in a place of their choosing(if someone volunteers the money) or else if that doesn't materialize they will have to settle for the designation of the coolest dude or dudette on the planet.







okay, In the interest of fairness some simple criteria for a posts inclusion in the final poll. I've ruled out all of my excellent posts for consideration.

• The text has to be posted in here and a link to where it come from to keep people honest.
• Has to be given the thumbs up by someone else in this thread.
• the name of the person who wrote that post must also be quoted with the post to keep idenity's straight.

so far the nominations for the next round and the poll thread are the one above and these...

postrockpablo

Demon, you're so fucking American..you're like Brett Favre throwing footballs across a pond in Wranglers jeans...only instead of Brett Favre, you're Patrick Swayze throwing natty light cans into the mouth of a 6 foot long, 150 pound bass driving a 1994 Thunderbird Supercoupe off a flaming ramp made of Miller Lite boxes and pride; wearing an evil kenievel jumpsuit and depending on a parachute made of beef jerky and dream catchers, all bound together by Indian tears.

Because you don't fucking litter. That's why.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showt...weekend&page=3

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Quote: CrazyCoffey

I know alot about you, I know that you don't trim and you prefer briefs over thong underwear. You haven't touched yourself in years let alone spread your legs, yet you shave your armpits and bleach your upper lip. You stopped giving your husband head because you think it's gross and you are going to be surprised when you see his credit card bill includes a trip for two at a nice resturant last week and a hotel on the Plaza when he was supposed to be out of town on a business trip.

You want to make yourself feel better by getting involved with political discussion on this board because you can only hide so many snicker's bars and bottles of vodka around the house. What's that noise, oh the dryer just buzzed, better go fold the clothes.

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Originally Posted by GoChiefs

EDIT: Herm and Hitler video

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showt...hlight=frickin

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Quote:

Originally Posted by FAX
And behold, the great media standeth at the door like unto a plague, and knocketh: and if any man heareth their voice, and openeth the door, they will come in to us, and will sup with us, and us with them, and questions shalt they ask of us.

And after this the media looked, and, behold, a door was opened unto the locker room: and the first voice which they did heareth as it were of a trumpet or as a man of great speech and little wisdom; which sayeth, Come up hither, and write down those things which I sayeth.

And immediately was Herm in the spirit: and, behold, a microphone was set before him, and one microphone did he approacheth. And Herm that sat before the microphone was to look upon like a shark and a terrible sardine: and there was a great tribulation round about the microphone, in sight like unto the most murderous fishes of the sea. And out of the microphone proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven reasons of fire and the seven reasons why the offense could not scoreth, which are the seven great excuses. And the first excuse was like unto a dropped pass, and the second like unto a bad call, and the third excuse had a face as of a kicker, and the fourth was like unto a stacked defensive line.

FAX

Quote:

Originally Posted by FAX
And the media did cry with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Herm, dost thou not avenge our losses and mighty concussions and embarrassments in post season?

And in the right hand of him that sat before the microphone was a book written within and without and sealed with seven seals. And behold, then did Herm sayeth in a voice like unto famine, This is thy playbook which I shalt destroy that no man may say that our offense shalt be a circus nor shalt one say evermore that our alignments be complex, for deserveth thee not! And the media wept much, because no man was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon. And so did the fans cast dust on their heads, and rend their garments of red and gold, and cried, weeping and wailing, saying, Alas, alas, the great offense, wherein were all made rich who had wagereth on the over under by reason of her touchdowns, for in this hour is she made desolate!

FAX

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http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showp...2&postcount=16

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rain Man
I've pondered posting this before, but this seems like a good place for it.

Rules for Selecting A Urinal

If there is...

1 urinal present - Use it

2 urinals present - Use either

3 urinals present - Always select Urinal 1 or Urinal 3 if you're the first person, as this gives the next visitor the option of keeping Urinal 2 between you. If you're the second person, obviously use either Urinal 1 or Urinal 3, whichever is unoccupied.

4 urinals present - Always select Urinal 1 or Urinal 4 if you're the first person, as this gives the second visitor the opportunity to keep two urinals between you. If you're the second person, you should select the farthest urinal, though it is not a major faux pas if you select a urinal that is two away.

5 urinals present - If you're the first person, #1 and #5 are strongly preferred, though in reality you can pick #3 without being completely uncouth. If you're the second person, you must ALWAYS select a urinal that is as far away as possible, e.g., if the first person is at #1, you should go to #5, or it is permissible to be an even number of urinals away, e.g., #3 if the first person is at #1. It is a major faux pas to be an odd number of urinals away, e.g. #4 when the first person is at #1, UNLESS the first person has mistakenly selected an even-numbered urinal, in which case you are required to select the farthest urinal from that person.

6 urinals present - This one gets complicated. The first person arriving should select #1 or #6, though it is not a faux pas to select #3 or #4. If you're the second person arriving, you must go to either urinal #1 or #6, whichever is farthest from the first person. Person #3 must then claim either #1 or #6 if either is unoccupied, OR go to #3 or #4, their choice.

7 urinals - Person #1 must always select an odd-numbered urinal, preferably #1 or #7, but #3 and #5 are permissible. Person #2 should select the farthest urinal from Person #1, regardless of Person #1's choice. Person #3 then has the more complicated task, with a choice matrix as follows:

If the others are both at even-numbered urinals, claim the final remaining even-numbered urinal.

If the others are both at odd-numbered urinals, claim another odd-numbered urinal, preferably #1 or #7 if either is unoccupied.

If the others are at an odd-numbered urinal and an even-numbered urinal, then Person #3 should claim any urinal that is at least five urinals distant from them, and if that is not possible, then any urinal that is at least three distant. If that is not possible, then it means that the first two people have gone with a 1/6 or a 2/7 combination, which represents a major indiscretion on someone's part, in which case Person #3 needs to minimize the damage by going with either #3 or #4 in the first case, or #4 or #5 in the second case, and finish as quickly as possible.

I hope this helps.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Direckshun
I've gotten some rep that could qualify as best posts ever.

This is one I got from Duck Dog earlier today (I'll let you deteremine if it was positive or negative rep):

You white liberals are the biggest problem facing our nation. Race trading, self-deprecating cowards.

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Quote: Originally Posted by KChiefsQT
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b3...fsQT/boobs.jpg

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[Fire Me Boy!]

This is my best contribution, from Gay teen sent to "deprogramming" camp.

Originally Posted by Fire Me Boy!

Hello Kotter... hello gobo...
Here I am at... camp No Homo.
Camp is very... excruciating.
And they say we'll hate the butt and stop complaining.

I went diving... with RedNFeisty.
She sure wanted... to do the nasty.
I said, "No thanks... rule book says 'no fookin'.
and Skippy says the hand is better lookin'."

ENDelt and Rausch... hate the booze now.
David. has no, peircings and how
Phobia misses pink... he wants a fling.
But the rules say he can't blow unlurking.

Take me home... oh Wolfman, frazod... take me home. I hate No Homo.
Don't leave me here in this hellish camp where... I can't... even get a rim...
Take me home, I promise I will not do him, or mess my pants with my love juice.
Oh please don't make me stay... I'll say I'm not gay.

Dearest Taco... darling keg in...
Where's my little... @sshole plug-in?
Took them from me... gave me Rain Man.
He won't even take "it" in the can.

Wait a minute... there's Psicosis.
Maybe he will, put on his dresses.
And Laz and Vlad, they'll do Iowanian...
While gochiefs sits at home and chokes the chicken.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

I haven't contributed much outside of a few bucks to this board. But I was pretty pleased with my ode to Chiefsplanet.

Repost-Eat a Dick
Who cares if UP wants tits?
Mr. Fax has gone away
Claythan and Hootie are gay

First one in with antifreeze
We should've drafted Drew Brees
Tyler Thigpen yes he can!
Not another True Fan

Pile on-****in n00b
On the Mane his name is boob
Naked pics of Goldie Hawn
Get the **** off Skip Towne's lawn

TinyE's weight loss thread
Did you hear John Goodman's dead?
Endelt's banging Katipan
GoChiefs is still stuck with his hand

We didn’t approve your draftboard
We’ll pile on, we’re mean
We are the gang of sixteen
We didn’t approve your draftboard
Now you’ll throw a fit
But your and idiot

Rainman's polls-Daface the mod
Dane still thinks that he is God
Whitlock's fat-Let's keep Gun
Athan sucks-The deal is done

Hootie stares at all the dicks
This thread is worthless without pics
Repost, This, and many more
Kirstie Tynes is such a whore

Drafturbators-True Fans
Marlboro Chief no IP ban
midnight vulture-epic fail
Mr. Blonde is now in jail

Gaz is gone-The Madden Curse
Chiefsplanet has lost it's burst
Carl's out-Pioli hired
Don't like that? Die in a fire!

We didn’t approve your draftboard
We’ll pile on, we’re mean
We are the gang of sixteen
We didn’t approve your draftboard
Now you’ll throw a fit
But your and idiot

Name changes by the Mods
Fatties trying to change their bods
Rainbow Bridge-Where’s my dog?
Hog Farmer jacks off hogs

Chitown busted in the salon
Tony G. is good as gone
Denver Chief loves the dong
So much for this stupid song

We didn’t approve your draftboard
We’ll pile on, we’re mean
We are the gang of sixteen
We didn’t approve your draftboard
Now you’ll throw a fit
But your and idiot but your and idiot but your and idiot but your and idiot

[Dave Lane]

Originally Posted by Direckshun

I've gotten some rep that could qualify as best posts ever.

This is one I got from Duck Dog earlier today (I'll let you deteremine if it was positive or negative rep):

You white liberals are the biggest problem facing our nation. Race trading, self-deprecating cowards.

That is comedy gold damn!

[Mr. Plow]

Here's a good one....

Originally Posted by Bill Lundberg

We're dog sitting for my mother in law's Maltese. Auggie the Doggie is shown here violating my boxer, I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.

[Mr. Plow]

I'll even submit one by myself.....which is, in fact, a copied post of another person.

Originally Posted by Mr. Plow

So... I'm a girl.

I know I've posted lots of wacky shit here over the years. Sometimes out of boredom, sometimes because I'd really like to think I'm funny, and sometimes because I was just in the mood to do so. This isn't one of those wacky moments. This is me, taking a very small step towards doing something I've wanted to do and saying something I've wanted to say to someone, ANYONE, for the longest damn time.

Yep. I'm "coming out." I'm transgendered. "MtF," in popular parlance (figure it out). Gender dysphoric to the max! "Evil, demon-possessed, deluded homo." Whatever you want to call me. And no, not in the Eddie Izzard "executive transvestite" way. I mean the, "I've known and felt I was female, in some way, for as long as I can remember despite being born in a male body" way. The "lots of early suicides and lots of shattered lives due to not being accepted by friends and family" way. Now, why would a girl like me not want to shout about that from the mountaintops?

I have cringed every time I've been referred to as a "he," or a "him," or an "(insert masculine pronoun here)" over the entirety of my 19 years of "existence." Well, minus the first couple of years. I think it was an accomplishment to simply eat and crap my pants at that point (Does that look like I said I ate my pants when I was very young to you? It does to me.). Regardless, from my earliest memories, I can recall almost intuitively knowing, or somehow inferring from responses I got when engaging in "wrong" behavior, that I would be well-advised to drop it and act another way or face some sort of terrible consequences that I couldn't even imagine (and now, looking back, I don't know what punishment is worse than being locked inside a ****ing miserable, hollow shell of a life and sleepwalking through my days while fearing any social interaction and going into some hyper-alert state of panic during said interactions because I might do something to "give myself away," but the logic of a four year old carried over into real-life application for the following fifteen years isn't exactly amazing).

Funny thing is, I would always end up doing things to trip my plans up and make me ripe for identification. For instance, the 6th grade book fair. I was never well-liked by my classmates at the private school I had only just begun attending, and even though I'd been a good baseball player, my skills apparently didn't equate well to kickball. Every day, I thought I'd prove something to them. Every day, I sucked. I dunno, it was a weird time. Anyways, I had just enough change left over to buy a poster -- but not enough for a book -- at this book fair. I'm not sure what there was, but the only thing I could see myself spending my money on was a poster featuring a cute little polar bear cub. So I bought that one. What the hell compelled me to do this, when I knew full well I was already disliked and picked on? Like I said, I dunno. I made up some incredibly brilliant cover story about it being for my cousin, but it still didn't change the fact that I had to carry around that damn polar bear poster all day and be ridiculed by both boys and girls alike for it.

Okay, I'm rambling, and this is going nowhere. Long story short, I got another shot at another private school in the 10th grade. Quit by November, shortly before an awakening of sorts, due to mysterious reasons like, "it's too far from home" and the ever-incredible, "I just didn't like it." Why did I really quit? I was tormented every day, even though the people there were almost all pretty darn nice, even the ones I had gone to school with before (2nd-5th grades, my halcyon days if I ever had them) and hadn't been in the same circles with at the time. All around me were girls of all types, and I was completely out of place every single day. I didn't want to make out with them like my male classmates presumably did, I wanted to BE them. I wanted to be the somewhat geeky girl with the medium-length blonde hair and the thick glasses who loved Slipknot (okay, taste in music aside). I wanted to be the girl with braces and a very nice body and great, rusty blond-ish hair. I didn't want to be the girl with the pig-laugh as much as I wanted to be one of the aforementioned girls, but I'd have gladly accepted that, too.

For God's sake, how the hell could I have broken through that initial wall in the way of the seemingly unattainable goal of not being miserable? I mean, this is the first time I've ever even been able to TYPE it out, much less say it to someone, and I'm doing this in WordPad, and I'm not sure I'll even get up the nerve to C&P this over to the reply box. It is beyond ****ing torture to know who you are and are NOT and be told by society through years and years of conditioning that you MUST pretend to be the one you're not. It is immeasurably horrible to hide who you really are because you're scared you'll get into some sort of trouble or have things become even worse. But then, it's even worse to realize that YOU HAVE NOTHING EVEN WITH THE FACADE and still remain silent because you're so scared of what could happen to ruin an already ruined life.

I have finally decided to take that step because only now do I truly realize what I've lost and what I will continue to lose by lying to others. I've long since given up on lying to myself, but keeping secrets has never been my favorite thing, even if I'm prone to keep secrets in spite of myself; Come on, I kept the fact that my eyesight was terrible from my parents for six years. It's why I quit baseball in the first place (imagine almost hitting a home run but having it be snagged at the wall by an outfielder and being confused because you're trying to interpret signals from your coaches and teammates to tell you whether you need to round the bases or go back to the dugout). SIX YEARS. That's a pretty minor bit of information in the grand scheme of things, and here I am holding it in as if I were afraid of being labeled a freak like those poor transgendered people or som--oh, right. Damn. How the hell will I ever let that one out?

Why all the boring backstory? Not sure. It isn't all that illuminating, in retrospect. I actually just chopped out a large chunk of it that did nothing but take up even more space. My hands are shaking, my spelling's shit, I've locked the cats out of this room which contains their food and litter box, and I know I've probably left lots of thoughts hanging despite the length... sorry for the generaly incoherency (hey, cool band name).

Okay, one very ironic aside before continuing. My bed sheets are pink. I originally acquired them on a temporary basis while washing my old light blue ones, but they're much more comfortable and, like I said, I love the irony and the in-joke aspect of the blue comforter on the outside and the pink sheets on the inside.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll regret posting this at some point in the very near future (like... hmm... now). But I've made up my mind after literally thrashing about my bed for long periods of time over the past twenty-four to thirty-six hours, yelling at my ceiling, at God or God know's what, or yelling at nothing in particular about "blue balloons" and "pink ballons" and why they make them and why I and so many others were put in the wrong ****ing pile, and HOW ****ING CRUEL CAN YOU BE TO KNOWINGLY DO THAT TO SOMEONE?! I had seriously reached a breaking point, and I wasn't sure if those idle thoughts of suicide would remain so idle anymore. So, I came to the conclusion that today is the big day, and hopefully not just on this forum or the internet in general.

Friday the 13th. As always, my timing is beyond impeccable. And even though Dave Chappelle just took a break from dealing with his own shit right now and called me from South Africa to remind me that you can sometimes keep it too real, I somehow thought the best way to jump into that vast ocean called "OMGWTFBBQ" was to post this somewhat anonymously (but with my intraweb cred at stake -- for a shut-in like me, that's big!) on a very lively SPORTS-driven message board with thousands of members.

I'm sure I'll be treated differently, and probably not in a good way, but oh well. If I never get a rep comment in which I'm referred to as "man" again, it'll be at least a little bit worth it. And I'm sure some people will feel free to tell me I'm evil or sick (and I am sick, in other ways that I suspect are caused by hiding my identity for my entire life -- wanna know why I'm so forgiving with Ricky Williams? Because I am absolutely positive that I've got Social Anxiety Disorder, which has a damn appropriate acronym, and I've been afraid to get it addressed because I was scared of this getting out along with it.) and going to hell or whatever, or if not tell me at least think it. That's fine. I may not ever be able to be a "regular" poster on what I've considered to be a great outlet again, and that's fine, too, even if it'll hurt a little and I'm sure I'll be upset when I feel rejected over this, even if only 1% were doing that and the other 99% said, "I don't profess to know what it's like or even to know much about it, but you go, girl." Yes, the last part was a joke. The "you go, girl," part anyways.

Like I said at the beginning of this novel-length... thing, I AM A GIRL. A nineteen year old girl with a very weird upbringing that she hated nearly every moment of and issues galore, to be sure, but yes, I am a girl. And being able to type that right now, after so long being unable to muster the strength, makes me feel like that misery was worth it.

So, there went nothing. My official entry in the "worst post ever" contest. I'm going to let the cats back in here so they can eat and and I'll go take a shower now. I'll check back in on the mayhem later.

Hoooooooly shit.

[kepp]

New submission:

Originally Posted by KChiefsQT

[Buehler445]

Seconded

[DeezNutz]

Close it down.

Breasts befuddle even the best of scribes.

[Mr. Krab]

Originally Posted by GoChiefs

I would actually not mind seeing a 14-inch cock. I love a good freakshow.

.

[Hammock Parties]

lol

[bevischief]

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=209647

Claythan now looking to get into modeling? OMFG Awesome find.

[Hammock Parties]

Nah that one fizzled out. I refused to participate.

[Easy 6]

There are so many great posts, asking for 1 simply isnt fair.

Theres about 100 of'em in the skinbra thread alone, but from this thread its gotta be postrockpablo's ode to 'penz, why? -because he's right- 'penz can go straight off the wall at a moments notice.

[Easy 6]

And of course i'd be remiss not to mention the Inimitable Mr. FAX, he must have 1000 gut busters.

[Dayze]

I forgot about the Endelt 100 shot thread lol