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Old 10-18-2004, 06:46 AM  
wazu wazu is offline
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Cheney Vows to Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected

GREENSBORO, NC—In an announcement that has alarmed voters across the nation, Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday that he will personally attack the U.S. if Sen. John Kerry wins the next election.



Above: Cheney issues a warning to Greensboro, NC voters.
"If the wrong man is elected in November, the nation will come under a devastating armed attack of an unimaginable magnitude, one planned and executed by none other than myself," Cheney said, speaking at a rally in Greensboro, NC. "When they go to the polls, Americans must weigh this fact and decide if our nation can ignore such a grave threat."

Added Cheney: "It would be a tragedy to suffer another attack on American soil, let alone one perpetrated by an enemy as well-organized and well-equipped as I am. My colleagues and I urge voters to keep their safety in mind when they go to the polls."

Although Cheney would not comment on the details of his proposed attack on a John Kerry-led U.S., national-security experts said he possesses both the capabilities and the motivation to pose a serious threat.

"There is no question that Cheney has the financial assets and intelligence needed to pose a threat to our nation," said Peter Bergen, terrorism researcher and author of Threats And Balances: Former Executive Branch Officials And The Danger To America. "After all, this fanatic can call upon the resources of both the Republican Party and Halliburton to aid him in his assault. America would be foolish not to take his warning seriously."

After his speech, Cheney was asked to confirm his remarks.

"Make no mistake: If Kerry becomes president, no one will be safe from me," Cheney told reporters. "Businesses, places of worship, schools, public parks: No place will offer you refuge. A vote for Kerry is a vote to die in your own bed at the hands of Dick Cheney."

Stepping up to the podium after Cheney, Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge vowed to increase surveillance of the vice president.

"Wherever Cheney is—whether in his office in the White House or stumping in battleground states—we will be watching him," Ridge said. "I will not rule out raising the terror-alert level, should Kerry begin to draw ahead in the polls. Every percentage point conceded to Kerry brings the nation under greater threat of attack by Cheney."

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For those that don't make it out to The Onion that often...

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4041
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Old 10-18-2004, 07:05 AM   #2
Cochise Cochise is offline
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man, the onion usually has better stuff than that.
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Old 10-18-2004, 07:12 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cochise
man, the onion usually has better stuff than that.
Okay, Mr. Ambassador of Funny.
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wazu Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.wazu Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.wazu Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.wazu Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.wazu Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.wazu Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.wazu Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.wazu Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.wazu Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.wazu Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.wazu Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.
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Old 10-18-2004, 07:14 AM   #4
stumppy stumppy is offline
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That's some pretty limp stuff.
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Old 10-18-2004, 07:48 AM   #5
Loki Loki is offline
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chirp chirp chirp

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Loki is a favorite in the douche of the year contest.Loki is a favorite in the douche of the year contest.
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Old 10-18-2004, 07:54 AM   #6
ROYC75 ROYC75 is offline
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Weak.....
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ROYC75 Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ROYC75 Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ROYC75 Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ROYC75 Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ROYC75 Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ROYC75 Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ROYC75 Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ROYC75 Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ROYC75 Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ROYC75 Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.ROYC75 Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.
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Old 10-18-2004, 07:59 AM   #7
the Talking Can the Talking Can is offline
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too close to the truth to be funny
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the Talking Can is obviously part of the inner Circle.the Talking Can is obviously part of the inner Circle.the Talking Can is obviously part of the inner Circle.the Talking Can is obviously part of the inner Circle.the Talking Can is obviously part of the inner Circle.the Talking Can is obviously part of the inner Circle.the Talking Can is obviously part of the inner Circle.the Talking Can is obviously part of the inner Circle.the Talking Can is obviously part of the inner Circle.the Talking Can is obviously part of the inner Circle.the Talking Can is obviously part of the inner Circle.
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Old 10-18-2004, 08:03 AM   #8
Ari Chi3fs Ari Chi3fs is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by the Talking Can
too close to the truth to be funny
heh... funny thing is... this wouldnt surprise me. wait...maybe thats not funny.
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Ari Chi3fs has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Ari Chi3fs has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Ari Chi3fs has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Ari Chi3fs has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Ari Chi3fs has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Ari Chi3fs has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Ari Chi3fs has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Ari Chi3fs has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Ari Chi3fs has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Ari Chi3fs has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Ari Chi3fs has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.
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Old 10-18-2004, 09:03 AM   #9
KCWolfman KCWolfman is offline
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Ahh, a man of commitment.

Actually, it is hilarious, especially with that pic.

Those of you on the right need to check your funny bones.

Those of you on the left need to check reality.
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KCWolfman would the whole thing.KCWolfman would the whole thing.KCWolfman would the whole thing.KCWolfman would the whole thing.KCWolfman would the whole thing.KCWolfman would the whole thing.KCWolfman would the whole thing.KCWolfman would the whole thing.KCWolfman would the whole thing.KCWolfman would the whole thing.KCWolfman would the whole thing.
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